Sunday, July 01, 2007

On this date

Two years ago today, I was chasing Wayne around. He was booked on a flight to my Mom's and because of the holiday weekend, his flight was cancelled, he had to go to a diffrenent airport and make a connection. What should have been a 1 hr. flight, lasted him all day long, but he kept up with what was going on, so he could get to be with Ryan and I. We kept calling back and forth on our cell phones and I was going to one airport and had to turn around and go to another to pick him up. I remember being uneasy, going to an airport I've never been to before, but when I got to the arrival area and saw his big smile waiting for me, I was so happy to be with him again. I was the first time Ryan and I were away from him for a few days, so being a family again, was heart warming.

Ryan has become a water bug these last two days. He has no fear of the water and with his little swim outfit on, he's in the pool and swimming around oll on his own. I am so very proud of him, but in the pit of my stomach, I ache, ache that Wayne is not here to see him doing his "thing". Every accomplishment Ryan has made since Wayne's passing, gives me that icky feeling. I am angry that he can't be here to watch his little boy grow up. But I do know that he is watching down over us.

Man, how time flies. Two years ago, Ryan was 1 month old. I was waiting for Wayne to arrive and for him to see his Little Man and have a fun holiday weekend as a family. We did. Last year, I was away with Ryan and it was tough, missing Wayne and loning for him to be silly with me in the pool, Let me wrap my legs around him and he'd walk me around the pool, whispering sweet nothings into my ear, hugging and kissing me. (I'm a whimp with cold water, so if he carried me around, I wouldn't get my belly cold) I couldn't believe that my family wasn't together anymore. Today, the same. I watched with a smile on my face as Ryan showed me how brave he is and bit my lip with sadness. Still angry and ticked off, that here I am, forced to do this on my own. It's not what I signed up for. I signed on to have a family, my husband, our son.

We've talked alot about Wayne during the last few days and the great fun times we all had. Never letting his spirit be forgotten. I don't think that will ever happen, atleast not on my part!

So, wow, I feel better getting this off my chest. I haven't written since the one year anniversary of his passing. Every season is hard without Wayne here. At least it's Summer now and we can be out and about and have fun, best we can. Make due with what cards we've been dealt. I made a promise on his one year anniversary of his passing, that I would try to enjoy life a little bit more, for the kids sake. They all deserve it and it's up to me to make that happen. My pain and lonliness of losing Wayne will Never go away and never gets Easier, but I have to do the best that I can for the present and our future and always remember the past. The past makes us who we are today.


Thursday, May 10, 2007

A year ago today....

My life was normal, happy and I had everything I wanted. It was a beautiful sunny day like today and I played with Ryan, as I am doing today. Wayne was already out working and we didn't get to chat in the morning.

I was on cloud 9. Life was perfect and we were the most happy family. We had everything we wanted and dreamed of, we were a family. Even if times were tough, we were still happy, because we got thru whatever came our way together. This was the last "normal" day of my old life. The last time my heart felt true happiness, the last day my heart was whole and I was complete. The last day we would be a family.

I can't believe this day is here already and a year has passed. I still remember everything as if it were yesterday. I still wish that this has been a horrible nightmare and I will wake up soon and find that Wayne is still with us and God didn't take him from his family. Wake up and have my heart smile from happiness again, wake up and not feel all alone, wake up and wait to see Wayne walk thru the door and smile at us and give us bigs hugs and kisses. But, that is never going to happen again.

They say "that time heals all wounds!" I do not believe that is true. I can't imagine how the massive wound of losing my husband will ever truly heal. When you love someone and they are taken away from you, are you supposed to forget about them? Forget the life you had with them? How could you possibly do that? I will forever long for the wonderful happy times we had together. I will forever remember the amazing fun and tough times we had together.

I will never forget the way Wayne smiled, the way he would raise his "cop" eyebrows at me and be like..."Now what?". The touch of his strong hand on the small of my back, the way he would whisk my hair away from my neck and softly kiss the back of my neck. Wayne was a very loving and passionate man, probably more of a romantic than me.(it's sad, but true)It will be one year tonight that I lost my best friend and let me tell you , it Ain't any easier. It is more bearable, but the loss I feel and the sadness of not spending every minute of everyday with him has not lessened. My constant support system, right or wrong, he backed me. He loved my quirks and I his.

