Laugh, call me crazy, but I have to believe Wayne had a hand in it.
I have been debating for months now, if I should buy a new laptop. Wayne and I had discussed it prior to his passing and he said I could get this one computer I have been drooling over. I never ordered it.
I asked Wayne this morning, if it was okay with him if I went and got a new laptop. It wasn't the one I really wanted, but it would do the trick. I was a less expensive computer. I asked him, "If it is okay with you that I go buy a laptop today, have my mom call me by 10:30am". It was like 10:10am and 10:30am came and went with no phone call.
I had some errands to do and on my way home, I thought, I'm going to just run up to Best Buy and "look" at what they have available. When we went into the store and rounded the corner to the computer department, there was not one laptop in the whole store. Not one on display, not one in the back, not one to be sold in the whole store.
I could not believe my eyes or my luck. I have to believe that this was Wayne's way of telling me "Told you No, don't ya' listen?" Either he really didn't want me to get a laptop today or doesn't want me to get something less than what I really wanted. Still waiting for a sign from in with the "reason".
But honestly, what are the odds of walking into a store known for selling computers and there was not one available? Seriously and honestly... There wasn't even a stinkin' picture of a laptop to be found. I took that as my sign and went home.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
On Oprah
Well, I'm watchng Oprah and kind of disagree with her today, or the people who are on the show. She is saying that you can't expect your partner, to complete you. I disagree.
Maybe Wayne and I were just lucky. He truly did complete me, the parts that were not whole, became whole, with him in my life. I have to believe the same with me to him.
Our marriage was very special. When I look around at others I know or watch shows, I am surprised. Wayne and I were best friends. From the moment we met until the day he died, we enjoyed each other so much.
In 15 years, we were still teaching each other things and learning about and with each other. Not one day went by, that I would rather do something else, than be with Wayne. We stayed up late, having fun, talking, remembering our beginning, enjoying our present and we made each other whole.
I know we both were not Saints, but we had a wonderful, special and unique relationship. Despite our age difference, we were two peas in a pod. We were addicted to each other. We had so much fun together, even if we were doing nothing.We both had our flaws and worked on them together or accepted each other for who we were.
Wayne was my strength. He was my sunshine, my moon light and everything in between.
If he was changing the blades on his mower, I would sit outside and chat with him. If he was cutting the grass, I would sit on the porch and watch and give an occasional "flash" as he came near. If he was stacking firewood on the porch, I would help. If he was cleaning the garage, I'd have him put the ready heater on and warm it up and go out and keep him company. And as for as many things that I can think of, being with him while he had things to do, he loved me in the same way back.
We had to most special relationship possible. I know I will never have that again. A great love only happens once in a lifetime. I am thankful for the fond and amazing memories I have in my heart and mind. Wayne touched my soul and became part of who I was. Thank you.
He loved and accepted my being anal, my "10 more mintues" in the morning, my "Honey, can you do this", my "I have an idea" and any other crazy thing that came out of my mouth. He could care less if I put makeup on each day, fixed my hair or made sure the laundry was done. There was always tomorrow..... So we thought!
I know it is because of the strong love we shared and the strength Wayne gave me, that keeps me going each day. Keep going for our son. He would be so mad at me if I just gave up and wasn't the best parent I could be to Ryan.
The void in my heart will never mend, but I have to hope that I will find the right mix of not having to let go of the past, but be able to embrace the future. That I will find the "who I am now" and be happy with that and be able to give Ryan and I, the best life possible.
Maybe Wayne and I were just lucky. He truly did complete me, the parts that were not whole, became whole, with him in my life. I have to believe the same with me to him.
Our marriage was very special. When I look around at others I know or watch shows, I am surprised. Wayne and I were best friends. From the moment we met until the day he died, we enjoyed each other so much.
In 15 years, we were still teaching each other things and learning about and with each other. Not one day went by, that I would rather do something else, than be with Wayne. We stayed up late, having fun, talking, remembering our beginning, enjoying our present and we made each other whole.
I know we both were not Saints, but we had a wonderful, special and unique relationship. Despite our age difference, we were two peas in a pod. We were addicted to each other. We had so much fun together, even if we were doing nothing.We both had our flaws and worked on them together or accepted each other for who we were.
Wayne was my strength. He was my sunshine, my moon light and everything in between.
If he was changing the blades on his mower, I would sit outside and chat with him. If he was cutting the grass, I would sit on the porch and watch and give an occasional "flash" as he came near. If he was stacking firewood on the porch, I would help. If he was cleaning the garage, I'd have him put the ready heater on and warm it up and go out and keep him company. And as for as many things that I can think of, being with him while he had things to do, he loved me in the same way back.
We had to most special relationship possible. I know I will never have that again. A great love only happens once in a lifetime. I am thankful for the fond and amazing memories I have in my heart and mind. Wayne touched my soul and became part of who I was. Thank you.
He loved and accepted my being anal, my "10 more mintues" in the morning, my "Honey, can you do this", my "I have an idea" and any other crazy thing that came out of my mouth. He could care less if I put makeup on each day, fixed my hair or made sure the laundry was done. There was always tomorrow..... So we thought!
I know it is because of the strong love we shared and the strength Wayne gave me, that keeps me going each day. Keep going for our son. He would be so mad at me if I just gave up and wasn't the best parent I could be to Ryan.
The void in my heart will never mend, but I have to hope that I will find the right mix of not having to let go of the past, but be able to embrace the future. That I will find the "who I am now" and be happy with that and be able to give Ryan and I, the best life possible.
Grief turning to anger
I find that the grief I have, is turning into anger. Don't get me wrong, I still miss Wayne with all of my heart, but I am down right ticked off with what has happened. I am angry that God took a man, who was happy, away from his family. An honest, hardworking man, who always did the right thing. I am angry because the plans we had will never happen now.
I am not happy with my "new" life. It is boring and I am just living day to day. The "old" me is gone forever and I just want our old life back. I want to wake up and be happy, not have this big chunk of my heart missing. I want to wake up and not worry about what new challanges I will have to face alone. Wayne was my rock, he was always there for me. I could always depend on him. Sometimes he looked out for me better than I did for myself.
It has been a long, hard last 8 months. I wish everyday, that this was just a bad nightmare or some type of reality show. I still can't comprehend everything that has happened. I still can't believe that he is gone. I carry on each day, waiting for him to come home. Waiting for this to be over and go back to normal.
I am angry, that he is not here to see Ryan grow, laugh, run, hop "prance", laugh out loud, yell at the dogs, watch the deer, yell "shut the door", ride his quad.... I'm pissed off. It's just not fair. He was so in love with his little boy and his other children and family. He was such a hard working person, too hard at times. Why did God take him, why now? Why leave me here alone with our baby. Our child needs his daddy.
I recently had Ryan stand at the foot of the bed before nite nite and he put his hands together and says "nite, nite Daddy... Love you" THAT KILLS ME!!!!!
I am filled with memories of our life together daily and I don't want to go forward. My past, our past, was the best part of my life. I feel like I have missed out on Ryan's last 8 months of life. In May, I would hold him and he'd fall asleep, now he's a big boy and doesn't need mom's help with that. In that respect, I've blinked and Ryan is getting bigger, each time I open my eyes.
I don't know when or if I'm going to feel better. I can't see that I will. I can just make the pain of losing Wayne go away. I don't want to let anyone new in my life. I know I should be making new friends and doing things, but I don't want to. I'm sure people are tired of hearing me talk about what happened, but how can I stop? It consumes me daily. I am reminded that I am alone, daily. I am reminded daily, that Wayne is never coming back for us. He'll never be there again for me to talk to, laugh with, ask questions, ask for help and most important, to love and have fun with.
So, when I put this all together, I'm one ticked off person. I am in a place I never imagined myself in at this point of my life. I am tired of "being" strong and keeping a brave face on all the time. My life sucks right now and you can't imagine how much my heart aches, unless you are in my shoes. The void I have, not having my best friend by my side daily is in my face reality. I would do anything to bring Wayne back. I would give anything for just one more day. One day to have closure, one day to say goodbye.
His passing was the most unexpected event that I could have ever imagined in my life. I often wonder, how Wayne would be dealing with this, if the roles were reversed. I think he would be in a better place than I am. He always had things to do and would keep himself busy. I know he would miss me, but I have to believe he would find a way to be happy again. I'll never know.
Anyway, I'm sure this blog doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I have a million thoughts going thru my head right now and am just writing as I think it.Well, I guess that's about all I have for tonight.
Thank you for reading.....
I am not happy with my "new" life. It is boring and I am just living day to day. The "old" me is gone forever and I just want our old life back. I want to wake up and be happy, not have this big chunk of my heart missing. I want to wake up and not worry about what new challanges I will have to face alone. Wayne was my rock, he was always there for me. I could always depend on him. Sometimes he looked out for me better than I did for myself.
It has been a long, hard last 8 months. I wish everyday, that this was just a bad nightmare or some type of reality show. I still can't comprehend everything that has happened. I still can't believe that he is gone. I carry on each day, waiting for him to come home. Waiting for this to be over and go back to normal.
I am angry, that he is not here to see Ryan grow, laugh, run, hop "prance", laugh out loud, yell at the dogs, watch the deer, yell "shut the door", ride his quad.... I'm pissed off. It's just not fair. He was so in love with his little boy and his other children and family. He was such a hard working person, too hard at times. Why did God take him, why now? Why leave me here alone with our baby. Our child needs his daddy.
I recently had Ryan stand at the foot of the bed before nite nite and he put his hands together and says "nite, nite Daddy... Love you" THAT KILLS ME!!!!!
I am filled with memories of our life together daily and I don't want to go forward. My past, our past, was the best part of my life. I feel like I have missed out on Ryan's last 8 months of life. In May, I would hold him and he'd fall asleep, now he's a big boy and doesn't need mom's help with that. In that respect, I've blinked and Ryan is getting bigger, each time I open my eyes.
I don't know when or if I'm going to feel better. I can't see that I will. I can just make the pain of losing Wayne go away. I don't want to let anyone new in my life. I know I should be making new friends and doing things, but I don't want to. I'm sure people are tired of hearing me talk about what happened, but how can I stop? It consumes me daily. I am reminded that I am alone, daily. I am reminded daily, that Wayne is never coming back for us. He'll never be there again for me to talk to, laugh with, ask questions, ask for help and most important, to love and have fun with.
