A sign from above
I know Wayne was around me the other day. I am at my Mom's and I always bring a picture of Wayne to set on the night table. Well, the other day, I was changing Ryan on my mom's bed and when I went to get something off the night table, there was a little tab, one that was in my Mom's old phone (which was mine years ago) and it said Wayne on it. I commented and said, "Where did this come from, the phone?" We both said, yeah, it is, but she put that phone away a few months ago and has had her cleaning lady here mulitple times since. Why would it still be on the table, after it's been cleaned?
It was just a little something, to let me know he is here with us. It made me feel great inside. Wayne always finds away to let me know he's around. Love never dies. He has made me believe.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
New Year's Resolutions
Okay, I'll start early. I hope this new year starts better than last.
On New Year's Eve last year, I said "I don't think I feel well" Well, within an hour I was icky sick. Mickey came home sick, my neice got it and her friend was over and she got it. Ugh, Wayne made sure to steer clear of us! But, he had to come to bed sometime that night and well, He woke up with it the next day and so did my nephew! All I have right now is a cold, so I'm doing better.
I have many things I want to acheive in 2007:
1. To quit somking. For myself and my son. He is all I have left and I can't be selfish. I'll find something to reward myself with.
2. To make the right decisions for my family. To think long and hard about their and my future. (I do that now anyway)
3. To try and make a new life for Ryan and I. To try to be who I use to be, but with obviously, modifications.
4. To make new friends and be sure to take care of the old ones too.
5. To try and be happy.
I think that's a pretty stiff list. I will take each day as it comes and try to learn I can't live in the past. My life is on a new course now and I know Wayne is watching over to see that I make the right choices. The hardest job of all, and most rewarding, is to raise Ryan, to be a great man like his father. If I succeed at that, I don't think I could be more proud.
Hope everyone has a great New Year.
On New Year's Eve last year, I said "I don't think I feel well" Well, within an hour I was icky sick. Mickey came home sick, my neice got it and her friend was over and she got it. Ugh, Wayne made sure to steer clear of us! But, he had to come to bed sometime that night and well, He woke up with it the next day and so did my nephew! All I have right now is a cold, so I'm doing better.
I have many things I want to acheive in 2007:
1. To quit somking. For myself and my son. He is all I have left and I can't be selfish. I'll find something to reward myself with.
2. To make the right decisions for my family. To think long and hard about their and my future. (I do that now anyway)
3. To try and make a new life for Ryan and I. To try to be who I use to be, but with obviously, modifications.
4. To make new friends and be sure to take care of the old ones too.
5. To try and be happy.
I think that's a pretty stiff list. I will take each day as it comes and try to learn I can't live in the past. My life is on a new course now and I know Wayne is watching over to see that I make the right choices. The hardest job of all, and most rewarding, is to raise Ryan, to be a great man like his father. If I succeed at that, I don't think I could be more proud.
Hope everyone has a great New Year.
Feeling Indifferent
Well, today has been pretty uneventful. Slept in a bit with Ryan and then we went shopping. Was treated to a nice pair of A&F jeans, Thank you Mom-Mom for the Christmas gift card! As a mom with bills to pay, I don't splurge for $80.00 jeans often. I would rather buy things for Ryan, but since it was a Christmas card to me, I treated me! Wanted to buy a pair of black and pink Etnie sneakers, but couldn't justify spending $65.00 on sneakers, since I get them dirty and then don't like them anymore.
Last year for Christmas, Wayne bought me two pairs of sneakers, because he knows my fetish with them and was covering the bases. I actually, have only worn one pair so far and the others are still in a box! I have to have clean sneakers.
Touched base with a friend tonight and it was nice to talk with her. She has had some medical issues and has not been herself for the last year. Thankfully, they found out the cause and she will be having surgery next month and hopefully, she will be able to resume her life. It was sweet, we discussed our boys playing together, as their daddy's were great friends! I think that is sweet.
Not too much more to write about tonight. Had a relaxing day here in NC (on vacation) and just laying low. (as I always do)The weather is nice and I am getting over my cold, except for the stupid annoying cough that won't go away.
Oh yeah, when we at the mall, my mom saw a cop and asked him to come say Hi to Ryan. He loves to watch Cops on T.V, but actually got shy and put his head into his stroller. Maybe he loves cops because Daddy was a cop. (The most handsome and sexiest cop I have ever laid eyes on) I have a picture of Wayne in uniform on his last day of work on my nightstand and the other day, Ryan woke up and said "Cop, Cop" and I said that's right honey, that's your Daddy!!!! I'm thinking Ryan might follow in his daddy's footsteps. That's fine with me. His daddy was a great cop. He just can't be a cop in a major city or high crime rate area!!!!!
Hope everyone has a nice night. Time to go have dinner.
Last year for Christmas, Wayne bought me two pairs of sneakers, because he knows my fetish with them and was covering the bases. I actually, have only worn one pair so far and the others are still in a box! I have to have clean sneakers.
Touched base with a friend tonight and it was nice to talk with her. She has had some medical issues and has not been herself for the last year. Thankfully, they found out the cause and she will be having surgery next month and hopefully, she will be able to resume her life. It was sweet, we discussed our boys playing together, as their daddy's were great friends! I think that is sweet.
Not too much more to write about tonight. Had a relaxing day here in NC (on vacation) and just laying low. (as I always do)The weather is nice and I am getting over my cold, except for the stupid annoying cough that won't go away.
Oh yeah, when we at the mall, my mom saw a cop and asked him to come say Hi to Ryan. He loves to watch Cops on T.V, but actually got shy and put his head into his stroller. Maybe he loves cops because Daddy was a cop. (The most handsome and sexiest cop I have ever laid eyes on) I have a picture of Wayne in uniform on his last day of work on my nightstand and the other day, Ryan woke up and said "Cop, Cop" and I said that's right honey, that's your Daddy!!!! I'm thinking Ryan might follow in his daddy's footsteps. That's fine with me. His daddy was a great cop. He just can't be a cop in a major city or high crime rate area!!!!!