We were two peas in a pod and once your pod is broken, you can never replace that. I am further along than I imagined and that is to the support and love of my family and friends. They pitch in and help out when they can. They listen to me tell atleast one story of Wayne everyday. I can not and will not stop talking about it, I will not let him be forgotten. I talk about him to Ryan everyday, he needs to know how awesome and good his daddy was. I want him to be able to feel who he is/was inside of him and know how much he is/was loved by his daddy.

And even though I am doing my best to carry on everyday and give Ryan a great life, it is still scary doing things on my own. Not having your "Rock" here to discuss choices with and what their outcome may be. I try to make choices for that I know Wayne would be proud of and choices that Ryan will look back upon and and be proud me for making.

I've been writing this all day long. Now it's night time and I am laying in bed watching t.v. At 10:12pm last year on this date, life was perfect. I was playing a game on the computer with my Mom and Wayne was doing some paper work. I remember him asking me how to answer a question and I gave him my thoughts and he smiled big back at me. I can close my eyes and see his smile and remember the warmth I felt inside.

Pretty soon, we'd be getting ready for bed. We were watching Law & Order. (I have not been able to watch it since) We didn't chat much in bed, just kind of watched the show. I feel very empty, especially tonight. Our perfect life came to a crashing end in about an hour and a half from now. I saw my best friend pass away before my eyes and couldn't do anything to save him.

Have you ever faced a situation like that? How can I not question all the time IF I did all that I could, IF I reacted fast enough. I somehow knew, I knew that when the rescue squad got here, he was gone and because they didn't rush him out of here to the hospital, I knew it wasn't good. I never screamed. My dad took me to the hospital and drove slow, I knew he knew it wasn't good either, but he told me to be positive. I was the last of the family to arrive and saw my family in a room in the emergency room, their faces all blank. I felt that tingle inside my body and knew for sure that I was all alone now. That I was left alone to raise Ryan.

The Dr. came in and told me he didn't make it. I was numb inside, not wanting to believe that my hero was gone. They asked if I wanted to see him and of course I did. He was already in a gown and looked like he was sleeping. My dad came with me and we sat there, as I stroked his hair and talked to him. Rubbed my hand up and down his strong arms that he always held me with, touched his chest that I always layed my head on. He looked so peaceful, he looked like nothing was wrong. I didn't want to leave, but I knew that he was gone and I had to get home to our little boy. Nothing I could do or say would bring him back. And that was it, I was a widow with an 11 month old son at 33 years old. Not exactly where I had thought I would be at this point in my life. I never EVER thought that Wayne would pass at such a young age. I would joke with hm that he better be nice to me, because I was going to take care of him in his older years and ........

I will continue to love Wayne for the rest of my life. He is/was the love of my life. I waited along time for the everything to be right for us to be together. It was worth the wait.

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance.



Wednesday, March 07, 2007

My life started to change and year ago today and I didn't know it.

A year ago today, my life was going to start to change and I was unaware of just how much. I've had some family issues that I/we have been dealing with for the last year. I won't go into that, but I so have to blog tonight.

I can remember with a clear head, that Wayne and my mom flew to Florida a year ago tomorrow, to purchase a car for Ryan. Yes, Wayne and I found a Mustang GT in Florida and said we (he and Ryan) would tinker with it and when Ryan turned driving age, it would be his car. This is one lucky boy, he was 8 months old and getting a real car. A car Mommy liked too and looked forward to driving on sunny days. Wayne knew I always wanted one, so he was really easy to convince. He liked it so much, he said we'd keep it for us and get Ryan another one:)

I can remember dates from last year as if they were happening right now. I know what and when we did things, where we went and who we were with. As I watch each day pass on the calendar, I am getting sad and scared. Scared that once May 10th comes, I will have no more memories of Wayne. I have spent the last 10 months, remembering what happened "A year ago today" and time is passing by so fast. Does that make sense? Tomorrow, I can say, "Last year, on this day....." and in 2 months, I will run out of memories.

I can't believe that Friday night will be 10 months since Wayne passed away. I can express enough, how much this seems like a horrible nightmare and I so desperatly want to wake up from it. I want Wayne to come home everyday, I want this hole in my heart to mend and the daily pain I feel inside to go away. I look around everyday and can tell you everything Wayne and I did to our house, what he did, what I helped do. I look and see things that need to be done and wonder how I'm going to do these things, I wonder where things are, where Wayne put them.

