Two years ago today, I was chasing Wayne around. He was booked on a flight to my Mom's and because of the holiday weekend, his flight was cancelled, he had to go to a diffrenent airport and make a connection. What should have been a 1 hr. flight, lasted him all day long, but he kept up with what was going on, so he could get to be with Ryan and I. We kept calling back and forth on our cell phones and I was going to one airport and had to turn around and go to another to pick him up. I remember being uneasy, going to an airport I've never been to before, but when I got to the arrival area and saw his big smile waiting for me, I was so happy to be with him again. I was the first time Ryan and I were away from him for a few days, so being a family again, was heart warming.
Ryan has become a water bug these last two days. He has no fear of the water and with his little swim outfit on, he's in the pool and swimming around oll on his own. I am so very proud of him, but in the pit of my stomach, I ache, ache that Wayne is not here to see him doing his "thing". Every accomplishment Ryan has made since Wayne's passing, gives me that icky feeling. I am angry that he can't be here to watch his little boy grow up. But I do know that he is watching down over us.
Man, how time flies. Two years ago, Ryan was 1 month old. I was waiting for Wayne to arrive and for him to see his Little Man and have a fun holiday weekend as a family. We did. Last year, I was away with Ryan and it was tough, missing Wayne and loning for him to be silly with me in the pool, Let me wrap my legs around him and he'd walk me around the pool, whispering sweet nothings into my ear, hugging and kissing me. (I'm a whimp with cold water, so if he carried me around, I wouldn't get my belly cold) I couldn't believe that my family wasn't together anymore. Today, the same. I watched with a smile on my face as Ryan showed me how brave he is and bit my lip with sadness. Still angry and ticked off, that here I am, forced to do this on my own. It's not what I signed up for. I signed on to have a family, my husband, our son.
We've talked alot about Wayne during the last few days and the great fun times we all had. Never letting his spirit be forgotten. I don't think that will ever happen, atleast not on my part!
So, wow, I feel better getting this off my chest. I haven't written since the one year anniversary of his passing. Every season is hard without Wayne here. At least it's Summer now and we can be out and about and have fun, best we can. Make due with what cards we've been dealt. I made a promise on his one year anniversary of his passing, that I would try to enjoy life a little bit more, for the kids sake. They all deserve it and it's up to me to make that happen. My pain and lonliness of losing Wayne will Never go away and never gets Easier, but I have to do the best that I can for the present and our future and always remember the past. The past makes us who we are today.
K
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Thursday, May 10, 2007
A year ago today....
My life was normal, happy and I had everything I wanted. It was a beautiful sunny day like today and I played with Ryan, as I am doing today. Wayne was already out working and we didn't get to chat in the morning.
I was on cloud 9. Life was perfect and we were the most happy family. We had everything we wanted and dreamed of, we were a family. Even if times were tough, we were still happy, because we got thru whatever came our way together. This was the last "normal" day of my old life. The last time my heart felt true happiness, the last day my heart was whole and I was complete. The last day we would be a family.
I can't believe this day is here already and a year has passed. I still remember everything as if it were yesterday. I still wish that this has been a horrible nightmare and I will wake up soon and find that Wayne is still with us and God didn't take him from his family. Wake up and have my heart smile from happiness again, wake up and not feel all alone, wake up and wait to see Wayne walk thru the door and smile at us and give us bigs hugs and kisses. But, that is never going to happen again.
They say "that time heals all wounds!" I do not believe that is true. I can't imagine how the massive wound of losing my husband will ever truly heal. When you love someone and they are taken away from you, are you supposed to forget about them? Forget the life you had with them? How could you possibly do that? I will forever long for the wonderful happy times we had together. I will forever remember the amazing fun and tough times we had together.
I will never forget the way Wayne smiled, the way he would raise his "cop" eyebrows at me and be like..."Now what?". The touch of his strong hand on the small of my back, the way he would whisk my hair away from my neck and softly kiss the back of my neck. Wayne was a very loving and passionate man, probably more of a romantic than me.(it's sad, but true)It will be one year tonight that I lost my best friend and let me tell you , it Ain't any easier. It is more bearable, but the loss I feel and the sadness of not spending every minute of everyday with him has not lessened. My constant support system, right or wrong, he backed me. He loved my quirks and I his.
We were two peas in a pod and once your pod is broken, you can never replace that. I am further along than I imagined and that is to the support and love of my family and friends. They pitch in and help out when they can. They listen to me tell atleast one story of Wayne everyday. I can not and will not stop talking about it, I will not let him be forgotten. I talk about him to Ryan everyday, he needs to know how awesome and good his daddy was. I want him to be able to feel who he is/was inside of him and know how much he is/was loved by his daddy.
And even though I am doing my best to carry on everyday and give Ryan a great life, it is still scary doing things on my own. Not having your "Rock" here to discuss choices with and what their outcome may be. I try to make choices for that I know Wayne would be proud of and choices that Ryan will look back upon and and be proud me for making.
I've been writing this all day long. Now it's night time and I am laying in bed watching t.v. At 10:12pm last year on this date, life was perfect. I was playing a game on the computer with my Mom and Wayne was doing some paper work. I remember him asking me how to answer a question and I gave him my thoughts and he smiled big back at me. I can close my eyes and see his smile and remember the warmth I felt inside.
Pretty soon, we'd be getting ready for bed. We were watching Law & Order. (I have not been able to watch it since) We didn't chat much in bed, just kind of watched the show. I feel very empty, especially tonight. Our perfect life came to a crashing end in about an hour and a half from now. I saw my best friend pass away before my eyes and couldn't do anything to save him.
Have you ever faced a situation like that? How can I not question all the time IF I did all that I could, IF I reacted fast enough. I somehow knew, I knew that when the rescue squad got here, he was gone and because they didn't rush him out of here to the hospital, I knew it wasn't good. I never screamed. My dad took me to the hospital and drove slow, I knew he knew it wasn't good either, but he told me to be positive. I was the last of the family to arrive and saw my family in a room in the emergency room, their faces all blank. I felt that tingle inside my body and knew for sure that I was all alone now. That I was left alone to raise Ryan.
The Dr. came in and told me he didn't make it. I was numb inside, not wanting to believe that my hero was gone. They asked if I wanted to see him and of course I did. He was already in a gown and looked like he was sleeping. My dad came with me and we sat there, as I stroked his hair and talked to him. Rubbed my hand up and down his strong arms that he always held me with, touched his chest that I always layed my head on. He looked so peaceful, he looked like nothing was wrong. I didn't want to leave, but I knew that he was gone and I had to get home to our little boy. Nothing I could do or say would bring him back. And that was it, I was a widow with an 11 month old son at 33 years old. Not exactly where I had thought I would be at this point in my life. I never EVER thought that Wayne would pass at such a young age. I would joke with hm that he better be nice to me, because I was going to take care of him in his older years and ........
I will continue to love Wayne for the rest of my life. He is/was the love of my life. I waited along time for the everything to be right for us to be together. It was worth the wait.
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance.
I LOVE YOU ROBERT WAYNE PEDRICK. EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE.
.....UNTIL WE DANCE AGAIN........
I was on cloud 9. Life was perfect and we were the most happy family. We had everything we wanted and dreamed of, we were a family. Even if times were tough, we were still happy, because we got thru whatever came our way together. This was the last "normal" day of my old life. The last time my heart felt true happiness, the last day my heart was whole and I was complete. The last day we would be a family.
I can't believe this day is here already and a year has passed. I still remember everything as if it were yesterday. I still wish that this has been a horrible nightmare and I will wake up soon and find that Wayne is still with us and God didn't take him from his family. Wake up and have my heart smile from happiness again, wake up and not feel all alone, wake up and wait to see Wayne walk thru the door and smile at us and give us bigs hugs and kisses. But, that is never going to happen again.
They say "that time heals all wounds!" I do not believe that is true. I can't imagine how the massive wound of losing my husband will ever truly heal. When you love someone and they are taken away from you, are you supposed to forget about them? Forget the life you had with them? How could you possibly do that? I will forever long for the wonderful happy times we had together. I will forever remember the amazing fun and tough times we had together.
I will never forget the way Wayne smiled, the way he would raise his "cop" eyebrows at me and be like..."Now what?". The touch of his strong hand on the small of my back, the way he would whisk my hair away from my neck and softly kiss the back of my neck. Wayne was a very loving and passionate man, probably more of a romantic than me.(it's sad, but true)It will be one year tonight that I lost my best friend and let me tell you , it Ain't any easier. It is more bearable, but the loss I feel and the sadness of not spending every minute of everyday with him has not lessened. My constant support system, right or wrong, he backed me. He loved my quirks and I his.
We were two peas in a pod and once your pod is broken, you can never replace that. I am further along than I imagined and that is to the support and love of my family and friends. They pitch in and help out when they can. They listen to me tell atleast one story of Wayne everyday. I can not and will not stop talking about it, I will not let him be forgotten. I talk about him to Ryan everyday, he needs to know how awesome and good his daddy was. I want him to be able to feel who he is/was inside of him and know how much he is/was loved by his daddy.
And even though I am doing my best to carry on everyday and give Ryan a great life, it is still scary doing things on my own. Not having your "Rock" here to discuss choices with and what their outcome may be. I try to make choices for that I know Wayne would be proud of and choices that Ryan will look back upon and and be proud me for making.
I've been writing this all day long. Now it's night time and I am laying in bed watching t.v. At 10:12pm last year on this date, life was perfect. I was playing a game on the computer with my Mom and Wayne was doing some paper work. I remember him asking me how to answer a question and I gave him my thoughts and he smiled big back at me. I can close my eyes and see his smile and remember the warmth I felt inside.
Pretty soon, we'd be getting ready for bed. We were watching Law & Order. (I have not been able to watch it since) We didn't chat much in bed, just kind of watched the show. I feel very empty, especially tonight. Our perfect life came to a crashing end in about an hour and a half from now. I saw my best friend pass away before my eyes and couldn't do anything to save him.
Have you ever faced a situation like that? How can I not question all the time IF I did all that I could, IF I reacted fast enough. I somehow knew, I knew that when the rescue squad got here, he was gone and because they didn't rush him out of here to the hospital, I knew it wasn't good. I never screamed. My dad took me to the hospital and drove slow, I knew he knew it wasn't good either, but he told me to be positive. I was the last of the family to arrive and saw my family in a room in the emergency room, their faces all blank. I felt that tingle inside my body and knew for sure that I was all alone now. That I was left alone to raise Ryan.
The Dr. came in and told me he didn't make it. I was numb inside, not wanting to believe that my hero was gone. They asked if I wanted to see him and of course I did. He was already in a gown and looked like he was sleeping. My dad came with me and we sat there, as I stroked his hair and talked to him. Rubbed my hand up and down his strong arms that he always held me with, touched his chest that I always layed my head on. He looked so peaceful, he looked like nothing was wrong. I didn't want to leave, but I knew that he was gone and I had to get home to our little boy. Nothing I could do or say would bring him back. And that was it, I was a widow with an 11 month old son at 33 years old. Not exactly where I had thought I would be at this point in my life. I never EVER thought that Wayne would pass at such a young age. I would joke with hm that he better be nice to me, because I was going to take care of him in his older years and ........
I will continue to love Wayne for the rest of my life. He is/was the love of my life. I waited along time for the everything to be right for us to be together. It was worth the wait.
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance.
I LOVE YOU ROBERT WAYNE PEDRICK. EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE.
.....UNTIL WE DANCE AGAIN........
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
My life started to change and year ago today and I didn't know it.
A year ago today, my life was going to start to change and I was unaware of just how much. I've had some family issues that I/we have been dealing with for the last year. I won't go into that, but I so have to blog tonight.
