Laugh, call me crazy, but I have to believe Wayne had a hand in it.
I have been debating for months now, if I should buy a new laptop. Wayne and I had discussed it prior to his passing and he said I could get this one computer I have been drooling over. I never ordered it.
I asked Wayne this morning, if it was okay with him if I went and got a new laptop. It wasn't the one I really wanted, but it would do the trick. I was a less expensive computer. I asked him, "If it is okay with you that I go buy a laptop today, have my mom call me by 10:30am". It was like 10:10am and 10:30am came and went with no phone call.
I had some errands to do and on my way home, I thought, I'm going to just run up to Best Buy and "look" at what they have available. When we went into the store and rounded the corner to the computer department, there was not one laptop in the whole store. Not one on display, not one in the back, not one to be sold in the whole store.
I could not believe my eyes or my luck. I have to believe that this was Wayne's way of telling me "Told you No, don't ya' listen?" Either he really didn't want me to get a laptop today or doesn't want me to get something less than what I really wanted. Still waiting for a sign from in with the "reason".
But honestly, what are the odds of walking into a store known for selling computers and there was not one available? Seriously and honestly... There wasn't even a stinkin' picture of a laptop to be found. I took that as my sign and went home.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
On Oprah
Well, I'm watchng Oprah and kind of disagree with her today, or the people who are on the show. She is saying that you can't expect your partner, to complete you. I disagree.
Maybe Wayne and I were just lucky. He truly did complete me, the parts that were not whole, became whole, with him in my life. I have to believe the same with me to him.
Our marriage was very special. When I look around at others I know or watch shows, I am surprised. Wayne and I were best friends. From the moment we met until the day he died, we enjoyed each other so much.
In 15 years, we were still teaching each other things and learning about and with each other. Not one day went by, that I would rather do something else, than be with Wayne. We stayed up late, having fun, talking, remembering our beginning, enjoying our present and we made each other whole.
I know we both were not Saints, but we had a wonderful, special and unique relationship. Despite our age difference, we were two peas in a pod. We were addicted to each other. We had so much fun together, even if we were doing nothing.We both had our flaws and worked on them together or accepted each other for who we were.
Wayne was my strength. He was my sunshine, my moon light and everything in between.
If he was changing the blades on his mower, I would sit outside and chat with him. If he was cutting the grass, I would sit on the porch and watch and give an occasional "flash" as he came near. If he was stacking firewood on the porch, I would help. If he was cleaning the garage, I'd have him put the ready heater on and warm it up and go out and keep him company. And as for as many things that I can think of, being with him while he had things to do, he loved me in the same way back.
We had to most special relationship possible. I know I will never have that again. A great love only happens once in a lifetime. I am thankful for the fond and amazing memories I have in my heart and mind. Wayne touched my soul and became part of who I was. Thank you.
He loved and accepted my being anal, my "10 more mintues" in the morning, my "Honey, can you do this", my "I have an idea" and any other crazy thing that came out of my mouth. He could care less if I put makeup on each day, fixed my hair or made sure the laundry was done. There was always tomorrow..... So we thought!
I know it is because of the strong love we shared and the strength Wayne gave me, that keeps me going each day. Keep going for our son. He would be so mad at me if I just gave up and wasn't the best parent I could be to Ryan.
The void in my heart will never mend, but I have to hope that I will find the right mix of not having to let go of the past, but be able to embrace the future. That I will find the "who I am now" and be happy with that and be able to give Ryan and I, the best life possible.
Maybe Wayne and I were just lucky. He truly did complete me, the parts that were not whole, became whole, with him in my life. I have to believe the same with me to him.
Our marriage was very special. When I look around at others I know or watch shows, I am surprised. Wayne and I were best friends. From the moment we met until the day he died, we enjoyed each other so much.
In 15 years, we were still teaching each other things and learning about and with each other. Not one day went by, that I would rather do something else, than be with Wayne. We stayed up late, having fun, talking, remembering our beginning, enjoying our present and we made each other whole.
I know we both were not Saints, but we had a wonderful, special and unique relationship. Despite our age difference, we were two peas in a pod. We were addicted to each other. We had so much fun together, even if we were doing nothing.We both had our flaws and worked on them together or accepted each other for who we were.
Wayne was my strength. He was my sunshine, my moon light and everything in between.
If he was changing the blades on his mower, I would sit outside and chat with him. If he was cutting the grass, I would sit on the porch and watch and give an occasional "flash" as he came near. If he was stacking firewood on the porch, I would help. If he was cleaning the garage, I'd have him put the ready heater on and warm it up and go out and keep him company. And as for as many things that I can think of, being with him while he had things to do, he loved me in the same way back.
We had to most special relationship possible. I know I will never have that again. A great love only happens once in a lifetime. I am thankful for the fond and amazing memories I have in my heart and mind. Wayne touched my soul and became part of who I was. Thank you.
He loved and accepted my being anal, my "10 more mintues" in the morning, my "Honey, can you do this", my "I have an idea" and any other crazy thing that came out of my mouth. He could care less if I put makeup on each day, fixed my hair or made sure the laundry was done. There was always tomorrow..... So we thought!
I know it is because of the strong love we shared and the strength Wayne gave me, that keeps me going each day. Keep going for our son. He would be so mad at me if I just gave up and wasn't the best parent I could be to Ryan.
The void in my heart will never mend, but I have to hope that I will find the right mix of not having to let go of the past, but be able to embrace the future. That I will find the "who I am now" and be happy with that and be able to give Ryan and I, the best life possible.
Grief turning to anger
I find that the grief I have, is turning into anger. Don't get me wrong, I still miss Wayne with all of my heart, but I am down right ticked off with what has happened. I am angry that God took a man, who was happy, away from his family. An honest, hardworking man, who always did the right thing. I am angry because the plans we had will never happen now.