Death is so sad, in every circumstance, but a bit harder in my eyes when its sudden and there is no closure. There was never a good-bye!I often tell myself that Wayne was blessed and had an easy passing, if it "HAD" to be his time. He was at home in our bed and we were together. It really was fast, but seemed like eternity to everyone who was here and saw it happening in front of us and it was the most helpless feeling I think I will ever experience in my lifetime. Waiting for the EMT's to arrive seemed like forever and all of our lives were changing in front of our faces.

I am thankful that Wayne wasn't sick, in pain or hurt in an accident. I often think that he could have gone out mowing on Wednesday and say he was hooking up his trailer in the driveway and it happened and I was playing with Ryan and he collapsed in the driveway and was alone and I could have found him out there. There are so many scenerios that could have taken place. I am still not happy with God for taking him, but am thankful that he wasn't alone.I think I need to strart working on trying to heal myself. I am still dealing with survivors guilt all the time. Maybe this feeling will never fully go away, but it's so difficult to enjoy life without Wayne. I spent 15 years with him, so I don't remember doing things alone. I was younger than and didn't have the responsibilities I have now, nor have a baby. I think once the weather gets nice again and Ryan and I can go outside more, it might help. Fresh air is always good.

Ryan is now 21 months old and I can't believe he'll be 2 in June. I love his so much and tell him about daddy everyday. Tell me that wouldn't kill you. Look into your childs eyes and tell them Daddy loves you and is watching over us. I kiss Ryan everynight 2 times. The first kiss is ALWAYS from Wayne and I say, "That's from Daddy, he says he loves you and Good night Little Buddy" and then I kiss him again and say "That's from Mommy and Daddy, we love you sooo much". Just because Wayne isn't physically here, I will continue to do as we did everynight before bed and tell him so much about Wayne. I pray for the day that Ryan points and says Daddy, that he can see him. They say that children are more in key with seeing someone who has passed, because their minds aren't clouded by what can and can't be's.

I am proud of the person I am. I wouldn't wish anyone to walk in my shoes. I am bless with the knowledge of the love Wayne and I shared and know that he is proud of the choices I am making. It has been a difficult 10 months, but I am further along than I thought I would be. I would do anything to have "OUR" life back and trade in this lonely road anyday.

I am so thankful for my family and friends support. I would not have made it this far without them. I am especailly thankful to my Mom. She has always been my friend, but has really given so much of her time and has been here for us. She's always here to listen to me, even if I say the same things over and over, she tells me it will get better. I love her so much.

I am thankful to my Dad, as he wrote to me that his heart was breaking, having to watch his little girl deal with such a hugh tragedy and he couldn't fix it. This tragedy has made us closer.I love him so much.

I am thankful to my sister, as I spent every weekend for months on end at her house and we envaded her family and made messes and she smiled and kept inviting us back.I love her and her family.

I am thankful that my brother has gotten more involved in our lives, even though it was for sad circumstances. I love him.

I am thankful for K & P. If it weren't for you two, I don't think I/we would be as far along and doing as well as we are doing. I will never be able to thank you enough for your support, love and shoulders. I love them both so much.

I am thankful for Mimi, for her everday support. She is a constant and I can't thank her enough for her support in her time of pain too. I wish I could take her pain away. I love her.

I am thankful for Dink and Bubba, as they are two wonderful shy guys and help out whenever I call. I also wish I could heal their pain. I love them alot.

I am thankful to my mother-in-law. She will always listen to me and I know it has to be so painful for her, listening to my pain while dealing with her own pain of losing her baby boy. I love you M-M.

To my friends who call and visit and write and are just there to listen, I am forever thankful. I hate being alone and Michelle, you are just a phone call and an hour drive away. You have always been the bestest girlfriend ever

.Wow, feel like I just wrote in my yearbook. I always try to say Thank you and tell everyone how much their kindness means, but here it is in writing, for the whole world to see.

Okay, now I feel better than when I started. It's funny how emotions change from minute to minute.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Emotions are like the ocean.

One day I'm doing fine and then at the sight of Wayne's coat hanging by the garage door, I choked up. I stare loving at his casual dress jacket and think to myself, "This isn't real." Come home Honey, come back now, I miss you so much.