I can remember with a clear head, that Wayne and my mom flew to Florida a year ago tomorrow, to purchase a car for Ryan. Yes, Wayne and I found a Mustang GT in Florida and said we (he and Ryan) would tinker with it and when Ryan turned driving age, it would be his car. This is one lucky boy, he was 8 months old and getting a real car. A car Mommy liked too and looked forward to driving on sunny days. Wayne knew I always wanted one, so he was really easy to convince. He liked it so much, he said we'd keep it for us and get Ryan another one:)
I can remember dates from last year as if they were happening right now. I know what and when we did things, where we went and who we were with. As I watch each day pass on the calendar, I am getting sad and scared. Scared that once May 10th comes, I will have no more memories of Wayne. I have spent the last 10 months, remembering what happened "A year ago today" and time is passing by so fast. Does that make sense? Tomorrow, I can say, "Last year, on this day....." and in 2 months, I will run out of memories.
I can't believe that Friday night will be 10 months since Wayne passed away. I can express enough, how much this seems like a horrible nightmare and I so desperatly want to wake up from it. I want Wayne to come home everyday, I want this hole in my heart to mend and the daily pain I feel inside to go away. I look around everyday and can tell you everything Wayne and I did to our house, what he did, what I helped do. I look and see things that need to be done and wonder how I'm going to do these things, I wonder where things are, where Wayne put them.
Death is so sad, in every circumstance, but a bit harder in my eyes when its sudden and there is no closure. There was never a good-bye!I often tell myself that Wayne was blessed and had an easy passing, if it "HAD" to be his time. He was at home in our bed and we were together. It really was fast, but seemed like eternity to everyone who was here and saw it happening in front of us and it was the most helpless feeling I think I will ever experience in my lifetime. Waiting for the EMT's to arrive seemed like forever and all of our lives were changing in front of our faces.
I am thankful that Wayne wasn't sick, in pain or hurt in an accident. I often think that he could have gone out mowing on Wednesday and say he was hooking up his trailer in the driveway and it happened and I was playing with Ryan and he collapsed in the driveway and was alone and I could have found him out there. There are so many scenerios that could have taken place. I am still not happy with God for taking him, but am thankful that he wasn't alone.I think I need to strart working on trying to heal myself. I am still dealing with survivors guilt all the time. Maybe this feeling will never fully go away, but it's so difficult to enjoy life without Wayne. I spent 15 years with him, so I don't remember doing things alone. I was younger than and didn't have the responsibilities I have now, nor have a baby. I think once the weather gets nice again and Ryan and I can go outside more, it might help. Fresh air is always good.
Ryan is now 21 months old and I can't believe he'll be 2 in June. I love his so much and tell him about daddy everyday. Tell me that wouldn't kill you. Look into your childs eyes and tell them Daddy loves you and is watching over us. I kiss Ryan everynight 2 times. The first kiss is ALWAYS from Wayne and I say, "That's from Daddy, he says he loves you and Good night Little Buddy" and then I kiss him again and say "That's from Mommy and Daddy, we love you sooo much". Just because Wayne isn't physically here, I will continue to do as we did everynight before bed and tell him so much about Wayne. I pray for the day that Ryan points and says Daddy, that he can see him. They say that children are more in key with seeing someone who has passed, because their minds aren't clouded by what can and can't be's.
I am proud of the person I am. I wouldn't wish anyone to walk in my shoes. I am bless with the knowledge of the love Wayne and I shared and know that he is proud of the choices I am making. It has been a difficult 10 months, but I am further along than I thought I would be. I would do anything to have "OUR" life back and trade in this lonely road anyday.
I am so thankful for my family and friends support. I would not have made it this far without them. I am especailly thankful to my Mom. She has always been my friend, but has really given so much of her time and has been here for us. She's always here to listen to me, even if I say the same things over and over, she tells me it will get better. I love her so much.
I am thankful to my Dad, as he wrote to me that his heart was breaking, having to watch his little girl deal with such a hugh tragedy and he couldn't fix it. This tragedy has made us closer.I love him so much.
I am thankful to my sister, as I spent every weekend for months on end at her house and we envaded her family and made messes and she smiled and kept inviting us back.I love her and her family.
I am thankful that my brother has gotten more involved in our lives, even though it was for sad circumstances. I love him.
I am thankful for K & P. If it weren't for you two, I don't think I/we would be as far along and doing as well as we are doing. I will never be able to thank you enough for your support, love and shoulders. I love them both so much.
I am thankful for Mimi, for her everday support. She is a constant and I can't thank her enough for her support in her time of pain too. I wish I could take her pain away. I love her.
I am thankful for Dink and Bubba, as they are two wonderful shy guys and help out whenever I call. I also wish I could heal their pain. I love them alot.
I am thankful to my mother-in-law. She will always listen to me and I know it has to be so painful for her, listening to my pain while dealing with her own pain of losing her baby boy. I love you M-M.
To my friends who call and visit and write and are just there to listen, I am forever thankful. I hate being alone and Michelle, you are just a phone call and an hour drive away. You have always been the bestest girlfriend ever
.Wow, feel like I just wrote in my yearbook. I always try to say Thank you and tell everyone how much their kindness means, but here it is in writing, for the whole world to see.
Okay, now I feel better than when I started. It's funny how emotions change from minute to minute.
I can remember with a clear head, that Wayne and my mom flew to Florida a year ago tomorrow, to purchase a car for Ryan. Yes, Wayne and I found a Mustang GT in Florida and said we (he and Ryan) would tinker with it and when Ryan turned driving age, it would be his car. This is one lucky boy, he was 8 months old and getting a real car. A car Mommy liked too and looked forward to driving on sunny days. Wayne knew I always wanted one, so he was really easy to convince. He liked it so much, he said we'd keep it for us and get Ryan another one:)
I can remember dates from last year as if they were happening right now. I know what and when we did things, where we went and who we were with. As I watch each day pass on the calendar, I am getting sad and scared. Scared that once May 10th comes, I will have no more memories of Wayne. I have spent the last 10 months, remembering what happened "A year ago today" and time is passing by so fast. Does that make sense? Tomorrow, I can say, "Last year, on this day....." and in 2 months, I will run out of memories.
I can't believe that Friday night will be 10 months since Wayne passed away. I can express enough, how much this seems like a horrible nightmare and I so desperatly want to wake up from it. I want Wayne to come home everyday, I want this hole in my heart to mend and the daily pain I feel inside to go away. I look around everyday and can tell you everything Wayne and I did to our house, what he did, what I helped do. I look and see things that need to be done and wonder how I'm going to do these things, I wonder where things are, where Wayne put them.
Death is so sad, in every circumstance, but a bit harder in my eyes when its sudden and there is no closure. There was never a good-bye!I often tell myself that Wayne was blessed and had an easy passing, if it "HAD" to be his time. He was at home in our bed and we were together. It really was fast, but seemed like eternity to everyone who was here and saw it happening in front of us and it was the most helpless feeling I think I will ever experience in my lifetime. Waiting for the EMT's to arrive seemed like forever and all of our lives were changing in front of our faces.
I am thankful that Wayne wasn't sick, in pain or hurt in an accident. I often think that he could have gone out mowing on Wednesday and say he was hooking up his trailer in the driveway and it happened and I was playing with Ryan and he collapsed in the driveway and was alone and I could have found him out there. There are so many scenerios that could have taken place. I am still not happy with God for taking him, but am thankful that he wasn't alone.I think I need to strart working on trying to heal myself. I am still dealing with survivors guilt all the time. Maybe this feeling will never fully go away, but it's so difficult to enjoy life without Wayne. I spent 15 years with him, so I don't remember doing things alone. I was younger than and didn't have the responsibilities I have now, nor have a baby. I think once the weather gets nice again and Ryan and I can go outside more, it might help. Fresh air is always good.
Ryan is now 21 months old and I can't believe he'll be 2 in June. I love his so much and tell him about daddy everyday. Tell me that wouldn't kill you. Look into your childs eyes and tell them Daddy loves you and is watching over us. I kiss Ryan everynight 2 times. The first kiss is ALWAYS from Wayne and I say, "That's from Daddy, he says he loves you and Good night Little Buddy" and then I kiss him again and say "That's from Mommy and Daddy, we love you sooo much". Just because Wayne isn't physically here, I will continue to do as we did everynight before bed and tell him so much about Wayne. I pray for the day that Ryan points and says Daddy, that he can see him. They say that children are more in key with seeing someone who has passed, because their minds aren't clouded by what can and can't be's.
I am proud of the person I am. I wouldn't wish anyone to walk in my shoes. I am bless with the knowledge of the love Wayne and I shared and know that he is proud of the choices I am making. It has been a difficult 10 months, but I am further along than I thought I would be. I would do anything to have "OUR" life back and trade in this lonely road anyday.
I am so thankful for my family and friends support. I would not have made it this far without them. I am especailly thankful to my Mom. She has always been my friend, but has really given so much of her time and has been here for us. She's always here to listen to me, even if I say the same things over and over, she tells me it will get better. I love her so much.
I am thankful to my Dad, as he wrote to me that his heart was breaking, having to watch his little girl deal with such a hugh tragedy and he couldn't fix it. This tragedy has made us closer.I love him so much.
I am thankful to my sister, as I spent every weekend for months on end at her house and we envaded her family and made messes and she smiled and kept inviting us back.I love her and her family.
I am thankful that my brother has gotten more involved in our lives, even though it was for sad circumstances. I love him.
I am thankful for K & P. If it weren't for you two, I don't think I/we would be as far along and doing as well as we are doing. I will never be able to thank you enough for your support, love and shoulders. I love them both so much.
I am thankful for Mimi, for her everday support. She is a constant and I can't thank her enough for her support in her time of pain too. I wish I could take her pain away. I love her.
I am thankful for Dink and Bubba, as they are two wonderful shy guys and help out whenever I call. I also wish I could heal their pain. I love them alot.
I am thankful to my mother-in-law. She will always listen to me and I know it has to be so painful for her, listening to my pain while dealing with her own pain of losing her baby boy. I love you M-M.
To my friends who call and visit and write and are just there to listen, I am forever thankful. I hate being alone and Michelle, you are just a phone call and an hour drive away. You have always been the bestest girlfriend ever
.Wow, feel like I just wrote in my yearbook. I always try to say Thank you and tell everyone how much their kindness means, but here it is in writing, for the whole world to see.
Okay, now I feel better than when I started. It's funny how emotions change from minute to minute.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Emotions are like the ocean.
One day I'm doing fine and then at the sight of Wayne's coat hanging by the garage door, I choked up. I stare loving at his casual dress jacket and think to myself, "This isn't real." Come home Honey, come back now, I miss you so much.
I find myself taking baby steps and then I see something like that and it really kicks me in the butt and reality once again hits and tells me that he's not coming back, I'm alone! Like I've always written, I know he's gone, but my heart doesn't tell me that. I wonder if I'll really ever accpet his passing. Maybe it's natures way of not letting me have a complete melt down. I miss Wayne so very much. Not a morning, afternoon or evening goes by that I don't think of him and things we've done together. Last night, we started chatting about some of our funny stories, things that we did or happened to us and we were all rolling and laughing so hard, our sides hurt. It made me smile and I was happy to remember things I hadn't thought about in awhile.
You know when you work so hard for something and you know what the goal is in the end? That's how I'm living life now, waiting for Wayne to come back and be proud of what I have accomplished. I often think this is a bad reality show and after a month, I thought he'd come home, at Christmas, I thought he'd come home and I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I think, maybe he'll come home on the 1 year anniversary, which is in May. It's so unreal to me that my strong husband didn't make it, that God didn't give him a chance. The chance you hear so many others get. While I would be ELATED and happier than any moment in my life, for him to come back to us, I have thought "Wow" my prayers have been answered then there is a part of me that says, "Oh God, that means I'll have to go thru this all over again one day". Don't take my writing wrong, I would take my best friend back for 1 day if I could. I sometimes go to bed at night and pray, please let me wake up and it it's any day in January 2006 and this didn't happen or I have the knowledge of what could happen and get him to the Doctors for a complete check-up and try to prevent the future from coming true.