Hope everyone has a nice night. Time to go have dinner.
Christmas
So, I woke up on Christmas Eve and was doing fine. As it got later in the day and I had to start to get ready for all the upcoming events, I jumped in the shower and started to cry. This was the first time in 15 years, that my plans were alter. I always had a plan and it always included Wayne. It hit me hard, because for some reason, I had built it up in my mind that he would be home for Christmas. It was a cold dose of reality, that I was alone and he wasn't going to be there.
Ryan and I went to my Grandfathers and spent some time there with family. On our way, we went to the cemetery and laid roses down for Wayne. Ryan looked so handsome, his little smile just melted my heart. Seeing how big he has grown in the last year was amazing and sad at the same time. Amazing, because he is our son and sad, because Wayne is not here to see how big he is growing and experiencing how funny and wonderful he is.
I tried for hours to take a picture of him all dressed up and he wanted no part of it. He was too excited being in a new place and exploring, as all little boys do. A man came over to my Grandfather's and Ryan took to him right away. He stood there and smiled and let him take pictures of him. He wanted "Up, Up" and while it was cute, it killed me inside. Ryan often likes guys and I have to wonder if he is looking for his daddy. Unless you are in my shoes, you can't imagine how difficult that is to deal with.
We left and went to my Mother-in-laws. I had hoped I would have missed the start of dinner, but I didn't. The reason I wanted to miss the beginning was that I wasn't sure if I would be able to deal with Wayne's daughter saying Grace. I knew she was dreading saying it for days. It hit her hard and everyone ended up in tears. This was the first time in 58 years, Wayne was not at his mother's table for Christmas Eve dinner and the first time any of his children weren't with their father.
I know I talk about me and my loss all the time, but believe me, I am very aware of the wonderful man that we all lost. She started to cry and left the table. I went after her and while I was dying myself inside, I managed to try to cheer her up and re-enforce to her that Wayne wouldn't and doesn't want us to cry and that he wants us to continue on and have a wonderful holiday. (I don't know how much I believed my own advice, but I had to try to be strong for her)
We left and went back to our house and did adult presents, because we all had so much to do on Christmas. It was different and I made it thru. I love handing out presents and then I found myself there with a pile to open myself. I received wonderful and thoughtful gifts from everyone.
My neice and nephew got me a necklace with diamond chips, representing themselves and Ryan and beautiful matching earrings. My mother got me a circle of life necklace and everyone got me a necklace of a heart with a missing piece. It is the reunion necklace, for one day that I meet up with Wayne again. Well, that particular necklace made me burst out crying. The fun and laughter that usually filled our family room on Christmas Eve was muted and different.
Another difficult part was when Mickey's boyfriend opend a Christmas present from Wayne. He had started shopping earlier in the year for him and we remembered where the presents were. I think he was touched, but being the strong guy he is, he kept it inside. He liked Wayne alot! I had also found a card Wayne got for Mickey last Christmas for Ryan to give to her and we had forgotten about it and it never got signed, so when I found it, I helped Ryan sign it and told Mickey that her dad bought the card. Just the little things he left behind, touched us all on Christmas Eve.
I started to clean up from the massive amounts of wrapping paper in the living room and when I was alone, I found myself crying, but wiped my tears and told myself that I can go on!On Christmas morning, it was sad waking up without Wayne there, but I had Ryan and my neice and nephew.
We got up and went out and saw all the presents Santa had left and were so surprised! I made the mistake of giving Ryan a 20 pack of Match box cars first. He wanted nothing to do with any other presents!!!!
Again, all the excitement was over and again, I was cleaning up paper and this time, reallllllllly lost it. My neice came in and I felt so bad, but I just hugged her so hard and long and cried. I find myself crying often, but with no-one to hold me. She just let me cry and get it out. I missed Wayne so much and the pain was difficult to deal with. Like I wrote earlier, I for some reason, thought he'd be home for Christmas and he wasn't. Have you ever worked really hard to accomplish something and think, "Oh, when I'm done with this, this will happen?" Well, it hit me that I made it thru, but what I wanted, I will never have again and that I will have to do Christmas alone, for the rest of my life. Mind you I wasn't Alone, but Alone and without Wayne.
We went to my Mother-in-laws and did presents there. She and I had a minute before everyone else arrived and again, I started to cry. I dreaded driving to her house, again, knowing that this was the first year without her baby. Luckily, family started to show up, so we wiped our tears and did presents.
By this time, Ryan and I were pooped and went home and took a nap. We got up and got ready and went to my brother and sister-in-laws house for dinner. On our way, we went to the cemetery and I put down toll house cookies for Wayne and his father. (Wayne loved the cookies at Christmas)
Going to my brothers was different for me, as we had started doing Christmas dinner at our house, but we were invited and I didn't think I would be able to do dinner this year. All the other emotions I was dealing with was enough, not to add having to entertain on Christmas night. We had a nice time and I think we were all tired when we got home.
I called my mother-in-law to see how the rest of her day was. I felt bad, because atleast I had my mom, neice, nephew and Ryan at home with me, but I knew she was alone and we all experience the build up of Christmas and then it's over. We had a nice talk for about an hour on the phone and said we were both tired and hung up and went and got in bed with Ryan.
Last night, we all drove down to my mom's in N.C and I'm winding down from Christmas and the long drive. We did make it thru. There were a few bumps in the road and all of our hearts were heavy, but we made it! That is the most important part. I will always remember the past, but have to make new happy memories too and even though Wayne is not "physically" here, I know he is here with us in spirit and watching over us. There is nothing in the world that would keep him away from his family.