I find myself taking baby steps and then I see something like that and it really kicks me in the butt and reality once again hits and tells me that he's not coming back, I'm alone! Like I've always written, I know he's gone, but my heart doesn't tell me that. I wonder if I'll really ever accpet his passing. Maybe it's natures way of not letting me have a complete melt down. I miss Wayne so very much. Not a morning, afternoon or evening goes by that I don't think of him and things we've done together. Last night, we started chatting about some of our funny stories, things that we did or happened to us and we were all rolling and laughing so hard, our sides hurt. It made me smile and I was happy to remember things I hadn't thought about in awhile.

You know when you work so hard for something and you know what the goal is in the end? That's how I'm living life now, waiting for Wayne to come back and be proud of what I have accomplished. I often think this is a bad reality show and after a month, I thought he'd come home, at Christmas, I thought he'd come home and I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I think, maybe he'll come home on the 1 year anniversary, which is in May. It's so unreal to me that my strong husband didn't make it, that God didn't give him a chance. The chance you hear so many others get. While I would be ELATED and happier than any moment in my life, for him to come back to us, I have thought "Wow" my prayers have been answered then there is a part of me that says, "Oh God, that means I'll have to go thru this all over again one day". Don't take my writing wrong, I would take my best friend back for 1 day if I could. I sometimes go to bed at night and pray, please let me wake up and it it's any day in January 2006 and this didn't happen or I have the knowledge of what could happen and get him to the Doctors for a complete check-up and try to prevent the future from coming true.

Life is so lonely without Wayne. I am living, but it will never be the same!I miss my best friend with all of my heart. No amount of time can ever take that away. People think since it's been 9 months, I should start feeling better. I was never sick! I didn't lose a watch, break a glass, or make a bad choice I regret, I lost my best friend in the whole world. I lost my world!!!!!! I wake up everyday and know he's not here to smile at me, laugh at me, poke fun of me or hear him say I Love You and know he means it from the bottom of his heart. I would so much more have rathered he fell out of love with me and we seperated, at least he'd still be here. Still be here for me to call and ask questions, lean on, trust and be here be with Ryan. I am not the type of person that has feelings and wish pain or terrible things upon any person. I never wanted Wayne to have an ounce of pain for any reason, emotional or any other kind. I am so sad that he lost his life when he was so happy and had so many hopes and dreams to fullfill. I have to wonder what God was thinking when he decides to take someone.

Well, thanks for reading. I just had to vent some of my emotions today. Like my heading says, Emotions are like the ocean. One minute the tide is out and your getting by, but without knowing it, a big wave can knock you off your feet and make you think. Well, today I'm thinking.


Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Almost 9 months.

So, the 9th will be 9 months since Wayne left. I can't believe that much time has elapsed. In one respect, it seems I have been without him a lifetime, in another, I can remember that night so vividly, like it just happened. It still makes no sense to me, why he had to go now. I still think he is coming home and I'm just doing what I am supposed to do until he gets back. Keeping the hosue clean, organizing the 1,000 toys Ryan has and pull out 20 times a day and cleaning up and getting rid of clutter. It still doesn't seem real to me. The last year of my life is not what I expected it to be. The great joy we had with our son and as a family, yes, but so much other stuff has happened and I'm in a whole different world. Life really does change in an instant, but LOVE never dies.

I had a glimmer of hope in trying to communicate with Wayne on Friday. I had gone on to Oprah's website last week and for giggles, filled out a form about wanting to communicate with a deceased loved one. Well, on Friday night, my cell rang with a number I didn't know. It was a producer from the show and we chatted awhile and he wanted me to send pictures of us and tell him about the amazing signs I have had from Wayne. The show is going to have on mediums. I was so hoping I would make it, but I didn't. The producer called me the other night at like 10pm and I was very surprised by his personal touch and kindness. He didn't have to call me or even e-mail me back, but he said he wanted to call personally before he went home. We chatted a bit and had a few laughs. I was very impressed by this, as I'm sure most of the "show biz" people don't work that way and I'm sure he talks to 10,000 hopefulls a day. The time must not have been right.

Well, that's about all I have in me for tonight. Kind of tired and the cold is horrible. Can't wait for it to atleast hit 20 degrees. Then I can bust out the suntan lotion and bikini.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

A strange, but nice feeling.

