Sunday, December 31, 2006

A sign from above

A sign from above

I know Wayne was around me the other day. I am at my Mom's and I always bring a picture of Wayne to set on the night table. Well, the other day, I was changing Ryan on my mom's bed and when I went to get something off the night table, there was a little tab, one that was in my Mom's old phone (which was mine years ago) and it said Wayne on it. I commented and said, "Where did this come from, the phone?" We both said, yeah, it is, but she put that phone away a few months ago and has had her cleaning lady here mulitple times since. Why would it still be on the table, after it's been cleaned?

It was just a little something, to let me know he is here with us. It made me feel great inside. Wayne always finds away to let me know he's around. Love never dies. He has made me believe.

New Year's Resolutions

Okay, I'll start early. I hope this new year starts better than last.

On New Year's Eve last year, I said "I don't think I feel well" Well, within an hour I was icky sick. Mickey came home sick, my neice got it and her friend was over and she got it. Ugh, Wayne made sure to steer clear of us! But, he had to come to bed sometime that night and well, He woke up with it the next day and so did my nephew! All I have right now is a cold, so I'm doing better.

I have many things I want to acheive in 2007:

1. To quit somking. For myself and my son. He is all I have left and I can't be selfish. I'll find something to reward myself with.

2. To make the right decisions for my family. To think long and hard about their and my future. (I do that now anyway)

3. To try and make a new life for Ryan and I. To try to be who I use to be, but with obviously, modifications.

4. To make new friends and be sure to take care of the old ones too.

5. To try and be happy.

I think that's a pretty stiff list. I will take each day as it comes and try to learn I can't live in the past. My life is on a new course now and I know Wayne is watching over to see that I make the right choices. The hardest job of all, and most rewarding, is to raise Ryan, to be a great man like his father. If I succeed at that, I don't think I could be more proud.

Hope everyone has a great New Year.

Feeling Indifferent

Well, today has been pretty uneventful. Slept in a bit with Ryan and then we went shopping. Was treated to a nice pair of A&F jeans, Thank you Mom-Mom for the Christmas gift card! As a mom with bills to pay, I don't splurge for $80.00 jeans often. I would rather buy things for Ryan, but since it was a Christmas card to me, I treated me! Wanted to buy a pair of black and pink Etnie sneakers, but couldn't justify spending $65.00 on sneakers, since I get them dirty and then don't like them anymore.

Last year for Christmas, Wayne bought me two pairs of sneakers, because he knows my fetish with them and was covering the bases. I actually, have only worn one pair so far and the others are still in a box! I have to have clean sneakers.

Touched base with a friend tonight and it was nice to talk with her. She has had some medical issues and has not been herself for the last year. Thankfully, they found out the cause and she will be having surgery next month and hopefully, she will be able to resume her life. It was sweet, we discussed our boys playing together, as their daddy's were great friends! I think that is sweet.

Not too much more to write about tonight. Had a relaxing day here in NC (on vacation) and just laying low. (as I always do)The weather is nice and I am getting over my cold, except for the stupid annoying cough that won't go away.

Oh yeah, when we at the mall, my mom saw a cop and asked him to come say Hi to Ryan. He loves to watch Cops on T.V, but actually got shy and put his head into his stroller. Maybe he loves cops because Daddy was a cop. (The most handsome and sexiest cop I have ever laid eyes on) I have a picture of Wayne in uniform on his last day of work on my nightstand and the other day, Ryan woke up and said "Cop, Cop" and I said that's right honey, that's your Daddy!!!! I'm thinking Ryan might follow in his daddy's footsteps. That's fine with me. His daddy was a great cop. He just can't be a cop in a major city or high crime rate area!!!!!

Hope everyone has a nice night. Time to go have dinner.

Christmas

So, I woke up on Christmas Eve and was doing fine. As it got later in the day and I had to start to get ready for all the upcoming events, I jumped in the shower and started to cry. This was the first time in 15 years, that my plans were alter. I always had a plan and it always included Wayne. It hit me hard, because for some reason, I had built it up in my mind that he would be home for Christmas. It was a cold dose of reality, that I was alone and he wasn't going to be there.

Ryan and I went to my Grandfathers and spent some time there with family. On our way, we went to the cemetery and laid roses down for Wayne. Ryan looked so handsome, his little smile just melted my heart. Seeing how big he has grown in the last year was amazing and sad at the same time. Amazing, because he is our son and sad, because Wayne is not here to see how big he is growing and experiencing how funny and wonderful he is.

I tried for hours to take a picture of him all dressed up and he wanted no part of it. He was too excited being in a new place and exploring, as all little boys do. A man came over to my Grandfather's and Ryan took to him right away. He stood there and smiled and let him take pictures of him. He wanted "Up, Up" and while it was cute, it killed me inside. Ryan often likes guys and I have to wonder if he is looking for his daddy. Unless you are in my shoes, you can't imagine how difficult that is to deal with.

We left and went to my Mother-in-laws. I had hoped I would have missed the start of dinner, but I didn't. The reason I wanted to miss the beginning was that I wasn't sure if I would be able to deal with Wayne's daughter saying Grace. I knew she was dreading saying it for days. It hit her hard and everyone ended up in tears. This was the first time in 58 years, Wayne was not at his mother's table for Christmas Eve dinner and the first time any of his children weren't with their father.

I know I talk about me and my loss all the time, but believe me, I am very aware of the wonderful man that we all lost. She started to cry and left the table. I went after her and while I was dying myself inside, I managed to try to cheer her up and re-enforce to her that Wayne wouldn't and doesn't want us to cry and that he wants us to continue on and have a wonderful holiday. (I don't know how much I believed my own advice, but I had to try to be strong for her)

We left and went back to our house and did adult presents, because we all had so much to do on Christmas. It was different and I made it thru. I love handing out presents and then I found myself there with a pile to open myself. I received wonderful and thoughtful gifts from everyone.

My neice and nephew got me a necklace with diamond chips, representing themselves and Ryan and beautiful matching earrings. My mother got me a circle of life necklace and everyone got me a necklace of a heart with a missing piece. It is the reunion necklace, for one day that I meet up with Wayne again. Well, that particular necklace made me burst out crying. The fun and laughter that usually filled our family room on Christmas Eve was muted and different.

Another difficult part was when Mickey's boyfriend opend a Christmas present from Wayne. He had started shopping earlier in the year for him and we remembered where the presents were. I think he was touched, but being the strong guy he is, he kept it inside. He liked Wayne alot! I had also found a card Wayne got for Mickey last Christmas for Ryan to give to her and we had forgotten about it and it never got signed, so when I found it, I helped Ryan sign it and told Mickey that her dad bought the card. Just the little things he left behind, touched us all on Christmas Eve.

I started to clean up from the massive amounts of wrapping paper in the living room and when I was alone, I found myself crying, but wiped my tears and told myself that I can go on!On Christmas morning, it was sad waking up without Wayne there, but I had Ryan and my neice and nephew.

We got up and went out and saw all the presents Santa had left and were so surprised! I made the mistake of giving Ryan a 20 pack of Match box cars first. He wanted nothing to do with any other presents!!!!

Again, all the excitement was over and again, I was cleaning up paper and this time, reallllllllly lost it. My neice came in and I felt so bad, but I just hugged her so hard and long and cried. I find myself crying often, but with no-one to hold me. She just let me cry and get it out. I missed Wayne so much and the pain was difficult to deal with. Like I wrote earlier, I for some reason, thought he'd be home for Christmas and he wasn't. Have you ever worked really hard to accomplish something and think, "Oh, when I'm done with this, this will happen?" Well, it hit me that I made it thru, but what I wanted, I will never have again and that I will have to do Christmas alone, for the rest of my life. Mind you I wasn't Alone, but Alone and without Wayne.

We went to my Mother-in-laws and did presents there. She and I had a minute before everyone else arrived and again, I started to cry. I dreaded driving to her house, again, knowing that this was the first year without her baby. Luckily, family started to show up, so we wiped our tears and did presents.

By this time, Ryan and I were pooped and went home and took a nap. We got up and got ready and went to my brother and sister-in-laws house for dinner. On our way, we went to the cemetery and I put down toll house cookies for Wayne and his father. (Wayne loved the cookies at Christmas)

Going to my brothers was different for me, as we had started doing Christmas dinner at our house, but we were invited and I didn't think I would be able to do dinner this year. All the other emotions I was dealing with was enough, not to add having to entertain on Christmas night. We had a nice time and I think we were all tired when we got home.