Life is so lonely without Wayne. I am living, but it will never be the same!I miss my best friend with all of my heart. No amount of time can ever take that away. People think since it's been 9 months, I should start feeling better. I was never sick! I didn't lose a watch, break a glass, or make a bad choice I regret, I lost my best friend in the whole world. I lost my world!!!!!! I wake up everyday and know he's not here to smile at me, laugh at me, poke fun of me or hear him say I Love You and know he means it from the bottom of his heart. I would so much more have rathered he fell out of love with me and we seperated, at least he'd still be here. Still be here for me to call and ask questions, lean on, trust and be here be with Ryan. I am not the type of person that has feelings and wish pain or terrible things upon any person. I never wanted Wayne to have an ounce of pain for any reason, emotional or any other kind. I am so sad that he lost his life when he was so happy and had so many hopes and dreams to fullfill. I have to wonder what God was thinking when he decides to take someone.
Well, thanks for reading. I just had to vent some of my emotions today. Like my heading says, Emotions are like the ocean. One minute the tide is out and your getting by, but without knowing it, a big wave can knock you off your feet and make you think. Well, today I'm thinking.
Kim
I find myself taking baby steps and then I see something like that and it really kicks me in the butt and reality once again hits and tells me that he's not coming back, I'm alone! Like I've always written, I know he's gone, but my heart doesn't tell me that. I wonder if I'll really ever accpet his passing. Maybe it's natures way of not letting me have a complete melt down. I miss Wayne so very much. Not a morning, afternoon or evening goes by that I don't think of him and things we've done together. Last night, we started chatting about some of our funny stories, things that we did or happened to us and we were all rolling and laughing so hard, our sides hurt. It made me smile and I was happy to remember things I hadn't thought about in awhile.
You know when you work so hard for something and you know what the goal is in the end? That's how I'm living life now, waiting for Wayne to come back and be proud of what I have accomplished. I often think this is a bad reality show and after a month, I thought he'd come home, at Christmas, I thought he'd come home and I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I think, maybe he'll come home on the 1 year anniversary, which is in May. It's so unreal to me that my strong husband didn't make it, that God didn't give him a chance. The chance you hear so many others get. While I would be ELATED and happier than any moment in my life, for him to come back to us, I have thought "Wow" my prayers have been answered then there is a part of me that says, "Oh God, that means I'll have to go thru this all over again one day". Don't take my writing wrong, I would take my best friend back for 1 day if I could. I sometimes go to bed at night and pray, please let me wake up and it it's any day in January 2006 and this didn't happen or I have the knowledge of what could happen and get him to the Doctors for a complete check-up and try to prevent the future from coming true.
Life is so lonely without Wayne. I am living, but it will never be the same!I miss my best friend with all of my heart. No amount of time can ever take that away. People think since it's been 9 months, I should start feeling better. I was never sick! I didn't lose a watch, break a glass, or make a bad choice I regret, I lost my best friend in the whole world. I lost my world!!!!!! I wake up everyday and know he's not here to smile at me, laugh at me, poke fun of me or hear him say I Love You and know he means it from the bottom of his heart. I would so much more have rathered he fell out of love with me and we seperated, at least he'd still be here. Still be here for me to call and ask questions, lean on, trust and be here be with Ryan. I am not the type of person that has feelings and wish pain or terrible things upon any person. I never wanted Wayne to have an ounce of pain for any reason, emotional or any other kind. I am so sad that he lost his life when he was so happy and had so many hopes and dreams to fullfill. I have to wonder what God was thinking when he decides to take someone.
Well, thanks for reading. I just had to vent some of my emotions today. Like my heading says, Emotions are like the ocean. One minute the tide is out and your getting by, but without knowing it, a big wave can knock you off your feet and make you think. Well, today I'm thinking.
Kim
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Almost 9 months.
So, the 9th will be 9 months since Wayne left. I can't believe that much time has elapsed. In one respect, it seems I have been without him a lifetime, in another, I can remember that night so vividly, like it just happened. It still makes no sense to me, why he had to go now. I still think he is coming home and I'm just doing what I am supposed to do until he gets back. Keeping the hosue clean, organizing the 1,000 toys Ryan has and pull out 20 times a day and cleaning up and getting rid of clutter. It still doesn't seem real to me. The last year of my life is not what I expected it to be. The great joy we had with our son and as a family, yes, but so much other stuff has happened and I'm in a whole different world. Life really does change in an instant, but LOVE never dies.
I had a glimmer of hope in trying to communicate with Wayne on Friday. I had gone on to Oprah's website last week and for giggles, filled out a form about wanting to communicate with a deceased loved one. Well, on Friday night, my cell rang with a number I didn't know. It was a producer from the show and we chatted awhile and he wanted me to send pictures of us and tell him about the amazing signs I have had from Wayne. The show is going to have on mediums. I was so hoping I would make it, but I didn't. The producer called me the other night at like 10pm and I was very surprised by his personal touch and kindness. He didn't have to call me or even e-mail me back, but he said he wanted to call personally before he went home. We chatted a bit and had a few laughs. I was very impressed by this, as I'm sure most of the "show biz" people don't work that way and I'm sure he talks to 10,000 hopefulls a day. The time must not have been right.
Well, that's about all I have in me for tonight. Kind of tired and the cold is horrible. Can't wait for it to atleast hit 20 degrees. Then I can bust out the suntan lotion and bikini.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
A strange, but nice feeling.
Today was a good and bad day. I took Ryan to my sisters house so he could play with his cousins and I could get some things done around here. As usual, on my way home, alone, I start to get sad and think about Wayne. I hate not having him here to talk to, to laugh with and just have my best friend by my side. I discovered something about myself and the feelings I am having. I'm not sure if it's a real thing, but I have to call it "Survivor Guilt". I believe I have survivors guilt, as I am so upset that Wayne is gone. Angry that he was taken at such a young age and in the prime of his life. He was so happy and in love. It is true, that he busted his hump all the time and could never sit still, be he was living his life the way he wanted to.
I am not allowing myself to move forward, because I am heartbroken that he is gone and his life here, is over. How can I be happy when he is not here? How can I be happy, knowing that I will never wake up with him again, I will never fall asleep in his arms again and he won't be here for the most important, everyday stuff. So, now that I have made this discovery, I have to figure out how to act upon it and what I am supposed to do with this knowledge. When I figure out my next steps, I will let you know.
As for the heading of my blog tonight; I took Ryan to bed and he was very calm, there was a strangeness about him. He layed on his side of the bed and I proped up a smaller pillow on top of the regular pillow, so he could drink his ba and fall asleep. He first put his one arm behind his head and layed there watching t.v. He looked like Wayne laying there, watching t.v. Then, he kind of rolled over and started to wipe my eyes, as if I were crying. He was so gentle and wiped one eye, then the other and continued to do so for about a minute or two. Then, he layed his arm out and wanted me to put my head on his arm and little chest and snuggle, he grabed my other arm and litteraly, had my put it across his chest and belly. Almost exactly how I would cuddle up with Wayne. Ryan was so calm and it was such a strange feeling. Almost as if Wayne was guiding him to do this. At one point, I looked at him and he just layed there, staring at me. This lasted for about five minutes.(the staring) I'm not sure what happened, but inside, it made me feel like Wayne was around, that he heard me talking to him today and the sweet gentle touches from Ryan were via him.
Well, that's all I have for you tonight. Actually, pretty tired. We seem to keep busy so much during the week, that I am ready for bed by 6pm each night.
I am not allowing myself to move forward, because I am heartbroken that he is gone and his life here, is over. How can I be happy when he is not here? How can I be happy, knowing that I will never wake up with him again, I will never fall asleep in his arms again and he won't be here for the most important, everyday stuff. So, now that I have made this discovery, I have to figure out how to act upon it and what I am supposed to do with this knowledge. When I figure out my next steps, I will let you know.
As for the heading of my blog tonight; I took Ryan to bed and he was very calm, there was a strangeness about him. He layed on his side of the bed and I proped up a smaller pillow on top of the regular pillow, so he could drink his ba and fall asleep. He first put his one arm behind his head and layed there watching t.v. He looked like Wayne laying there, watching t.v. Then, he kind of rolled over and started to wipe my eyes, as if I were crying. He was so gentle and wiped one eye, then the other and continued to do so for about a minute or two. Then, he layed his arm out and wanted me to put my head on his arm and little chest and snuggle, he grabed my other arm and litteraly, had my put it across his chest and belly. Almost exactly how I would cuddle up with Wayne. Ryan was so calm and it was such a strange feeling. Almost as if Wayne was guiding him to do this. At one point, I looked at him and he just layed there, staring at me. This lasted for about five minutes.(the staring) I'm not sure what happened, but inside, it made me feel like Wayne was around, that he heard me talking to him today and the sweet gentle touches from Ryan were via him.
Well, that's all I have for you tonight. Actually, pretty tired. We seem to keep busy so much during the week, that I am ready for bed by 6pm each night.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Another sign from above...
Laugh, call me crazy, but I have to believe Wayne had a hand in it.
I have been debating for months now, if I should buy a new laptop. Wayne and I had discussed it prior to his passing and he said I could get this one computer I have been drooling over. I never ordered it.
I asked Wayne this morning, if it was okay with him if I went and got a new laptop. It wasn't the one I really wanted, but it would do the trick. I was a less expensive computer. I asked him, "If it is okay with you that I go buy a laptop today, have my mom call me by 10:30am". It was like 10:10am and 10:30am came and went with no phone call.
I had some errands to do and on my way home, I thought, I'm going to just run up to Best Buy and "look" at what they have available. When we went into the store and rounded the corner to the computer department, there was not one laptop in the whole store. Not one on display, not one in the back, not one to be sold in the whole store.
I could not believe my eyes or my luck. I have to believe that this was Wayne's way of telling me "Told you No, don't ya' listen?" Either he really didn't want me to get a laptop today or doesn't want me to get something less than what I really wanted. Still waiting for a sign from in with the "reason".
But honestly, what are the odds of walking into a store known for selling computers and there was not one available? Seriously and honestly... There wasn't even a stinkin' picture of a laptop to be found. I took that as my sign and went home.
I have been debating for months now, if I should buy a new laptop. Wayne and I had discussed it prior to his passing and he said I could get this one computer I have been drooling over. I never ordered it.
I asked Wayne this morning, if it was okay with him if I went and got a new laptop. It wasn't the one I really wanted, but it would do the trick. I was a less expensive computer. I asked him, "If it is okay with you that I go buy a laptop today, have my mom call me by 10:30am". It was like 10:10am and 10:30am came and went with no phone call.
I had some errands to do and on my way home, I thought, I'm going to just run up to Best Buy and "look" at what they have available. When we went into the store and rounded the corner to the computer department, there was not one laptop in the whole store. Not one on display, not one in the back, not one to be sold in the whole store.
I could not believe my eyes or my luck. I have to believe that this was Wayne's way of telling me "Told you No, don't ya' listen?" Either he really didn't want me to get a laptop today or doesn't want me to get something less than what I really wanted. Still waiting for a sign from in with the "reason".
But honestly, what are the odds of walking into a store known for selling computers and there was not one available? Seriously and honestly... There wasn't even a stinkin' picture of a laptop to be found. I took that as my sign and went home.
On Oprah
Well, I'm watchng Oprah and kind of disagree with her today, or the people who are on the show. She is saying that you can't expect your partner, to complete you. I disagree.
Maybe Wayne and I were just lucky. He truly did complete me, the parts that were not whole, became whole, with him in my life. I have to believe the same with me to him.
Our marriage was very special. When I look around at others I know or watch shows, I am surprised. Wayne and I were best friends. From the moment we met until the day he died, we enjoyed each other so much.
In 15 years, we were still teaching each other things and learning about and with each other. Not one day went by, that I would rather do something else, than be with Wayne. We stayed up late, having fun, talking, remembering our beginning, enjoying our present and we made each other whole.