Today was a good and bad day. I took Ryan to my sisters house so he could play with his cousins and I could get some things done around here. As usual, on my way home, alone, I start to get sad and think about Wayne. I hate not having him here to talk to, to laugh with and just have my best friend by my side. I discovered something about myself and the feelings I am having. I'm not sure if it's a real thing, but I have to call it "Survivor Guilt". I believe I have survivors guilt, as I am so upset that Wayne is gone. Angry that he was taken at such a young age and in the prime of his life. He was so happy and in love. It is true, that he busted his hump all the time and could never sit still, be he was living his life the way he wanted to.

I am not allowing myself to move forward, because I am heartbroken that he is gone and his life here, is over. How can I be happy when he is not here? How can I be happy, knowing that I will never wake up with him again, I will never fall asleep in his arms again and he won't be here for the most important, everyday stuff. So, now that I have made this discovery, I have to figure out how to act upon it and what I am supposed to do with this knowledge. When I figure out my next steps, I will let you know.

As for the heading of my blog tonight; I took Ryan to bed and he was very calm, there was a strangeness about him. He layed on his side of the bed and I proped up a smaller pillow on top of the regular pillow, so he could drink his ba and fall asleep. He first put his one arm behind his head and layed there watching t.v. He looked like Wayne laying there, watching t.v. Then, he kind of rolled over and started to wipe my eyes, as if I were crying. He was so gentle and wiped one eye, then the other and continued to do so for about a minute or two. Then, he layed his arm out and wanted me to put my head on his arm and little chest and snuggle, he grabed my other arm and litteraly, had my put it across his chest and belly. Almost exactly how I would cuddle up with Wayne. Ryan was so calm and it was such a strange feeling. Almost as if Wayne was guiding him to do this. At one point, I looked at him and he just layed there, staring at me. This lasted for about five minutes.(the staring) I'm not sure what happened, but inside, it made me feel like Wayne was around, that he heard me talking to him today and the sweet gentle touches from Ryan were via him.

Well, that's all I have for you tonight. Actually, pretty tired. We seem to keep busy so much during the week, that I am ready for bed by 6pm each night.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Another sign from above...

Laugh, call me crazy, but I have to believe Wayne had a hand in it.

I have been debating for months now, if I should buy a new laptop. Wayne and I had discussed it prior to his passing and he said I could get this one computer I have been drooling over. I never ordered it.

I asked Wayne this morning, if it was okay with him if I went and got a new laptop. It wasn't the one I really wanted, but it would do the trick. I was a less expensive computer. I asked him, "If it is okay with you that I go buy a laptop today, have my mom call me by 10:30am". It was like 10:10am and 10:30am came and went with no phone call.

I had some errands to do and on my way home, I thought, I'm going to just run up to Best Buy and "look" at what they have available. When we went into the store and rounded the corner to the computer department, there was not one laptop in the whole store. Not one on display, not one in the back, not one to be sold in the whole store.

I could not believe my eyes or my luck. I have to believe that this was Wayne's way of telling me "Told you No, don't ya' listen?" Either he really didn't want me to get a laptop today or doesn't want me to get something less than what I really wanted. Still waiting for a sign from in with the "reason".

But honestly, what are the odds of walking into a store known for selling computers and there was not one available? Seriously and honestly... There wasn't even a stinkin' picture of a laptop to be found. I took that as my sign and went home.

On Oprah

Well, I'm watchng Oprah and kind of disagree with her today, or the people who are on the show. She is saying that you can't expect your partner, to complete you. I disagree.

Maybe Wayne and I were just lucky. He truly did complete me, the parts that were not whole, became whole, with him in my life. I have to believe the same with me to him.

Our marriage was very special. When I look around at others I know or watch shows, I am surprised. Wayne and I were best friends. From the moment we met until the day he died, we enjoyed each other so much.

In 15 years, we were still teaching each other things and learning about and with each other. Not one day went by, that I would rather do something else, than be with Wayne. We stayed up late, having fun, talking, remembering our beginning, enjoying our present and we made each other whole.

I know we both were not Saints, but we had a wonderful, special and unique relationship. Despite our age difference, we were two peas in a pod. We were addicted to each other. We had so much fun together, even if we were doing nothing.We both had our flaws and worked on them together or accepted each other for who we were.

Wayne was my strength. He was my sunshine, my moon light and everything in between.