I called my mother-in-law to see how the rest of her day was. I felt bad, because atleast I had my mom, neice, nephew and Ryan at home with me, but I knew she was alone and we all experience the build up of Christmas and then it's over. We had a nice talk for about an hour on the phone and said we were both tired and hung up and went and got in bed with Ryan.

Last night, we all drove down to my mom's in N.C and I'm winding down from Christmas and the long drive. We did make it thru. There were a few bumps in the road and all of our hearts were heavy, but we made it! That is the most important part. I will always remember the past, but have to make new happy memories too and even though Wayne is not "physically" here, I know he is here with us in spirit and watching over us. There is nothing in the world that would keep him away from his family.

Wayne gave me the most amazing gifts in life. The amount of love Wayne gave me was like Christmas all year long and our greatest gift to each other was our son Ryan. I will continue to be thankful for the time I did have with Wayne and the wonderful task of raising our son, for the rest of my life.I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and you all have a happy New Year!

Kim

Grief List

Grief List

1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one's name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.

2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me, the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you, crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

3. I wish you wouldn't let my loved one die again by removing from your home their artwork, pictures or any other rememberances.

4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counselling.

5. Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.

6. I wish you knew all the crazy reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be 'cured' or a 'formerly bereaved,' but forever be 'recovering' from my bereavement.

8. I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

9. Our loved one's birthday, the anniversary of their death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.

10. I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party, this is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have hurt before and I can heal.

11. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to 'my old self' you will stay frustrated, I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me, maybe you will still like me.

Author Unknown

DO NOT CRY FOR MY ABSENCE,
FEEL CLOSE AND STILL TALK TO ME.
I WILL LOVE YOU FROM HEAVEN AS I HAVE LOVED YOU ON EARTH.


When Tomorrow Starts Without Me...

When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not here to see...

If the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me, I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today...

While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say. I know how much you love me, as much as I love you...

And each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me, too.

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand...

That Jesus came and called my name and took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready in heaven far above...

And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart...

For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.

Annual Christmas Party

Annual Christmas Party

Well, we had our Annual Christmas party on Saturday. I was struggling for a long time, trying to decide if we should have it and how I was going to feel. This was a family tradition we started some years ago, to bring all our family and friends together and have a good time. We had our Christmas party and a Summer party.

I decided to go ahead and proceed as usual. I know that if the roles were reversed, Wayne would have had the party. He loved having family gatherings.(I do too, but he was into it more). I want to continue what Wayne and I started for Ryan to enjoy. After all, he is my main focus in life, he is my drive and my reason.

Almost everyone invited showed up and it was a nice time. I was feeling very sad and had a heavy heart as I was getting myself and Ryan ready. Wayne was always the last one showered and usually just finished getting dressed as the first guests arrived. This too, was a tradition. I was sad, waiting for him, knowing he wasn't going to be jumping out of the shower and asking me what I picked out for him to wear.

Luckily, I was able to keep busy, with so many people here. The time just flew by and before I knew it, the night was over. Everyone left and we started to clean up. I felt guilty, that I had been so busy during the party, that I didn't think about Wayne much. That kills me inside, because I never want to forget Wayne. It was difficult, glancing from room to room and not seeing his big smile looking back at me. No matter where we were, we'd always spy each other and the love in his eyes, would shoot across the room and into my heart. The love he showed my from his eyes and smile were just as powerful as a long, passionate kiss from him.

On Sunday, my brother came over and was fixing my garage door. At one point, the kids were in the way and I said, "Watch out, let Uncle Wayne get thru". I think that is the first slip of tounge that I have had.

I know this is real and that Wayne is not coming back, but somewhere inside, I think he is. I keep thinking, okay, he'll show up on Christmas Day and this will all have been some really bad reality show or something. That I will be VERY MAD that he did this to me, to us, but I would fall to my knees in happiness, just to have him back again.

Wayne was a big strong man. He was very active and never sat still. I still can't and don't understand how this happened. Why him, why now? You can not imagine how much I miss him. How lonely I am everyday without him. I know I am doing better and moving a step forward everyday, but I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, that I forget any of the past. I still can't imagine ever being as happy as I once was, agaiin.

I know that Christmas Eve and Christmas will be a struggle for me. This will be the first time in 15 years, that we are not together. I am going to make Christmas be the best I can for Ryan. He is my focus and this year, it is all about him. When I am feeling sad and down, I will give him and extra hug and a big kiss and he will keep me busy.

Thank you for reading and have a good night.Kim

7 months ago

Wow, I can't believe it is 7 months today, that Wayne passed away. Time just keeps ticking and ticking and I haven't had a moment to really stand still and reflect on what has happened. That could be a good thing or a bad thing. Good, that I keep going and have not laid down and died.

I still miss Wayne every minute of everyday, that hasn't changed. It is getting very difficult with Christmas 2 weeks away. I think that's when I'll see a melt down inside. We so loved Christmas, being with our family and friends and most of all, each other. I don't know any other man, who put as much time and effort into Christmas, as Wayne did. He Loved Christmas very much. He loved to shop for others and just liked to go shopping and walk around and look. Not me, I have to go shopping with a purpose.

Waking up Christmas morning, without him by my side, being the first one to wish me a Merry Christmas and come out to open presents with, it going to hurt alot. I'd give up ever having another Christmas or anything, just to have him back.

....A funny story

....The first Christmas Wayne and I had together, he was working and had taken my gift to the Police Station to wrap it. It was dark out, when he walked out the station door. His police car was parked up against the curb. He had gotten me a stereo system and in was in a pretty big box. Wayne had misjudged how far he was away from the curb and stepped down, his foot got wedged between the curb and tire and lost his balance. He fell backwards onto the sidewalk. I will always remember him telling me, "God, I hope no one drives by" because here was a cop, laying flat on his back on the curb of the Police Station, with a big box on top of his chest.

Writing this now, make me laugh to think about it.It is memories like that, that turn the sadness I started out with writing this, into a moment, where I have a smile on my face. I had 15 amazing years with Wayne. 15 amazing Christmas's and now I have to contiune on having fun with our son Ryan. I know Wayne would do that for him and me, if the roles were reveresed. Anyway, just felt like writing tonight. Thanks for reading, as always.

An Empty Chair

So, tonight I went to my mother-in-laws with Ryan to see the "guys". Today was the 1st day of Shotgun season here and it is a family tradition for everyone to come in and have dinner tonight. I didn't think it would be as emotional for me, but as the time got closer to go tonight, my heart was hurting. We all have our respective places at her dinner table and Wayne had the head chair and I sat by his side. It has been this way for as long as we've been together. When I walked in and saw his chair, my eyes started to fill with tears. This was the first time I would be at his mothers and not have him sitting by my side. I wasn't sure if I could actually sit down and do it, but his cousin sat in the chair (without knowing what I was thinking) and I guess that made it a bit easier. It wasn't his brother or son sitting there, taking his place.

It's going to be 7 months on Sunday and I still can't believe that this is real. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my husband back. I miss my best friend so much. I miss knowing that I could always depend and count on Wayne. I trusted him with my life and there are very few people in the world that I have that much faith in. Wayne was the number 1 person I trusted. My heart is so lonely and I feel like he is off at war and will be home soon. I just want him to come home. I have no one to talk to, to tell how my day was and no one to make plans with. Every plan I had, has slipped thru the cracks and doesn't exist any longer. We had plans, together, as a couple, as a family. Now, I have no plans. How sad.I just want to be loved again. I want to give my love to Wayne and have our happy, fun life back.

Everyone else around me is going on with life, I guess I am too, but dragging my feet and living in the past. The past keeps me going. The past is my happiest time of life. A time in my life that I don't see being happier or having that feeling again.I am tired of people saying or thinking that because I am young, I will find another man and continue on with my life. It's not going to be that way. I love and respect Wayne so much and value what we had. I could never open my heart up like that again. I could never be loved the way Wayne loved me and anything else, would fall short and I would and will always compare to my life with Wayne to anything new. In my heart and mind, I had the best life possible. We weren't rich with money, but we were filthy rich with love and happiness and that's what matters most to me in life. That's why being without it now kills me, hurts me and makes my heart empty.I also know, that I could NEVER, have our son call another man "Daddy". Ryan has the most amazing father, who is up in heaven, watching over us everyday. I will never do that to Wayne or Ryan. Ryan will learn and know how great his father was and have wonderful happy memories of his daddy. I can play both roles of mom and dad and give Ryan a great life and that is what I plan on doing. He, is the reason I haven't completely lost my mind and gone crazy. If I didn't have Ryan, I don't know where I'd be right now. I am thankful for him, as he has made me keep going and because of him, I can not and will not give up.I know, I always write the same thing over and over, but this is life. I have lost the closest person to me in the world and he's never coming back for me.