I know we both were not Saints, but we had a wonderful, special and unique relationship. Despite our age difference, we were two peas in a pod. We were addicted to each other. We had so much fun together, even if we were doing nothing.We both had our flaws and worked on them together or accepted each other for who we were.
Wayne was my strength. He was my sunshine, my moon light and everything in between.
If he was changing the blades on his mower, I would sit outside and chat with him. If he was cutting the grass, I would sit on the porch and watch and give an occasional "flash" as he came near. If he was stacking firewood on the porch, I would help. If he was cleaning the garage, I'd have him put the ready heater on and warm it up and go out and keep him company. And as for as many things that I can think of, being with him while he had things to do, he loved me in the same way back.
We had to most special relationship possible. I know I will never have that again. A great love only happens once in a lifetime. I am thankful for the fond and amazing memories I have in my heart and mind. Wayne touched my soul and became part of who I was. Thank you.
He loved and accepted my being anal, my "10 more mintues" in the morning, my "Honey, can you do this", my "I have an idea" and any other crazy thing that came out of my mouth. He could care less if I put makeup on each day, fixed my hair or made sure the laundry was done. There was always tomorrow..... So we thought!
I know it is because of the strong love we shared and the strength Wayne gave me, that keeps me going each day. Keep going for our son. He would be so mad at me if I just gave up and wasn't the best parent I could be to Ryan.
The void in my heart will never mend, but I have to hope that I will find the right mix of not having to let go of the past, but be able to embrace the future. That I will find the "who I am now" and be happy with that and be able to give Ryan and I, the best life possible.
Maybe Wayne and I were just lucky. He truly did complete me, the parts that were not whole, became whole, with him in my life. I have to believe the same with me to him.
Our marriage was very special. When I look around at others I know or watch shows, I am surprised. Wayne and I were best friends. From the moment we met until the day he died, we enjoyed each other so much.
In 15 years, we were still teaching each other things and learning about and with each other. Not one day went by, that I would rather do something else, than be with Wayne. We stayed up late, having fun, talking, remembering our beginning, enjoying our present and we made each other whole.
I know we both were not Saints, but we had a wonderful, special and unique relationship. Despite our age difference, we were two peas in a pod. We were addicted to each other. We had so much fun together, even if we were doing nothing.We both had our flaws and worked on them together or accepted each other for who we were.
Wayne was my strength. He was my sunshine, my moon light and everything in between.
If he was changing the blades on his mower, I would sit outside and chat with him. If he was cutting the grass, I would sit on the porch and watch and give an occasional "flash" as he came near. If he was stacking firewood on the porch, I would help. If he was cleaning the garage, I'd have him put the ready heater on and warm it up and go out and keep him company. And as for as many things that I can think of, being with him while he had things to do, he loved me in the same way back.
We had to most special relationship possible. I know I will never have that again. A great love only happens once in a lifetime. I am thankful for the fond and amazing memories I have in my heart and mind. Wayne touched my soul and became part of who I was. Thank you.
He loved and accepted my being anal, my "10 more mintues" in the morning, my "Honey, can you do this", my "I have an idea" and any other crazy thing that came out of my mouth. He could care less if I put makeup on each day, fixed my hair or made sure the laundry was done. There was always tomorrow..... So we thought!
I know it is because of the strong love we shared and the strength Wayne gave me, that keeps me going each day. Keep going for our son. He would be so mad at me if I just gave up and wasn't the best parent I could be to Ryan.
The void in my heart will never mend, but I have to hope that I will find the right mix of not having to let go of the past, but be able to embrace the future. That I will find the "who I am now" and be happy with that and be able to give Ryan and I, the best life possible.
Grief turning to anger
I find that the grief I have, is turning into anger. Don't get me wrong, I still miss Wayne with all of my heart, but I am down right ticked off with what has happened. I am angry that God took a man, who was happy, away from his family. An honest, hardworking man, who always did the right thing. I am angry because the plans we had will never happen now.
I am not happy with my "new" life. It is boring and I am just living day to day. The "old" me is gone forever and I just want our old life back. I want to wake up and be happy, not have this big chunk of my heart missing. I want to wake up and not worry about what new challanges I will have to face alone. Wayne was my rock, he was always there for me. I could always depend on him. Sometimes he looked out for me better than I did for myself.
It has been a long, hard last 8 months. I wish everyday, that this was just a bad nightmare or some type of reality show. I still can't comprehend everything that has happened. I still can't believe that he is gone. I carry on each day, waiting for him to come home. Waiting for this to be over and go back to normal.
I am angry, that he is not here to see Ryan grow, laugh, run, hop "prance", laugh out loud, yell at the dogs, watch the deer, yell "shut the door", ride his quad.... I'm pissed off. It's just not fair. He was so in love with his little boy and his other children and family. He was such a hard working person, too hard at times. Why did God take him, why now? Why leave me here alone with our baby. Our child needs his daddy.
I recently had Ryan stand at the foot of the bed before nite nite and he put his hands together and says "nite, nite Daddy... Love you" THAT KILLS ME!!!!!
I am filled with memories of our life together daily and I don't want to go forward. My past, our past, was the best part of my life. I feel like I have missed out on Ryan's last 8 months of life. In May, I would hold him and he'd fall asleep, now he's a big boy and doesn't need mom's help with that. In that respect, I've blinked and Ryan is getting bigger, each time I open my eyes.
I don't know when or if I'm going to feel better. I can't see that I will. I can just make the pain of losing Wayne go away. I don't want to let anyone new in my life. I know I should be making new friends and doing things, but I don't want to. I'm sure people are tired of hearing me talk about what happened, but how can I stop? It consumes me daily. I am reminded that I am alone, daily. I am reminded daily, that Wayne is never coming back for us. He'll never be there again for me to talk to, laugh with, ask questions, ask for help and most important, to love and have fun with.
So, when I put this all together, I'm one ticked off person. I am in a place I never imagined myself in at this point of my life. I am tired of "being" strong and keeping a brave face on all the time. My life sucks right now and you can't imagine how much my heart aches, unless you are in my shoes. The void I have, not having my best friend by my side daily is in my face reality. I would do anything to bring Wayne back. I would give anything for just one more day. One day to have closure, one day to say goodbye.
His passing was the most unexpected event that I could have ever imagined in my life. I often wonder, how Wayne would be dealing with this, if the roles were reversed. I think he would be in a better place than I am. He always had things to do and would keep himself busy. I know he would miss me, but I have to believe he would find a way to be happy again. I'll never know.
Anyway, I'm sure this blog doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I have a million thoughts going thru my head right now and am just writing as I think it.Well, I guess that's about all I have for tonight.
Thank you for reading.....
I am not happy with my "new" life. It is boring and I am just living day to day. The "old" me is gone forever and I just want our old life back. I want to wake up and be happy, not have this big chunk of my heart missing. I want to wake up and not worry about what new challanges I will have to face alone. Wayne was my rock, he was always there for me. I could always depend on him. Sometimes he looked out for me better than I did for myself.
It has been a long, hard last 8 months. I wish everyday, that this was just a bad nightmare or some type of reality show. I still can't comprehend everything that has happened. I still can't believe that he is gone. I carry on each day, waiting for him to come home. Waiting for this to be over and go back to normal.
I am angry, that he is not here to see Ryan grow, laugh, run, hop "prance", laugh out loud, yell at the dogs, watch the deer, yell "shut the door", ride his quad.... I'm pissed off. It's just not fair. He was so in love with his little boy and his other children and family. He was such a hard working person, too hard at times. Why did God take him, why now? Why leave me here alone with our baby. Our child needs his daddy.
I recently had Ryan stand at the foot of the bed before nite nite and he put his hands together and says "nite, nite Daddy... Love you" THAT KILLS ME!!!!!
I am filled with memories of our life together daily and I don't want to go forward. My past, our past, was the best part of my life. I feel like I have missed out on Ryan's last 8 months of life. In May, I would hold him and he'd fall asleep, now he's a big boy and doesn't need mom's help with that. In that respect, I've blinked and Ryan is getting bigger, each time I open my eyes.
I don't know when or if I'm going to feel better. I can't see that I will. I can just make the pain of losing Wayne go away. I don't want to let anyone new in my life. I know I should be making new friends and doing things, but I don't want to. I'm sure people are tired of hearing me talk about what happened, but how can I stop? It consumes me daily. I am reminded that I am alone, daily. I am reminded daily, that Wayne is never coming back for us. He'll never be there again for me to talk to, laugh with, ask questions, ask for help and most important, to love and have fun with.
So, when I put this all together, I'm one ticked off person. I am in a place I never imagined myself in at this point of my life. I am tired of "being" strong and keeping a brave face on all the time. My life sucks right now and you can't imagine how much my heart aches, unless you are in my shoes. The void I have, not having my best friend by my side daily is in my face reality. I would do anything to bring Wayne back. I would give anything for just one more day. One day to have closure, one day to say goodbye.
His passing was the most unexpected event that I could have ever imagined in my life. I often wonder, how Wayne would be dealing with this, if the roles were reversed. I think he would be in a better place than I am. He always had things to do and would keep himself busy. I know he would miss me, but I have to believe he would find a way to be happy again. I'll never know.
Anyway, I'm sure this blog doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I have a million thoughts going thru my head right now and am just writing as I think it.Well, I guess that's about all I have for tonight.
Thank you for reading.....
Sunday, December 31, 2006
A sign from above
A sign from above
I know Wayne was around me the other day. I am at my Mom's and I always bring a picture of Wayne to set on the night table. Well, the other day, I was changing Ryan on my mom's bed and when I went to get something off the night table, there was a little tab, one that was in my Mom's old phone (which was mine years ago) and it said Wayne on it. I commented and said, "Where did this come from, the phone?" We both said, yeah, it is, but she put that phone away a few months ago and has had her cleaning lady here mulitple times since. Why would it still be on the table, after it's been cleaned?
It was just a little something, to let me know he is here with us. It made me feel great inside. Wayne always finds away to let me know he's around. Love never dies. He has made me believe.
I know Wayne was around me the other day. I am at my Mom's and I always bring a picture of Wayne to set on the night table. Well, the other day, I was changing Ryan on my mom's bed and when I went to get something off the night table, there was a little tab, one that was in my Mom's old phone (which was mine years ago) and it said Wayne on it. I commented and said, "Where did this come from, the phone?" We both said, yeah, it is, but she put that phone away a few months ago and has had her cleaning lady here mulitple times since. Why would it still be on the table, after it's been cleaned?
It was just a little something, to let me know he is here with us. It made me feel great inside. Wayne always finds away to let me know he's around. Love never dies. He has made me believe.
New Year's Resolutions
Okay, I'll start early. I hope this new year starts better than last.
On New Year's Eve last year, I said "I don't think I feel well" Well, within an hour I was icky sick. Mickey came home sick, my neice got it and her friend was over and she got it. Ugh, Wayne made sure to steer clear of us! But, he had to come to bed sometime that night and well, He woke up with it the next day and so did my nephew! All I have right now is a cold, so I'm doing better.
I have many things I want to acheive in 2007:
1. To quit somking. For myself and my son. He is all I have left and I can't be selfish. I'll find something to reward myself with.
2. To make the right decisions for my family. To think long and hard about their and my future. (I do that now anyway)
3. To try and make a new life for Ryan and I. To try to be who I use to be, but with obviously, modifications.
4. To make new friends and be sure to take care of the old ones too.
5. To try and be happy.
I think that's a pretty stiff list. I will take each day as it comes and try to learn I can't live in the past. My life is on a new course now and I know Wayne is watching over to see that I make the right choices. The hardest job of all, and most rewarding, is to raise Ryan, to be a great man like his father. If I succeed at that, I don't think I could be more proud.
Hope everyone has a great New Year.
On New Year's Eve last year, I said "I don't think I feel well" Well, within an hour I was icky sick. Mickey came home sick, my neice got it and her friend was over and she got it. Ugh, Wayne made sure to steer clear of us! But, he had to come to bed sometime that night and well, He woke up with it the next day and so did my nephew! All I have right now is a cold, so I'm doing better.
