Today was difficult!

I'm not sure exactly why, but today was difficult for me. I was busy doing things and Ryan was being watched by a friend. I suddenly got that "tunnel hearing" inside my head and thought of Wayne. I thought back to about a month or so prior to his passing, he had said he heard a "swishing" sound in his ear. I didn't pay to much attention to it and just figured it was like the "tunnel hearing" you sometimes get. About a week or less before his passing, he complained of an ear ache. The first I have ever heard of from him in all our 15 years together.
I guess today it hit me again, that had I made him go to the doctor for his check up and to have them look into his blocked artery, I could have possibly prevented his passing. I was too selfish and not a good partner. I should have listend harder and thought about the slow block they said he had going on.

I broke down and cried infront of my 9 year old nephew and felt so bad. I know this is tough on him too and I just lost it for a few minutes and it has stayed inside me all day and still now.I guess I always thought of Wayne as being invinsible, that nothing could or would happen to him. It's going to be 5 months on Tuesday and I still miss him so badly. I just want him to come home. I want to see his eyes, his smile and kiss him. I want him to wrap his strong arms around me and give me a big Wayne hug. The kind where I feel so safe, loved and secure. I miss having someone love me. I miss hearing "I Love You". I miss being touched, tickled and poked. I miss our "Who can lay down first" backrub sessions. Wow, writing tonight is really tough. As I sit here alone and type, I have streams of tears rolling down my face. I'm so scared, alone and afraid! If only..... kills me. I'll never know. I'll never know if I made him go to the doctor, could this have been prevented. I'll never know if I did all I could that night.

I manage to wake up and go thru each day and try to be happy for Ryan, but I still feel so numb inside. I try not to discuss it too much with my family now, as I'm sure they have heard enough during these last 5 months. They have no idea how alone and sad I am inside! How every square inch in our house is filled with memories. How I walk into a room and think of we did this or we did that. Our house feels so cold and empty to me now. I am usually a like to stay at home and hibernate type of girl in the Winter and it was fun with Wayne. We LOVED to take naps for an hour or two and stay up late each night just haning out with each other. It's the time of year I go into a funk and it is quickly approaching again now and this time, I'll have to face it alone.

Hunting season has started and I see deer all over the place. I know he would be out there looking for his "bullwinkle".Wayne was a patient hunter. He would wait and wait and go days and days, just to get the perfect buck. I didn't care too much for hunting, but it was his passion and I tried to be as into it as one could be. His empty deer stand is in the woods outside our bedroom window and when I look out and see it, empty, I am sad, but it is going to remain there. This Wayne and that was his spot!

This blog has gone from okay, to balling tears, to wiping my tears to tell you how awesome Wayne was. an emotionally up and down 10 minutes...
Okay, I best quit while I'm ahead tonight. Thank you for reading. Have a nice weekend...

Kim