How Life Changes in an Instant (8)

Well, yesterday wasn't so much fun. It was the first 4th of July I have spent without Wayne in 15 years. Everyone was having fun, laughing and having a good time. I smiled when I could, but I was recalling our last 4th of July and how much fun it was, celebrating with our son, Ryan. I recalled our whole trip down to NC last year and how Ryan and I were here and Wayne flew down to be with us. The flights were all jammed up and his flight was cancelled. He had to get a connection flight and flew into Charlotte. He said he would never fly around holiday time again. It was an all day affair to get here, but Wayne would go to any length to be with us. He complained and moaned about the long day, but once he saw Ryan and I, all was forgotten. It was well worth the trip.
I have been doing more reading in the last couple of days then in the last few years. I am discovering that even though his physical person is not here for us to see and touch, he is still here. The reading helps to heal my pain and believe there is a way we will be able to connect again. Not our usual day together, but a way to understand that he exists still, on another plane, that we can't see, but believe in.
I'm sure people don't usually discuss things of this nature, but since his passing, there have been too many things happening in my life that would be considered "considences". I have learned thru reading, that his spirit is so strong, that he wants everyone he loves to Know he is still with us. loves us and that we will be together again. If anyone in my life was going to be that strong, it would be Wayne. He left a lot of unfinished business and words unsaid. He's not leaving here silently.
I am getting a bit homesicK and plan to go home tomorrow. I feel disconnected a bit, being away from home. We have been gone for awhile and I want to go home. Home to be closer to Wayne. It has been a nice time down here and I need for us to get away for awhile, but now is the time to go home, face the music and try to start a new life path for Ryan and I. I will always have Wayne's thoughts, plans and how he would handle situations in mind. I promise him to raise Ryan the best that I can. To be sure he becomes a great man liKe his father. That when it is my time to go, Wayne will be waiting for me and tell me that I did a great job and have made him proud. I will continue to live my life, wondering when it will be my time to go and that I want him to remain to be proud of me and what we set out to accomplish.
I guess that's all if have for now. I could always go on, but I would find myself getting more sad by the minute. I enjoy writting about my wonderful husband and want to be sure his memory is strong and never forgotten. He will never be forgotten by me!

Have a nice Tuesday....

How Life Changes In An Instant (7)

Today has been a tough day for me. Actually, everyday is tough. I am away at my Mom's house where Wayne, Ryan and I had so many fun times. We had just gotten home from my Mom's the Monday night before he passed. He worked so hard down here. He opened her pool, cut the grass, did weeding and whatever else he could find to do. That was Wayne. He hated to sit idle, it drove him crazy.
I look outside and tear up, remembering us out there on that sunny day, laughing and taking the pool cover off. He was so smart and knew how to do anything. He worked hard to open my Mom's pool and for some reason, her filter wasn't working right. This bugged him the whole ride home and I knew it bothered him that he'd have to wait 2 weeks to come back down to have more time to work on it and fix it. He never had the chance.
I feel lonely and disconnected from him being here. I feel since I left our house, he is not with me. I know that isn't true, but it's the pain talking.
I am thankful I have a lot of people to talk to, but no one really understands how difficult life is. I at this point, don't want to be here. I feel I have nothing left to live for. I loved Wayne with every fiber of my being and am so lonely and empty without him. Sure, I know so many people miss him, but I was with him everyday. I loved going to bed at night and cuddeling up to each other and waking in the morning to his bright smile. Even though I was grumpy sometimes. We enjoyed playing for awhile in bed with Ryan. It made us both so happy.
People tell me it will get easier. So far, it hasn't. I am consumed by our life together everyday. Consumed by the emptiness I feel. I hurts to see people going on with their lives and I am still dying inside. Half of me died that night too.
Sit and imagine all the joy you have experienced in your life for the last 15 years. Everything you have done, accomplished, hoped and dreamed for and BANG, it's all gone. Never to be seen again. No closure, no reason why and no chance to say goodbye or thank you for the wonderful love you gave me everyday. It's the toughest road I've ever been on. It hurts knowing I only got to have my "own" family for 11 months. I know no-one will ever fill Wayne's boots. He was the most special, loving, wonderful husband, friend and father. He really did make all my dreams come true. Maybe I should have given him a longer list:) It hurts knowing I choose to be alone until it is my time to go. One Life, One Love. Wayne was the man of my dreams and I always said there will never be another. To be so young and alone is terrible. I have no one to share my hopes, dreams, joys or accomplishments with anymore. We discussed everything and now I am left to fend for myself.
I have to hope and pray that love really is eternal and lives on to the other side. That when my time comes (not soon enough) that Wayne will be there with a big smile and open arms, waiting for me. I long to hear him say "I Love You" one more time. I long for him to touch me and give me his big Wayne smile. I hope when it is my time, he will meet me and tell me he is proud of the woman I became and that I raised our son right. I want Ryan to be just as great as his father was. They are pretty big boots to fill, but I think he'll do his daddy proud.

Thanks for reading. I feel better getting my thoughts out. I appreciate everyones kind words, thoughts and prayers.
Kim