I have many things I want to acheive in 2007:
1. To quit somking. For myself and my son. He is all I have left and I can't be selfish. I'll find something to reward myself with.
2. To make the right decisions for my family. To think long and hard about their and my future. (I do that now anyway)
3. To try and make a new life for Ryan and I. To try to be who I use to be, but with obviously, modifications.
4. To make new friends and be sure to take care of the old ones too.
5. To try and be happy.
I think that's a pretty stiff list. I will take each day as it comes and try to learn I can't live in the past. My life is on a new course now and I know Wayne is watching over to see that I make the right choices. The hardest job of all, and most rewarding, is to raise Ryan, to be a great man like his father. If I succeed at that, I don't think I could be more proud.
Hope everyone has a great New Year.
Feeling Indifferent
Well, today has been pretty uneventful. Slept in a bit with Ryan and then we went shopping. Was treated to a nice pair of A&F jeans, Thank you Mom-Mom for the Christmas gift card! As a mom with bills to pay, I don't splurge for $80.00 jeans often. I would rather buy things for Ryan, but since it was a Christmas card to me, I treated me! Wanted to buy a pair of black and pink Etnie sneakers, but couldn't justify spending $65.00 on sneakers, since I get them dirty and then don't like them anymore.
Last year for Christmas, Wayne bought me two pairs of sneakers, because he knows my fetish with them and was covering the bases. I actually, have only worn one pair so far and the others are still in a box! I have to have clean sneakers.
Touched base with a friend tonight and it was nice to talk with her. She has had some medical issues and has not been herself for the last year. Thankfully, they found out the cause and she will be having surgery next month and hopefully, she will be able to resume her life. It was sweet, we discussed our boys playing together, as their daddy's were great friends! I think that is sweet.
Not too much more to write about tonight. Had a relaxing day here in NC (on vacation) and just laying low. (as I always do)The weather is nice and I am getting over my cold, except for the stupid annoying cough that won't go away.
Oh yeah, when we at the mall, my mom saw a cop and asked him to come say Hi to Ryan. He loves to watch Cops on T.V, but actually got shy and put his head into his stroller. Maybe he loves cops because Daddy was a cop. (The most handsome and sexiest cop I have ever laid eyes on) I have a picture of Wayne in uniform on his last day of work on my nightstand and the other day, Ryan woke up and said "Cop, Cop" and I said that's right honey, that's your Daddy!!!! I'm thinking Ryan might follow in his daddy's footsteps. That's fine with me. His daddy was a great cop. He just can't be a cop in a major city or high crime rate area!!!!!
Hope everyone has a nice night. Time to go have dinner.
Last year for Christmas, Wayne bought me two pairs of sneakers, because he knows my fetish with them and was covering the bases. I actually, have only worn one pair so far and the others are still in a box! I have to have clean sneakers.
Touched base with a friend tonight and it was nice to talk with her. She has had some medical issues and has not been herself for the last year. Thankfully, they found out the cause and she will be having surgery next month and hopefully, she will be able to resume her life. It was sweet, we discussed our boys playing together, as their daddy's were great friends! I think that is sweet.
Not too much more to write about tonight. Had a relaxing day here in NC (on vacation) and just laying low. (as I always do)The weather is nice and I am getting over my cold, except for the stupid annoying cough that won't go away.
Oh yeah, when we at the mall, my mom saw a cop and asked him to come say Hi to Ryan. He loves to watch Cops on T.V, but actually got shy and put his head into his stroller. Maybe he loves cops because Daddy was a cop. (The most handsome and sexiest cop I have ever laid eyes on) I have a picture of Wayne in uniform on his last day of work on my nightstand and the other day, Ryan woke up and said "Cop, Cop" and I said that's right honey, that's your Daddy!!!! I'm thinking Ryan might follow in his daddy's footsteps. That's fine with me. His daddy was a great cop. He just can't be a cop in a major city or high crime rate area!!!!!
Hope everyone has a nice night. Time to go have dinner.
Christmas
So, I woke up on Christmas Eve and was doing fine. As it got later in the day and I had to start to get ready for all the upcoming events, I jumped in the shower and started to cry. This was the first time in 15 years, that my plans were alter. I always had a plan and it always included Wayne. It hit me hard, because for some reason, I had built it up in my mind that he would be home for Christmas. It was a cold dose of reality, that I was alone and he wasn't going to be there.
Ryan and I went to my Grandfathers and spent some time there with family. On our way, we went to the cemetery and laid roses down for Wayne. Ryan looked so handsome, his little smile just melted my heart. Seeing how big he has grown in the last year was amazing and sad at the same time. Amazing, because he is our son and sad, because Wayne is not here to see how big he is growing and experiencing how funny and wonderful he is.
I tried for hours to take a picture of him all dressed up and he wanted no part of it. He was too excited being in a new place and exploring, as all little boys do. A man came over to my Grandfather's and Ryan took to him right away. He stood there and smiled and let him take pictures of him. He wanted "Up, Up" and while it was cute, it killed me inside. Ryan often likes guys and I have to wonder if he is looking for his daddy. Unless you are in my shoes, you can't imagine how difficult that is to deal with.
We left and went to my Mother-in-laws. I had hoped I would have missed the start of dinner, but I didn't. The reason I wanted to miss the beginning was that I wasn't sure if I would be able to deal with Wayne's daughter saying Grace. I knew she was dreading saying it for days. It hit her hard and everyone ended up in tears. This was the first time in 58 years, Wayne was not at his mother's table for Christmas Eve dinner and the first time any of his children weren't with their father.
I know I talk about me and my loss all the time, but believe me, I am very aware of the wonderful man that we all lost. She started to cry and left the table. I went after her and while I was dying myself inside, I managed to try to cheer her up and re-enforce to her that Wayne wouldn't and doesn't want us to cry and that he wants us to continue on and have a wonderful holiday. (I don't know how much I believed my own advice, but I had to try to be strong for her)
We left and went back to our house and did adult presents, because we all had so much to do on Christmas. It was different and I made it thru. I love handing out presents and then I found myself there with a pile to open myself. I received wonderful and thoughtful gifts from everyone.
My neice and nephew got me a necklace with diamond chips, representing themselves and Ryan and beautiful matching earrings. My mother got me a circle of life necklace and everyone got me a necklace of a heart with a missing piece. It is the reunion necklace, for one day that I meet up with Wayne again. Well, that particular necklace made me burst out crying. The fun and laughter that usually filled our family room on Christmas Eve was muted and different.
Another difficult part was when Mickey's boyfriend opend a Christmas present from Wayne. He had started shopping earlier in the year for him and we remembered where the presents were. I think he was touched, but being the strong guy he is, he kept it inside. He liked Wayne alot! I had also found a card Wayne got for Mickey last Christmas for Ryan to give to her and we had forgotten about it and it never got signed, so when I found it, I helped Ryan sign it and told Mickey that her dad bought the card. Just the little things he left behind, touched us all on Christmas Eve.
I started to clean up from the massive amounts of wrapping paper in the living room and when I was alone, I found myself crying, but wiped my tears and told myself that I can go on!On Christmas morning, it was sad waking up without Wayne there, but I had Ryan and my neice and nephew.
We got up and went out and saw all the presents Santa had left and were so surprised! I made the mistake of giving Ryan a 20 pack of Match box cars first. He wanted nothing to do with any other presents!!!!
Again, all the excitement was over and again, I was cleaning up paper and this time, reallllllllly lost it. My neice came in and I felt so bad, but I just hugged her so hard and long and cried. I find myself crying often, but with no-one to hold me. She just let me cry and get it out. I missed Wayne so much and the pain was difficult to deal with. Like I wrote earlier, I for some reason, thought he'd be home for Christmas and he wasn't. Have you ever worked really hard to accomplish something and think, "Oh, when I'm done with this, this will happen?" Well, it hit me that I made it thru, but what I wanted, I will never have again and that I will have to do Christmas alone, for the rest of my life. Mind you I wasn't Alone, but Alone and without Wayne.
We went to my Mother-in-laws and did presents there. She and I had a minute before everyone else arrived and again, I started to cry. I dreaded driving to her house, again, knowing that this was the first year without her baby. Luckily, family started to show up, so we wiped our tears and did presents.
By this time, Ryan and I were pooped and went home and took a nap. We got up and got ready and went to my brother and sister-in-laws house for dinner. On our way, we went to the cemetery and I put down toll house cookies for Wayne and his father. (Wayne loved the cookies at Christmas)
Going to my brothers was different for me, as we had started doing Christmas dinner at our house, but we were invited and I didn't think I would be able to do dinner this year. All the other emotions I was dealing with was enough, not to add having to entertain on Christmas night. We had a nice time and I think we were all tired when we got home.
I called my mother-in-law to see how the rest of her day was. I felt bad, because atleast I had my mom, neice, nephew and Ryan at home with me, but I knew she was alone and we all experience the build up of Christmas and then it's over. We had a nice talk for about an hour on the phone and said we were both tired and hung up and went and got in bed with Ryan.
Last night, we all drove down to my mom's in N.C and I'm winding down from Christmas and the long drive. We did make it thru. There were a few bumps in the road and all of our hearts were heavy, but we made it! That is the most important part. I will always remember the past, but have to make new happy memories too and even though Wayne is not "physically" here, I know he is here with us in spirit and watching over us. There is nothing in the world that would keep him away from his family.
Wayne gave me the most amazing gifts in life. The amount of love Wayne gave me was like Christmas all year long and our greatest gift to each other was our son Ryan. I will continue to be thankful for the time I did have with Wayne and the wonderful task of raising our son, for the rest of my life.I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and you all have a happy New Year!
Kim
Ryan and I went to my Grandfathers and spent some time there with family. On our way, we went to the cemetery and laid roses down for Wayne. Ryan looked so handsome, his little smile just melted my heart. Seeing how big he has grown in the last year was amazing and sad at the same time. Amazing, because he is our son and sad, because Wayne is not here to see how big he is growing and experiencing how funny and wonderful he is.
I tried for hours to take a picture of him all dressed up and he wanted no part of it. He was too excited being in a new place and exploring, as all little boys do. A man came over to my Grandfather's and Ryan took to him right away. He stood there and smiled and let him take pictures of him. He wanted "Up, Up" and while it was cute, it killed me inside. Ryan often likes guys and I have to wonder if he is looking for his daddy. Unless you are in my shoes, you can't imagine how difficult that is to deal with.
We left and went to my Mother-in-laws. I had hoped I would have missed the start of dinner, but I didn't. The reason I wanted to miss the beginning was that I wasn't sure if I would be able to deal with Wayne's daughter saying Grace. I knew she was dreading saying it for days. It hit her hard and everyone ended up in tears. This was the first time in 58 years, Wayne was not at his mother's table for Christmas Eve dinner and the first time any of his children weren't with their father.
I know I talk about me and my loss all the time, but believe me, I am very aware of the wonderful man that we all lost. She started to cry and left the table. I went after her and while I was dying myself inside, I managed to try to cheer her up and re-enforce to her that Wayne wouldn't and doesn't want us to cry and that he wants us to continue on and have a wonderful holiday. (I don't know how much I believed my own advice, but I had to try to be strong for her)
We left and went back to our house and did adult presents, because we all had so much to do on Christmas. It was different and I made it thru. I love handing out presents and then I found myself there with a pile to open myself. I received wonderful and thoughtful gifts from everyone.
My neice and nephew got me a necklace with diamond chips, representing themselves and Ryan and beautiful matching earrings. My mother got me a circle of life necklace and everyone got me a necklace of a heart with a missing piece. It is the reunion necklace, for one day that I meet up with Wayne again. Well, that particular necklace made me burst out crying. The fun and laughter that usually filled our family room on Christmas Eve was muted and different.