I can't stop thinking about Wayne, as we were together for 15 incredible years and i will never stop thinking about him or missing him. Wayne made all my dreams come true. There was nothing more in the world he could have given me. His love was the greatest gift and when you lose that, it hurts real bad. I don't know how long it will take until I see some kind of happy times again. I honestly, don't think I will ever feel the contentment I had in my life and heart 7 months ago, again. How could I? Nothing will ever be the same and I will always be looking back, because I am too afraid to look forward.

What a weekend

Wow, what a busy weekend we had. My little guy started to get sick Thursday night with a high fever and being very clingy. I felt so bad, as he couldn't tell me what was wrong and was up crying til early in the morning. He was sleepy and not himself all day Friday and the same thing Friday night.

We got up early Saturday morning and were taking my nephew to Dave and Buster's in Philly, for his 10th birthday. I had never been there and was looking forward to going. We has a surprise in store for him and he no-one knew except the adults. We had to meet everyone at my sisters houses. When we arrived, there was a black stretch limo in the driveway. His eyes perked up and and mouth droped. I told him to go see what they were doing there and they told him they were lost and turning around. A minute later, I told him to go ask if the driver needed directions. The limo driver stepped out of the car and said, "NO, I'm looking for Peter" and Pete was like "That's me" and he asked him where he wanted to go today. So, we all piled into the limo and headed off to Philly.

We had lunch at Dave and Buster's and played a ton of games. Was a pretty cool place, if you've never been. Pictures posted on my profile page. Anyway, i don't think he will ever forget his 10th birthday...

My little guy continued to be sick all night on Saturday and cried and woke up every hour. This led to mommy not getting much sleep. I took him to the Dr. today and we really think it's because he's teething. He's getting 8 teeth at one time. He's not a happy camper. Had a not so busy day today, but got a little bit of sleep while Ryan napped. My heart feels so bad, that I can't fix his pain.

Tonight is emotional for me, as tomorrow is the 1st day of Shotgun Deer hunting here. My husband lived for this week. It was a family tradition and he looked forward to it every year. It was time he spent with his brother and sons and he always wanted them to score first, before himself. His mom always makes a big dinner the Sunday night before and everyone would go in and eat. She also gets up at the crack of dawn, or before, tomorrow morning and makes the guys breakfast and then dinner tomorrow night. I know Wayne will be on everyone of their minds tomorrow morning, as he was a "Leader" and a good hunter. It was 4 days of the guys getting to hang out together. To hunt, talk about hunting and tell the same stories that have been told for 100 years.I would always keep Wayne up late tonight, talking and he'd finally go to bed at 1am and have to wake up at 3:30am to get to his mom's for breakfast. He put up with so much from me:)

I was at my sister's and told of what I just told you all and was a bit sappy and missing Wayne. As I was talking, I was helping her clean up the boys play area, when I looked up on the train table and on there, was 1 matchbox car and a plastic 10 POINT BUCK.... What are the odds??? I asked her, where did you get this, she said someone gave it to the boys for their birthday and only saw it back in August. I have NEVER seen this plastic deer before and it wasn't there all weekend. It was just that I was talking about Wayne and how much he loved Shotgun week and for me to look up and see that sitting there, was a sign, that he was there and listening. I asked if I could have it. I took it up to the cemetary on the way home tonight (that's love, a cemetery at dark) and put it on his headstone. I love you honey and wish you good shooting tomorrow. I know your'll be hunting up there, if you can and you will be watching over your family tomorrow to make sure they score.

For those of you who have not walked in my shoes, the signs I get from Wayne are amazing. I have never thought about or believed so much in signs from the afterlife, but I am living this, everyday and I know Wayne is doing everything in his power, to show me that he still exists, hears me and is with me. I can feel my best friend around me. Wayne will never leave me.

So, that was my weekend. Sick little man, spending time with my nephew and his friends and taking a stretch to Philly. Taking little man to the Dr. and trying to catch up on sleep that I missed out on Thursday and Friday night and going to a cemetery in the dark for the 1st time in my life. That's love, for a girl like me who is a big whimp.

Here Comes the Sadness

Well, here come the sad times. With Christmas less than a month away, I am already feeling the emptiness in the pit of my belly and the missing piece of my heart.We spent the whole weekend outside, putting up the Christmas decorations. It was hard work and we busted hump to do it, but we got it done. Wayne always made the outside look beautiful and I want to continue his tradition. Everyone is so excited for Christmas to come, I could care less if it came or not.

My Christmas will never be the same again. The first year I met Wayne, he brought my presents to my house and left them under the tree. I joked with him and shook a box and took some guesses. He did not like that and said it wasn't fair. From that point forward, he wouldn't even bring one present in the house for me, until Christmas Eve night. He would buy presents, take them to his mom's house and wrap them there. He always wrapped my presents in beautiful paper and handmade perfect bows. He could out wrap me anyday. His presentation was beautiful. For such a big, strong guy, he sure could wrap!

Our Christmas's were always so special between us. We enjoyed giving to everyone and he always got me something special and put his heart and great thought into it.

Wayne, on the other hand was a pain. He would always guess what I got him as his "Big gift" and was right, more times than not. Two years ago, he lost his wedding band while gutting a deer in New York State. He was very upset about that and hated not having his wedding band on. I had purchased him a new one and alot of other gifts. I gave him all his other presents and waited awhile, then gave him his new ring. He had written down a new ring and put the piece of paper away. He was always like that and it annoyed people.I did get him good awhile back. I purchased and had a enclosed landscape trailer custom built for him. He was at my house and we were doing presents. Then I had someone drive it there and park it outside after he was inside. I made a puzzle and made him follow clues all over the house and finally led him outside and he was very surprised. For once, I got him!

I will miss our Christmas traditions and we always had a Christmas party at our house for our whole family. I wasn't going to do it this year, but decided today, that he would want me to continue and he would do the same if I was gone. I am so thankful that at least we had one family Christmas together with Ryan. Ryan is why I am going thru the emotional hardship of decorating for Christmas and trying to have a nice holiday season. He is so sweet and innocent and deserves to have and make happy memories.I miss Wayne so very much. I feel him around me, I know he's here. I just want to have one more day with him. There is so much I don't know, so much he could teach me, but as we accomplish the tasks at hand, I look back and smile and say to myself, He did teach me and I paid attention. I felt a sense of pride, after we got the outside decorated. It looks beautiful.

As we decorated our tree last night, I was not into it at all. We always put our tree up Thanksgiving weekend, watched movies and decorated the house. I have no other decorations out yet. I have more Christmas stuff than I have room for!!! This is going to be a hard month for me. The holidays are supposed to be spent and enjoyed with the ones you love and the love of my life is no longer here with me. I know I have Ryan here and I am thankful, but the love I have for our son and the love I have for my husband are so completely different. It's lonely and sad not having the love of your life by your side, to share with and make memories with.

Thanks for bearing with me, I'm sure there will be many more unhappy thoughts for me this month. Be thankful for the husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend that is by your side. Even if you sometimes disagree or whatever, be thankful, because life could change in an instant. Be sure that the ones you love know it, everyday. I am blessed with the fact that I knew how much Wayne loved me and that he knew how much I loved him.

That knowledge will last me a lifetime with a smile in my heart.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Please come home...