So, when I put this all together, I'm one ticked off person. I am in a place I never imagined myself in at this point of my life. I am tired of "being" strong and keeping a brave face on all the time. My life sucks right now and you can't imagine how much my heart aches, unless you are in my shoes. The void I have, not having my best friend by my side daily is in my face reality. I would do anything to bring Wayne back. I would give anything for just one more day. One day to have closure, one day to say goodbye.
His passing was the most unexpected event that I could have ever imagined in my life. I often wonder, how Wayne would be dealing with this, if the roles were reversed. I think he would be in a better place than I am. He always had things to do and would keep himself busy. I know he would miss me, but I have to believe he would find a way to be happy again. I'll never know.
Anyway, I'm sure this blog doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I have a million thoughts going thru my head right now and am just writing as I think it.Well, I guess that's about all I have for tonight.
Thank you for reading.....
Sunday, December 31, 2006
A sign from above
A sign from above
I know Wayne was around me the other day. I am at my Mom's and I always bring a picture of Wayne to set on the night table. Well, the other day, I was changing Ryan on my mom's bed and when I went to get something off the night table, there was a little tab, one that was in my Mom's old phone (which was mine years ago) and it said Wayne on it. I commented and said, "Where did this come from, the phone?" We both said, yeah, it is, but she put that phone away a few months ago and has had her cleaning lady here mulitple times since. Why would it still be on the table, after it's been cleaned?
It was just a little something, to let me know he is here with us. It made me feel great inside. Wayne always finds away to let me know he's around. Love never dies. He has made me believe.
I know Wayne was around me the other day. I am at my Mom's and I always bring a picture of Wayne to set on the night table. Well, the other day, I was changing Ryan on my mom's bed and when I went to get something off the night table, there was a little tab, one that was in my Mom's old phone (which was mine years ago) and it said Wayne on it. I commented and said, "Where did this come from, the phone?" We both said, yeah, it is, but she put that phone away a few months ago and has had her cleaning lady here mulitple times since. Why would it still be on the table, after it's been cleaned?
It was just a little something, to let me know he is here with us. It made me feel great inside. Wayne always finds away to let me know he's around. Love never dies. He has made me believe.
New Year's Resolutions
Okay, I'll start early. I hope this new year starts better than last.
On New Year's Eve last year, I said "I don't think I feel well" Well, within an hour I was icky sick. Mickey came home sick, my neice got it and her friend was over and she got it. Ugh, Wayne made sure to steer clear of us! But, he had to come to bed sometime that night and well, He woke up with it the next day and so did my nephew! All I have right now is a cold, so I'm doing better.
I have many things I want to acheive in 2007:
1. To quit somking. For myself and my son. He is all I have left and I can't be selfish. I'll find something to reward myself with.
2. To make the right decisions for my family. To think long and hard about their and my future. (I do that now anyway)
3. To try and make a new life for Ryan and I. To try to be who I use to be, but with obviously, modifications.
4. To make new friends and be sure to take care of the old ones too.
5. To try and be happy.
I think that's a pretty stiff list. I will take each day as it comes and try to learn I can't live in the past. My life is on a new course now and I know Wayne is watching over to see that I make the right choices. The hardest job of all, and most rewarding, is to raise Ryan, to be a great man like his father. If I succeed at that, I don't think I could be more proud.
Hope everyone has a great New Year.
On New Year's Eve last year, I said "I don't think I feel well" Well, within an hour I was icky sick. Mickey came home sick, my neice got it and her friend was over and she got it. Ugh, Wayne made sure to steer clear of us! But, he had to come to bed sometime that night and well, He woke up with it the next day and so did my nephew! All I have right now is a cold, so I'm doing better.
I have many things I want to acheive in 2007:
1. To quit somking. For myself and my son. He is all I have left and I can't be selfish. I'll find something to reward myself with.
2. To make the right decisions for my family. To think long and hard about their and my future. (I do that now anyway)
3. To try and make a new life for Ryan and I. To try to be who I use to be, but with obviously, modifications.
4. To make new friends and be sure to take care of the old ones too.
5. To try and be happy.
I think that's a pretty stiff list. I will take each day as it comes and try to learn I can't live in the past. My life is on a new course now and I know Wayne is watching over to see that I make the right choices. The hardest job of all, and most rewarding, is to raise Ryan, to be a great man like his father. If I succeed at that, I don't think I could be more proud.
Hope everyone has a great New Year.
Feeling Indifferent
Well, today has been pretty uneventful. Slept in a bit with Ryan and then we went shopping. Was treated to a nice pair of A&F jeans, Thank you Mom-Mom for the Christmas gift card! As a mom with bills to pay, I don't splurge for $80.00 jeans often. I would rather buy things for Ryan, but since it was a Christmas card to me, I treated me! Wanted to buy a pair of black and pink Etnie sneakers, but couldn't justify spending $65.00 on sneakers, since I get them dirty and then don't like them anymore.
Last year for Christmas, Wayne bought me two pairs of sneakers, because he knows my fetish with them and was covering the bases. I actually, have only worn one pair so far and the others are still in a box! I have to have clean sneakers.
Touched base with a friend tonight and it was nice to talk with her. She has had some medical issues and has not been herself for the last year. Thankfully, they found out the cause and she will be having surgery next month and hopefully, she will be able to resume her life. It was sweet, we discussed our boys playing together, as their daddy's were great friends! I think that is sweet.
Not too much more to write about tonight. Had a relaxing day here in NC (on vacation) and just laying low. (as I always do)The weather is nice and I am getting over my cold, except for the stupid annoying cough that won't go away.
Oh yeah, when we at the mall, my mom saw a cop and asked him to come say Hi to Ryan. He loves to watch Cops on T.V, but actually got shy and put his head into his stroller. Maybe he loves cops because Daddy was a cop. (The most handsome and sexiest cop I have ever laid eyes on) I have a picture of Wayne in uniform on his last day of work on my nightstand and the other day, Ryan woke up and said "Cop, Cop" and I said that's right honey, that's your Daddy!!!! I'm thinking Ryan might follow in his daddy's footsteps. That's fine with me. His daddy was a great cop. He just can't be a cop in a major city or high crime rate area!!!!!
Hope everyone has a nice night. Time to go have dinner.
Last year for Christmas, Wayne bought me two pairs of sneakers, because he knows my fetish with them and was covering the bases. I actually, have only worn one pair so far and the others are still in a box! I have to have clean sneakers.
Touched base with a friend tonight and it was nice to talk with her. She has had some medical issues and has not been herself for the last year. Thankfully, they found out the cause and she will be having surgery next month and hopefully, she will be able to resume her life. It was sweet, we discussed our boys playing together, as their daddy's were great friends! I think that is sweet.
Not too much more to write about tonight. Had a relaxing day here in NC (on vacation) and just laying low. (as I always do)The weather is nice and I am getting over my cold, except for the stupid annoying cough that won't go away.
Oh yeah, when we at the mall, my mom saw a cop and asked him to come say Hi to Ryan. He loves to watch Cops on T.V, but actually got shy and put his head into his stroller. Maybe he loves cops because Daddy was a cop. (The most handsome and sexiest cop I have ever laid eyes on) I have a picture of Wayne in uniform on his last day of work on my nightstand and the other day, Ryan woke up and said "Cop, Cop" and I said that's right honey, that's your Daddy!!!! I'm thinking Ryan might follow in his daddy's footsteps. That's fine with me. His daddy was a great cop. He just can't be a cop in a major city or high crime rate area!!!!!
Hope everyone has a nice night. Time to go have dinner.
Christmas
So, I woke up on Christmas Eve and was doing fine. As it got later in the day and I had to start to get ready for all the upcoming events, I jumped in the shower and started to cry. This was the first time in 15 years, that my plans were alter. I always had a plan and it always included Wayne. It hit me hard, because for some reason, I had built it up in my mind that he would be home for Christmas. It was a cold dose of reality, that I was alone and he wasn't going to be there.
Ryan and I went to my Grandfathers and spent some time there with family. On our way, we went to the cemetery and laid roses down for Wayne. Ryan looked so handsome, his little smile just melted my heart. Seeing how big he has grown in the last year was amazing and sad at the same time. Amazing, because he is our son and sad, because Wayne is not here to see how big he is growing and experiencing how funny and wonderful he is.
I tried for hours to take a picture of him all dressed up and he wanted no part of it. He was too excited being in a new place and exploring, as all little boys do. A man came over to my Grandfather's and Ryan took to him right away. He stood there and smiled and let him take pictures of him. He wanted "Up, Up" and while it was cute, it killed me inside. Ryan often likes guys and I have to wonder if he is looking for his daddy. Unless you are in my shoes, you can't imagine how difficult that is to deal with.
We left and went to my Mother-in-laws. I had hoped I would have missed the start of dinner, but I didn't. The reason I wanted to miss the beginning was that I wasn't sure if I would be able to deal with Wayne's daughter saying Grace. I knew she was dreading saying it for days. It hit her hard and everyone ended up in tears. This was the first time in 58 years, Wayne was not at his mother's table for Christmas Eve dinner and the first time any of his children weren't with their father.
I know I talk about me and my loss all the time, but believe me, I am very aware of the wonderful man that we all lost. She started to cry and left the table. I went after her and while I was dying myself inside, I managed to try to cheer her up and re-enforce to her that Wayne wouldn't and doesn't want us to cry and that he wants us to continue on and have a wonderful holiday. (I don't know how much I believed my own advice, but I had to try to be strong for her)
We left and went back to our house and did adult presents, because we all had so much to do on Christmas. It was different and I made it thru. I love handing out presents and then I found myself there with a pile to open myself. I received wonderful and thoughtful gifts from everyone.
My neice and nephew got me a necklace with diamond chips, representing themselves and Ryan and beautiful matching earrings. My mother got me a circle of life necklace and everyone got me a necklace of a heart with a missing piece. It is the reunion necklace, for one day that I meet up with Wayne again. Well, that particular necklace made me burst out crying. The fun and laughter that usually filled our family room on Christmas Eve was muted and different.
Another difficult part was when Mickey's boyfriend opend a Christmas present from Wayne. He had started shopping earlier in the year for him and we remembered where the presents were. I think he was touched, but being the strong guy he is, he kept it inside. He liked Wayne alot! I had also found a card Wayne got for Mickey last Christmas for Ryan to give to her and we had forgotten about it and it never got signed, so when I found it, I helped Ryan sign it and told Mickey that her dad bought the card. Just the little things he left behind, touched us all on Christmas Eve.
