Thursday, May 10, 2007

A year ago today....

My life was normal, happy and I had everything I wanted. It was a beautiful sunny day like today and I played with Ryan, as I am doing today. Wayne was already out working and we didn't get to chat in the morning.

I was on cloud 9. Life was perfect and we were the most happy family. We had everything we wanted and dreamed of, we were a family. Even if times were tough, we were still happy, because we got thru whatever came our way together. This was the last "normal" day of my old life. The last time my heart felt true happiness, the last day my heart was whole and I was complete. The last day we would be a family.

I can't believe this day is here already and a year has passed. I still remember everything as if it were yesterday. I still wish that this has been a horrible nightmare and I will wake up soon and find that Wayne is still with us and God didn't take him from his family. Wake up and have my heart smile from happiness again, wake up and not feel all alone, wake up and wait to see Wayne walk thru the door and smile at us and give us bigs hugs and kisses. But, that is never going to happen again.

They say "that time heals all wounds!" I do not believe that is true. I can't imagine how the massive wound of losing my husband will ever truly heal. When you love someone and they are taken away from you, are you supposed to forget about them? Forget the life you had with them? How could you possibly do that? I will forever long for the wonderful happy times we had together. I will forever remember the amazing fun and tough times we had together.

I will never forget the way Wayne smiled, the way he would raise his "cop" eyebrows at me and be like..."Now what?". The touch of his strong hand on the small of my back, the way he would whisk my hair away from my neck and softly kiss the back of my neck. Wayne was a very loving and passionate man, probably more of a romantic than me.(it's sad, but true)It will be one year tonight that I lost my best friend and let me tell you , it Ain't any easier. It is more bearable, but the loss I feel and the sadness of not spending every minute of everyday with him has not lessened. My constant support system, right or wrong, he backed me. He loved my quirks and I his.

We were two peas in a pod and once your pod is broken, you can never replace that. I am further along than I imagined and that is to the support and love of my family and friends. They pitch in and help out when they can. They listen to me tell atleast one story of Wayne everyday. I can not and will not stop talking about it, I will not let him be forgotten. I talk about him to Ryan everyday, he needs to know how awesome and good his daddy was. I want him to be able to feel who he is/was inside of him and know how much he is/was loved by his daddy.

And even though I am doing my best to carry on everyday and give Ryan a great life, it is still scary doing things on my own. Not having your "Rock" here to discuss choices with and what their outcome may be. I try to make choices for that I know Wayne would be proud of and choices that Ryan will look back upon and and be proud me for making.

I've been writing this all day long. Now it's night time and I am laying in bed watching t.v. At 10:12pm last year on this date, life was perfect. I was playing a game on the computer with my Mom and Wayne was doing some paper work. I remember him asking me how to answer a question and I gave him my thoughts and he smiled big back at me. I can close my eyes and see his smile and remember the warmth I felt inside.

Pretty soon, we'd be getting ready for bed. We were watching Law & Order. (I have not been able to watch it since) We didn't chat much in bed, just kind of watched the show. I feel very empty, especially tonight. Our perfect life came to a crashing end in about an hour and a half from now. I saw my best friend pass away before my eyes and couldn't do anything to save him.

Have you ever faced a situation like that? How can I not question all the time IF I did all that I could, IF I reacted fast enough. I somehow knew, I knew that when the rescue squad got here, he was gone and because they didn't rush him out of here to the hospital, I knew it wasn't good. I never screamed. My dad took me to the hospital and drove slow, I knew he knew it wasn't good either, but he told me to be positive. I was the last of the family to arrive and saw my family in a room in the emergency room, their faces all blank. I felt that tingle inside my body and knew for sure that I was all alone now. That I was left alone to raise Ryan.

The Dr. came in and told me he didn't make it. I was numb inside, not wanting to believe that my hero was gone. They asked if I wanted to see him and of course I did. He was already in a gown and looked like he was sleeping. My dad came with me and we sat there, as I stroked his hair and talked to him. Rubbed my hand up and down his strong arms that he always held me with, touched his chest that I always layed my head on. He looked so peaceful, he looked like nothing was wrong. I didn't want to leave, but I knew that he was gone and I had to get home to our little boy. Nothing I could do or say would bring him back. And that was it, I was a widow with an 11 month old son at 33 years old. Not exactly where I had thought I would be at this point in my life. I never EVER thought that Wayne would pass at such a young age. I would joke with hm that he better be nice to me, because I was going to take care of him in his older years and ........

I will continue to love Wayne for the rest of my life. He is/was the love of my life. I waited along time for the everything to be right for us to be together. It was worth the wait.

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance.

I LOVE YOU ROBERT WAYNE PEDRICK. EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE.


.....UNTIL WE DANCE AGAIN........