Wayne gave me the most amazing gifts in life. The amount of love Wayne gave me was like Christmas all year long and our greatest gift to each other was our son Ryan. I will continue to be thankful for the time I did have with Wayne and the wonderful task of raising our son, for the rest of my life.I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and you all have a happy New Year!
Kim
Ryan and I went to my Grandfathers and spent some time there with family. On our way, we went to the cemetery and laid roses down for Wayne. Ryan looked so handsome, his little smile just melted my heart. Seeing how big he has grown in the last year was amazing and sad at the same time. Amazing, because he is our son and sad, because Wayne is not here to see how big he is growing and experiencing how funny and wonderful he is.
I tried for hours to take a picture of him all dressed up and he wanted no part of it. He was too excited being in a new place and exploring, as all little boys do. A man came over to my Grandfather's and Ryan took to him right away. He stood there and smiled and let him take pictures of him. He wanted "Up, Up" and while it was cute, it killed me inside. Ryan often likes guys and I have to wonder if he is looking for his daddy. Unless you are in my shoes, you can't imagine how difficult that is to deal with.
We left and went to my Mother-in-laws. I had hoped I would have missed the start of dinner, but I didn't. The reason I wanted to miss the beginning was that I wasn't sure if I would be able to deal with Wayne's daughter saying Grace. I knew she was dreading saying it for days. It hit her hard and everyone ended up in tears. This was the first time in 58 years, Wayne was not at his mother's table for Christmas Eve dinner and the first time any of his children weren't with their father.
I know I talk about me and my loss all the time, but believe me, I am very aware of the wonderful man that we all lost. She started to cry and left the table. I went after her and while I was dying myself inside, I managed to try to cheer her up and re-enforce to her that Wayne wouldn't and doesn't want us to cry and that he wants us to continue on and have a wonderful holiday. (I don't know how much I believed my own advice, but I had to try to be strong for her)
We left and went back to our house and did adult presents, because we all had so much to do on Christmas. It was different and I made it thru. I love handing out presents and then I found myself there with a pile to open myself. I received wonderful and thoughtful gifts from everyone.
My neice and nephew got me a necklace with diamond chips, representing themselves and Ryan and beautiful matching earrings. My mother got me a circle of life necklace and everyone got me a necklace of a heart with a missing piece. It is the reunion necklace, for one day that I meet up with Wayne again. Well, that particular necklace made me burst out crying. The fun and laughter that usually filled our family room on Christmas Eve was muted and different.
Another difficult part was when Mickey's boyfriend opend a Christmas present from Wayne. He had started shopping earlier in the year for him and we remembered where the presents were. I think he was touched, but being the strong guy he is, he kept it inside. He liked Wayne alot! I had also found a card Wayne got for Mickey last Christmas for Ryan to give to her and we had forgotten about it and it never got signed, so when I found it, I helped Ryan sign it and told Mickey that her dad bought the card. Just the little things he left behind, touched us all on Christmas Eve.
I started to clean up from the massive amounts of wrapping paper in the living room and when I was alone, I found myself crying, but wiped my tears and told myself that I can go on!On Christmas morning, it was sad waking up without Wayne there, but I had Ryan and my neice and nephew.
We got up and went out and saw all the presents Santa had left and were so surprised! I made the mistake of giving Ryan a 20 pack of Match box cars first. He wanted nothing to do with any other presents!!!!
Again, all the excitement was over and again, I was cleaning up paper and this time, reallllllllly lost it. My neice came in and I felt so bad, but I just hugged her so hard and long and cried. I find myself crying often, but with no-one to hold me. She just let me cry and get it out. I missed Wayne so much and the pain was difficult to deal with. Like I wrote earlier, I for some reason, thought he'd be home for Christmas and he wasn't. Have you ever worked really hard to accomplish something and think, "Oh, when I'm done with this, this will happen?" Well, it hit me that I made it thru, but what I wanted, I will never have again and that I will have to do Christmas alone, for the rest of my life. Mind you I wasn't Alone, but Alone and without Wayne.
We went to my Mother-in-laws and did presents there. She and I had a minute before everyone else arrived and again, I started to cry. I dreaded driving to her house, again, knowing that this was the first year without her baby. Luckily, family started to show up, so we wiped our tears and did presents.
By this time, Ryan and I were pooped and went home and took a nap. We got up and got ready and went to my brother and sister-in-laws house for dinner. On our way, we went to the cemetery and I put down toll house cookies for Wayne and his father. (Wayne loved the cookies at Christmas)
Going to my brothers was different for me, as we had started doing Christmas dinner at our house, but we were invited and I didn't think I would be able to do dinner this year. All the other emotions I was dealing with was enough, not to add having to entertain on Christmas night. We had a nice time and I think we were all tired when we got home.
I called my mother-in-law to see how the rest of her day was. I felt bad, because atleast I had my mom, neice, nephew and Ryan at home with me, but I knew she was alone and we all experience the build up of Christmas and then it's over. We had a nice talk for about an hour on the phone and said we were both tired and hung up and went and got in bed with Ryan.
Last night, we all drove down to my mom's in N.C and I'm winding down from Christmas and the long drive. We did make it thru. There were a few bumps in the road and all of our hearts were heavy, but we made it! That is the most important part. I will always remember the past, but have to make new happy memories too and even though Wayne is not "physically" here, I know he is here with us in spirit and watching over us. There is nothing in the world that would keep him away from his family.
Wayne gave me the most amazing gifts in life. The amount of love Wayne gave me was like Christmas all year long and our greatest gift to each other was our son Ryan. I will continue to be thankful for the time I did have with Wayne and the wonderful task of raising our son, for the rest of my life.I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and you all have a happy New Year!