Dear Wayne,I can't even find the right words to write to you. It has been 5 months today since you left and I miss you more than anything or anyone I've ever missed before. You are my best friend in the whole world and I am so lost and lonely without you here. I still haven't taken a day to break down and cry since you've gone. I wake up each morning and try my best to be strong and pretend your'll be coming home soon.We had so many plans and so many things to do. We had plans for tomorrow and our future. It is still so unbelieveable that you left as suddenly as you did. No-one saw your departure coming.You are my strong, loving and gentle husband. You make me feel safe and secure with your confident smile and inviting eyes. Your strong hand on the small of my back makes me feel like a Princess and so safe and loved. We could always finish each others sentence or know what the other was thinking before we said it. I know I could be a PITA, but I'm your PITA and I know you enjoyed it.I have so much to tell you since you've been gone. I know you see the pain I've been going through, so I won't go into detail. I am trying my best to continue on as you would and do the things you do. I've learned to cut the grass and pretty well I must say. I have cut down trees, drained the pool, refilled the pool, fixed the toilet, cleaned out the fireplace, hung sheetrock and laid down sod in the back yard by the garage window. I am also trying to be the best mom I can be to Ryan. It is very difficult being alone without a partner now. Sometimes Ryan gets into a tantrum and I wish you were here to help out with them. I need to walk away sometimes and I can't.Ryan has learned so much since you left. He is walking now and climbing on everything. He has the biggest smile and laughs outloud at things that he thinks are funny and that I don't. He is starting to talk and has a good vocabulary. I use to be able to pretend I was crying and he would come running and hug me. Now, he does it to me. He likes to imitate whatever someone does. He has to close the door whenever I let the dogs out or he gets mad. He has made a home of one of the cabinets in the kitchen. He takes out the tupperware and climbs in, closes the door and waits for me to ask "Where's Ryan?" Ryan loves car-cars, ball-ball and DEER! He sees a deer out by the pool and goes crazy. He stands in the window and calls them. Ryan also loves to throw everything into the fireplace. Mickey will take him out to his car and he sits there and blows the horn and laughs. Ryan is growing up so fast and it kills me more than anyone could ever know, that you aren't here to see and enjoy it. I have seen him give glances back at me and I swear they are yours. I also say his stubborness is yours too. Oh yeah, when I need to do something in the kitchen, Ryan loves to play in the fridge, so I just let him go at it. He's not too into toys, it's everything else he's not supposed to have that he loves.I try so hard to be the best parent I can be for Ryan. I so wish I was gone instead of you. I know you could teach Ryan more than I ever can. You know alot more things related to a boy and becoming a man than I do. I will do everything I can to teach Ryan about you and how much you love him. How you couldn't stand to be away from us.Wayne, I feel so empty inside without you. My heart hurts so bad and I can't make the pain go away. I would give anything in the world, including my own life, to have 1 more day with you. Losing your best friend is the biggest pain I think anyone can go through. I know you would be further along than I am, if the rolls were reversed. You would be back to work and living life. I can't stop living in the past. Everywhere I go, I think of you and think "Oh, we were here" or "we did this". Everytime I go around the circle, I think of getting pulled over with the roadblock and you pulled up on your way to work, shook your head, laughed and drove off... leaving me there with all those cops.Tonight is the 1st night I am up, sitting in the kitchen alone and everyone else is in bed. I haven't sat out here once since you left, alone. I also took Ryan to Tiff's today and Dana watched him for 2 1/2 hours. The first time I have left him to go and do errands. I had to go buy a new dryer today and they scammed me at Home Depot for a cord and lint thingy. I had to pay $20.00 extra!!! If you were here, I wouldn't have had to buy it because you could hook it up. God Wayne, I ache so much. I hate being alone and not having you here to laugh with and cuddle with. I even wouldn't have minded all your yelling while the Yankees blew it in the playoffs. They played like crap and got spanked. I learned how to blow the leaves out of the yard with the mower yesterday and it sucks. I don't know how you did all that work out there and I never heard you complain AND you did all your customers yards too.Well my sweet love, my eyes and fingers are tired and Ryan will still get up early in the morning. I pray every night for you to come and take me on a date in my dreams. I have seen you a few times, but you never talk to me. Please know that your visits mean so very much to me. As each day ends, I know that it gets me one more day closer to being with you again. When it is my time to go, I pray you will be the 1st person I see and we will be able to spend eternity together.One life, One love..... Until we meet again.Please come home soon.......I love you, always and forever!!! Kim

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Today was difficult!


I'm not sure exactly why, but today was difficult for me. I was busy doing things and Ryan was being watched by a friend. I suddenly got that "tunnel hearing" inside my head and thought of Wayne. I thought back to about a month or so prior to his passing, he had said he heard a "swishing" sound in his ear. I didn't pay to much attention to it and just figured it was like the "tunnel hearing" you sometimes get. About a week or less before his passing, he complained of an ear ache. The first I have ever heard of from him in all our 15 years together.
I guess today it hit me again, that had I made him go to the doctor for his check up and to have them look into his blocked artery, I could have possibly prevented his passing. I was too selfish and not a good partner. I should have listend harder and thought about the slow block they said he had going on.

I broke down and cried infront of my 9 year old nephew and felt so bad. I know this is tough on him too and I just lost it for a few minutes and it has stayed inside me all day and still now.I guess I always thought of Wayne as being invinsible, that nothing could or would happen to him. It's going to be 5 months on Tuesday and I still miss him so badly. I just want him to come home. I want to see his eyes, his smile and kiss him. I want him to wrap his strong arms around me and give me a big Wayne hug. The kind where I feel so safe, loved and secure. I miss having someone love me. I miss hearing "I Love You". I miss being touched, tickled and poked. I miss our "Who can lay down first" backrub sessions. Wow, writing tonight is really tough. As I sit here alone and type, I have streams of tears rolling down my face. I'm so scared, alone and afraid! If only..... kills me. I'll never know. I'll never know if I made him go to the doctor, could this have been prevented. I'll never know if I did all I could that night.

I manage to wake up and go thru each day and try to be happy for Ryan, but I still feel so numb inside. I try not to discuss it too much with my family now, as I'm sure they have heard enough during these last 5 months. They have no idea how alone and sad I am inside! How every square inch in our house is filled with memories. How I walk into a room and think of we did this or we did that. Our house feels so cold and empty to me now. I am usually a like to stay at home and hibernate type of girl in the Winter and it was fun with Wayne. We LOVED to take naps for an hour or two and stay up late each night just haning out with each other. It's the time of year I go into a funk and it is quickly approaching again now and this time, I'll have to face it alone.

Hunting season has started and I see deer all over the place. I know he would be out there looking for his "bullwinkle".Wayne was a patient hunter. He would wait and wait and go days and days, just to get the perfect buck. I didn't care too much for hunting, but it was his passion and I tried to be as into it as one could be. His empty deer stand is in the woods outside our bedroom window and when I look out and see it, empty, I am sad, but it is going to remain there. This Wayne and that was his spot!

This blog has gone from okay, to balling tears, to wiping my tears to tell you how awesome Wayne was. an emotionally up and down 10 minutes...
Okay, I best quit while I'm ahead tonight. Thank you for reading. Have a nice weekend...

Kim

Saturday, September 09, 2006

I got a sign today!



I got a sign today from Wayne. I have been feeling a bit down lately, with Fall on it's way. This is the time of year I begin to "nest".I went to the cemetary today for my usual visit and as I sat there, I asked Wayne to please send me a sign. Please let me know you are still around and watching over us.
We left the cemetary and went to Dunkin Donuts and as we were in line waiting to order, the car in front of me said "WAYNE". It was the dealership tag around the plate, but that's all it said. No dealer name or anything, just "WAYNE". It made my heart fill with love. Love from Wayne, knowing he really is still around and watching over us. Then on the way home, our wedding song "From This Moment" came on the radio. I started to cry.
My pain is still very real and hard. As I sat outside tonight, I watched as the cars passed by and was looking for Wayne to round the corner in his truck and come home from a day of mowing. Park his truck and trailer and give me a big kiss. From the outside of our house, it looks like nothing has changed (we are doing a great job with the landscaping) but no one knows that inside the house, our hearts are broken.
Tomorrow is going to be 4 months. I still can't believe this is real. I keep hoping that this is a bad reality show and he'll be home soon.

My pain is less than it was in the beginning, but my heart breaks when I look at our son and realize that Ryan got jipped and will not have his own memories of his daddy and Wayne got jipped by not being able to be here to watch him grow up and teach him all the dad things. When I think of that, I cry. Wayne finally got it right. He was so in love with his son and our family. He was so devoted to us. I couldn't have asked for a better life, a better husband or partner. Wayne really did make all my dreams come true. I will forever have memories of him and will love him everyday of my life. He remains to be my best friend and his place can never be filled by another.
Well, that's about all I have for you tonight. I just wanted to share my awesome experience about my sign from above. I know Wayne is watching over us and continues to love us from the other side. Our bond will never be broken, despite time and distance, our love is eternal.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Feeling down


I've been feeling a little down lately. Feeling lonely, sad and unworthy. I am still in such shock from losing Wayne. Our son and I, my sister and her family and my mom recently went to the shore for a week. It was nice, but very different. I have been going to the shore for years with my husband. I've only ever really gone in the ocean with him, walked on the beach with him and all the other things that go along with vacation, with him. I tried the best I could to enjoy, for Ryan, but was so sad inside everyday. I kept thinking "Wayne and I did this" and so on.

