Please come home...

Dear Wayne,I can't even find the right words to write to you. It has been 5 months today since you left and I miss you more than anything or anyone I've ever missed before. You are my best friend in the whole world and I am so lost and lonely without you here. I still haven't taken a day to break down and cry since you've gone. I wake up each morning and try my best to be strong and pretend your'll be coming home soon.We had so many plans and so many things to do. We had plans for tomorrow and our future. It is still so unbelieveable that you left as suddenly as you did. No-one saw your departure coming.You are my strong, loving and gentle husband. You make me feel safe and secure with your confident smile and inviting eyes. Your strong hand on the small of my back makes me feel like a Princess and so safe and loved. We could always finish each others sentence or know what the other was thinking before we said it. I know I could be a PITA, but I'm your PITA and I know you enjoyed it.I have so much to tell you since you've been gone. I know you see the pain I've been going through, so I won't go into detail. I am trying my best to continue on as you would and do the things you do. I've learned to cut the grass and pretty well I must say. I have cut down trees, drained the pool, refilled the pool, fixed the toilet, cleaned out the fireplace, hung sheetrock and laid down sod in the back yard by the garage window. I am also trying to be the best mom I can be to Ryan. It is very difficult being alone without a partner now. Sometimes Ryan gets into a tantrum and I wish you were here to help out with them. I need to walk away sometimes and I can't.Ryan has learned so much since you left. He is walking now and climbing on everything. He has the biggest smile and laughs outloud at things that he thinks are funny and that I don't. He is starting to talk and has a good vocabulary. I use to be able to pretend I was crying and he would come running and hug me. Now, he does it to me. He likes to imitate whatever someone does. He has to close the door whenever I let the dogs out or he gets mad. He has made a home of one of the cabinets in the kitchen. He takes out the tupperware and climbs in, closes the door and waits for me to ask "Where's Ryan?" Ryan loves car-cars, ball-ball and DEER! He sees a deer out by the pool and goes crazy. He stands in the window and calls them. Ryan also loves to throw everything into the fireplace. Mickey will take him out to his car and he sits there and blows the horn and laughs. Ryan is growing up so fast and it kills me more than anyone could ever know, that you aren't here to see and enjoy it. I have seen him give glances back at me and I swear they are yours. I also say his stubborness is yours too. Oh yeah, when I need to do something in the kitchen, Ryan loves to play in the fridge, so I just let him go at it. He's not too into toys, it's everything else he's not supposed to have that he loves.I try so hard to be the best parent I can be for Ryan. I so wish I was gone instead of you. I know you could teach Ryan more than I ever can. You know alot more things related to a boy and becoming a man than I do. I will do everything I can to teach Ryan about you and how much you love him. How you couldn't stand to be away from us.Wayne, I feel so empty inside without you. My heart hurts so bad and I can't make the pain go away. I would give anything in the world, including my own life, to have 1 more day with you. Losing your best friend is the biggest pain I think anyone can go through. I know you would be further along than I am, if the rolls were reversed. You would be back to work and living life. I can't stop living in the past. Everywhere I go, I think of you and think "Oh, we were here" or "we did this". Everytime I go around the circle, I think of getting pulled over with the roadblock and you pulled up on your way to work, shook your head, laughed and drove off... leaving me there with all those cops.Tonight is the 1st night I am up, sitting in the kitchen alone and everyone else is in bed. I haven't sat out here once since you left, alone. I also took Ryan to Tiff's today and Dana watched him for 2 1/2 hours. The first time I have left him to go and do errands. I had to go buy a new dryer today and they scammed me at Home Depot for a cord and lint thingy. I had to pay $20.00 extra!!! If you were here, I wouldn't have had to buy it because you could hook it up. God Wayne, I ache so much. I hate being alone and not having you here to laugh with and cuddle with. I even wouldn't have minded all your yelling while the Yankees blew it in the playoffs. They played like crap and got spanked. I learned how to blow the leaves out of the yard with the mower yesterday and it sucks. I don't know how you did all that work out there and I never heard you complain AND you did all your customers yards too.Well my sweet love, my eyes and fingers are tired and Ryan will still get up early in the morning. I pray every night for you to come and take me on a date in my dreams. I have seen you a few times, but you never talk to me. Please know that your visits mean so very much to me. As each day ends, I know that it gets me one more day closer to being with you again. When it is my time to go, I pray you will be the 1st person I see and we will be able to spend eternity together.One life, One love..... Until we meet again.Please come home soon.......I love you, always and forever!!! Kim

Today was difficult!

I'm not sure exactly why, but today was difficult for me. I was busy doing things and Ryan was being watched by a friend. I suddenly got that "tunnel hearing" inside my head and thought of Wayne. I thought back to about a month or so prior to his passing, he had said he heard a "swishing" sound in his ear. I didn't pay to much attention to it and just figured it was like the "tunnel hearing" you sometimes get. About a week or less before his passing, he complained of an ear ache. The first I have ever heard of from him in all our 15 years together.
I guess today it hit me again, that had I made him go to the doctor for his check up and to have them look into his blocked artery, I could have possibly prevented his passing. I was too selfish and not a good partner. I should have listend harder and thought about the slow block they said he had going on.

I broke down and cried infront of my 9 year old nephew and felt so bad. I know this is tough on him too and I just lost it for a few minutes and it has stayed inside me all day and still now.I guess I always thought of Wayne as being invinsible, that nothing could or would happen to him. It's going to be 5 months on Tuesday and I still miss him so badly. I just want him to come home. I want to see his eyes, his smile and kiss him. I want him to wrap his strong arms around me and give me a big Wayne hug. The kind where I feel so safe, loved and secure. I miss having someone love me. I miss hearing "I Love You". I miss being touched, tickled and poked. I miss our "Who can lay down first" backrub sessions. Wow, writing tonight is really tough. As I sit here alone and type, I have streams of tears rolling down my face. I'm so scared, alone and afraid! If only..... kills me. I'll never know. I'll never know if I made him go to the doctor, could this have been prevented. I'll never know if I did all I could that night.

I manage to wake up and go thru each day and try to be happy for Ryan, but I still feel so numb inside. I try not to discuss it too much with my family now, as I'm sure they have heard enough during these last 5 months. They have no idea how alone and sad I am inside! How every square inch in our house is filled with memories. How I walk into a room and think of we did this or we did that. Our house feels so cold and empty to me now. I am usually a like to stay at home and hibernate type of girl in the Winter and it was fun with Wayne. We LOVED to take naps for an hour or two and stay up late each night just haning out with each other. It's the time of year I go into a funk and it is quickly approaching again now and this time, I'll have to face it alone.

Hunting season has started and I see deer all over the place. I know he would be out there looking for his "bullwinkle".Wayne was a patient hunter. He would wait and wait and go days and days, just to get the perfect buck. I didn't care too much for hunting, but it was his passion and I tried to be as into it as one could be. His empty deer stand is in the woods outside our bedroom window and when I look out and see it, empty, I am sad, but it is going to remain there. This Wayne and that was his spot!

This blog has gone from okay, to balling tears, to wiping my tears to tell you how awesome Wayne was. an emotionally up and down 10 minutes...
Okay, I best quit while I'm ahead tonight. Thank you for reading. Have a nice weekend...

Kim