Kim
Grief List
Grief List
1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one's name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.
2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me, the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you, crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
3. I wish you wouldn't let my loved one die again by removing from your home their artwork, pictures or any other rememberances.
4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counselling.
5. Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.
6. I wish you knew all the crazy reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.
7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be 'cured' or a 'formerly bereaved,' but forever be 'recovering' from my bereavement.
8. I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.
9. Our loved one's birthday, the anniversary of their death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.
10. I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party, this is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have hurt before and I can heal.
11. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to 'my old self' you will stay frustrated, I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me, maybe you will still like me.
Author Unknown
DO NOT CRY FOR MY ABSENCE,
FEEL CLOSE AND STILL TALK TO ME.
I WILL LOVE YOU FROM HEAVEN AS I HAVE LOVED YOU ON EARTH.
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me...
When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not here to see...
If the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me, I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today...
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say. I know how much you love me, as much as I love you...
And each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me, too.
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand...
That Jesus came and called my name and took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready in heaven far above...
And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart...
For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.
1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one's name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.
2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me, the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you, crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
3. I wish you wouldn't let my loved one die again by removing from your home their artwork, pictures or any other rememberances.
4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counselling.
5. Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.
6. I wish you knew all the crazy reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.
7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be 'cured' or a 'formerly bereaved,' but forever be 'recovering' from my bereavement.
8. I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.
9. Our loved one's birthday, the anniversary of their death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.
10. I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party, this is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have hurt before and I can heal.
11. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to 'my old self' you will stay frustrated, I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me, maybe you will still like me.
Author Unknown
DO NOT CRY FOR MY ABSENCE,
FEEL CLOSE AND STILL TALK TO ME.
I WILL LOVE YOU FROM HEAVEN AS I HAVE LOVED YOU ON EARTH.
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me...
When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not here to see...
If the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me, I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today...
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say. I know how much you love me, as much as I love you...
And each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me, too.
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand...
That Jesus came and called my name and took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready in heaven far above...
And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart...
For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.
Annual Christmas Party
Annual Christmas Party
Well, we had our Annual Christmas party on Saturday. I was struggling for a long time, trying to decide if we should have it and how I was going to feel. This was a family tradition we started some years ago, to bring all our family and friends together and have a good time. We had our Christmas party and a Summer party.
I decided to go ahead and proceed as usual. I know that if the roles were reversed, Wayne would have had the party. He loved having family gatherings.(I do too, but he was into it more). I want to continue what Wayne and I started for Ryan to enjoy. After all, he is my main focus in life, he is my drive and my reason.
Almost everyone invited showed up and it was a nice time. I was feeling very sad and had a heavy heart as I was getting myself and Ryan ready. Wayne was always the last one showered and usually just finished getting dressed as the first guests arrived. This too, was a tradition. I was sad, waiting for him, knowing he wasn't going to be jumping out of the shower and asking me what I picked out for him to wear.
Luckily, I was able to keep busy, with so many people here. The time just flew by and before I knew it, the night was over. Everyone left and we started to clean up. I felt guilty, that I had been so busy during the party, that I didn't think about Wayne much. That kills me inside, because I never want to forget Wayne. It was difficult, glancing from room to room and not seeing his big smile looking back at me. No matter where we were, we'd always spy each other and the love in his eyes, would shoot across the room and into my heart. The love he showed my from his eyes and smile were just as powerful as a long, passionate kiss from him.
On Sunday, my brother came over and was fixing my garage door. At one point, the kids were in the way and I said, "Watch out, let Uncle Wayne get thru". I think that is the first slip of tounge that I have had.
I know this is real and that Wayne is not coming back, but somewhere inside, I think he is. I keep thinking, okay, he'll show up on Christmas Day and this will all have been some really bad reality show or something. That I will be VERY MAD that he did this to me, to us, but I would fall to my knees in happiness, just to have him back again.
Wayne was a big strong man. He was very active and never sat still. I still can't and don't understand how this happened. Why him, why now? You can not imagine how much I miss him. How lonely I am everyday without him. I know I am doing better and moving a step forward everyday, but I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, that I forget any of the past. I still can't imagine ever being as happy as I once was, agaiin.
I know that Christmas Eve and Christmas will be a struggle for me. This will be the first time in 15 years, that we are not together. I am going to make Christmas be the best I can for Ryan. He is my focus and this year, it is all about him. When I am feeling sad and down, I will give him and extra hug and a big kiss and he will keep me busy.
Thank you for reading and have a good night.Kim
Well, we had our Annual Christmas party on Saturday. I was struggling for a long time, trying to decide if we should have it and how I was going to feel. This was a family tradition we started some years ago, to bring all our family and friends together and have a good time. We had our Christmas party and a Summer party.
I decided to go ahead and proceed as usual. I know that if the roles were reversed, Wayne would have had the party. He loved having family gatherings.(I do too, but he was into it more). I want to continue what Wayne and I started for Ryan to enjoy. After all, he is my main focus in life, he is my drive and my reason.
Almost everyone invited showed up and it was a nice time. I was feeling very sad and had a heavy heart as I was getting myself and Ryan ready. Wayne was always the last one showered and usually just finished getting dressed as the first guests arrived. This too, was a tradition. I was sad, waiting for him, knowing he wasn't going to be jumping out of the shower and asking me what I picked out for him to wear.
Luckily, I was able to keep busy, with so many people here. The time just flew by and before I knew it, the night was over. Everyone left and we started to clean up. I felt guilty, that I had been so busy during the party, that I didn't think about Wayne much. That kills me inside, because I never want to forget Wayne. It was difficult, glancing from room to room and not seeing his big smile looking back at me. No matter where we were, we'd always spy each other and the love in his eyes, would shoot across the room and into my heart. The love he showed my from his eyes and smile were just as powerful as a long, passionate kiss from him.