My feelings of unworthyness stem from being alone. Before I met my husband, I was 19 and didn't know who I was or what I wanted to be or do. I met him and KNEW he was the man for me, despite the age difference, we clicked and that was it! I then became his wife (I was so proud) and then a mom to our wonderful son. Wayne was 1/2 of me and I was 1/2 of him. Some say we were sickening sweet, as we loved to spend every minute together and after 15 years, still didn't know enough about each other. There was always something new to learn or tell.

We pretty much made all of our decisions together, paint colors, dinner, flowers to plant, blah, blah, blah. Now that is all gone and I feel like a no one. Not important and have no purpose. Fall is coming and I have this sick feeling in my belly when I think about it. Facing it alone and knowing the holidays are around the corner. I know I have made it this far, it's almost 4 months.

It's so sad to be alone. I know my family is getting tired of me talking about him, but I have nothing else to think about. It consumes me all day, thinking about him, wondering if I will ever see him again (on the other side), thinking about the plans we had and things that needed doing. It is so painful to walk around our house, in his garage and see his projects, his clothes, his everything. No one gets it! It kills me to see these things and know he's never coming back. The person I love most in this world, the person who was Always there for me, right or wrong, is never going to touch me again, tell me it will be okay, inspire me, help me and love me, help raise our son, teach me, is not coming back for me. I feel so overwhelmed having to face the world alone. I was a somebody before, 1/2 of a team and now I feel like nothing. No one to love me.

I've been feeling like a bad mommy too. Ryan is now walking and running and getting into everything. He has also started with tantrums and I don't exactly know how or what to do. I feel like I am supposed to fix it and everyone is looking at me and making comments. I need Wayne's help, he would tell me it will be okay and be my other 1/2 when times are tough.

I just want to find a way to make it thru best I can, for Ryan and I. He deserves the best and happiest future I can provide. That is what Wayne would expect from me. I love our son so very much and he is a major reason I have come this far.

My heart breaks for anyone in my position. It hurts when you know people are tired of hearing about it, moving on and you are stuck. No one calls anymore, no one visits and no one knows just how scared and lonely I really am. In a million years, I never would have thought that at 34, I would lose my best friend, have a young baby and be alone.

I would give up anything in the world, to have 1 more day!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

How Life Changes in an Instant (9)

Well tomorrow is going to be difficult. Tomorrow would be our 4 year anniversary and I am having a tough time thinking about it.Last week was 3 months since Wayne passed. Everyone says it will get easier with time, but nothing is getting easier. I still hurt everyday. I still think about Wayne everyday and wish this was all a bad night mare and I will wake and tell him how horrible it was and what I was experiencing and thinking. How lonely I was without him around. I want my heart to stop hurting, the pain to go away and the emptiness to be filled again. I feel so lonely in our house. I say it's just a house to me now, it's no longer "our" home. I miss the laughter, the commotion, the hustle and bustle of everyday life as a family. I try to force a smile everyday, but it's fake and no one really knows how I feel inside.I am trying best I can to carry on and keep our home running smooth, inside and out. My niece and nephew help an awful lot. We have mastered cutting the grass, weed whacking, cutting down trees, blowing the driveway, trying to drain the pool and everything else that needs doing. I feel impowered accomplishing all that we have, but I beg and wish I, we, could have Wayne's approval. Is he proud of us and what we are doing? Does he see how hard I am trying? It's an awful feeling, missing someone and looking for their approval, knowing it will never come. I want him to come home and say "wow, you've done great". Wayne would always compliment me when I tried to do something out of the norm of my usual life duties.
I saw him do everything and watched, so I feel I can try to fill his boots. I know I'll never keep the yard up to his standards, but I think we are doing one hell of a good job for beginners. I love cutting the grass. I think of him the whole time and feel bad that I didn't help out in the past. Though he wouldn't let me, he was a perfectionest when it came to our yard. He was the professional and it always looked beautiful!
I am doing the best I can to get by and deal with each day. I am thankful for the 15 years I had with him and know in my heart and mind, that I have memories that will last a lifetime and always make me smile. Good times and bad. Even if we fought, I loved making up with Wayne. We never stayed mad at each other. Maybe for a few minutes, until one of us said we were sorry. But, my hurt is for Ryan, our son. I hurt knowing he won't remember his father, except thru pictures and stories. He will never know the icon his father was in our town. Everyone knew Wayne. Would you expect less? He was a cop for 28 years. He knew Everyone!!! Ryan will never know how much his father loved him and enjoyed him. How his eyes lit up everytime he saw him. How excited and worried he was the day he was born and how happy we were as a family. He won't ever get to celebrate Father's Day again, he won't have Wayne here to teach him how to hunt, play baseball, work on his car, fix things or get the love he so deserves from his dad. I so wish I was the one who was gone. I love Ryan dearly and know I will do all that I can to mold him into a respectable man, but if Wayne was here, he would love him as much as I do, but he could teach him so much more. A boy deserves his dad. I know Wayne would love him with all his heart and teach him love and compassion (as I will) but he could teach him all the guy things he needs to know.I never, ever, imagined being where I am at this time in my life. Yes, I always assumed Wayne would have passed before me, because of the age difference, but not now. Not at this point in either of our lives.No matter how the dance turned out, I remain thankful for having Wayne in my life for as long as I did. Thankful for the love Wayne gave me everyday. Thankful for the amazing gift of our son. We always said we wanted to make our mark together in the world and our little boy will bring me comfort daily, I know Wayne will live on through him. I know he sees him, but I wish I could see the happiness on Wayne's face, watching Ryan learn and do new things.
4 years ago tomorrow, was the happiest day of my life and I now I am alone. Really, how life changes in an instant!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

How Life Changes in an Instant (8)

Well, yesterday wasn't so much fun. It was the first 4th of July I have spent without Wayne in 15 years. Everyone was having fun, laughing and having a good time. I smiled when I could, but I was recalling our last 4th of July and how much fun it was, celebrating with our son, Ryan. I recalled our whole trip down to NC last year and how Ryan and I were here and Wayne flew down to be with us. The flights were all jammed up and his flight was cancelled. He had to get a connection flight and flew into Charlotte. He said he would never fly around holiday time again. It was an all day affair to get here, but Wayne would go to any length to be with us. He complained and moaned about the long day, but once he saw Ryan and I, all was forgotten. It was well worth the trip.
I have been doing more reading in the last couple of days then in the last few years. I am discovering that even though his physical person is not here for us to see and touch, he is still here. The reading helps to heal my pain and believe there is a way we will be able to connect again. Not our usual day together, but a way to understand that he exists still, on another plane, that we can't see, but believe in.
I'm sure people don't usually discuss things of this nature, but since his passing, there have been too many things happening in my life that would be considered "considences". I have learned thru reading, that his spirit is so strong, that he wants everyone he loves to Know he is still with us. loves us and that we will be together again. If anyone in my life was going to be that strong, it would be Wayne. He left a lot of unfinished business and words unsaid. He's not leaving here silently.
I am getting a bit homesicK and plan to go home tomorrow. I feel disconnected a bit, being away from home. We have been gone for awhile and I want to go home. Home to be closer to Wayne. It has been a nice time down here and I need for us to get away for awhile, but now is the time to go home, face the music and try to start a new life path for Ryan and I. I will always have Wayne's thoughts, plans and how he would handle situations in mind. I promise him to raise Ryan the best that I can. To be sure he becomes a great man liKe his father. That when it is my time to go, Wayne will be waiting for me and tell me that I did a great job and have made him proud. I will continue to live my life, wondering when it will be my time to go and that I want him to remain to be proud of me and what we set out to accomplish.
I guess that's all if have for now. I could always go on, but I would find myself getting more sad by the minute. I enjoy writting about my wonderful husband and want to be sure his memory is strong and never forgotten. He will never be forgotten by me!

Have a nice Tuesday....