I started to clean up from the massive amounts of wrapping paper in the living room and when I was alone, I found myself crying, but wiped my tears and told myself that I can go on!On Christmas morning, it was sad waking up without Wayne there, but I had Ryan and my neice and nephew.
We got up and went out and saw all the presents Santa had left and were so surprised! I made the mistake of giving Ryan a 20 pack of Match box cars first. He wanted nothing to do with any other presents!!!!
Again, all the excitement was over and again, I was cleaning up paper and this time, reallllllllly lost it. My neice came in and I felt so bad, but I just hugged her so hard and long and cried. I find myself crying often, but with no-one to hold me. She just let me cry and get it out. I missed Wayne so much and the pain was difficult to deal with. Like I wrote earlier, I for some reason, thought he'd be home for Christmas and he wasn't. Have you ever worked really hard to accomplish something and think, "Oh, when I'm done with this, this will happen?" Well, it hit me that I made it thru, but what I wanted, I will never have again and that I will have to do Christmas alone, for the rest of my life. Mind you I wasn't Alone, but Alone and without Wayne.
We went to my Mother-in-laws and did presents there. She and I had a minute before everyone else arrived and again, I started to cry. I dreaded driving to her house, again, knowing that this was the first year without her baby. Luckily, family started to show up, so we wiped our tears and did presents.
By this time, Ryan and I were pooped and went home and took a nap. We got up and got ready and went to my brother and sister-in-laws house for dinner. On our way, we went to the cemetery and I put down toll house cookies for Wayne and his father. (Wayne loved the cookies at Christmas)
Going to my brothers was different for me, as we had started doing Christmas dinner at our house, but we were invited and I didn't think I would be able to do dinner this year. All the other emotions I was dealing with was enough, not to add having to entertain on Christmas night. We had a nice time and I think we were all tired when we got home.
I called my mother-in-law to see how the rest of her day was. I felt bad, because atleast I had my mom, neice, nephew and Ryan at home with me, but I knew she was alone and we all experience the build up of Christmas and then it's over. We had a nice talk for about an hour on the phone and said we were both tired and hung up and went and got in bed with Ryan.
Last night, we all drove down to my mom's in N.C and I'm winding down from Christmas and the long drive. We did make it thru. There were a few bumps in the road and all of our hearts were heavy, but we made it! That is the most important part. I will always remember the past, but have to make new happy memories too and even though Wayne is not "physically" here, I know he is here with us in spirit and watching over us. There is nothing in the world that would keep him away from his family.
Wayne gave me the most amazing gifts in life. The amount of love Wayne gave me was like Christmas all year long and our greatest gift to each other was our son Ryan. I will continue to be thankful for the time I did have with Wayne and the wonderful task of raising our son, for the rest of my life.I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and you all have a happy New Year!
Kim
Ryan and I went to my Grandfathers and spent some time there with family. On our way, we went to the cemetery and laid roses down for Wayne. Ryan looked so handsome, his little smile just melted my heart. Seeing how big he has grown in the last year was amazing and sad at the same time. Amazing, because he is our son and sad, because Wayne is not here to see how big he is growing and experiencing how funny and wonderful he is.
I tried for hours to take a picture of him all dressed up and he wanted no part of it. He was too excited being in a new place and exploring, as all little boys do. A man came over to my Grandfather's and Ryan took to him right away. He stood there and smiled and let him take pictures of him. He wanted "Up, Up" and while it was cute, it killed me inside. Ryan often likes guys and I have to wonder if he is looking for his daddy. Unless you are in my shoes, you can't imagine how difficult that is to deal with.
We left and went to my Mother-in-laws. I had hoped I would have missed the start of dinner, but I didn't. The reason I wanted to miss the beginning was that I wasn't sure if I would be able to deal with Wayne's daughter saying Grace. I knew she was dreading saying it for days. It hit her hard and everyone ended up in tears. This was the first time in 58 years, Wayne was not at his mother's table for Christmas Eve dinner and the first time any of his children weren't with their father.
I know I talk about me and my loss all the time, but believe me, I am very aware of the wonderful man that we all lost. She started to cry and left the table. I went after her and while I was dying myself inside, I managed to try to cheer her up and re-enforce to her that Wayne wouldn't and doesn't want us to cry and that he wants us to continue on and have a wonderful holiday. (I don't know how much I believed my own advice, but I had to try to be strong for her)
We left and went back to our house and did adult presents, because we all had so much to do on Christmas. It was different and I made it thru. I love handing out presents and then I found myself there with a pile to open myself. I received wonderful and thoughtful gifts from everyone.
My neice and nephew got me a necklace with diamond chips, representing themselves and Ryan and beautiful matching earrings. My mother got me a circle of life necklace and everyone got me a necklace of a heart with a missing piece. It is the reunion necklace, for one day that I meet up with Wayne again. Well, that particular necklace made me burst out crying. The fun and laughter that usually filled our family room on Christmas Eve was muted and different.
Another difficult part was when Mickey's boyfriend opend a Christmas present from Wayne. He had started shopping earlier in the year for him and we remembered where the presents were. I think he was touched, but being the strong guy he is, he kept it inside. He liked Wayne alot! I had also found a card Wayne got for Mickey last Christmas for Ryan to give to her and we had forgotten about it and it never got signed, so when I found it, I helped Ryan sign it and told Mickey that her dad bought the card. Just the little things he left behind, touched us all on Christmas Eve.
I started to clean up from the massive amounts of wrapping paper in the living room and when I was alone, I found myself crying, but wiped my tears and told myself that I can go on!On Christmas morning, it was sad waking up without Wayne there, but I had Ryan and my neice and nephew.
We got up and went out and saw all the presents Santa had left and were so surprised! I made the mistake of giving Ryan a 20 pack of Match box cars first. He wanted nothing to do with any other presents!!!!
Again, all the excitement was over and again, I was cleaning up paper and this time, reallllllllly lost it. My neice came in and I felt so bad, but I just hugged her so hard and long and cried. I find myself crying often, but with no-one to hold me. She just let me cry and get it out. I missed Wayne so much and the pain was difficult to deal with. Like I wrote earlier, I for some reason, thought he'd be home for Christmas and he wasn't. Have you ever worked really hard to accomplish something and think, "Oh, when I'm done with this, this will happen?" Well, it hit me that I made it thru, but what I wanted, I will never have again and that I will have to do Christmas alone, for the rest of my life. Mind you I wasn't Alone, but Alone and without Wayne.
We went to my Mother-in-laws and did presents there. She and I had a minute before everyone else arrived and again, I started to cry. I dreaded driving to her house, again, knowing that this was the first year without her baby. Luckily, family started to show up, so we wiped our tears and did presents.
By this time, Ryan and I were pooped and went home and took a nap. We got up and got ready and went to my brother and sister-in-laws house for dinner. On our way, we went to the cemetery and I put down toll house cookies for Wayne and his father. (Wayne loved the cookies at Christmas)
Going to my brothers was different for me, as we had started doing Christmas dinner at our house, but we were invited and I didn't think I would be able to do dinner this year. All the other emotions I was dealing with was enough, not to add having to entertain on Christmas night. We had a nice time and I think we were all tired when we got home.
I called my mother-in-law to see how the rest of her day was. I felt bad, because atleast I had my mom, neice, nephew and Ryan at home with me, but I knew she was alone and we all experience the build up of Christmas and then it's over. We had a nice talk for about an hour on the phone and said we were both tired and hung up and went and got in bed with Ryan.
Last night, we all drove down to my mom's in N.C and I'm winding down from Christmas and the long drive. We did make it thru. There were a few bumps in the road and all of our hearts were heavy, but we made it! That is the most important part. I will always remember the past, but have to make new happy memories too and even though Wayne is not "physically" here, I know he is here with us in spirit and watching over us. There is nothing in the world that would keep him away from his family.
Wayne gave me the most amazing gifts in life. The amount of love Wayne gave me was like Christmas all year long and our greatest gift to each other was our son Ryan. I will continue to be thankful for the time I did have with Wayne and the wonderful task of raising our son, for the rest of my life.I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and you all have a happy New Year!
Kim
Grief List
Grief List
1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one's name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.
2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me, the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you, crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
3. I wish you wouldn't let my loved one die again by removing from your home their artwork, pictures or any other rememberances.
4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counselling.
5. Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.
6. I wish you knew all the crazy reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.
7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be 'cured' or a 'formerly bereaved,' but forever be 'recovering' from my bereavement.
8. I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.
9. Our loved one's birthday, the anniversary of their death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.
10. I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party, this is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have hurt before and I can heal.
11. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to 'my old self' you will stay frustrated, I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me, maybe you will still like me.
Author Unknown
DO NOT CRY FOR MY ABSENCE,
FEEL CLOSE AND STILL TALK TO ME.
I WILL LOVE YOU FROM HEAVEN AS I HAVE LOVED YOU ON EARTH.
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me...
When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not here to see...
If the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me, I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today...
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say. I know how much you love me, as much as I love you...
And each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me, too.
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand...
That Jesus came and called my name and took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready in heaven far above...
And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart...
For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.
1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one's name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.
2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me, the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you, crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
3. I wish you wouldn't let my loved one die again by removing from your home their artwork, pictures or any other rememberances.
4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counselling.
5. Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.
6. I wish you knew all the crazy reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.
7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be 'cured' or a 'formerly bereaved,' but forever be 'recovering' from my bereavement.
8. I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.
9. Our loved one's birthday, the anniversary of their death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.
10. I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party, this is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have hurt before and I can heal.
11. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to 'my old self' you will stay frustrated, I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me, maybe you will still like me.
Author Unknown
DO NOT CRY FOR MY ABSENCE,
FEEL CLOSE AND STILL TALK TO ME.
I WILL LOVE YOU FROM HEAVEN AS I HAVE LOVED YOU ON EARTH.
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me...
When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not here to see...
If the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me, I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today...
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say. I know how much you love me, as much as I love you...
And each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me, too.
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand...
That Jesus came and called my name and took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready in heaven far above...
And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart...
For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.
Annual Christmas Party
Annual Christmas Party
Well, we had our Annual Christmas party on Saturday. I was struggling for a long time, trying to decide if we should have it and how I was going to feel. This was a family tradition we started some years ago, to bring all our family and friends together and have a good time. We had our Christmas party and a Summer party.