On Sunday, my brother came over and was fixing my garage door. At one point, the kids were in the way and I said, "Watch out, let Uncle Wayne get thru". I think that is the first slip of tounge that I have had.
I know this is real and that Wayne is not coming back, but somewhere inside, I think he is. I keep thinking, okay, he'll show up on Christmas Day and this will all have been some really bad reality show or something. That I will be VERY MAD that he did this to me, to us, but I would fall to my knees in happiness, just to have him back again.
Wayne was a big strong man. He was very active and never sat still. I still can't and don't understand how this happened. Why him, why now? You can not imagine how much I miss him. How lonely I am everyday without him. I know I am doing better and moving a step forward everyday, but I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, that I forget any of the past. I still can't imagine ever being as happy as I once was, agaiin.
I know that Christmas Eve and Christmas will be a struggle for me. This will be the first time in 15 years, that we are not together. I am going to make Christmas be the best I can for Ryan. He is my focus and this year, it is all about him. When I am feeling sad and down, I will give him and extra hug and a big kiss and he will keep me busy.
Thank you for reading and have a good night.Kim
7 months ago
Wow, I can't believe it is 7 months today, that Wayne passed away. Time just keeps ticking and ticking and I haven't had a moment to really stand still and reflect on what has happened. That could be a good thing or a bad thing. Good, that I keep going and have not laid down and died.
I still miss Wayne every minute of everyday, that hasn't changed. It is getting very difficult with Christmas 2 weeks away. I think that's when I'll see a melt down inside. We so loved Christmas, being with our family and friends and most of all, each other. I don't know any other man, who put as much time and effort into Christmas, as Wayne did. He Loved Christmas very much. He loved to shop for others and just liked to go shopping and walk around and look. Not me, I have to go shopping with a purpose.
Waking up Christmas morning, without him by my side, being the first one to wish me a Merry Christmas and come out to open presents with, it going to hurt alot. I'd give up ever having another Christmas or anything, just to have him back.
....A funny story
....The first Christmas Wayne and I had together, he was working and had taken my gift to the Police Station to wrap it. It was dark out, when he walked out the station door. His police car was parked up against the curb. He had gotten me a stereo system and in was in a pretty big box. Wayne had misjudged how far he was away from the curb and stepped down, his foot got wedged between the curb and tire and lost his balance. He fell backwards onto the sidewalk. I will always remember him telling me, "God, I hope no one drives by" because here was a cop, laying flat on his back on the curb of the Police Station, with a big box on top of his chest.
Writing this now, make me laugh to think about it.It is memories like that, that turn the sadness I started out with writing this, into a moment, where I have a smile on my face. I had 15 amazing years with Wayne. 15 amazing Christmas's and now I have to contiune on having fun with our son Ryan. I know Wayne would do that for him and me, if the roles were reveresed. Anyway, just felt like writing tonight. Thanks for reading, as always.
I still miss Wayne every minute of everyday, that hasn't changed. It is getting very difficult with Christmas 2 weeks away. I think that's when I'll see a melt down inside. We so loved Christmas, being with our family and friends and most of all, each other. I don't know any other man, who put as much time and effort into Christmas, as Wayne did. He Loved Christmas very much. He loved to shop for others and just liked to go shopping and walk around and look. Not me, I have to go shopping with a purpose.
Waking up Christmas morning, without him by my side, being the first one to wish me a Merry Christmas and come out to open presents with, it going to hurt alot. I'd give up ever having another Christmas or anything, just to have him back.
....A funny story
....The first Christmas Wayne and I had together, he was working and had taken my gift to the Police Station to wrap it. It was dark out, when he walked out the station door. His police car was parked up against the curb. He had gotten me a stereo system and in was in a pretty big box. Wayne had misjudged how far he was away from the curb and stepped down, his foot got wedged between the curb and tire and lost his balance. He fell backwards onto the sidewalk. I will always remember him telling me, "God, I hope no one drives by" because here was a cop, laying flat on his back on the curb of the Police Station, with a big box on top of his chest.
Writing this now, make me laugh to think about it.It is memories like that, that turn the sadness I started out with writing this, into a moment, where I have a smile on my face. I had 15 amazing years with Wayne. 15 amazing Christmas's and now I have to contiune on having fun with our son Ryan. I know Wayne would do that for him and me, if the roles were reveresed. Anyway, just felt like writing tonight. Thanks for reading, as always.
An Empty Chair
So, tonight I went to my mother-in-laws with Ryan to see the "guys". Today was the 1st day of Shotgun season here and it is a family tradition for everyone to come in and have dinner tonight. I didn't think it would be as emotional for me, but as the time got closer to go tonight, my heart was hurting. We all have our respective places at her dinner table and Wayne had the head chair and I sat by his side. It has been this way for as long as we've been together. When I walked in and saw his chair, my eyes started to fill with tears. This was the first time I would be at his mothers and not have him sitting by my side. I wasn't sure if I could actually sit down and do it, but his cousin sat in the chair (without knowing what I was thinking) and I guess that made it a bit easier. It wasn't his brother or son sitting there, taking his place.
It's going to be 7 months on Sunday and I still can't believe that this is real. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my husband back. I miss my best friend so much. I miss knowing that I could always depend and count on Wayne. I trusted him with my life and there are very few people in the world that I have that much faith in. Wayne was the number 1 person I trusted. My heart is so lonely and I feel like he is off at war and will be home soon. I just want him to come home. I have no one to talk to, to tell how my day was and no one to make plans with. Every plan I had, has slipped thru the cracks and doesn't exist any longer. We had plans, together, as a couple, as a family. Now, I have no plans. How sad.I just want to be loved again. I want to give my love to Wayne and have our happy, fun life back.