How Life Changes In An Instant (7)

Today has been a tough day for me. Actually, everyday is tough. I am away at my Mom's house where Wayne, Ryan and I had so many fun times. We had just gotten home from my Mom's the Monday night before he passed. He worked so hard down here. He opened her pool, cut the grass, did weeding and whatever else he could find to do. That was Wayne. He hated to sit idle, it drove him crazy.
I look outside and tear up, remembering us out there on that sunny day, laughing and taking the pool cover off. He was so smart and knew how to do anything. He worked hard to open my Mom's pool and for some reason, her filter wasn't working right. This bugged him the whole ride home and I knew it bothered him that he'd have to wait 2 weeks to come back down to have more time to work on it and fix it. He never had the chance.
I feel lonely and disconnected from him being here. I feel since I left our house, he is not with me. I know that isn't true, but it's the pain talking.
I am thankful I have a lot of people to talk to, but no one really understands how difficult life is. I at this point, don't want to be here. I feel I have nothing left to live for. I loved Wayne with every fiber of my being and am so lonely and empty without him. Sure, I know so many people miss him, but I was with him everyday. I loved going to bed at night and cuddeling up to each other and waking in the morning to his bright smile. Even though I was grumpy sometimes. We enjoyed playing for awhile in bed with Ryan. It made us both so happy.
People tell me it will get easier. So far, it hasn't. I am consumed by our life together everyday. Consumed by the emptiness I feel. I hurts to see people going on with their lives and I am still dying inside. Half of me died that night too.
Sit and imagine all the joy you have experienced in your life for the last 15 years. Everything you have done, accomplished, hoped and dreamed for and BANG, it's all gone. Never to be seen again. No closure, no reason why and no chance to say goodbye or thank you for the wonderful love you gave me everyday. It's the toughest road I've ever been on. It hurts knowing I only got to have my "own" family for 11 months. I know no-one will ever fill Wayne's boots. He was the most special, loving, wonderful husband, friend and father. He really did make all my dreams come true. Maybe I should have given him a longer list:) It hurts knowing I choose to be alone until it is my time to go. One Life, One Love. Wayne was the man of my dreams and I always said there will never be another. To be so young and alone is terrible. I have no one to share my hopes, dreams, joys or accomplishments with anymore. We discussed everything and now I am left to fend for myself.
I have to hope and pray that love really is eternal and lives on to the other side. That when my time comes (not soon enough) that Wayne will be there with a big smile and open arms, waiting for me. I long to hear him say "I Love You" one more time. I long for him to touch me and give me his big Wayne smile. I hope when it is my time, he will meet me and tell me he is proud of the woman I became and that I raised our son right. I want Ryan to be just as great as his father was. They are pretty big boots to fill, but I think he'll do his daddy proud.

Thanks for reading. I feel better getting my thoughts out. I appreciate everyones kind words, thoughts and prayers.
Kim

Saturday, June 10, 2006

How Life Changes In An Instant (6)



So today was just as hard as I expected it to be. I woke up this morning and my nephew took Ryan, so I could sleep in a bit longer. When I finally woke up, it hit me like a ton of bricks again. I realized that Wayne really wasn't coming back today. For some strange reason, I had it built up in my head that okay, it's been a month, time for him to come home now. We've been apart long enough. I prayed every night that this was just a bad nightmare and I would wake up soon and be able to tell him of the horrible hell I was living in. The only true part that did come true; I am living in Hell and Wayne isn't really coming back.

I had to go and do shopping for Ryan's party tomorrow. I had to drag myself to do it. I am not looking forward to tomorrow, but our little boy deserves to have a special 1st birthday party. Ryan is such a wonderful and handsome little guy. I really hope he grows up to look like Wayne. I didn't know Wayne as a teenager, but have seen pictures and his graduation picture and his son Jimmy's graduation picture look identical. I found Wayne to be the most handsome man I ever laid eyes on. He was an outdoor guy, a hard working man and enjoyed getting his hands dirty. I loved every bump, scape, nick and scar on his hands. He could build and fix everything. He was always working on something. I gave him enough projects and unfortunetly, he wasn't able to finish them all. They say God needed Wayne for a special job. I hope he is having a good time with his family and friends.

The first picture that popped up tonight of Wayne was at a NASCAR race last year. Wayne and I enjoyed watching and going to NASCAR races. We went to Dover for the last 4 years, Daytona in 2003 and a Pocono race. We were lucky to have met some people who gave us the opportunity to go to the races and have the experiences of a life time. We got to go into the pits, meet the drivers, go into their haulers, stay trackside at the hotel and meet a bunch of nice people. Last June, 2 days after Ryan was born, I sent him off to the Dover race. I told him to go and have fun and we (Ryan and I) would be fine. He did go and kept calling every hour. He finally couldn't take being away from us, he left shortly after the race started and drove home to be with his family. I made him go. I wanted him to have fun.

We went with Ryan in September. We had a nice time and Wayne was so proud to tell everyone he had a new son and show off his picture. We wheeled him around the hotel in his stroller and everyone commented on how beautiful he was. If Wayne wasn't pushing him around, he was carrying him and smiled from ear to ear whenever someone made a remark about Ryan. He held Ryan in his big strong arms as we sat in our room and watched the Busch race and Cup race. We had our "1st" race together. We were supposed to go back to Dover this June, but never got to go back together. I know Wayne was there, because Ryan Newman got the pole and he was Wayne's driver.

We enjoyed the races so much. The first time we ever went to Dover, Wayne ran into people he knew from Flemington in the parking lot. There wasn't a place we could go, that Wayne didn't know someone. We've been to different states, different places and he always knew someone. That's just Wayne's life. He knew everyone. I guess it's because he's been here his whole life and was a cop for 28 years.

I miss him so very much and hope he knows that I am writing about him. Trying to express my love and gratitue of him for all the world to read and know. I know in my heart that Wayne knew how in love I was with him and I know how in love he was with myself and Ryan. I am thankful that he was in my life for 15 years. He taught me many things and I will teach them to Ryan. If when I met him years ago and knew that I would end up alone at this point of the game, would I change it? Not for anything in the world. I was blessed to have his love. He made me very happy and I know one day when it's my time, he will do so on the other side.

As Wayne's favorite song "The Dance" goes, "Our lives, there better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance"

I can't wait to dance with him again, one day.

Kim

Friday, June 09, 2006

How Life Changes In An Instant. (5)


I can't believe tomorrow will be one month since Wayne passed away. It feels like it happened yesterday. To me, I feel as if I am standing on the beach at high tide and keep getting pounded with waves that keep knocking me over.

I know I am setting myself up for a very hard day tomorrow. I keep thinking in my mind that this is a bad reality show and tomorrow he will come home. I will be upset that he put us all thru this horrible pain, but be so thankful to see and hold him again. Unfortunetly, that is not the case, thought I wish it with all of my heart. I want Wayne to come home already. He has been away long enough.


I am very torn and emotionally a mess. We are having Ryan's birthday party on Sunday and it is tearing me up inside that Wayne will not be here to celebrate with us. I don't really know how I am going to manage to put a smile on my face and try to have a nice day. Everyone will be laughing and enjoying the conversation with each other. I will be dying inside and feeling so very alone. When ever we attended a party or whatever, of couse we would get seperated and have conversations with other people, but I knew I could look across the room and he would be looking for me also. Our eyes would meet and we would smile at each other. It was our small comfort. I am going to be so lost tomorrow, as it is our first real gathering since his passing. I know I will be scanning the room for him and it is going to be heartbreaking not to see him looking back at me.