If he was changing the blades on his mower, I would sit outside and chat with him. If he was cutting the grass, I would sit on the porch and watch and give an occasional "flash" as he came near. If he was stacking firewood on the porch, I would help. If he was cleaning the garage, I'd have him put the ready heater on and warm it up and go out and keep him company. And as for as many things that I can think of, being with him while he had things to do, he loved me in the same way back.

We had to most special relationship possible. I know I will never have that again. A great love only happens once in a lifetime. I am thankful for the fond and amazing memories I have in my heart and mind. Wayne touched my soul and became part of who I was. Thank you.

He loved and accepted my being anal, my "10 more mintues" in the morning, my "Honey, can you do this", my "I have an idea" and any other crazy thing that came out of my mouth. He could care less if I put makeup on each day, fixed my hair or made sure the laundry was done. There was always tomorrow..... So we thought!

I know it is because of the strong love we shared and the strength Wayne gave me, that keeps me going each day. Keep going for our son. He would be so mad at me if I just gave up and wasn't the best parent I could be to Ryan.

The void in my heart will never mend, but I have to hope that I will find the right mix of not having to let go of the past, but be able to embrace the future. That I will find the "who I am now" and be happy with that and be able to give Ryan and I, the best life possible.

Grief turning to anger

I find that the grief I have, is turning into anger. Don't get me wrong, I still miss Wayne with all of my heart, but I am down right ticked off with what has happened. I am angry that God took a man, who was happy, away from his family. An honest, hardworking man, who always did the right thing. I am angry because the plans we had will never happen now.

I am not happy with my "new" life. It is boring and I am just living day to day. The "old" me is gone forever and I just want our old life back. I want to wake up and be happy, not have this big chunk of my heart missing. I want to wake up and not worry about what new challanges I will have to face alone. Wayne was my rock, he was always there for me. I could always depend on him. Sometimes he looked out for me better than I did for myself.

It has been a long, hard last 8 months. I wish everyday, that this was just a bad nightmare or some type of reality show. I still can't comprehend everything that has happened. I still can't believe that he is gone. I carry on each day, waiting for him to come home. Waiting for this to be over and go back to normal.

I am angry, that he is not here to see Ryan grow, laugh, run, hop "prance", laugh out loud, yell at the dogs, watch the deer, yell "shut the door", ride his quad.... I'm pissed off. It's just not fair. He was so in love with his little boy and his other children and family. He was such a hard working person, too hard at times. Why did God take him, why now? Why leave me here alone with our baby. Our child needs his daddy.

I recently had Ryan stand at the foot of the bed before nite nite and he put his hands together and says "nite, nite Daddy... Love you" THAT KILLS ME!!!!!

I am filled with memories of our life together daily and I don't want to go forward. My past, our past, was the best part of my life. I feel like I have missed out on Ryan's last 8 months of life. In May, I would hold him and he'd fall asleep, now he's a big boy and doesn't need mom's help with that. In that respect, I've blinked and Ryan is getting bigger, each time I open my eyes.

I don't know when or if I'm going to feel better. I can't see that I will. I can just make the pain of losing Wayne go away. I don't want to let anyone new in my life. I know I should be making new friends and doing things, but I don't want to. I'm sure people are tired of hearing me talk about what happened, but how can I stop? It consumes me daily. I am reminded that I am alone, daily. I am reminded daily, that Wayne is never coming back for us. He'll never be there again for me to talk to, laugh with, ask questions, ask for help and most important, to love and have fun with.

So, when I put this all together, I'm one ticked off person. I am in a place I never imagined myself in at this point of my life. I am tired of "being" strong and keeping a brave face on all the time. My life sucks right now and you can't imagine how much my heart aches, unless you are in my shoes. The void I have, not having my best friend by my side daily is in my face reality. I would do anything to bring Wayne back. I would give anything for just one more day. One day to have closure, one day to say goodbye.

His passing was the most unexpected event that I could have ever imagined in my life. I often wonder, how Wayne would be dealing with this, if the roles were reversed. I think he would be in a better place than I am. He always had things to do and would keep himself busy. I know he would miss me, but I have to believe he would find a way to be happy again. I'll never know.

Anyway, I'm sure this blog doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I have a million thoughts going thru my head right now and am just writing as I think it.Well, I guess that's about all I have for tonight.

Thank you for reading.....