Everyone else around me is going on with life, I guess I am too, but dragging my feet and living in the past. The past keeps me going. The past is my happiest time of life. A time in my life that I don't see being happier or having that feeling again.I am tired of people saying or thinking that because I am young, I will find another man and continue on with my life. It's not going to be that way. I love and respect Wayne so much and value what we had. I could never open my heart up like that again. I could never be loved the way Wayne loved me and anything else, would fall short and I would and will always compare to my life with Wayne to anything new. In my heart and mind, I had the best life possible. We weren't rich with money, but we were filthy rich with love and happiness and that's what matters most to me in life. That's why being without it now kills me, hurts me and makes my heart empty.I also know, that I could NEVER, have our son call another man "Daddy". Ryan has the most amazing father, who is up in heaven, watching over us everyday. I will never do that to Wayne or Ryan. Ryan will learn and know how great his father was and have wonderful happy memories of his daddy. I can play both roles of mom and dad and give Ryan a great life and that is what I plan on doing. He, is the reason I haven't completely lost my mind and gone crazy. If I didn't have Ryan, I don't know where I'd be right now. I am thankful for him, as he has made me keep going and because of him, I can not and will not give up.I know, I always write the same thing over and over, but this is life. I have lost the closest person to me in the world and he's never coming back for me.
I can't stop thinking about Wayne, as we were together for 15 incredible years and i will never stop thinking about him or missing him. Wayne made all my dreams come true. There was nothing more in the world he could have given me. His love was the greatest gift and when you lose that, it hurts real bad. I don't know how long it will take until I see some kind of happy times again. I honestly, don't think I will ever feel the contentment I had in my life and heart 7 months ago, again. How could I? Nothing will ever be the same and I will always be looking back, because I am too afraid to look forward.
It's going to be 7 months on Sunday and I still can't believe that this is real. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my husband back. I miss my best friend so much. I miss knowing that I could always depend and count on Wayne. I trusted him with my life and there are very few people in the world that I have that much faith in. Wayne was the number 1 person I trusted. My heart is so lonely and I feel like he is off at war and will be home soon. I just want him to come home. I have no one to talk to, to tell how my day was and no one to make plans with. Every plan I had, has slipped thru the cracks and doesn't exist any longer. We had plans, together, as a couple, as a family. Now, I have no plans. How sad.I just want to be loved again. I want to give my love to Wayne and have our happy, fun life back.
Everyone else around me is going on with life, I guess I am too, but dragging my feet and living in the past. The past keeps me going. The past is my happiest time of life. A time in my life that I don't see being happier or having that feeling again.I am tired of people saying or thinking that because I am young, I will find another man and continue on with my life. It's not going to be that way. I love and respect Wayne so much and value what we had. I could never open my heart up like that again. I could never be loved the way Wayne loved me and anything else, would fall short and I would and will always compare to my life with Wayne to anything new. In my heart and mind, I had the best life possible. We weren't rich with money, but we were filthy rich with love and happiness and that's what matters most to me in life. That's why being without it now kills me, hurts me and makes my heart empty.I also know, that I could NEVER, have our son call another man "Daddy". Ryan has the most amazing father, who is up in heaven, watching over us everyday. I will never do that to Wayne or Ryan. Ryan will learn and know how great his father was and have wonderful happy memories of his daddy. I can play both roles of mom and dad and give Ryan a great life and that is what I plan on doing. He, is the reason I haven't completely lost my mind and gone crazy. If I didn't have Ryan, I don't know where I'd be right now. I am thankful for him, as he has made me keep going and because of him, I can not and will not give up.I know, I always write the same thing over and over, but this is life. I have lost the closest person to me in the world and he's never coming back for me.
I can't stop thinking about Wayne, as we were together for 15 incredible years and i will never stop thinking about him or missing him. Wayne made all my dreams come true. There was nothing more in the world he could have given me. His love was the greatest gift and when you lose that, it hurts real bad. I don't know how long it will take until I see some kind of happy times again. I honestly, don't think I will ever feel the contentment I had in my life and heart 7 months ago, again. How could I? Nothing will ever be the same and I will always be looking back, because I am too afraid to look forward.
What a weekend
Wow, what a busy weekend we had. My little guy started to get sick Thursday night with a high fever and being very clingy. I felt so bad, as he couldn't tell me what was wrong and was up crying til early in the morning. He was sleepy and not himself all day Friday and the same thing Friday night.
We got up early Saturday morning and were taking my nephew to Dave and Buster's in Philly, for his 10th birthday. I had never been there and was looking forward to going. We has a surprise in store for him and he no-one knew except the adults. We had to meet everyone at my sisters houses. When we arrived, there was a black stretch limo in the driveway. His eyes perked up and and mouth droped. I told him to go see what they were doing there and they told him they were lost and turning around. A minute later, I told him to go ask if the driver needed directions. The limo driver stepped out of the car and said, "NO, I'm looking for Peter" and Pete was like "That's me" and he asked him where he wanted to go today. So, we all piled into the limo and headed off to Philly.
We had lunch at Dave and Buster's and played a ton of games. Was a pretty cool place, if you've never been. Pictures posted on my profile page. Anyway, i don't think he will ever forget his 10th birthday...
My little guy continued to be sick all night on Saturday and cried and woke up every hour. This led to mommy not getting much sleep. I took him to the Dr. today and we really think it's because he's teething. He's getting 8 teeth at one time. He's not a happy camper. Had a not so busy day today, but got a little bit of sleep while Ryan napped. My heart feels so bad, that I can't fix his pain.