Another difficult part was when Mickey's boyfriend opend a Christmas present from Wayne. He had started shopping earlier in the year for him and we remembered where the presents were. I think he was touched, but being the strong guy he is, he kept it inside. He liked Wayne alot! I had also found a card Wayne got for Mickey last Christmas for Ryan to give to her and we had forgotten about it and it never got signed, so when I found it, I helped Ryan sign it and told Mickey that her dad bought the card. Just the little things he left behind, touched us all on Christmas Eve.
I started to clean up from the massive amounts of wrapping paper in the living room and when I was alone, I found myself crying, but wiped my tears and told myself that I can go on!On Christmas morning, it was sad waking up without Wayne there, but I had Ryan and my neice and nephew.
We got up and went out and saw all the presents Santa had left and were so surprised! I made the mistake of giving Ryan a 20 pack of Match box cars first. He wanted nothing to do with any other presents!!!!
Again, all the excitement was over and again, I was cleaning up paper and this time, reallllllllly lost it. My neice came in and I felt so bad, but I just hugged her so hard and long and cried. I find myself crying often, but with no-one to hold me. She just let me cry and get it out. I missed Wayne so much and the pain was difficult to deal with. Like I wrote earlier, I for some reason, thought he'd be home for Christmas and he wasn't. Have you ever worked really hard to accomplish something and think, "Oh, when I'm done with this, this will happen?" Well, it hit me that I made it thru, but what I wanted, I will never have again and that I will have to do Christmas alone, for the rest of my life. Mind you I wasn't Alone, but Alone and without Wayne.
We went to my Mother-in-laws and did presents there. She and I had a minute before everyone else arrived and again, I started to cry. I dreaded driving to her house, again, knowing that this was the first year without her baby. Luckily, family started to show up, so we wiped our tears and did presents.
By this time, Ryan and I were pooped and went home and took a nap. We got up and got ready and went to my brother and sister-in-laws house for dinner. On our way, we went to the cemetery and I put down toll house cookies for Wayne and his father. (Wayne loved the cookies at Christmas)
Going to my brothers was different for me, as we had started doing Christmas dinner at our house, but we were invited and I didn't think I would be able to do dinner this year. All the other emotions I was dealing with was enough, not to add having to entertain on Christmas night. We had a nice time and I think we were all tired when we got home.
I called my mother-in-law to see how the rest of her day was. I felt bad, because atleast I had my mom, neice, nephew and Ryan at home with me, but I knew she was alone and we all experience the build up of Christmas and then it's over. We had a nice talk for about an hour on the phone and said we were both tired and hung up and went and got in bed with Ryan.
Last night, we all drove down to my mom's in N.C and I'm winding down from Christmas and the long drive. We did make it thru. There were a few bumps in the road and all of our hearts were heavy, but we made it! That is the most important part. I will always remember the past, but have to make new happy memories too and even though Wayne is not "physically" here, I know he is here with us in spirit and watching over us. There is nothing in the world that would keep him away from his family.
Wayne gave me the most amazing gifts in life. The amount of love Wayne gave me was like Christmas all year long and our greatest gift to each other was our son Ryan. I will continue to be thankful for the time I did have with Wayne and the wonderful task of raising our son, for the rest of my life.I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and you all have a happy New Year!
Kim
Grief List
Grief List
1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one's name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.
2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me, the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you, crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
3. I wish you wouldn't let my loved one die again by removing from your home their artwork, pictures or any other rememberances.
4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counselling.
5. Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.
6. I wish you knew all the crazy reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.
7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be 'cured' or a 'formerly bereaved,' but forever be 'recovering' from my bereavement.
8. I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.
9. Our loved one's birthday, the anniversary of their death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.
10. I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party, this is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have hurt before and I can heal.
11. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to 'my old self' you will stay frustrated, I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me, maybe you will still like me.
Author Unknown
DO NOT CRY FOR MY ABSENCE,
FEEL CLOSE AND STILL TALK TO ME.
I WILL LOVE YOU FROM HEAVEN AS I HAVE LOVED YOU ON EARTH.
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me...
When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not here to see...
If the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me, I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today...
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say. I know how much you love me, as much as I love you...
And each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me, too.
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand...
That Jesus came and called my name and took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready in heaven far above...
And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart...
For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.
1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one's name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.
2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me, the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you, crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
3. I wish you wouldn't let my loved one die again by removing from your home their artwork, pictures or any other rememberances.
4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counselling.
5. Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.
6. I wish you knew all the crazy reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.
7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be 'cured' or a 'formerly bereaved,' but forever be 'recovering' from my bereavement.
8. I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.
9. Our loved one's birthday, the anniversary of their death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.
10. I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party, this is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have hurt before and I can heal.
11. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to 'my old self' you will stay frustrated, I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me, maybe you will still like me.
Author Unknown
DO NOT CRY FOR MY ABSENCE,
FEEL CLOSE AND STILL TALK TO ME.
I WILL LOVE YOU FROM HEAVEN AS I HAVE LOVED YOU ON EARTH.
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me...
When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not here to see...
If the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me, I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today...
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say. I know how much you love me, as much as I love you...
And each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me, too.
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand...
That Jesus came and called my name and took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready in heaven far above...
And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart...
For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.
Annual Christmas Party
Annual Christmas Party
Well, we had our Annual Christmas party on Saturday. I was struggling for a long time, trying to decide if we should have it and how I was going to feel. This was a family tradition we started some years ago, to bring all our family and friends together and have a good time. We had our Christmas party and a Summer party.
I decided to go ahead and proceed as usual. I know that if the roles were reversed, Wayne would have had the party. He loved having family gatherings.(I do too, but he was into it more). I want to continue what Wayne and I started for Ryan to enjoy. After all, he is my main focus in life, he is my drive and my reason.
Almost everyone invited showed up and it was a nice time. I was feeling very sad and had a heavy heart as I was getting myself and Ryan ready. Wayne was always the last one showered and usually just finished getting dressed as the first guests arrived. This too, was a tradition. I was sad, waiting for him, knowing he wasn't going to be jumping out of the shower and asking me what I picked out for him to wear.
Luckily, I was able to keep busy, with so many people here. The time just flew by and before I knew it, the night was over. Everyone left and we started to clean up. I felt guilty, that I had been so busy during the party, that I didn't think about Wayne much. That kills me inside, because I never want to forget Wayne. It was difficult, glancing from room to room and not seeing his big smile looking back at me. No matter where we were, we'd always spy each other and the love in his eyes, would shoot across the room and into my heart. The love he showed my from his eyes and smile were just as powerful as a long, passionate kiss from him.
On Sunday, my brother came over and was fixing my garage door. At one point, the kids were in the way and I said, "Watch out, let Uncle Wayne get thru". I think that is the first slip of tounge that I have had.
I know this is real and that Wayne is not coming back, but somewhere inside, I think he is. I keep thinking, okay, he'll show up on Christmas Day and this will all have been some really bad reality show or something. That I will be VERY MAD that he did this to me, to us, but I would fall to my knees in happiness, just to have him back again.
Wayne was a big strong man. He was very active and never sat still. I still can't and don't understand how this happened. Why him, why now? You can not imagine how much I miss him. How lonely I am everyday without him. I know I am doing better and moving a step forward everyday, but I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, that I forget any of the past. I still can't imagine ever being as happy as I once was, agaiin.
I know that Christmas Eve and Christmas will be a struggle for me. This will be the first time in 15 years, that we are not together. I am going to make Christmas be the best I can for Ryan. He is my focus and this year, it is all about him. When I am feeling sad and down, I will give him and extra hug and a big kiss and he will keep me busy.
Thank you for reading and have a good night.Kim
Well, we had our Annual Christmas party on Saturday. I was struggling for a long time, trying to decide if we should have it and how I was going to feel. This was a family tradition we started some years ago, to bring all our family and friends together and have a good time. We had our Christmas party and a Summer party.
I decided to go ahead and proceed as usual. I know that if the roles were reversed, Wayne would have had the party. He loved having family gatherings.(I do too, but he was into it more). I want to continue what Wayne and I started for Ryan to enjoy. After all, he is my main focus in life, he is my drive and my reason.
Almost everyone invited showed up and it was a nice time. I was feeling very sad and had a heavy heart as I was getting myself and Ryan ready. Wayne was always the last one showered and usually just finished getting dressed as the first guests arrived. This too, was a tradition. I was sad, waiting for him, knowing he wasn't going to be jumping out of the shower and asking me what I picked out for him to wear.
Luckily, I was able to keep busy, with so many people here. The time just flew by and before I knew it, the night was over. Everyone left and we started to clean up. I felt guilty, that I had been so busy during the party, that I didn't think about Wayne much. That kills me inside, because I never want to forget Wayne. It was difficult, glancing from room to room and not seeing his big smile looking back at me. No matter where we were, we'd always spy each other and the love in his eyes, would shoot across the room and into my heart. The love he showed my from his eyes and smile were just as powerful as a long, passionate kiss from him.
On Sunday, my brother came over and was fixing my garage door. At one point, the kids were in the way and I said, "Watch out, let Uncle Wayne get thru". I think that is the first slip of tounge that I have had.
I know this is real and that Wayne is not coming back, but somewhere inside, I think he is. I keep thinking, okay, he'll show up on Christmas Day and this will all have been some really bad reality show or something. That I will be VERY MAD that he did this to me, to us, but I would fall to my knees in happiness, just to have him back again.
Wayne was a big strong man. He was very active and never sat still. I still can't and don't understand how this happened. Why him, why now? You can not imagine how much I miss him. How lonely I am everyday without him. I know I am doing better and moving a step forward everyday, but I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, that I forget any of the past. I still can't imagine ever being as happy as I once was, agaiin.
I know that Christmas Eve and Christmas will be a struggle for me. This will be the first time in 15 years, that we are not together. I am going to make Christmas be the best I can for Ryan. He is my focus and this year, it is all about him. When I am feeling sad and down, I will give him and extra hug and a big kiss and he will keep me busy.
Thank you for reading and have a good night.Kim
7 months ago
Wow, I can't believe it is 7 months today, that Wayne passed away. Time just keeps ticking and ticking and I haven't had a moment to really stand still and reflect on what has happened. That could be a good thing or a bad thing. Good, that I keep going and have not laid down and died.
I still miss Wayne every minute of everyday, that hasn't changed. It is getting very difficult with Christmas 2 weeks away. I think that's when I'll see a melt down inside. We so loved Christmas, being with our family and friends and most of all, each other. I don't know any other man, who put as much time and effort into Christmas, as Wayne did. He Loved Christmas very much. He loved to shop for others and just liked to go shopping and walk around and look. Not me, I have to go shopping with a purpose.
Waking up Christmas morning, without him by my side, being the first one to wish me a Merry Christmas and come out to open presents with, it going to hurt alot. I'd give up ever having another Christmas or anything, just to have him back.
....A funny story
....The first Christmas Wayne and I had together, he was working and had taken my gift to the Police Station to wrap it. It was dark out, when he walked out the station door. His police car was parked up against the curb. He had gotten me a stereo system and in was in a pretty big box. Wayne had misjudged how far he was away from the curb and stepped down, his foot got wedged between the curb and tire and lost his balance. He fell backwards onto the sidewalk. I will always remember him telling me, "God, I hope no one drives by" because here was a cop, laying flat on his back on the curb of the Police Station, with a big box on top of his chest.
Writing this now, make me laugh to think about it.It is memories like that, that turn the sadness I started out with writing this, into a moment, where I have a smile on my face. I had 15 amazing years with Wayne. 15 amazing Christmas's and now I have to contiune on having fun with our son Ryan. I know Wayne would do that for him and me, if the roles were reveresed. Anyway, just felt like writing tonight. Thanks for reading, as always.
I still miss Wayne every minute of everyday, that hasn't changed. It is getting very difficult with Christmas 2 weeks away. I think that's when I'll see a melt down inside. We so loved Christmas, being with our family and friends and most of all, each other. I don't know any other man, who put as much time and effort into Christmas, as Wayne did. He Loved Christmas very much. He loved to shop for others and just liked to go shopping and walk around and look. Not me, I have to go shopping with a purpose.