I decided to go ahead and proceed as usual. I know that if the roles were reversed, Wayne would have had the party. He loved having family gatherings.(I do too, but he was into it more). I want to continue what Wayne and I started for Ryan to enjoy. After all, he is my main focus in life, he is my drive and my reason.
Almost everyone invited showed up and it was a nice time. I was feeling very sad and had a heavy heart as I was getting myself and Ryan ready. Wayne was always the last one showered and usually just finished getting dressed as the first guests arrived. This too, was a tradition. I was sad, waiting for him, knowing he wasn't going to be jumping out of the shower and asking me what I picked out for him to wear.
Luckily, I was able to keep busy, with so many people here. The time just flew by and before I knew it, the night was over. Everyone left and we started to clean up. I felt guilty, that I had been so busy during the party, that I didn't think about Wayne much. That kills me inside, because I never want to forget Wayne. It was difficult, glancing from room to room and not seeing his big smile looking back at me. No matter where we were, we'd always spy each other and the love in his eyes, would shoot across the room and into my heart. The love he showed my from his eyes and smile were just as powerful as a long, passionate kiss from him.
On Sunday, my brother came over and was fixing my garage door. At one point, the kids were in the way and I said, "Watch out, let Uncle Wayne get thru". I think that is the first slip of tounge that I have had.
I know this is real and that Wayne is not coming back, but somewhere inside, I think he is. I keep thinking, okay, he'll show up on Christmas Day and this will all have been some really bad reality show or something. That I will be VERY MAD that he did this to me, to us, but I would fall to my knees in happiness, just to have him back again.
Wayne was a big strong man. He was very active and never sat still. I still can't and don't understand how this happened. Why him, why now? You can not imagine how much I miss him. How lonely I am everyday without him. I know I am doing better and moving a step forward everyday, but I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, that I forget any of the past. I still can't imagine ever being as happy as I once was, agaiin.
I know that Christmas Eve and Christmas will be a struggle for me. This will be the first time in 15 years, that we are not together. I am going to make Christmas be the best I can for Ryan. He is my focus and this year, it is all about him. When I am feeling sad and down, I will give him and extra hug and a big kiss and he will keep me busy.
Thank you for reading and have a good night.Kim
Well, we had our Annual Christmas party on Saturday. I was struggling for a long time, trying to decide if we should have it and how I was going to feel. This was a family tradition we started some years ago, to bring all our family and friends together and have a good time. We had our Christmas party and a Summer party.
I decided to go ahead and proceed as usual. I know that if the roles were reversed, Wayne would have had the party. He loved having family gatherings.(I do too, but he was into it more). I want to continue what Wayne and I started for Ryan to enjoy. After all, he is my main focus in life, he is my drive and my reason.
Almost everyone invited showed up and it was a nice time. I was feeling very sad and had a heavy heart as I was getting myself and Ryan ready. Wayne was always the last one showered and usually just finished getting dressed as the first guests arrived. This too, was a tradition. I was sad, waiting for him, knowing he wasn't going to be jumping out of the shower and asking me what I picked out for him to wear.
Luckily, I was able to keep busy, with so many people here. The time just flew by and before I knew it, the night was over. Everyone left and we started to clean up. I felt guilty, that I had been so busy during the party, that I didn't think about Wayne much. That kills me inside, because I never want to forget Wayne. It was difficult, glancing from room to room and not seeing his big smile looking back at me. No matter where we were, we'd always spy each other and the love in his eyes, would shoot across the room and into my heart. The love he showed my from his eyes and smile were just as powerful as a long, passionate kiss from him.
On Sunday, my brother came over and was fixing my garage door. At one point, the kids were in the way and I said, "Watch out, let Uncle Wayne get thru". I think that is the first slip of tounge that I have had.
I know this is real and that Wayne is not coming back, but somewhere inside, I think he is. I keep thinking, okay, he'll show up on Christmas Day and this will all have been some really bad reality show or something. That I will be VERY MAD that he did this to me, to us, but I would fall to my knees in happiness, just to have him back again.
Wayne was a big strong man. He was very active and never sat still. I still can't and don't understand how this happened. Why him, why now? You can not imagine how much I miss him. How lonely I am everyday without him. I know I am doing better and moving a step forward everyday, but I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, that I forget any of the past. I still can't imagine ever being as happy as I once was, agaiin.
I know that Christmas Eve and Christmas will be a struggle for me. This will be the first time in 15 years, that we are not together. I am going to make Christmas be the best I can for Ryan. He is my focus and this year, it is all about him. When I am feeling sad and down, I will give him and extra hug and a big kiss and he will keep me busy.
Thank you for reading and have a good night.Kim
7 months ago
Wow, I can't believe it is 7 months today, that Wayne passed away. Time just keeps ticking and ticking and I haven't had a moment to really stand still and reflect on what has happened. That could be a good thing or a bad thing. Good, that I keep going and have not laid down and died.
I still miss Wayne every minute of everyday, that hasn't changed. It is getting very difficult with Christmas 2 weeks away. I think that's when I'll see a melt down inside. We so loved Christmas, being with our family and friends and most of all, each other. I don't know any other man, who put as much time and effort into Christmas, as Wayne did. He Loved Christmas very much. He loved to shop for others and just liked to go shopping and walk around and look. Not me, I have to go shopping with a purpose.
Waking up Christmas morning, without him by my side, being the first one to wish me a Merry Christmas and come out to open presents with, it going to hurt alot. I'd give up ever having another Christmas or anything, just to have him back.
....A funny story
....The first Christmas Wayne and I had together, he was working and had taken my gift to the Police Station to wrap it. It was dark out, when he walked out the station door. His police car was parked up against the curb. He had gotten me a stereo system and in was in a pretty big box. Wayne had misjudged how far he was away from the curb and stepped down, his foot got wedged between the curb and tire and lost his balance. He fell backwards onto the sidewalk. I will always remember him telling me, "God, I hope no one drives by" because here was a cop, laying flat on his back on the curb of the Police Station, with a big box on top of his chest.
Writing this now, make me laugh to think about it.It is memories like that, that turn the sadness I started out with writing this, into a moment, where I have a smile on my face. I had 15 amazing years with Wayne. 15 amazing Christmas's and now I have to contiune on having fun with our son Ryan. I know Wayne would do that for him and me, if the roles were reveresed. Anyway, just felt like writing tonight. Thanks for reading, as always.
I still miss Wayne every minute of everyday, that hasn't changed. It is getting very difficult with Christmas 2 weeks away. I think that's when I'll see a melt down inside. We so loved Christmas, being with our family and friends and most of all, each other. I don't know any other man, who put as much time and effort into Christmas, as Wayne did. He Loved Christmas very much. He loved to shop for others and just liked to go shopping and walk around and look. Not me, I have to go shopping with a purpose.
Waking up Christmas morning, without him by my side, being the first one to wish me a Merry Christmas and come out to open presents with, it going to hurt alot. I'd give up ever having another Christmas or anything, just to have him back.
....A funny story
....The first Christmas Wayne and I had together, he was working and had taken my gift to the Police Station to wrap it. It was dark out, when he walked out the station door. His police car was parked up against the curb. He had gotten me a stereo system and in was in a pretty big box. Wayne had misjudged how far he was away from the curb and stepped down, his foot got wedged between the curb and tire and lost his balance. He fell backwards onto the sidewalk. I will always remember him telling me, "God, I hope no one drives by" because here was a cop, laying flat on his back on the curb of the Police Station, with a big box on top of his chest.
Writing this now, make me laugh to think about it.It is memories like that, that turn the sadness I started out with writing this, into a moment, where I have a smile on my face. I had 15 amazing years with Wayne. 15 amazing Christmas's and now I have to contiune on having fun with our son Ryan. I know Wayne would do that for him and me, if the roles were reveresed. Anyway, just felt like writing tonight. Thanks for reading, as always.
An Empty Chair
So, tonight I went to my mother-in-laws with Ryan to see the "guys". Today was the 1st day of Shotgun season here and it is a family tradition for everyone to come in and have dinner tonight. I didn't think it would be as emotional for me, but as the time got closer to go tonight, my heart was hurting. We all have our respective places at her dinner table and Wayne had the head chair and I sat by his side. It has been this way for as long as we've been together. When I walked in and saw his chair, my eyes started to fill with tears. This was the first time I would be at his mothers and not have him sitting by my side. I wasn't sure if I could actually sit down and do it, but his cousin sat in the chair (without knowing what I was thinking) and I guess that made it a bit easier. It wasn't his brother or son sitting there, taking his place.
It's going to be 7 months on Sunday and I still can't believe that this is real. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my husband back. I miss my best friend so much. I miss knowing that I could always depend and count on Wayne. I trusted him with my life and there are very few people in the world that I have that much faith in. Wayne was the number 1 person I trusted. My heart is so lonely and I feel like he is off at war and will be home soon. I just want him to come home. I have no one to talk to, to tell how my day was and no one to make plans with. Every plan I had, has slipped thru the cracks and doesn't exist any longer. We had plans, together, as a couple, as a family. Now, I have no plans. How sad.I just want to be loved again. I want to give my love to Wayne and have our happy, fun life back.
Everyone else around me is going on with life, I guess I am too, but dragging my feet and living in the past. The past keeps me going. The past is my happiest time of life. A time in my life that I don't see being happier or having that feeling again.I am tired of people saying or thinking that because I am young, I will find another man and continue on with my life. It's not going to be that way. I love and respect Wayne so much and value what we had. I could never open my heart up like that again. I could never be loved the way Wayne loved me and anything else, would fall short and I would and will always compare to my life with Wayne to anything new. In my heart and mind, I had the best life possible. We weren't rich with money, but we were filthy rich with love and happiness and that's what matters most to me in life. That's why being without it now kills me, hurts me and makes my heart empty.I also know, that I could NEVER, have our son call another man "Daddy". Ryan has the most amazing father, who is up in heaven, watching over us everyday. I will never do that to Wayne or Ryan. Ryan will learn and know how great his father was and have wonderful happy memories of his daddy. I can play both roles of mom and dad and give Ryan a great life and that is what I plan on doing. He, is the reason I haven't completely lost my mind and gone crazy. If I didn't have Ryan, I don't know where I'd be right now. I am thankful for him, as he has made me keep going and because of him, I can not and will not give up.I know, I always write the same thing over and over, but this is life. I have lost the closest person to me in the world and he's never coming back for me.