I am not happy with my "new" life. It is boring and I am just living day to day. The "old" me is gone forever and I just want our old life back. I want to wake up and be happy, not have this big chunk of my heart missing. I want to wake up and not worry about what new challanges I will have to face alone. Wayne was my rock, he was always there for me. I could always depend on him. Sometimes he looked out for me better than I did for myself.
It has been a long, hard last 8 months. I wish everyday, that this was just a bad nightmare or some type of reality show. I still can't comprehend everything that has happened. I still can't believe that he is gone. I carry on each day, waiting for him to come home. Waiting for this to be over and go back to normal.
I am angry, that he is not here to see Ryan grow, laugh, run, hop "prance", laugh out loud, yell at the dogs, watch the deer, yell "shut the door", ride his quad.... I'm pissed off. It's just not fair. He was so in love with his little boy and his other children and family. He was such a hard working person, too hard at times. Why did God take him, why now? Why leave me here alone with our baby. Our child needs his daddy.
I recently had Ryan stand at the foot of the bed before nite nite and he put his hands together and says "nite, nite Daddy... Love you" THAT KILLS ME!!!!!
I am filled with memories of our life together daily and I don't want to go forward. My past, our past, was the best part of my life. I feel like I have missed out on Ryan's last 8 months of life. In May, I would hold him and he'd fall asleep, now he's a big boy and doesn't need mom's help with that. In that respect, I've blinked and Ryan is getting bigger, each time I open my eyes.
I don't know when or if I'm going to feel better. I can't see that I will. I can just make the pain of losing Wayne go away. I don't want to let anyone new in my life. I know I should be making new friends and doing things, but I don't want to. I'm sure people are tired of hearing me talk about what happened, but how can I stop? It consumes me daily. I am reminded that I am alone, daily. I am reminded daily, that Wayne is never coming back for us. He'll never be there again for me to talk to, laugh with, ask questions, ask for help and most important, to love and have fun with.
So, when I put this all together, I'm one ticked off person. I am in a place I never imagined myself in at this point of my life. I am tired of "being" strong and keeping a brave face on all the time. My life sucks right now and you can't imagine how much my heart aches, unless you are in my shoes. The void I have, not having my best friend by my side daily is in my face reality. I would do anything to bring Wayne back. I would give anything for just one more day. One day to have closure, one day to say goodbye.
His passing was the most unexpected event that I could have ever imagined in my life. I often wonder, how Wayne would be dealing with this, if the roles were reversed. I think he would be in a better place than I am. He always had things to do and would keep himself busy. I know he would miss me, but I have to believe he would find a way to be happy again. I'll never know.
Anyway, I'm sure this blog doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I have a million thoughts going thru my head right now and am just writing as I think it.Well, I guess that's about all I have for tonight.
Thank you for reading.....
I am not happy with my "new" life. It is boring and I am just living day to day. The "old" me is gone forever and I just want our old life back. I want to wake up and be happy, not have this big chunk of my heart missing. I want to wake up and not worry about what new challanges I will have to face alone. Wayne was my rock, he was always there for me. I could always depend on him. Sometimes he looked out for me better than I did for myself.
It has been a long, hard last 8 months. I wish everyday, that this was just a bad nightmare or some type of reality show. I still can't comprehend everything that has happened. I still can't believe that he is gone. I carry on each day, waiting for him to come home. Waiting for this to be over and go back to normal.
I am angry, that he is not here to see Ryan grow, laugh, run, hop "prance", laugh out loud, yell at the dogs, watch the deer, yell "shut the door", ride his quad.... I'm pissed off. It's just not fair. He was so in love with his little boy and his other children and family. He was such a hard working person, too hard at times. Why did God take him, why now? Why leave me here alone with our baby. Our child needs his daddy.
I recently had Ryan stand at the foot of the bed before nite nite and he put his hands together and says "nite, nite Daddy... Love you" THAT KILLS ME!!!!!
I am filled with memories of our life together daily and I don't want to go forward. My past, our past, was the best part of my life. I feel like I have missed out on Ryan's last 8 months of life. In May, I would hold him and he'd fall asleep, now he's a big boy and doesn't need mom's help with that. In that respect, I've blinked and Ryan is getting bigger, each time I open my eyes.
I don't know when or if I'm going to feel better. I can't see that I will. I can just make the pain of losing Wayne go away. I don't want to let anyone new in my life. I know I should be making new friends and doing things, but I don't want to. I'm sure people are tired of hearing me talk about what happened, but how can I stop? It consumes me daily. I am reminded that I am alone, daily. I am reminded daily, that Wayne is never coming back for us. He'll never be there again for me to talk to, laugh with, ask questions, ask for help and most important, to love and have fun with.
So, when I put this all together, I'm one ticked off person. I am in a place I never imagined myself in at this point of my life. I am tired of "being" strong and keeping a brave face on all the time. My life sucks right now and you can't imagine how much my heart aches, unless you are in my shoes. The void I have, not having my best friend by my side daily is in my face reality. I would do anything to bring Wayne back. I would give anything for just one more day. One day to have closure, one day to say goodbye.
His passing was the most unexpected event that I could have ever imagined in my life. I often wonder, how Wayne would be dealing with this, if the roles were reversed. I think he would be in a better place than I am. He always had things to do and would keep himself busy. I know he would miss me, but I have to believe he would find a way to be happy again. I'll never know.
Anyway, I'm sure this blog doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I have a million thoughts going thru my head right now and am just writing as I think it.Well, I guess that's about all I have for tonight.
Thank you for reading.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)