My life started to change and year ago today and I didn't know it.

A year ago today, my life was going to start to change and I was unaware of just how much. I've had some family issues that I/we have been dealing with for the last year. I won't go into that, but I so have to blog tonight.

I can remember with a clear head, that Wayne and my mom flew to Florida a year ago tomorrow, to purchase a car for Ryan. Yes, Wayne and I found a Mustang GT in Florida and said we (he and Ryan) would tinker with it and when Ryan turned driving age, it would be his car. This is one lucky boy, he was 8 months old and getting a real car. A car Mommy liked too and looked forward to driving on sunny days. Wayne knew I always wanted one, so he was really easy to convince. He liked it so much, he said we'd keep it for us and get Ryan another one:)

I can remember dates from last year as if they were happening right now. I know what and when we did things, where we went and who we were with. As I watch each day pass on the calendar, I am getting sad and scared. Scared that once May 10th comes, I will have no more memories of Wayne. I have spent the last 10 months, remembering what happened "A year ago today" and time is passing by so fast. Does that make sense? Tomorrow, I can say, "Last year, on this day....." and in 2 months, I will run out of memories.

I can't believe that Friday night will be 10 months since Wayne passed away. I can express enough, how much this seems like a horrible nightmare and I so desperatly want to wake up from it. I want Wayne to come home everyday, I want this hole in my heart to mend and the daily pain I feel inside to go away. I look around everyday and can tell you everything Wayne and I did to our house, what he did, what I helped do. I look and see things that need to be done and wonder how I'm going to do these things, I wonder where things are, where Wayne put them.

Death is so sad, in every circumstance, but a bit harder in my eyes when its sudden and there is no closure. There was never a good-bye!I often tell myself that Wayne was blessed and had an easy passing, if it "HAD" to be his time. He was at home in our bed and we were together. It really was fast, but seemed like eternity to everyone who was here and saw it happening in front of us and it was the most helpless feeling I think I will ever experience in my lifetime. Waiting for the EMT's to arrive seemed like forever and all of our lives were changing in front of our faces.

I am thankful that Wayne wasn't sick, in pain or hurt in an accident. I often think that he could have gone out mowing on Wednesday and say he was hooking up his trailer in the driveway and it happened and I was playing with Ryan and he collapsed in the driveway and was alone and I could have found him out there. There are so many scenerios that could have taken place. I am still not happy with God for taking him, but am thankful that he wasn't alone.I think I need to strart working on trying to heal myself. I am still dealing with survivors guilt all the time. Maybe this feeling will never fully go away, but it's so difficult to enjoy life without Wayne. I spent 15 years with him, so I don't remember doing things alone. I was younger than and didn't have the responsibilities I have now, nor have a baby. I think once the weather gets nice again and Ryan and I can go outside more, it might help. Fresh air is always good.

Ryan is now 21 months old and I can't believe he'll be 2 in June. I love his so much and tell him about daddy everyday. Tell me that wouldn't kill you. Look into your childs eyes and tell them Daddy loves you and is watching over us. I kiss Ryan everynight 2 times. The first kiss is ALWAYS from Wayne and I say, "That's from Daddy, he says he loves you and Good night Little Buddy" and then I kiss him again and say "That's from Mommy and Daddy, we love you sooo much". Just because Wayne isn't physically here, I will continue to do as we did everynight before bed and tell him so much about Wayne. I pray for the day that Ryan points and says Daddy, that he can see him. They say that children are more in key with seeing someone who has passed, because their minds aren't clouded by what can and can't be's.

I am proud of the person I am. I wouldn't wish anyone to walk in my shoes. I am bless with the knowledge of the love Wayne and I shared and know that he is proud of the choices I am making. It has been a difficult 10 months, but I am further along than I thought I would be. I would do anything to have "OUR" life back and trade in this lonely road anyday.

I am so thankful for my family and friends support. I would not have made it this far without them. I am especailly thankful to my Mom. She has always been my friend, but has really given so much of her time and has been here for us. She's always here to listen to me, even if I say the same things over and over, she tells me it will get better. I love her so much.

I am thankful to my Dad, as he wrote to me that his heart was breaking, having to watch his little girl deal with such a hugh tragedy and he couldn't fix it. This tragedy has made us closer.I love him so much.

I am thankful to my sister, as I spent every weekend for months on end at her house and we envaded her family and made messes and she smiled and kept inviting us back.I love her and her family.

I am thankful that my brother has gotten more involved in our lives, even though it was for sad circumstances. I love him.

I am thankful for K & P. If it weren't for you two, I don't think I/we would be as far along and doing as well as we are doing. I will never be able to thank you enough for your support, love and shoulders. I love them both so much.

I am thankful for Mimi, for her everday support. She is a constant and I can't thank her enough for her support in her time of pain too. I wish I could take her pain away. I love her.

I am thankful for Dink and Bubba, as they are two wonderful shy guys and help out whenever I call. I also wish I could heal their pain. I love them alot.

I am thankful to my mother-in-law. She will always listen to me and I know it has to be so painful for her, listening to my pain while dealing with her own pain of losing her baby boy. I love you M-M.

To my friends who call and visit and write and are just there to listen, I am forever thankful. I hate being alone and Michelle, you are just a phone call and an hour drive away. You have always been the bestest girlfriend ever

.Wow, feel like I just wrote in my yearbook. I always try to say Thank you and tell everyone how much their kindness means, but here it is in writing, for the whole world to see.

Okay, now I feel better than when I started. It's funny how emotions change from minute to minute.