I can't stop thinking about Wayne, as we were together for 15 incredible years and i will never stop thinking about him or missing him. Wayne made all my dreams come true. There was nothing more in the world he could have given me. His love was the greatest gift and when you lose that, it hurts real bad. I don't know how long it will take until I see some kind of happy times again. I honestly, don't think I will ever feel the contentment I had in my life and heart 7 months ago, again. How could I? Nothing will ever be the same and I will always be looking back, because I am too afraid to look forward.
It's going to be 7 months on Sunday and I still can't believe that this is real. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my husband back. I miss my best friend so much. I miss knowing that I could always depend and count on Wayne. I trusted him with my life and there are very few people in the world that I have that much faith in. Wayne was the number 1 person I trusted. My heart is so lonely and I feel like he is off at war and will be home soon. I just want him to come home. I have no one to talk to, to tell how my day was and no one to make plans with. Every plan I had, has slipped thru the cracks and doesn't exist any longer. We had plans, together, as a couple, as a family. Now, I have no plans. How sad.I just want to be loved again. I want to give my love to Wayne and have our happy, fun life back.
Everyone else around me is going on with life, I guess I am too, but dragging my feet and living in the past. The past keeps me going. The past is my happiest time of life. A time in my life that I don't see being happier or having that feeling again.I am tired of people saying or thinking that because I am young, I will find another man and continue on with my life. It's not going to be that way. I love and respect Wayne so much and value what we had. I could never open my heart up like that again. I could never be loved the way Wayne loved me and anything else, would fall short and I would and will always compare to my life with Wayne to anything new. In my heart and mind, I had the best life possible. We weren't rich with money, but we were filthy rich with love and happiness and that's what matters most to me in life. That's why being without it now kills me, hurts me and makes my heart empty.I also know, that I could NEVER, have our son call another man "Daddy". Ryan has the most amazing father, who is up in heaven, watching over us everyday. I will never do that to Wayne or Ryan. Ryan will learn and know how great his father was and have wonderful happy memories of his daddy. I can play both roles of mom and dad and give Ryan a great life and that is what I plan on doing. He, is the reason I haven't completely lost my mind and gone crazy. If I didn't have Ryan, I don't know where I'd be right now. I am thankful for him, as he has made me keep going and because of him, I can not and will not give up.I know, I always write the same thing over and over, but this is life. I have lost the closest person to me in the world and he's never coming back for me.
I can't stop thinking about Wayne, as we were together for 15 incredible years and i will never stop thinking about him or missing him. Wayne made all my dreams come true. There was nothing more in the world he could have given me. His love was the greatest gift and when you lose that, it hurts real bad. I don't know how long it will take until I see some kind of happy times again. I honestly, don't think I will ever feel the contentment I had in my life and heart 7 months ago, again. How could I? Nothing will ever be the same and I will always be looking back, because I am too afraid to look forward.
What a weekend
Wow, what a busy weekend we had. My little guy started to get sick Thursday night with a high fever and being very clingy. I felt so bad, as he couldn't tell me what was wrong and was up crying til early in the morning. He was sleepy and not himself all day Friday and the same thing Friday night.
We got up early Saturday morning and were taking my nephew to Dave and Buster's in Philly, for his 10th birthday. I had never been there and was looking forward to going. We has a surprise in store for him and he no-one knew except the adults. We had to meet everyone at my sisters houses. When we arrived, there was a black stretch limo in the driveway. His eyes perked up and and mouth droped. I told him to go see what they were doing there and they told him they were lost and turning around. A minute later, I told him to go ask if the driver needed directions. The limo driver stepped out of the car and said, "NO, I'm looking for Peter" and Pete was like "That's me" and he asked him where he wanted to go today. So, we all piled into the limo and headed off to Philly.
We had lunch at Dave and Buster's and played a ton of games. Was a pretty cool place, if you've never been. Pictures posted on my profile page. Anyway, i don't think he will ever forget his 10th birthday...
My little guy continued to be sick all night on Saturday and cried and woke up every hour. This led to mommy not getting much sleep. I took him to the Dr. today and we really think it's because he's teething. He's getting 8 teeth at one time. He's not a happy camper. Had a not so busy day today, but got a little bit of sleep while Ryan napped. My heart feels so bad, that I can't fix his pain.
Tonight is emotional for me, as tomorrow is the 1st day of Shotgun Deer hunting here. My husband lived for this week. It was a family tradition and he looked forward to it every year. It was time he spent with his brother and sons and he always wanted them to score first, before himself. His mom always makes a big dinner the Sunday night before and everyone would go in and eat. She also gets up at the crack of dawn, or before, tomorrow morning and makes the guys breakfast and then dinner tomorrow night. I know Wayne will be on everyone of their minds tomorrow morning, as he was a "Leader" and a good hunter. It was 4 days of the guys getting to hang out together. To hunt, talk about hunting and tell the same stories that have been told for 100 years.I would always keep Wayne up late tonight, talking and he'd finally go to bed at 1am and have to wake up at 3:30am to get to his mom's for breakfast. He put up with so much from me:)
I was at my sister's and told of what I just told you all and was a bit sappy and missing Wayne. As I was talking, I was helping her clean up the boys play area, when I looked up on the train table and on there, was 1 matchbox car and a plastic 10 POINT BUCK.... What are the odds??? I asked her, where did you get this, she said someone gave it to the boys for their birthday and only saw it back in August. I have NEVER seen this plastic deer before and it wasn't there all weekend. It was just that I was talking about Wayne and how much he loved Shotgun week and for me to look up and see that sitting there, was a sign, that he was there and listening. I asked if I could have it. I took it up to the cemetary on the way home tonight (that's love, a cemetery at dark) and put it on his headstone. I love you honey and wish you good shooting tomorrow. I know your'll be hunting up there, if you can and you will be watching over your family tomorrow to make sure they score.
For those of you who have not walked in my shoes, the signs I get from Wayne are amazing. I have never thought about or believed so much in signs from the afterlife, but I am living this, everyday and I know Wayne is doing everything in his power, to show me that he still exists, hears me and is with me. I can feel my best friend around me. Wayne will never leave me.
So, that was my weekend. Sick little man, spending time with my nephew and his friends and taking a stretch to Philly. Taking little man to the Dr. and trying to catch up on sleep that I missed out on Thursday and Friday night and going to a cemetery in the dark for the 1st time in my life. That's love, for a girl like me who is a big whimp.
We got up early Saturday morning and were taking my nephew to Dave and Buster's in Philly, for his 10th birthday. I had never been there and was looking forward to going. We has a surprise in store for him and he no-one knew except the adults. We had to meet everyone at my sisters houses. When we arrived, there was a black stretch limo in the driveway. His eyes perked up and and mouth droped. I told him to go see what they were doing there and they told him they were lost and turning around. A minute later, I told him to go ask if the driver needed directions. The limo driver stepped out of the car and said, "NO, I'm looking for Peter" and Pete was like "That's me" and he asked him where he wanted to go today. So, we all piled into the limo and headed off to Philly.
We had lunch at Dave and Buster's and played a ton of games. Was a pretty cool place, if you've never been. Pictures posted on my profile page. Anyway, i don't think he will ever forget his 10th birthday...
My little guy continued to be sick all night on Saturday and cried and woke up every hour. This led to mommy not getting much sleep. I took him to the Dr. today and we really think it's because he's teething. He's getting 8 teeth at one time. He's not a happy camper. Had a not so busy day today, but got a little bit of sleep while Ryan napped. My heart feels so bad, that I can't fix his pain.
Tonight is emotional for me, as tomorrow is the 1st day of Shotgun Deer hunting here. My husband lived for this week. It was a family tradition and he looked forward to it every year. It was time he spent with his brother and sons and he always wanted them to score first, before himself. His mom always makes a big dinner the Sunday night before and everyone would go in and eat. She also gets up at the crack of dawn, or before, tomorrow morning and makes the guys breakfast and then dinner tomorrow night. I know Wayne will be on everyone of their minds tomorrow morning, as he was a "Leader" and a good hunter. It was 4 days of the guys getting to hang out together. To hunt, talk about hunting and tell the same stories that have been told for 100 years.I would always keep Wayne up late tonight, talking and he'd finally go to bed at 1am and have to wake up at 3:30am to get to his mom's for breakfast. He put up with so much from me:)
I was at my sister's and told of what I just told you all and was a bit sappy and missing Wayne. As I was talking, I was helping her clean up the boys play area, when I looked up on the train table and on there, was 1 matchbox car and a plastic 10 POINT BUCK.... What are the odds??? I asked her, where did you get this, she said someone gave it to the boys for their birthday and only saw it back in August. I have NEVER seen this plastic deer before and it wasn't there all weekend. It was just that I was talking about Wayne and how much he loved Shotgun week and for me to look up and see that sitting there, was a sign, that he was there and listening. I asked if I could have it. I took it up to the cemetary on the way home tonight (that's love, a cemetery at dark) and put it on his headstone. I love you honey and wish you good shooting tomorrow. I know your'll be hunting up there, if you can and you will be watching over your family tomorrow to make sure they score.
For those of you who have not walked in my shoes, the signs I get from Wayne are amazing. I have never thought about or believed so much in signs from the afterlife, but I am living this, everyday and I know Wayne is doing everything in his power, to show me that he still exists, hears me and is with me. I can feel my best friend around me. Wayne will never leave me.
So, that was my weekend. Sick little man, spending time with my nephew and his friends and taking a stretch to Philly. Taking little man to the Dr. and trying to catch up on sleep that I missed out on Thursday and Friday night and going to a cemetery in the dark for the 1st time in my life. That's love, for a girl like me who is a big whimp.
Here Comes the Sadness
Well, here come the sad times. With Christmas less than a month away, I am already feeling the emptiness in the pit of my belly and the missing piece of my heart.We spent the whole weekend outside, putting up the Christmas decorations. It was hard work and we busted hump to do it, but we got it done. Wayne always made the outside look beautiful and I want to continue his tradition. Everyone is so excited for Christmas to come, I could care less if it came or not.
My Christmas will never be the same again. The first year I met Wayne, he brought my presents to my house and left them under the tree. I joked with him and shook a box and took some guesses. He did not like that and said it wasn't fair. From that point forward, he wouldn't even bring one present in the house for me, until Christmas Eve night. He would buy presents, take them to his mom's house and wrap them there. He always wrapped my presents in beautiful paper and handmade perfect bows. He could out wrap me anyday. His presentation was beautiful. For such a big, strong guy, he sure could wrap!