Tonight is emotional for me, as tomorrow is the 1st day of Shotgun Deer hunting here. My husband lived for this week. It was a family tradition and he looked forward to it every year. It was time he spent with his brother and sons and he always wanted them to score first, before himself. His mom always makes a big dinner the Sunday night before and everyone would go in and eat. She also gets up at the crack of dawn, or before, tomorrow morning and makes the guys breakfast and then dinner tomorrow night. I know Wayne will be on everyone of their minds tomorrow morning, as he was a "Leader" and a good hunter. It was 4 days of the guys getting to hang out together. To hunt, talk about hunting and tell the same stories that have been told for 100 years.I would always keep Wayne up late tonight, talking and he'd finally go to bed at 1am and have to wake up at 3:30am to get to his mom's for breakfast. He put up with so much from me:)
I was at my sister's and told of what I just told you all and was a bit sappy and missing Wayne. As I was talking, I was helping her clean up the boys play area, when I looked up on the train table and on there, was 1 matchbox car and a plastic 10 POINT BUCK.... What are the odds??? I asked her, where did you get this, she said someone gave it to the boys for their birthday and only saw it back in August. I have NEVER seen this plastic deer before and it wasn't there all weekend. It was just that I was talking about Wayne and how much he loved Shotgun week and for me to look up and see that sitting there, was a sign, that he was there and listening. I asked if I could have it. I took it up to the cemetary on the way home tonight (that's love, a cemetery at dark) and put it on his headstone. I love you honey and wish you good shooting tomorrow. I know your'll be hunting up there, if you can and you will be watching over your family tomorrow to make sure they score.
For those of you who have not walked in my shoes, the signs I get from Wayne are amazing. I have never thought about or believed so much in signs from the afterlife, but I am living this, everyday and I know Wayne is doing everything in his power, to show me that he still exists, hears me and is with me. I can feel my best friend around me. Wayne will never leave me.
So, that was my weekend. Sick little man, spending time with my nephew and his friends and taking a stretch to Philly. Taking little man to the Dr. and trying to catch up on sleep that I missed out on Thursday and Friday night and going to a cemetery in the dark for the 1st time in my life. That's love, for a girl like me who is a big whimp.
We got up early Saturday morning and were taking my nephew to Dave and Buster's in Philly, for his 10th birthday. I had never been there and was looking forward to going. We has a surprise in store for him and he no-one knew except the adults. We had to meet everyone at my sisters houses. When we arrived, there was a black stretch limo in the driveway. His eyes perked up and and mouth droped. I told him to go see what they were doing there and they told him they were lost and turning around. A minute later, I told him to go ask if the driver needed directions. The limo driver stepped out of the car and said, "NO, I'm looking for Peter" and Pete was like "That's me" and he asked him where he wanted to go today. So, we all piled into the limo and headed off to Philly.
We had lunch at Dave and Buster's and played a ton of games. Was a pretty cool place, if you've never been. Pictures posted on my profile page. Anyway, i don't think he will ever forget his 10th birthday...
My little guy continued to be sick all night on Saturday and cried and woke up every hour. This led to mommy not getting much sleep. I took him to the Dr. today and we really think it's because he's teething. He's getting 8 teeth at one time. He's not a happy camper. Had a not so busy day today, but got a little bit of sleep while Ryan napped. My heart feels so bad, that I can't fix his pain.
Tonight is emotional for me, as tomorrow is the 1st day of Shotgun Deer hunting here. My husband lived for this week. It was a family tradition and he looked forward to it every year. It was time he spent with his brother and sons and he always wanted them to score first, before himself. His mom always makes a big dinner the Sunday night before and everyone would go in and eat. She also gets up at the crack of dawn, or before, tomorrow morning and makes the guys breakfast and then dinner tomorrow night. I know Wayne will be on everyone of their minds tomorrow morning, as he was a "Leader" and a good hunter. It was 4 days of the guys getting to hang out together. To hunt, talk about hunting and tell the same stories that have been told for 100 years.I would always keep Wayne up late tonight, talking and he'd finally go to bed at 1am and have to wake up at 3:30am to get to his mom's for breakfast. He put up with so much from me:)
I was at my sister's and told of what I just told you all and was a bit sappy and missing Wayne. As I was talking, I was helping her clean up the boys play area, when I looked up on the train table and on there, was 1 matchbox car and a plastic 10 POINT BUCK.... What are the odds??? I asked her, where did you get this, she said someone gave it to the boys for their birthday and only saw it back in August. I have NEVER seen this plastic deer before and it wasn't there all weekend. It was just that I was talking about Wayne and how much he loved Shotgun week and for me to look up and see that sitting there, was a sign, that he was there and listening. I asked if I could have it. I took it up to the cemetary on the way home tonight (that's love, a cemetery at dark) and put it on his headstone. I love you honey and wish you good shooting tomorrow. I know your'll be hunting up there, if you can and you will be watching over your family tomorrow to make sure they score.
For those of you who have not walked in my shoes, the signs I get from Wayne are amazing. I have never thought about or believed so much in signs from the afterlife, but I am living this, everyday and I know Wayne is doing everything in his power, to show me that he still exists, hears me and is with me. I can feel my best friend around me. Wayne will never leave me.
So, that was my weekend. Sick little man, spending time with my nephew and his friends and taking a stretch to Philly. Taking little man to the Dr. and trying to catch up on sleep that I missed out on Thursday and Friday night and going to a cemetery in the dark for the 1st time in my life. That's love, for a girl like me who is a big whimp.
Here Comes the Sadness
Well, here come the sad times. With Christmas less than a month away, I am already feeling the emptiness in the pit of my belly and the missing piece of my heart.We spent the whole weekend outside, putting up the Christmas decorations. It was hard work and we busted hump to do it, but we got it done. Wayne always made the outside look beautiful and I want to continue his tradition. Everyone is so excited for Christmas to come, I could care less if it came or not.