Wayne and I had such a close relationship. We discussed everything together. How much to trim off my hair, shoe choices, what movies to rent, what outfits to buy Ryan and what colors looked best on him. When we got married, I didn't think he wanted to be too involved in some of the small things. I once made a decision without him and he told me that I hurt his feelings. I felt so bad inside. Wayne taught me the value of "We" or "Us" not "Me" or "I". As a couple, we are a "We" he would say. There is no more "ME". We are one. He shared everything he had with me and I the same with him. The only thing Wayne wouldn't share was his garage. It was HIS garage and had to be filled with tools and hunting stuff. If I put something of mine in the garage, he would bring it in the house and set it on the kitchen floor, as to say " You have the whole house, the garage is mine". Actually, he did say that. Wayne loved going to Harbor Freight, Home Depot or where ever and buying tool, tools and more tools. Oh yeah, Sears! He never had enough tools or space to store them. Wayne liked to hang out in his garage. It was his "manly" spot. No frilly stuff, no girly stuff and no one elses things in his domain. During the Winter, he would go out into the garage, plug in his redy-heater and just putz around. He would always find something to tinker with and spend hours out there. I would go out and join him and if someone came over to visit, you would find yourself out there to. I go out in the garage now and look around at what was Wayne. It is filled with tools, deer heads, hunting gear and memories, but it is so very empty. It is just a garage without him there. I started to clean up in there and get things back in order as he would have them. It's just very hard, knowing I'll never see him sitting on his dirty swivel chair again. I'll never hear the music playing in the garage and him trying to sing along. I'll never see him working on the Christmas lawn ornaments trying to get all the lights to work or chat with him as he sharpens his mower blades for work.

This weekend is going to be a test. A test of how strong I can be. I know I have to try and do my best for Ryan. It is his first birthday party and he won't remember it, but he is our special little boy and only deserves the best.

I'll keep you posted. Thank you for reading.

Kim

Thursday, June 08, 2006

How Life Changes In An Instant (4)



Well tonight I went to a grief group. I was the youngest one their, by half their ages. I was worried at first and didn't think I would fit in. I quickly noticed that pain and suffering comes in all forms. Most of the people there lost their spouses to long bouts of illness. My loss was sudden and unexpected. I think going helped a bit. I realized many other people are going thru the same thing and we are all at different stages.

So, what shall I write about Wayne tonight? I guess I'll talk about fatherhood for Wayne. He has 4 children; Dwayne, Michaela, Jimmy and Ryan. Wayne loved the outdoors. He loved to hunt with Dwayne and Jimmy. He would get excited every Fall when it was time to get back out in the woods. He traveled with his son Dwayne, to New York state each year to hunt with some of his State Police buddies. This made Wayne happy. To hunt with his son and hang out with the guys. He wouldn't miss it for the world. He liked if there was snow on the ground, he said it made it more peaceful. I would always wish him "Good shooting" and he would be like a little kid and ask "Will I Score?" I always said yes, because I knew he would have the patience to wait in the cold for the perfect buck. He had the desire and control to wait hours on end to get the perfect buck. Wayne wouldn't just shoot for the kill. He wanted something good, something he could tell people about. He was a great hunter and would always comment on how people could just shoot small bucks just for the kill. This bothered him. He wasn't taught to hunt that way. He passed this skill on to his son Dwayne and he has perfected it even more.

Wayne enjoyed hunting with his son Jimmy. As he has gotten older, he hasn't hunted much. Wayne missed hunting with him and always hoped he would get back into it. Hunting is a Pedrick family tradition. Wayne also enjoyed coaching football when Jimmy was in the Falcons. He loved doing anything he could with Jimmy and sports always seemed to be their thing.

Wayne's daughter Michaela, is a beautiful woman and Wayne enjoyed watching her grow from his "Little Girl", to a who she is today. Wayne and Michaela were very close. Not a day went by that she didn't make him laugh or put a smile on his face. She is very independent and made Wayne proud with her accomplishments. They enjoyed when they had the opportunity to go shopping together. He would go anywhere with her, as long as she went to Costco with him. He loved to go and walk around with no purpose. He liked "looking".

Wayne had raised his 3 children right and was enjoying retirement. Along came Ryan. Wayne was so proud to have a new son and so was I. We didn't care if we had a boy or girl, as long as they were healthy. Wayne didn't want to know the sex of our child and I wanted to. After a few months, I got excited about not knowing also. I can honestly look back and say that not knowing was the greatest present ever. It made it all the more exciting. Wayne was the one to announce in the delivery room that we had a son. His name is Ryan Ford Pedrick. We both agreed we liked the name Ryan, after Ryan Newman (#12 NASCAR driver) Ford is because daddy could have had a new truck or a baby and he chose to have a baby.

Wayne was such a wonderful father to Ryan. I was very afraid of having this new life in our hands to take care of. He assured me it would be okay and I would be a great mom. One night after my mom left to go home, Ryan was 11 days old. Wayne was working and I slept out in the living room so we wouldn't disturb him. Ryan awoke and was crying. I couldn't get him to stop. I tried everything. It had to be 2am and I stood in the middle of our living room, holding Ryan and crying along with him. All of the sudden, Wayne was holding us and telling me it would be okay. He took Ryan and rocked him for over an hour, until he fell back to sleep. That was the defining moment of my new motherhood that I knew it was going to be okay. Wayne gave me the confidence I needed.

Wayne and I enjoyed watching every new moment in Ryan's life. We were blessed as a family, that with Wayne being retired, he got to spend everyday with Ryan and I. Even though it was landscaping season, Wayne would go out and work and stop in between jobs to see how we were doing. We had the perfect life. Wayne couldn't stay away too long during the day, because he said he missed us. I had to make him go to work sometimes.

Wayne had this amazing patience that he taught me. I use to be a bit uptight and have very little patience. Being a mom made all of that change. When I would get flusterd, I could look over at Wayne and he would just smile his big "Wayne" smile and I was okay.

I know we were blessed that Wayne got almost a whole year to spend with Ryan everyday. He truly loved being a "daddy" again and I know Ryan was the apple of his eye. Ryan is a "Daddy's Boy" and sometimes I got jealous, because I changed all his diapers and gave birth to him. Ryan would drop me like a hot potato when Daddy walked into the room. (It really didn't bother me, I just busted his hump)

A lot of people say that Ryan looks just like Wayne and I hope he grows up to look like him. Wayne was the most handsome man I have ever laid eyes on. I hope that Ryan takes after his Daddy and enjoys the outdoors, sports (The Yankees) and hunting. I know his brothers will teach him all the in's and out's of both, since they are both gifted with both.

Wayne also became a Grandfather to two beautiful children, Zachary and Jordy. They are Dwayne and Laura's children. He was so proud to be called "Pop-Pop". He loved seeing the excitement in their eyes for birthday's and Christmas. On Christmas two years ago, Zachary had a cold. We went over in the morning to see the presents that Santa left. Zachary wasn't too into opening presents and this made Wayne hurt inside. That night as we were having Christmas dinner, a tear rolled down his cheek. I asked what was wrong. He was still so sad and heartbroken inside that Zachary wasn't feeling well on Christmas.
Wayne was a very caring man and ALWAYS put others and their feelings before his own. He loved the Christmas season and wanted to see everyone happy.

Thank you for taking the time to read about my husband. I enjoy writing about him and it brings a smile to my face as I think about all the memories that we shared Wayne was an amazing person and I know his passing is very difficult for all of people who's lives he touched. Please check back often for more posts.

Kind regards, Kim

How Life Changes In An Instant (3)


Tonight is 4 weeks since I lost my wonderful husband. It is not getting any easier. I miss him so very much and I hurt inside, every minute of everyday.
Wayne was my best friend. My true soul mate. He was 58 and I am 33, yet we got along better than any other couple we knew. We had our times that we had to be serious, but lived life to have fun and not be so serious and enjoy what we had. So many people are on scheduels and have to do the same thing at the same time and so forth. We did what we wanted, when we wanted, even having a baby.
I consider Ryan and I lucky that we were able to spend the last year together, everyday. When I went on materninty leave, we knew I was never going back. Since Wayne was a retired police officer, we got to spend everyday together. He had a landscaping business, so he would go to work for a bit, then stop home and see us and go back out for awhile. But we did get to spend the whole winter together as a family and he had just started back to mowing in April.
Wayne and I were so happy. Before we got married, I woke up one morning and the windows were covered up outside and I couldn't see out. I went outside to see what was going on. My husband hired a company to come and paint the house, so it would look nice when everyone came back after the wedding and the next day. I liked the colors of a house down the road and he told me he went up on their porch and held color samples to try and get the best match. That is just one example of his love for me and his quite kindness. He truly made all my dreams come true. He always went out of his way to do nice things for people. He was working on our pool up until an hour prior to our wedding. There was paint stuck in the filter and he kept working til he had to get ready, again, so it would look nice the next day when people came over. God, this hurts so much. So many people beside myself lost a great man in their life. He was icon of our town and everyone knew and liked him.
I kind of enjoy writing on here. I don't like that I am writing about losing my husband, but getting my thoughts out, kind of helps.
I am doing alot of reading at night, since I can't sleep. I am learning that on the other side, there is no time concept and that we will be together again. I have to believe in that. I have to pray that he will be there for me when it is my time. Without that, life would be even more empty.
It is so difficult waking every morning without him, knowing I will not have the luxury of seeing his wonderful smile or having him kiss me. We enjoyed the 1st hour of every morning, playing with Ryan. I miss that so very much. We laughed at watching Ryan make funny faces and experience new things.
My life seems so empty now. My happiness seems so long ago. I long for one more moment like that. I am scared and afraid that I now have to do this on my own and learn a new road to travel down. I drove off a cliff and there was no warning on the road. I have now landed somewhere that I never knew existed and have to find a new way home.