Our Christmas's were always so special between us. We enjoyed giving to everyone and he always got me something special and put his heart and great thought into it.
Wayne, on the other hand was a pain. He would always guess what I got him as his "Big gift" and was right, more times than not. Two years ago, he lost his wedding band while gutting a deer in New York State. He was very upset about that and hated not having his wedding band on. I had purchased him a new one and alot of other gifts. I gave him all his other presents and waited awhile, then gave him his new ring. He had written down a new ring and put the piece of paper away. He was always like that and it annoyed people.I did get him good awhile back. I purchased and had a enclosed landscape trailer custom built for him. He was at my house and we were doing presents. Then I had someone drive it there and park it outside after he was inside. I made a puzzle and made him follow clues all over the house and finally led him outside and he was very surprised. For once, I got him!
I will miss our Christmas traditions and we always had a Christmas party at our house for our whole family. I wasn't going to do it this year, but decided today, that he would want me to continue and he would do the same if I was gone. I am so thankful that at least we had one family Christmas together with Ryan. Ryan is why I am going thru the emotional hardship of decorating for Christmas and trying to have a nice holiday season. He is so sweet and innocent and deserves to have and make happy memories.I miss Wayne so very much. I feel him around me, I know he's here. I just want to have one more day with him. There is so much I don't know, so much he could teach me, but as we accomplish the tasks at hand, I look back and smile and say to myself, He did teach me and I paid attention. I felt a sense of pride, after we got the outside decorated. It looks beautiful.
As we decorated our tree last night, I was not into it at all. We always put our tree up Thanksgiving weekend, watched movies and decorated the house. I have no other decorations out yet. I have more Christmas stuff than I have room for!!! This is going to be a hard month for me. The holidays are supposed to be spent and enjoyed with the ones you love and the love of my life is no longer here with me. I know I have Ryan here and I am thankful, but the love I have for our son and the love I have for my husband are so completely different. It's lonely and sad not having the love of your life by your side, to share with and make memories with.
Thanks for bearing with me, I'm sure there will be many more unhappy thoughts for me this month. Be thankful for the husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend that is by your side. Even if you sometimes disagree or whatever, be thankful, because life could change in an instant. Be sure that the ones you love know it, everyday. I am blessed with the fact that I knew how much Wayne loved me and that he knew how much I loved him.
That knowledge will last me a lifetime with a smile in my heart.
My Christmas will never be the same again. The first year I met Wayne, he brought my presents to my house and left them under the tree. I joked with him and shook a box and took some guesses. He did not like that and said it wasn't fair. From that point forward, he wouldn't even bring one present in the house for me, until Christmas Eve night. He would buy presents, take them to his mom's house and wrap them there. He always wrapped my presents in beautiful paper and handmade perfect bows. He could out wrap me anyday. His presentation was beautiful. For such a big, strong guy, he sure could wrap!
Our Christmas's were always so special between us. We enjoyed giving to everyone and he always got me something special and put his heart and great thought into it.
Wayne, on the other hand was a pain. He would always guess what I got him as his "Big gift" and was right, more times than not. Two years ago, he lost his wedding band while gutting a deer in New York State. He was very upset about that and hated not having his wedding band on. I had purchased him a new one and alot of other gifts. I gave him all his other presents and waited awhile, then gave him his new ring. He had written down a new ring and put the piece of paper away. He was always like that and it annoyed people.I did get him good awhile back. I purchased and had a enclosed landscape trailer custom built for him. He was at my house and we were doing presents. Then I had someone drive it there and park it outside after he was inside. I made a puzzle and made him follow clues all over the house and finally led him outside and he was very surprised. For once, I got him!
I will miss our Christmas traditions and we always had a Christmas party at our house for our whole family. I wasn't going to do it this year, but decided today, that he would want me to continue and he would do the same if I was gone. I am so thankful that at least we had one family Christmas together with Ryan. Ryan is why I am going thru the emotional hardship of decorating for Christmas and trying to have a nice holiday season. He is so sweet and innocent and deserves to have and make happy memories.I miss Wayne so very much. I feel him around me, I know he's here. I just want to have one more day with him. There is so much I don't know, so much he could teach me, but as we accomplish the tasks at hand, I look back and smile and say to myself, He did teach me and I paid attention. I felt a sense of pride, after we got the outside decorated. It looks beautiful.
As we decorated our tree last night, I was not into it at all. We always put our tree up Thanksgiving weekend, watched movies and decorated the house. I have no other decorations out yet. I have more Christmas stuff than I have room for!!! This is going to be a hard month for me. The holidays are supposed to be spent and enjoyed with the ones you love and the love of my life is no longer here with me. I know I have Ryan here and I am thankful, but the love I have for our son and the love I have for my husband are so completely different. It's lonely and sad not having the love of your life by your side, to share with and make memories with.
Thanks for bearing with me, I'm sure there will be many more unhappy thoughts for me this month. Be thankful for the husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend that is by your side. Even if you sometimes disagree or whatever, be thankful, because life could change in an instant. Be sure that the ones you love know it, everyday. I am blessed with the fact that I knew how much Wayne loved me and that he knew how much I loved him.
That knowledge will last me a lifetime with a smile in my heart.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Please come home...
Dear Wayne,I can't even find the right words to write to you. It has been 5 months today since you left and I miss you more than anything or anyone I've ever missed before. You are my best friend in the whole world and I am so lost and lonely without you here. I still haven't taken a day to break down and cry since you've gone. I wake up each morning and try my best to be strong and pretend your'll be coming home soon.We had so many plans and so many things to do. We had plans for tomorrow and our future. It is still so unbelieveable that you left as suddenly as you did. No-one saw your departure coming.You are my strong, loving and gentle husband. You make me feel safe and secure with your confident smile and inviting eyes. Your strong hand on the small of my back makes me feel like a Princess and so safe and loved. We could always finish each others sentence or know what the other was thinking before we said it. I know I could be a PITA, but I'm your PITA and I know you enjoyed it.I have so much to tell you since you've been gone. I know you see the pain I've been going through, so I won't go into detail. I am trying my best to continue on as you would and do the things you do. I've learned to cut the grass and pretty well I must say. I have cut down trees, drained the pool, refilled the pool, fixed the toilet, cleaned out the fireplace, hung sheetrock and laid down sod in the back yard by the garage window. I am also trying to be the best mom I can be to Ryan. It is very difficult being alone without a partner now. Sometimes Ryan gets into a tantrum and I wish you were here to help out with them. I need to walk away sometimes and I can't.Ryan has learned so much since you left. He is walking now and climbing on everything. He has the biggest smile and laughs outloud at things that he thinks are funny and that I don't. He is starting to talk and has a good vocabulary. I use to be able to pretend I was crying and he would come running and hug me. Now, he does it to me. He likes to imitate whatever someone does. He has to close the door whenever I let the dogs out or he gets mad. He has made a home of one of the cabinets in the kitchen. He takes out the tupperware and climbs in, closes the door and waits for me to ask "Where's Ryan?" Ryan loves car-cars, ball-ball and DEER! He sees a deer out by the pool and goes crazy. He stands in the window and calls them. Ryan also loves to throw everything into the fireplace. Mickey will take him out to his car and he sits there and blows the horn and laughs. Ryan is growing up so fast and it kills me more than anyone could ever know, that you aren't here to see and enjoy it. I have seen him give glances back at me and I swear they are yours. I also say his stubborness is yours too. Oh yeah, when I need to do something in the kitchen, Ryan loves to play in the fridge, so I just let him go at it. He's not too into toys, it's everything else he's not supposed to have that he loves.I try so hard to be the best parent I can be for Ryan. I so wish I was gone instead of you. I know you could teach Ryan more than I ever can. You know alot more things related to a boy and becoming a man than I do. I will do everything I can to teach Ryan about you and how much you love him. How you couldn't stand to be away from us.Wayne, I feel so empty inside without you. My heart hurts so bad and I can't make the pain go away. I would give anything in the world, including my own life, to have 1 more day with you. Losing your best friend is the biggest pain I think anyone can go through. I know you would be further along than I am, if the rolls were reversed. You would be back to work and living life. I can't stop living in the past. Everywhere I go, I think of you and think "Oh, we were here" or "we did this". Everytime I go around the circle, I think of getting pulled over with the roadblock and you pulled up on your way to work, shook your head, laughed and drove off... leaving me there with all those cops.Tonight is the 1st night I am up, sitting in the kitchen alone and everyone else is in bed. I haven't sat out here once since you left, alone. I also took Ryan to Tiff's today and Dana watched him for 2 1/2 hours. The first time I have left him to go and do errands. I had to go buy a new dryer today and they scammed me at Home Depot for a cord and lint thingy. I had to pay $20.00 extra!!! If you were here, I wouldn't have had to buy it because you could hook it up. God Wayne, I ache so much. I hate being alone and not having you here to laugh with and cuddle with. I even wouldn't have minded all your yelling while the Yankees blew it in the playoffs. They played like crap and got spanked. I learned how to blow the leaves out of the yard with the mower yesterday and it sucks. I don't know how you did all that work out there and I never heard you complain AND you did all your customers yards too.Well my sweet love, my eyes and fingers are tired and Ryan will still get up early in the morning. I pray every night for you to come and take me on a date in my dreams. I have seen you a few times, but you never talk to me. Please know that your visits mean so very much to me. As each day ends, I know that it gets me one more day closer to being with you again. When it is my time to go, I pray you will be the 1st person I see and we will be able to spend eternity together.One life, One love..... Until we meet again.Please come home soon.......I love you, always and forever!!! Kim
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Today was difficult!
I'm not sure exactly why, but today was difficult for me. I was busy doing things and Ryan was being watched by a friend. I suddenly got that "tunnel hearing" inside my head and thought of Wayne. I thought back to about a month or so prior to his passing, he had said he heard a "swishing" sound in his ear. I didn't pay to much attention to it and just figured it was like the "tunnel hearing" you sometimes get. About a week or less before his passing, he complained of an ear ache. The first I have ever heard of from him in all our 15 years together.
I guess today it hit me again, that had I made him go to the doctor for his check up and to have them look into his blocked artery, I could have possibly prevented his passing. I was too selfish and not a good partner. I should have listend harder and thought about the slow block they said he had going on.