My Christmas will never be the same again. The first year I met Wayne, he brought my presents to my house and left them under the tree. I joked with him and shook a box and took some guesses. He did not like that and said it wasn't fair. From that point forward, he wouldn't even bring one present in the house for me, until Christmas Eve night. He would buy presents, take them to his mom's house and wrap them there. He always wrapped my presents in beautiful paper and handmade perfect bows. He could out wrap me anyday. His presentation was beautiful. For such a big, strong guy, he sure could wrap!
Our Christmas's were always so special between us. We enjoyed giving to everyone and he always got me something special and put his heart and great thought into it.
Wayne, on the other hand was a pain. He would always guess what I got him as his "Big gift" and was right, more times than not. Two years ago, he lost his wedding band while gutting a deer in New York State. He was very upset about that and hated not having his wedding band on. I had purchased him a new one and alot of other gifts. I gave him all his other presents and waited awhile, then gave him his new ring. He had written down a new ring and put the piece of paper away. He was always like that and it annoyed people.I did get him good awhile back. I purchased and had a enclosed landscape trailer custom built for him. He was at my house and we were doing presents. Then I had someone drive it there and park it outside after he was inside. I made a puzzle and made him follow clues all over the house and finally led him outside and he was very surprised. For once, I got him!
I will miss our Christmas traditions and we always had a Christmas party at our house for our whole family. I wasn't going to do it this year, but decided today, that he would want me to continue and he would do the same if I was gone. I am so thankful that at least we had one family Christmas together with Ryan. Ryan is why I am going thru the emotional hardship of decorating for Christmas and trying to have a nice holiday season. He is so sweet and innocent and deserves to have and make happy memories.I miss Wayne so very much. I feel him around me, I know he's here. I just want to have one more day with him. There is so much I don't know, so much he could teach me, but as we accomplish the tasks at hand, I look back and smile and say to myself, He did teach me and I paid attention. I felt a sense of pride, after we got the outside decorated. It looks beautiful.
As we decorated our tree last night, I was not into it at all. We always put our tree up Thanksgiving weekend, watched movies and decorated the house. I have no other decorations out yet. I have more Christmas stuff than I have room for!!! This is going to be a hard month for me. The holidays are supposed to be spent and enjoyed with the ones you love and the love of my life is no longer here with me. I know I have Ryan here and I am thankful, but the love I have for our son and the love I have for my husband are so completely different. It's lonely and sad not having the love of your life by your side, to share with and make memories with.
Thanks for bearing with me, I'm sure there will be many more unhappy thoughts for me this month. Be thankful for the husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend that is by your side. Even if you sometimes disagree or whatever, be thankful, because life could change in an instant. Be sure that the ones you love know it, everyday. I am blessed with the fact that I knew how much Wayne loved me and that he knew how much I loved him.
That knowledge will last me a lifetime with a smile in my heart.
My Christmas will never be the same again. The first year I met Wayne, he brought my presents to my house and left them under the tree. I joked with him and shook a box and took some guesses. He did not like that and said it wasn't fair. From that point forward, he wouldn't even bring one present in the house for me, until Christmas Eve night. He would buy presents, take them to his mom's house and wrap them there. He always wrapped my presents in beautiful paper and handmade perfect bows. He could out wrap me anyday. His presentation was beautiful. For such a big, strong guy, he sure could wrap!
Our Christmas's were always so special between us. We enjoyed giving to everyone and he always got me something special and put his heart and great thought into it.
Wayne, on the other hand was a pain. He would always guess what I got him as his "Big gift" and was right, more times than not. Two years ago, he lost his wedding band while gutting a deer in New York State. He was very upset about that and hated not having his wedding band on. I had purchased him a new one and alot of other gifts. I gave him all his other presents and waited awhile, then gave him his new ring. He had written down a new ring and put the piece of paper away. He was always like that and it annoyed people.I did get him good awhile back. I purchased and had a enclosed landscape trailer custom built for him. He was at my house and we were doing presents. Then I had someone drive it there and park it outside after he was inside. I made a puzzle and made him follow clues all over the house and finally led him outside and he was very surprised. For once, I got him!
I will miss our Christmas traditions and we always had a Christmas party at our house for our whole family. I wasn't going to do it this year, but decided today, that he would want me to continue and he would do the same if I was gone. I am so thankful that at least we had one family Christmas together with Ryan. Ryan is why I am going thru the emotional hardship of decorating for Christmas and trying to have a nice holiday season. He is so sweet and innocent and deserves to have and make happy memories.I miss Wayne so very much. I feel him around me, I know he's here. I just want to have one more day with him. There is so much I don't know, so much he could teach me, but as we accomplish the tasks at hand, I look back and smile and say to myself, He did teach me and I paid attention. I felt a sense of pride, after we got the outside decorated. It looks beautiful.
As we decorated our tree last night, I was not into it at all. We always put our tree up Thanksgiving weekend, watched movies and decorated the house. I have no other decorations out yet. I have more Christmas stuff than I have room for!!! This is going to be a hard month for me. The holidays are supposed to be spent and enjoyed with the ones you love and the love of my life is no longer here with me. I know I have Ryan here and I am thankful, but the love I have for our son and the love I have for my husband are so completely different. It's lonely and sad not having the love of your life by your side, to share with and make memories with.
Thanks for bearing with me, I'm sure there will be many more unhappy thoughts for me this month. Be thankful for the husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend that is by your side. Even if you sometimes disagree or whatever, be thankful, because life could change in an instant. Be sure that the ones you love know it, everyday. I am blessed with the fact that I knew how much Wayne loved me and that he knew how much I loved him.
That knowledge will last me a lifetime with a smile in my heart.
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