Waking up Christmas morning, without him by my side, being the first one to wish me a Merry Christmas and come out to open presents with, it going to hurt alot. I'd give up ever having another Christmas or anything, just to have him back.
....A funny story
....The first Christmas Wayne and I had together, he was working and had taken my gift to the Police Station to wrap it. It was dark out, when he walked out the station door. His police car was parked up against the curb. He had gotten me a stereo system and in was in a pretty big box. Wayne had misjudged how far he was away from the curb and stepped down, his foot got wedged between the curb and tire and lost his balance. He fell backwards onto the sidewalk. I will always remember him telling me, "God, I hope no one drives by" because here was a cop, laying flat on his back on the curb of the Police Station, with a big box on top of his chest.
Writing this now, make me laugh to think about it.It is memories like that, that turn the sadness I started out with writing this, into a moment, where I have a smile on my face. I had 15 amazing years with Wayne. 15 amazing Christmas's and now I have to contiune on having fun with our son Ryan. I know Wayne would do that for him and me, if the roles were reveresed. Anyway, just felt like writing tonight. Thanks for reading, as always.
An Empty Chair
So, tonight I went to my mother-in-laws with Ryan to see the "guys". Today was the 1st day of Shotgun season here and it is a family tradition for everyone to come in and have dinner tonight. I didn't think it would be as emotional for me, but as the time got closer to go tonight, my heart was hurting. We all have our respective places at her dinner table and Wayne had the head chair and I sat by his side. It has been this way for as long as we've been together. When I walked in and saw his chair, my eyes started to fill with tears. This was the first time I would be at his mothers and not have him sitting by my side. I wasn't sure if I could actually sit down and do it, but his cousin sat in the chair (without knowing what I was thinking) and I guess that made it a bit easier. It wasn't his brother or son sitting there, taking his place.
It's going to be 7 months on Sunday and I still can't believe that this is real. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my husband back. I miss my best friend so much. I miss knowing that I could always depend and count on Wayne. I trusted him with my life and there are very few people in the world that I have that much faith in. Wayne was the number 1 person I trusted. My heart is so lonely and I feel like he is off at war and will be home soon. I just want him to come home. I have no one to talk to, to tell how my day was and no one to make plans with. Every plan I had, has slipped thru the cracks and doesn't exist any longer. We had plans, together, as a couple, as a family. Now, I have no plans. How sad.I just want to be loved again. I want to give my love to Wayne and have our happy, fun life back.
Everyone else around me is going on with life, I guess I am too, but dragging my feet and living in the past. The past keeps me going. The past is my happiest time of life. A time in my life that I don't see being happier or having that feeling again.I am tired of people saying or thinking that because I am young, I will find another man and continue on with my life. It's not going to be that way. I love and respect Wayne so much and value what we had. I could never open my heart up like that again. I could never be loved the way Wayne loved me and anything else, would fall short and I would and will always compare to my life with Wayne to anything new. In my heart and mind, I had the best life possible. We weren't rich with money, but we were filthy rich with love and happiness and that's what matters most to me in life. That's why being without it now kills me, hurts me and makes my heart empty.I also know, that I could NEVER, have our son call another man "Daddy". Ryan has the most amazing father, who is up in heaven, watching over us everyday. I will never do that to Wayne or Ryan. Ryan will learn and know how great his father was and have wonderful happy memories of his daddy. I can play both roles of mom and dad and give Ryan a great life and that is what I plan on doing. He, is the reason I haven't completely lost my mind and gone crazy. If I didn't have Ryan, I don't know where I'd be right now. I am thankful for him, as he has made me keep going and because of him, I can not and will not give up.I know, I always write the same thing over and over, but this is life. I have lost the closest person to me in the world and he's never coming back for me.
I can't stop thinking about Wayne, as we were together for 15 incredible years and i will never stop thinking about him or missing him. Wayne made all my dreams come true. There was nothing more in the world he could have given me. His love was the greatest gift and when you lose that, it hurts real bad. I don't know how long it will take until I see some kind of happy times again. I honestly, don't think I will ever feel the contentment I had in my life and heart 7 months ago, again. How could I? Nothing will ever be the same and I will always be looking back, because I am too afraid to look forward.
It's going to be 7 months on Sunday and I still can't believe that this is real. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my husband back. I miss my best friend so much. I miss knowing that I could always depend and count on Wayne. I trusted him with my life and there are very few people in the world that I have that much faith in. Wayne was the number 1 person I trusted. My heart is so lonely and I feel like he is off at war and will be home soon. I just want him to come home. I have no one to talk to, to tell how my day was and no one to make plans with. Every plan I had, has slipped thru the cracks and doesn't exist any longer. We had plans, together, as a couple, as a family. Now, I have no plans. How sad.I just want to be loved again. I want to give my love to Wayne and have our happy, fun life back.
Everyone else around me is going on with life, I guess I am too, but dragging my feet and living in the past. The past keeps me going. The past is my happiest time of life. A time in my life that I don't see being happier or having that feeling again.I am tired of people saying or thinking that because I am young, I will find another man and continue on with my life. It's not going to be that way. I love and respect Wayne so much and value what we had. I could never open my heart up like that again. I could never be loved the way Wayne loved me and anything else, would fall short and I would and will always compare to my life with Wayne to anything new. In my heart and mind, I had the best life possible. We weren't rich with money, but we were filthy rich with love and happiness and that's what matters most to me in life. That's why being without it now kills me, hurts me and makes my heart empty.I also know, that I could NEVER, have our son call another man "Daddy". Ryan has the most amazing father, who is up in heaven, watching over us everyday. I will never do that to Wayne or Ryan. Ryan will learn and know how great his father was and have wonderful happy memories of his daddy. I can play both roles of mom and dad and give Ryan a great life and that is what I plan on doing. He, is the reason I haven't completely lost my mind and gone crazy. If I didn't have Ryan, I don't know where I'd be right now. I am thankful for him, as he has made me keep going and because of him, I can not and will not give up.I know, I always write the same thing over and over, but this is life. I have lost the closest person to me in the world and he's never coming back for me.
I can't stop thinking about Wayne, as we were together for 15 incredible years and i will never stop thinking about him or missing him. Wayne made all my dreams come true. There was nothing more in the world he could have given me. His love was the greatest gift and when you lose that, it hurts real bad. I don't know how long it will take until I see some kind of happy times again. I honestly, don't think I will ever feel the contentment I had in my life and heart 7 months ago, again. How could I? Nothing will ever be the same and I will always be looking back, because I am too afraid to look forward.
What a weekend
Wow, what a busy weekend we had. My little guy started to get sick Thursday night with a high fever and being very clingy. I felt so bad, as he couldn't tell me what was wrong and was up crying til early in the morning. He was sleepy and not himself all day Friday and the same thing Friday night.
We got up early Saturday morning and were taking my nephew to Dave and Buster's in Philly, for his 10th birthday. I had never been there and was looking forward to going. We has a surprise in store for him and he no-one knew except the adults. We had to meet everyone at my sisters houses. When we arrived, there was a black stretch limo in the driveway. His eyes perked up and and mouth droped. I told him to go see what they were doing there and they told him they were lost and turning around. A minute later, I told him to go ask if the driver needed directions. The limo driver stepped out of the car and said, "NO, I'm looking for Peter" and Pete was like "That's me" and he asked him where he wanted to go today. So, we all piled into the limo and headed off to Philly.
We had lunch at Dave and Buster's and played a ton of games. Was a pretty cool place, if you've never been. Pictures posted on my profile page. Anyway, i don't think he will ever forget his 10th birthday...
My little guy continued to be sick all night on Saturday and cried and woke up every hour. This led to mommy not getting much sleep. I took him to the Dr. today and we really think it's because he's teething. He's getting 8 teeth at one time. He's not a happy camper. Had a not so busy day today, but got a little bit of sleep while Ryan napped. My heart feels so bad, that I can't fix his pain.
Tonight is emotional for me, as tomorrow is the 1st day of Shotgun Deer hunting here. My husband lived for this week. It was a family tradition and he looked forward to it every year. It was time he spent with his brother and sons and he always wanted them to score first, before himself. His mom always makes a big dinner the Sunday night before and everyone would go in and eat. She also gets up at the crack of dawn, or before, tomorrow morning and makes the guys breakfast and then dinner tomorrow night. I know Wayne will be on everyone of their minds tomorrow morning, as he was a "Leader" and a good hunter. It was 4 days of the guys getting to hang out together. To hunt, talk about hunting and tell the same stories that have been told for 100 years.I would always keep Wayne up late tonight, talking and he'd finally go to bed at 1am and have to wake up at 3:30am to get to his mom's for breakfast. He put up with so much from me:)
I was at my sister's and told of what I just told you all and was a bit sappy and missing Wayne. As I was talking, I was helping her clean up the boys play area, when I looked up on the train table and on there, was 1 matchbox car and a plastic 10 POINT BUCK.... What are the odds??? I asked her, where did you get this, she said someone gave it to the boys for their birthday and only saw it back in August. I have NEVER seen this plastic deer before and it wasn't there all weekend. It was just that I was talking about Wayne and how much he loved Shotgun week and for me to look up and see that sitting there, was a sign, that he was there and listening. I asked if I could have it. I took it up to the cemetary on the way home tonight (that's love, a cemetery at dark) and put it on his headstone. I love you honey and wish you good shooting tomorrow. I know your'll be hunting up there, if you can and you will be watching over your family tomorrow to make sure they score.
For those of you who have not walked in my shoes, the signs I get from Wayne are amazing. I have never thought about or believed so much in signs from the afterlife, but I am living this, everyday and I know Wayne is doing everything in his power, to show me that he still exists, hears me and is with me. I can feel my best friend around me. Wayne will never leave me.
So, that was my weekend. Sick little man, spending time with my nephew and his friends and taking a stretch to Philly. Taking little man to the Dr. and trying to catch up on sleep that I missed out on Thursday and Friday night and going to a cemetery in the dark for the 1st time in my life. That's love, for a girl like me who is a big whimp.
We got up early Saturday morning and were taking my nephew to Dave and Buster's in Philly, for his 10th birthday. I had never been there and was looking forward to going. We has a surprise in store for him and he no-one knew except the adults. We had to meet everyone at my sisters houses. When we arrived, there was a black stretch limo in the driveway. His eyes perked up and and mouth droped. I told him to go see what they were doing there and they told him they were lost and turning around. A minute later, I told him to go ask if the driver needed directions. The limo driver stepped out of the car and said, "NO, I'm looking for Peter" and Pete was like "That's me" and he asked him where he wanted to go today. So, we all piled into the limo and headed off to Philly.
We had lunch at Dave and Buster's and played a ton of games. Was a pretty cool place, if you've never been. Pictures posted on my profile page. Anyway, i don't think he will ever forget his 10th birthday...
My little guy continued to be sick all night on Saturday and cried and woke up every hour. This led to mommy not getting much sleep. I took him to the Dr. today and we really think it's because he's teething. He's getting 8 teeth at one time. He's not a happy camper. Had a not so busy day today, but got a little bit of sleep while Ryan napped. My heart feels so bad, that I can't fix his pain.