I want everyone to know what a wonderful, loving man my husband was. He had a great career as a cop for 28 years. He was a great police officer. In the month of December, if he pulled you over for speeding, he would say "You weren't wearing your seatbelt" and the people would be like, what? And he would say "a seatbelt ticket s $45.00 and a speeding ticket is $???" and they would catch on. If they had a child in the car, he would let them go and tell them to go buy a present for their child with what the ticket would have been. He was so cool like that. Everyone loved his "cop" stories. Even if you heard them before, it was wonderful to hear him tell them again. He had such passion in how he spoke. My poor husband hated the whole cop and donut association. When we were dating, I use to send him to Dunkin Donuts during the Winter for hot coco and he would grunt about it, but still go. He wasn't the donut shop cop.
We had so many fun times together when he was a cop. He worked with some other cool guys and they had a great squad. It was very sad and hard to see them say goodbye to their Sergeant. They showed a great deal of respect for him at the services. There were 2 officers on each side of the casket and the cops switched every 1/2 hour. The did a final good bye the day of the funeral and carried him out and there had to be atleast 20 cops outside saluting as they walked by. It was very beautiful, but god, so heart wrenching. These were his friends and co-workers. (some of them were new and didn't know him, but showed their respect) Not many cops these days have a great career like he did or as long.
Well, that's all I have for tonight. I am actually getting a bit tired. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
Kim

How Life Changes In An Instant. (2)


Hi Everyone:
Well, we made it thru the weekend. We stayed at my sisters and I am thankful for that. The pain is coming home tonight and everone falls asleep and I am left here awake and on the computer. At least my sister slept in bed with me and I felt safe and secure.
I have failed to mention that my 12 year old neice and 9 year old nephew are living with us. So I have to come home for them to go to school.
It is still so hard to find a way to function daily without Wayne. I miss him every minute of everyday.
I heard the new song by Rascal Flatts this weekend and it just killed me. I think it's "What hurts the most" or something like that. I bawled over and over again, but kind of felt cleansed after.
I was begging so hard for signs on Thursday, for Ryan's birthday and didn't notice anything.
Well yesterday during the day, the kids leap frog table went off. I thought one of her kids must have bumped it and I didn't see.Well last night, we were watching 2 weeks notice (my husband enjoyed watching the girly flicks with me, Sweet Home Alabama, Maid in Manhatten, 2 weeks notice) and the table went off again. I didn't pay much attention to it. About 10 minutes later, it did it again and all the kids were asleep. I said "Is that you honey, are you here?" My sister came in the room and a funny part where she gets hit in the head with a tennis ball and I said, Wayne liked this part and it went off again.
I said I need to change the batteries and see if that is the cause. My sister said they were changed during the week and that it has NEVER done that. I did it about 6 different times. She and I know he was there. I was so thankful for the sign, because I was missing him so much.
Then, we went ot bed at 11:30 last night. About 10 minutes after we got in bed, we heard something fall and go boom. We both liftted our heads to see if one of the kids would come walking in the room and nothing.
When I talked to my Mom this morning, she said she was on her computer last night and at 11:30, she heard something fall downstairs and her and the cats noticed (they lifted their heads). When she went downstairs later, she saw nothing.
Go figure... Sign or coincidence? My husband and my mom were best of friends too.
I miss Wayne so very much. He is my best friend in the whole world and I know I am living now, but feel like the old saying' I am in Hell on Earth" I hate thinking everyday that I have to live my whole life still without him and wait for it to be my time.
I would NEVER harm myself, but god, I would give it all up right now if I knew I would be with him again. I have to now be mom and dad for Ryan and it's very tough. I don't want to do anything but curl up and die, but I can't do that because of Ryan.
I still don't know if I fully, honestly get it. I tell myself at night that he is away on a hunting trip and that's how I am able to fall asleep. I just want him to come home. I want to see his smile. I want to touch him, hold him, hug and caress him.
My husband was such a kind, gentle teddy bear. He intimidated alot of people because of his muscular size and being a cop. I was intimidated when I first met him. He was a manly man, yet he would go shopping with me. For each holiday, when Halmark came out with the new animated whatever, he would go out and get it for me. He had no problem going to buy formula, diapers or pads for me. He wasn't afraid to say "I Love You" in front of his buddies and take some ribbing from them. He was secure with who he was. He could fix anything and build anything. He truly was a great man.
Thank you so much for reading all of my posts and replying back. It does help me get thru the night.
Thank you: Kim

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

How life changes in an instant.


My title says it all. I am 33 years old and lost my wonderful, amazing husband, Wayne Pedrick 3 weeks ago tonight. It was very sudden and totally unexpected. It is the worst day of my life and can't imagine life being worse.
Everyone tells me to write and talk about my feelings and hopefully it will help me work thru the pain I am feeling.
Our life was wonderful. We have the most beautiful little boy and he will be on on June 1st. I am very sad that Wayne will not physically be here to celebrate the 2nd most exciting day of my life. The 1st was marrying him.
Wayne was and still remains to be my best friend. We did everything together. We were two peas in a pod. While my husband knew everyone in the world, we enjoyed just being together and even happier with the birth of our son.
I am heartbroken, lonely and afraid. One day I was 1/2 of a whole and now I am just a broken half and don't know how or what life is going to be like without Wayne here everyday.
I am so thanful for our son. He truly is handsome and amazing. He is such a happy baby and Wayne enjoyed every moment he had with Ryan, even when he was cranky.
Tonight is especially hard for me because it is 3 weeks ago tonight that my world came to an abrupt horrible halt. It is also a year ago tonight at almost the same time that I started to go into labor with our son. I was so excited and decided to let Wayne sleep and not disturb him, as he worked hard during the day and I still had a long way to go.
I was blessed with a short labor and everything went perfect. We didn't know the sex of our child and I was elated when he was born and Wayne told me we had a son. A son is cool. He gets to carry on the family name. We fell in love with him instantly. We had so many dreams and plans and things to do with Ryan.
I am greatful that Wayne got to spend almost a whole year with Ryan. We went everywhere. We went on mini vacations and to the shore, parades and such. Ryan is a flirt and Wayne enjoyed watching him flirt and pick up all the ladies wherever we went.
I'm sure this blog is going to be reallllly long and take a long time to write, but I hope this helps me feel better by writing it and telling the world how much of a wonderful man Wayne Pedrick is and was and how many lives he touched.
I have never met another person with the pride, integrity and love that he had. Wayne was an honest, passionate and giving person. He would help anyone and not ask for anything in return.
He would go without and put others before his needs. He was caring, loving and strong yet gentle. Wayne was a "mans man." Everyone liked to be around him and he knew everyone.
This is going to be really tough for me, but if anyone reads this, I hope when they are done reading, they will understand the love we shared, how wonderful Wayne was and how devistated I am without him.
Okay, so here is my story:

I met Wayne Pedrick in 1991. I was 18 almost turning 19. He was a police Sergeant and very handsome. Our first encounter was at a party that got a bit out of control and they were called. I got my first glimpse of him.
About a week later, I had left a friend's wedding and the drive of the vehicle I was in, got pulled over. We ended up at the police station. (I know this isn't looking good for me, but I was never in trouble or a trouble maker) I saw Wayne again. He was getting of duty and wearing light grey champion shorts and a light pink shark tournament fishing shirt. (I have a good memory)
About a month or so later, I was leaving work and had a cold. It was 2am and I had to get something to feel better. (It was July, hot and sucked to be sick)
I went to the closest store that was open and made my purchase. As I walked out, there he was, in his unmarked police car. He said "What, your a snot and you can't say Hi?" I stood there and we talked for awhile. We ended up talking all night long. I was hooked. He was more than I imagined. I knew from that night on, we were ment to be together.