I broke down and cried infront of my 9 year old nephew and felt so bad. I know this is tough on him too and I just lost it for a few minutes and it has stayed inside me all day and still now.I guess I always thought of Wayne as being invinsible, that nothing could or would happen to him. It's going to be 5 months on Tuesday and I still miss him so badly. I just want him to come home. I want to see his eyes, his smile and kiss him. I want him to wrap his strong arms around me and give me a big Wayne hug. The kind where I feel so safe, loved and secure. I miss having someone love me. I miss hearing "I Love You". I miss being touched, tickled and poked. I miss our "Who can lay down first" backrub sessions. Wow, writing tonight is really tough. As I sit here alone and type, I have streams of tears rolling down my face. I'm so scared, alone and afraid! If only..... kills me. I'll never know. I'll never know if I made him go to the doctor, could this have been prevented. I'll never know if I did all I could that night.
I manage to wake up and go thru each day and try to be happy for Ryan, but I still feel so numb inside. I try not to discuss it too much with my family now, as I'm sure they have heard enough during these last 5 months. They have no idea how alone and sad I am inside! How every square inch in our house is filled with memories. How I walk into a room and think of we did this or we did that. Our house feels so cold and empty to me now. I am usually a like to stay at home and hibernate type of girl in the Winter and it was fun with Wayne. We LOVED to take naps for an hour or two and stay up late each night just haning out with each other. It's the time of year I go into a funk and it is quickly approaching again now and this time, I'll have to face it alone.
Hunting season has started and I see deer all over the place. I know he would be out there looking for his "bullwinkle".Wayne was a patient hunter. He would wait and wait and go days and days, just to get the perfect buck. I didn't care too much for hunting, but it was his passion and I tried to be as into it as one could be. His empty deer stand is in the woods outside our bedroom window and when I look out and see it, empty, I am sad, but it is going to remain there. This Wayne and that was his spot!
This blog has gone from okay, to balling tears, to wiping my tears to tell you how awesome Wayne was. an emotionally up and down 10 minutes...
Okay, I best quit while I'm ahead tonight. Thank you for reading. Have a nice weekend...
Kim
Saturday, September 09, 2006
I got a sign today!
I got a sign today from Wayne. I have been feeling a bit down lately, with Fall on it's way. This is the time of year I begin to "nest".I went to the cemetary today for my usual visit and as I sat there, I asked Wayne to please send me a sign. Please let me know you are still around and watching over us.
We left the cemetary and went to Dunkin Donuts and as we were in line waiting to order, the car in front of me said "WAYNE". It was the dealership tag around the plate, but that's all it said. No dealer name or anything, just "WAYNE". It made my heart fill with love. Love from Wayne, knowing he really is still around and watching over us. Then on the way home, our wedding song "From This Moment" came on the radio. I started to cry.
My pain is still very real and hard. As I sat outside tonight, I watched as the cars passed by and was looking for Wayne to round the corner in his truck and come home from a day of mowing. Park his truck and trailer and give me a big kiss. From the outside of our house, it looks like nothing has changed (we are doing a great job with the landscaping) but no one knows that inside the house, our hearts are broken.
Tomorrow is going to be 4 months. I still can't believe this is real. I keep hoping that this is a bad reality show and he'll be home soon.
My pain is less than it was in the beginning, but my heart breaks when I look at our son and realize that Ryan got jipped and will not have his own memories of his daddy and Wayne got jipped by not being able to be here to watch him grow up and teach him all the dad things. When I think of that, I cry. Wayne finally got it right. He was so in love with his son and our family. He was so devoted to us. I couldn't have asked for a better life, a better husband or partner. Wayne really did make all my dreams come true. I will forever have memories of him and will love him everyday of my life. He remains to be my best friend and his place can never be filled by another.
Well, that's about all I have for you tonight. I just wanted to share my awesome experience about my sign from above. I know Wayne is watching over us and continues to love us from the other side. Our bond will never be broken, despite time and distance, our love is eternal.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Feeling down
I've been feeling a little down lately. Feeling lonely, sad and unworthy. I am still in such shock from losing Wayne. Our son and I, my sister and her family and my mom recently went to the shore for a week. It was nice, but very different. I have been going to the shore for years with my husband. I've only ever really gone in the ocean with him, walked on the beach with him and all the other things that go along with vacation, with him. I tried the best I could to enjoy, for Ryan, but was so sad inside everyday. I kept thinking "Wayne and I did this" and so on.
My feelings of unworthyness stem from being alone. Before I met my husband, I was 19 and didn't know who I was or what I wanted to be or do. I met him and KNEW he was the man for me, despite the age difference, we clicked and that was it! I then became his wife (I was so proud) and then a mom to our wonderful son. Wayne was 1/2 of me and I was 1/2 of him. Some say we were sickening sweet, as we loved to spend every minute together and after 15 years, still didn't know enough about each other. There was always something new to learn or tell.
We pretty much made all of our decisions together, paint colors, dinner, flowers to plant, blah, blah, blah. Now that is all gone and I feel like a no one. Not important and have no purpose. Fall is coming and I have this sick feeling in my belly when I think about it. Facing it alone and knowing the holidays are around the corner. I know I have made it this far, it's almost 4 months.
It's so sad to be alone. I know my family is getting tired of me talking about him, but I have nothing else to think about. It consumes me all day, thinking about him, wondering if I will ever see him again (on the other side), thinking about the plans we had and things that needed doing. It is so painful to walk around our house, in his garage and see his projects, his clothes, his everything. No one gets it! It kills me to see these things and know he's never coming back. The person I love most in this world, the person who was Always there for me, right or wrong, is never going to touch me again, tell me it will be okay, inspire me, help me and love me, help raise our son, teach me, is not coming back for me. I feel so overwhelmed having to face the world alone. I was a somebody before, 1/2 of a team and now I feel like nothing. No one to love me.
I've been feeling like a bad mommy too. Ryan is now walking and running and getting into everything. He has also started with tantrums and I don't exactly know how or what to do. I feel like I am supposed to fix it and everyone is looking at me and making comments. I need Wayne's help, he would tell me it will be okay and be my other 1/2 when times are tough.
I just want to find a way to make it thru best I can, for Ryan and I. He deserves the best and happiest future I can provide. That is what Wayne would expect from me. I love our son so very much and he is a major reason I have come this far.
My heart breaks for anyone in my position. It hurts when you know people are tired of hearing about it, moving on and you are stuck. No one calls anymore, no one visits and no one knows just how scared and lonely I really am. In a million years, I never would have thought that at 34, I would lose my best friend, have a young baby and be alone.
I would give up anything in the world, to have 1 more day!
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
How Life Changes in an Instant (9)
Well tomorrow is going to be difficult. Tomorrow would be our 4 year anniversary and I am having a tough time thinking about it.Last week was 3 months since Wayne passed. Everyone says it will get easier with time, but nothing is getting easier. I still hurt everyday. I still think about Wayne everyday and wish this was all a bad night mare and I will wake and tell him how horrible it was and what I was experiencing and thinking. How lonely I was without him around. I want my heart to stop hurting, the pain to go away and the emptiness to be filled again. I feel so lonely in our house. I say it's just a house to me now, it's no longer "our" home. I miss the laughter, the commotion, the hustle and bustle of everyday life as a family. I try to force a smile everyday, but it's fake and no one really knows how I feel inside.I am trying best I can to carry on and keep our home running smooth, inside and out. My niece and nephew help an awful lot. We have mastered cutting the grass, weed whacking, cutting down trees, blowing the driveway, trying to drain the pool and everything else that needs doing. I feel impowered accomplishing all that we have, but I beg and wish I, we, could have Wayne's approval. Is he proud of us and what we are doing? Does he see how hard I am trying? It's an awful feeling, missing someone and looking for their approval, knowing it will never come. I want him to come home and say "wow, you've done great". Wayne would always compliment me when I tried to do something out of the norm of my usual life duties.
I saw him do everything and watched, so I feel I can try to fill his boots. I know I'll never keep the yard up to his standards, but I think we are doing one hell of a good job for beginners. I love cutting the grass. I think of him the whole time and feel bad that I didn't help out in the past. Though he wouldn't let me, he was a perfectionest when it came to our yard. He was the professional and it always looked beautiful!
I am doing the best I can to get by and deal with each day. I am thankful for the 15 years I had with him and know in my heart and mind, that I have memories that will last a lifetime and always make me smile. Good times and bad. Even if we fought, I loved making up with Wayne. We never stayed mad at each other. Maybe for a few minutes, until one of us said we were sorry. But, my hurt is for Ryan, our son. I hurt knowing he won't remember his father, except thru pictures and stories. He will never know the icon his father was in our town. Everyone knew Wayne. Would you expect less? He was a cop for 28 years. He knew Everyone!!! Ryan will never know how much his father loved him and enjoyed him. How his eyes lit up everytime he saw him. How excited and worried he was the day he was born and how happy we were as a family. He won't ever get to celebrate Father's Day again, he won't have Wayne here to teach him how to hunt, play baseball, work on his car, fix things or get the love he so deserves from his dad. I so wish I was the one who was gone. I love Ryan dearly and know I will do all that I can to mold him into a respectable man, but if Wayne was here, he would love him as much as I do, but he could teach him so much more. A boy deserves his dad. I know Wayne would love him with all his heart and teach him love and compassion (as I will) but he could teach him all the guy things he needs to know.I never, ever, imagined being where I am at this time in my life. Yes, I always assumed Wayne would have passed before me, because of the age difference, but not now. Not at this point in either of our lives.No matter how the dance turned out, I remain thankful for having Wayne in my life for as long as I did. Thankful for the love Wayne gave me everyday. Thankful for the amazing gift of our son. We always said we wanted to make our mark together in the world and our little boy will bring me comfort daily, I know Wayne will live on through him. I know he sees him, but I wish I could see the happiness on Wayne's face, watching Ryan learn and do new things.
4 years ago tomorrow, was the happiest day of my life and I now I am alone. Really, how life changes in an instant!
I saw him do everything and watched, so I feel I can try to fill his boots. I know I'll never keep the yard up to his standards, but I think we are doing one hell of a good job for beginners. I love cutting the grass. I think of him the whole time and feel bad that I didn't help out in the past. Though he wouldn't let me, he was a perfectionest when it came to our yard. He was the professional and it always looked beautiful!