Tonight is emotional for me, as tomorrow is the 1st day of Shotgun Deer hunting here. My husband lived for this week. It was a family tradition and he looked forward to it every year. It was time he spent with his brother and sons and he always wanted them to score first, before himself. His mom always makes a big dinner the Sunday night before and everyone would go in and eat. She also gets up at the crack of dawn, or before, tomorrow morning and makes the guys breakfast and then dinner tomorrow night. I know Wayne will be on everyone of their minds tomorrow morning, as he was a "Leader" and a good hunter. It was 4 days of the guys getting to hang out together. To hunt, talk about hunting and tell the same stories that have been told for 100 years.I would always keep Wayne up late tonight, talking and he'd finally go to bed at 1am and have to wake up at 3:30am to get to his mom's for breakfast. He put up with so much from me:)
I was at my sister's and told of what I just told you all and was a bit sappy and missing Wayne. As I was talking, I was helping her clean up the boys play area, when I looked up on the train table and on there, was 1 matchbox car and a plastic 10 POINT BUCK.... What are the odds??? I asked her, where did you get this, she said someone gave it to the boys for their birthday and only saw it back in August. I have NEVER seen this plastic deer before and it wasn't there all weekend. It was just that I was talking about Wayne and how much he loved Shotgun week and for me to look up and see that sitting there, was a sign, that he was there and listening. I asked if I could have it. I took it up to the cemetary on the way home tonight (that's love, a cemetery at dark) and put it on his headstone. I love you honey and wish you good shooting tomorrow. I know your'll be hunting up there, if you can and you will be watching over your family tomorrow to make sure they score.
For those of you who have not walked in my shoes, the signs I get from Wayne are amazing. I have never thought about or believed so much in signs from the afterlife, but I am living this, everyday and I know Wayne is doing everything in his power, to show me that he still exists, hears me and is with me. I can feel my best friend around me. Wayne will never leave me.
So, that was my weekend. Sick little man, spending time with my nephew and his friends and taking a stretch to Philly. Taking little man to the Dr. and trying to catch up on sleep that I missed out on Thursday and Friday night and going to a cemetery in the dark for the 1st time in my life. That's love, for a girl like me who is a big whimp.
Here Comes the Sadness
Well, here come the sad times. With Christmas less than a month away, I am already feeling the emptiness in the pit of my belly and the missing piece of my heart.We spent the whole weekend outside, putting up the Christmas decorations. It was hard work and we busted hump to do it, but we got it done. Wayne always made the outside look beautiful and I want to continue his tradition. Everyone is so excited for Christmas to come, I could care less if it came or not.
My Christmas will never be the same again. The first year I met Wayne, he brought my presents to my house and left them under the tree. I joked with him and shook a box and took some guesses. He did not like that and said it wasn't fair. From that point forward, he wouldn't even bring one present in the house for me, until Christmas Eve night. He would buy presents, take them to his mom's house and wrap them there. He always wrapped my presents in beautiful paper and handmade perfect bows. He could out wrap me anyday. His presentation was beautiful. For such a big, strong guy, he sure could wrap!
Our Christmas's were always so special between us. We enjoyed giving to everyone and he always got me something special and put his heart and great thought into it.
Wayne, on the other hand was a pain. He would always guess what I got him as his "Big gift" and was right, more times than not. Two years ago, he lost his wedding band while gutting a deer in New York State. He was very upset about that and hated not having his wedding band on. I had purchased him a new one and alot of other gifts. I gave him all his other presents and waited awhile, then gave him his new ring. He had written down a new ring and put the piece of paper away. He was always like that and it annoyed people.I did get him good awhile back. I purchased and had a enclosed landscape trailer custom built for him. He was at my house and we were doing presents. Then I had someone drive it there and park it outside after he was inside. I made a puzzle and made him follow clues all over the house and finally led him outside and he was very surprised. For once, I got him!
I will miss our Christmas traditions and we always had a Christmas party at our house for our whole family. I wasn't going to do it this year, but decided today, that he would want me to continue and he would do the same if I was gone. I am so thankful that at least we had one family Christmas together with Ryan. Ryan is why I am going thru the emotional hardship of decorating for Christmas and trying to have a nice holiday season. He is so sweet and innocent and deserves to have and make happy memories.I miss Wayne so very much. I feel him around me, I know he's here. I just want to have one more day with him. There is so much I don't know, so much he could teach me, but as we accomplish the tasks at hand, I look back and smile and say to myself, He did teach me and I paid attention. I felt a sense of pride, after we got the outside decorated. It looks beautiful.
As we decorated our tree last night, I was not into it at all. We always put our tree up Thanksgiving weekend, watched movies and decorated the house. I have no other decorations out yet. I have more Christmas stuff than I have room for!!! This is going to be a hard month for me. The holidays are supposed to be spent and enjoyed with the ones you love and the love of my life is no longer here with me. I know I have Ryan here and I am thankful, but the love I have for our son and the love I have for my husband are so completely different. It's lonely and sad not having the love of your life by your side, to share with and make memories with.
Thanks for bearing with me, I'm sure there will be many more unhappy thoughts for me this month. Be thankful for the husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend that is by your side. Even if you sometimes disagree or whatever, be thankful, because life could change in an instant. Be sure that the ones you love know it, everyday. I am blessed with the fact that I knew how much Wayne loved me and that he knew how much I loved him.
That knowledge will last me a lifetime with a smile in my heart.
My Christmas will never be the same again. The first year I met Wayne, he brought my presents to my house and left them under the tree. I joked with him and shook a box and took some guesses. He did not like that and said it wasn't fair. From that point forward, he wouldn't even bring one present in the house for me, until Christmas Eve night. He would buy presents, take them to his mom's house and wrap them there. He always wrapped my presents in beautiful paper and handmade perfect bows. He could out wrap me anyday. His presentation was beautiful. For such a big, strong guy, he sure could wrap!
Our Christmas's were always so special between us. We enjoyed giving to everyone and he always got me something special and put his heart and great thought into it.
Wayne, on the other hand was a pain. He would always guess what I got him as his "Big gift" and was right, more times than not. Two years ago, he lost his wedding band while gutting a deer in New York State. He was very upset about that and hated not having his wedding band on. I had purchased him a new one and alot of other gifts. I gave him all his other presents and waited awhile, then gave him his new ring. He had written down a new ring and put the piece of paper away. He was always like that and it annoyed people.I did get him good awhile back. I purchased and had a enclosed landscape trailer custom built for him. He was at my house and we were doing presents. Then I had someone drive it there and park it outside after he was inside. I made a puzzle and made him follow clues all over the house and finally led him outside and he was very surprised. For once, I got him!
I will miss our Christmas traditions and we always had a Christmas party at our house for our whole family. I wasn't going to do it this year, but decided today, that he would want me to continue and he would do the same if I was gone. I am so thankful that at least we had one family Christmas together with Ryan. Ryan is why I am going thru the emotional hardship of decorating for Christmas and trying to have a nice holiday season. He is so sweet and innocent and deserves to have and make happy memories.I miss Wayne so very much. I feel him around me, I know he's here. I just want to have one more day with him. There is so much I don't know, so much he could teach me, but as we accomplish the tasks at hand, I look back and smile and say to myself, He did teach me and I paid attention. I felt a sense of pride, after we got the outside decorated. It looks beautiful.
As we decorated our tree last night, I was not into it at all. We always put our tree up Thanksgiving weekend, watched movies and decorated the house. I have no other decorations out yet. I have more Christmas stuff than I have room for!!! This is going to be a hard month for me. The holidays are supposed to be spent and enjoyed with the ones you love and the love of my life is no longer here with me. I know I have Ryan here and I am thankful, but the love I have for our son and the love I have for my husband are so completely different. It's lonely and sad not having the love of your life by your side, to share with and make memories with.
Thanks for bearing with me, I'm sure there will be many more unhappy thoughts for me this month. Be thankful for the husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend that is by your side. Even if you sometimes disagree or whatever, be thankful, because life could change in an instant. Be sure that the ones you love know it, everyday. I am blessed with the fact that I knew how much Wayne loved me and that he knew how much I loved him.
That knowledge will last me a lifetime with a smile in my heart.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Please come home...
Dear Wayne,I can't even find the right words to write to you. It has been 5 months today since you left and I miss you more than anything or anyone I've ever missed before. You are my best friend in the whole world and I am so lost and lonely without you here. I still haven't taken a day to break down and cry since you've gone. I wake up each morning and try my best to be strong and pretend your'll be coming home soon.We had so many plans and so many things to do. We had plans for tomorrow and our future. It is still so unbelieveable that you left as suddenly as you did. No-one saw your departure coming.You are my strong, loving and gentle husband. You make me feel safe and secure with your confident smile and inviting eyes. Your strong hand on the small of my back makes me feel like a Princess and so safe and loved. We could always finish each others sentence or know what the other was thinking before we said it. I know I could be a PITA, but I'm your PITA and I know you enjoyed it.I have so much to tell you since you've been gone. I know you see the pain I've been going through, so I won't go into detail. I am trying my best to continue on as you would and do the things you do. I've learned to cut the grass and pretty well I must say. I have cut down trees, drained the pool, refilled the pool, fixed the toilet, cleaned out the fireplace, hung sheetrock and laid down sod in the back yard by the garage window. I am also trying to be the best mom I can be to Ryan. It is very difficult being alone without a partner now. Sometimes Ryan gets into a tantrum and I wish you were here to help out with them. I need to walk away sometimes and I can't.Ryan has learned so much since you left. He is walking now and climbing on everything. He has the biggest smile and laughs outloud at things that he thinks are funny and that I don't. He is starting to talk and has a good vocabulary. I use to be able to pretend I was crying and he would come running and hug me. Now, he does it to me. He likes to imitate whatever someone does. He has to close the door whenever I let the dogs out or he gets mad. He has made a home of one of the cabinets in the kitchen. He takes out the tupperware and climbs in, closes the door and waits for me to ask "Where's Ryan?" Ryan loves car-cars, ball-ball and DEER! He sees a deer out by the pool and goes crazy. He stands in the window and calls them. Ryan also loves to throw everything into the fireplace. Mickey will take him out to his car and he sits there and blows the horn and laughs. Ryan is growing up so fast and it kills me more than anyone could ever know, that you aren't here to see and enjoy it. I have seen him give glances back at me and I swear they are yours. I also say his stubborness is yours too. Oh yeah, when I need to do something in the kitchen, Ryan loves to play in the fridge, so I just let him go at it. He's not too into toys, it's everything else he's not supposed to have that he loves.I try so hard to be the best parent I can be for Ryan. I so wish I was gone instead of you. I know you could teach Ryan more than I ever can. You know alot more things related to a boy and becoming a man than I do. I will do everything I can to teach Ryan about you and how much you love him. How you couldn't stand to be away from us.Wayne, I feel so empty inside without you. My heart hurts so bad and I can't make the pain go away. I would give anything in the world, including my own life, to have 1 more day with you. Losing your best friend is the biggest pain I think anyone can go through. I know you would be further along than I am, if the rolls were reversed. You would be back to work and living life. I can't stop living in the past. Everywhere I go, I think of you and think "Oh, we were here" or "we did this". Everytime I go around the circle, I think of getting pulled over with the roadblock and you pulled up on your way to work, shook your head, laughed and drove off... leaving me there with all those cops.Tonight is the 1st night I am up, sitting in the kitchen alone and everyone else is in bed. I haven't sat out here once since you left, alone. I also took Ryan to Tiff's today and Dana watched him for 2 1/2 hours. The first time I have left him to go and do errands. I had to go buy a new dryer today and they scammed me at Home Depot for a cord and lint thingy. I had to pay $20.00 extra!!! If you were here, I wouldn't have had to buy it because you could hook it up. God Wayne, I ache so much. I hate being alone and not having you here to laugh with and cuddle with. I even wouldn't have minded all your yelling while the Yankees blew it in the playoffs. They played like crap and got spanked. I learned how to blow the leaves out of the yard with the mower yesterday and it sucks. I don't know how you did all that work out there and I never heard you complain AND you did all your customers yards too.Well my sweet love, my eyes and fingers are tired and Ryan will still get up early in the morning. I pray every night for you to come and take me on a date in my dreams. I have seen you a few times, but you never talk to me. Please know that your visits mean so very much to me. As each day ends, I know that it gets me one more day closer to being with you again. When it is my time to go, I pray you will be the 1st person I see and we will be able to spend eternity together.One life, One love..... Until we meet again.Please come home soon.......I love you, always and forever!!! Kim
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