I am doing the best I can to get by and deal with each day. I am thankful for the 15 years I had with him and know in my heart and mind, that I have memories that will last a lifetime and always make me smile. Good times and bad. Even if we fought, I loved making up with Wayne. We never stayed mad at each other. Maybe for a few minutes, until one of us said we were sorry. But, my hurt is for Ryan, our son. I hurt knowing he won't remember his father, except thru pictures and stories. He will never know the icon his father was in our town. Everyone knew Wayne. Would you expect less? He was a cop for 28 years. He knew Everyone!!! Ryan will never know how much his father loved him and enjoyed him. How his eyes lit up everytime he saw him. How excited and worried he was the day he was born and how happy we were as a family. He won't ever get to celebrate Father's Day again, he won't have Wayne here to teach him how to hunt, play baseball, work on his car, fix things or get the love he so deserves from his dad. I so wish I was the one who was gone. I love Ryan dearly and know I will do all that I can to mold him into a respectable man, but if Wayne was here, he would love him as much as I do, but he could teach him so much more. A boy deserves his dad. I know Wayne would love him with all his heart and teach him love and compassion (as I will) but he could teach him all the guy things he needs to know.I never, ever, imagined being where I am at this time in my life. Yes, I always assumed Wayne would have passed before me, because of the age difference, but not now. Not at this point in either of our lives.No matter how the dance turned out, I remain thankful for having Wayne in my life for as long as I did. Thankful for the love Wayne gave me everyday. Thankful for the amazing gift of our son. We always said we wanted to make our mark together in the world and our little boy will bring me comfort daily, I know Wayne will live on through him. I know he sees him, but I wish I could see the happiness on Wayne's face, watching Ryan learn and do new things.
4 years ago tomorrow, was the happiest day of my life and I now I am alone. Really, how life changes in an instant!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
How Life Changes in an Instant (8)
Well, yesterday wasn't so much fun. It was the first 4th of July I have spent without Wayne in 15 years. Everyone was having fun, laughing and having a good time. I smiled when I could, but I was recalling our last 4th of July and how much fun it was, celebrating with our son, Ryan. I recalled our whole trip down to NC last year and how Ryan and I were here and Wayne flew down to be with us. The flights were all jammed up and his flight was cancelled. He had to get a connection flight and flew into Charlotte. He said he would never fly around holiday time again. It was an all day affair to get here, but Wayne would go to any length to be with us. He complained and moaned about the long day, but once he saw Ryan and I, all was forgotten. It was well worth the trip.
I have been doing more reading in the last couple of days then in the last few years. I am discovering that even though his physical person is not here for us to see and touch, he is still here. The reading helps to heal my pain and believe there is a way we will be able to connect again. Not our usual day together, but a way to understand that he exists still, on another plane, that we can't see, but believe in.
I'm sure people don't usually discuss things of this nature, but since his passing, there have been too many things happening in my life that would be considered "considences". I have learned thru reading, that his spirit is so strong, that he wants everyone he loves to Know he is still with us. loves us and that we will be together again. If anyone in my life was going to be that strong, it would be Wayne. He left a lot of unfinished business and words unsaid. He's not leaving here silently.
I am getting a bit homesicK and plan to go home tomorrow. I feel disconnected a bit, being away from home. We have been gone for awhile and I want to go home. Home to be closer to Wayne. It has been a nice time down here and I need for us to get away for awhile, but now is the time to go home, face the music and try to start a new life path for Ryan and I. I will always have Wayne's thoughts, plans and how he would handle situations in mind. I promise him to raise Ryan the best that I can. To be sure he becomes a great man liKe his father. That when it is my time to go, Wayne will be waiting for me and tell me that I did a great job and have made him proud. I will continue to live my life, wondering when it will be my time to go and that I want him to remain to be proud of me and what we set out to accomplish.
I guess that's all if have for now. I could always go on, but I would find myself getting more sad by the minute. I enjoy writting about my wonderful husband and want to be sure his memory is strong and never forgotten. He will never be forgotten by me!
Have a nice Tuesday....
I have been doing more reading in the last couple of days then in the last few years. I am discovering that even though his physical person is not here for us to see and touch, he is still here. The reading helps to heal my pain and believe there is a way we will be able to connect again. Not our usual day together, but a way to understand that he exists still, on another plane, that we can't see, but believe in.
I'm sure people don't usually discuss things of this nature, but since his passing, there have been too many things happening in my life that would be considered "considences". I have learned thru reading, that his spirit is so strong, that he wants everyone he loves to Know he is still with us. loves us and that we will be together again. If anyone in my life was going to be that strong, it would be Wayne. He left a lot of unfinished business and words unsaid. He's not leaving here silently.
I am getting a bit homesicK and plan to go home tomorrow. I feel disconnected a bit, being away from home. We have been gone for awhile and I want to go home. Home to be closer to Wayne. It has been a nice time down here and I need for us to get away for awhile, but now is the time to go home, face the music and try to start a new life path for Ryan and I. I will always have Wayne's thoughts, plans and how he would handle situations in mind. I promise him to raise Ryan the best that I can. To be sure he becomes a great man liKe his father. That when it is my time to go, Wayne will be waiting for me and tell me that I did a great job and have made him proud. I will continue to live my life, wondering when it will be my time to go and that I want him to remain to be proud of me and what we set out to accomplish.
I guess that's all if have for now. I could always go on, but I would find myself getting more sad by the minute. I enjoy writting about my wonderful husband and want to be sure his memory is strong and never forgotten. He will never be forgotten by me!
Have a nice Tuesday....
How Life Changes In An Instant (7)
Today has been a tough day for me. Actually, everyday is tough. I am away at my Mom's house where Wayne, Ryan and I had so many fun times. We had just gotten home from my Mom's the Monday night before he passed. He worked so hard down here. He opened her pool, cut the grass, did weeding and whatever else he could find to do. That was Wayne. He hated to sit idle, it drove him crazy.
I look outside and tear up, remembering us out there on that sunny day, laughing and taking the pool cover off. He was so smart and knew how to do anything. He worked hard to open my Mom's pool and for some reason, her filter wasn't working right. This bugged him the whole ride home and I knew it bothered him that he'd have to wait 2 weeks to come back down to have more time to work on it and fix it. He never had the chance.
I feel lonely and disconnected from him being here. I feel since I left our house, he is not with me. I know that isn't true, but it's the pain talking.
I am thankful I have a lot of people to talk to, but no one really understands how difficult life is. I at this point, don't want to be here. I feel I have nothing left to live for. I loved Wayne with every fiber of my being and am so lonely and empty without him. Sure, I know so many people miss him, but I was with him everyday. I loved going to bed at night and cuddeling up to each other and waking in the morning to his bright smile. Even though I was grumpy sometimes. We enjoyed playing for awhile in bed with Ryan. It made us both so happy.
People tell me it will get easier. So far, it hasn't. I am consumed by our life together everyday. Consumed by the emptiness I feel. I hurts to see people going on with their lives and I am still dying inside. Half of me died that night too.
Sit and imagine all the joy you have experienced in your life for the last 15 years. Everything you have done, accomplished, hoped and dreamed for and BANG, it's all gone. Never to be seen again. No closure, no reason why and no chance to say goodbye or thank you for the wonderful love you gave me everyday. It's the toughest road I've ever been on. It hurts knowing I only got to have my "own" family for 11 months. I know no-one will ever fill Wayne's boots. He was the most special, loving, wonderful husband, friend and father. He really did make all my dreams come true. Maybe I should have given him a longer list:) It hurts knowing I choose to be alone until it is my time to go. One Life, One Love. Wayne was the man of my dreams and I always said there will never be another. To be so young and alone is terrible. I have no one to share my hopes, dreams, joys or accomplishments with anymore. We discussed everything and now I am left to fend for myself.
I have to hope and pray that love really is eternal and lives on to the other side. That when my time comes (not soon enough) that Wayne will be there with a big smile and open arms, waiting for me. I long to hear him say "I Love You" one more time. I long for him to touch me and give me his big Wayne smile. I hope when it is my time, he will meet me and tell me he is proud of the woman I became and that I raised our son right. I want Ryan to be just as great as his father was. They are pretty big boots to fill, but I think he'll do his daddy proud.
Thanks for reading. I feel better getting my thoughts out. I appreciate everyones kind words, thoughts and prayers.
Kim
I look outside and tear up, remembering us out there on that sunny day, laughing and taking the pool cover off. He was so smart and knew how to do anything. He worked hard to open my Mom's pool and for some reason, her filter wasn't working right. This bugged him the whole ride home and I knew it bothered him that he'd have to wait 2 weeks to come back down to have more time to work on it and fix it. He never had the chance.
I feel lonely and disconnected from him being here. I feel since I left our house, he is not with me. I know that isn't true, but it's the pain talking.
I am thankful I have a lot of people to talk to, but no one really understands how difficult life is. I at this point, don't want to be here. I feel I have nothing left to live for. I loved Wayne with every fiber of my being and am so lonely and empty without him. Sure, I know so many people miss him, but I was with him everyday. I loved going to bed at night and cuddeling up to each other and waking in the morning to his bright smile. Even though I was grumpy sometimes. We enjoyed playing for awhile in bed with Ryan. It made us both so happy.
People tell me it will get easier. So far, it hasn't. I am consumed by our life together everyday. Consumed by the emptiness I feel. I hurts to see people going on with their lives and I am still dying inside. Half of me died that night too.
Sit and imagine all the joy you have experienced in your life for the last 15 years. Everything you have done, accomplished, hoped and dreamed for and BANG, it's all gone. Never to be seen again. No closure, no reason why and no chance to say goodbye or thank you for the wonderful love you gave me everyday. It's the toughest road I've ever been on. It hurts knowing I only got to have my "own" family for 11 months. I know no-one will ever fill Wayne's boots. He was the most special, loving, wonderful husband, friend and father. He really did make all my dreams come true. Maybe I should have given him a longer list:) It hurts knowing I choose to be alone until it is my time to go. One Life, One Love. Wayne was the man of my dreams and I always said there will never be another. To be so young and alone is terrible. I have no one to share my hopes, dreams, joys or accomplishments with anymore. We discussed everything and now I am left to fend for myself.
I have to hope and pray that love really is eternal and lives on to the other side. That when my time comes (not soon enough) that Wayne will be there with a big smile and open arms, waiting for me. I long to hear him say "I Love You" one more time. I long for him to touch me and give me his big Wayne smile. I hope when it is my time, he will meet me and tell me he is proud of the woman I became and that I raised our son right. I want Ryan to be just as great as his father was. They are pretty big boots to fill, but I think he'll do his daddy proud.
Thanks for reading. I feel better getting my thoughts out. I appreciate everyones kind words, thoughts and prayers.
Kim
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