On this date

Two years ago today, I was chasing Wayne around. He was booked on a flight to my Mom's and because of the holiday weekend, his flight was cancelled, he had to go to a diffrenent airport and make a connection. What should have been a 1 hr. flight, lasted him all day long, but he kept up with what was going on, so he could get to be with Ryan and I. We kept calling back and forth on our cell phones and I was going to one airport and had to turn around and go to another to pick him up. I remember being uneasy, going to an airport I've never been to before, but when I got to the arrival area and saw his big smile waiting for me, I was so happy to be with him again. I was the first time Ryan and I were away from him for a few days, so being a family again, was heart warming.

Ryan has become a water bug these last two days. He has no fear of the water and with his little swim outfit on, he's in the pool and swimming around oll on his own. I am so very proud of him, but in the pit of my stomach, I ache, ache that Wayne is not here to see him doing his "thing". Every accomplishment Ryan has made since Wayne's passing, gives me that icky feeling. I am angry that he can't be here to watch his little boy grow up. But I do know that he is watching down over us.

Man, how time flies. Two years ago, Ryan was 1 month old. I was waiting for Wayne to arrive and for him to see his Little Man and have a fun holiday weekend as a family. We did. Last year, I was away with Ryan and it was tough, missing Wayne and loning for him to be silly with me in the pool, Let me wrap my legs around him and he'd walk me around the pool, whispering sweet nothings into my ear, hugging and kissing me. (I'm a whimp with cold water, so if he carried me around, I wouldn't get my belly cold) I couldn't believe that my family wasn't together anymore. Today, the same. I watched with a smile on my face as Ryan showed me how brave he is and bit my lip with sadness. Still angry and ticked off, that here I am, forced to do this on my own. It's not what I signed up for. I signed on to have a family, my husband, our son.

We've talked alot about Wayne during the last few days and the great fun times we all had. Never letting his spirit be forgotten. I don't think that will ever happen, atleast not on my part!

So, wow, I feel better getting this off my chest. I haven't written since the one year anniversary of his passing. Every season is hard without Wayne here. At least it's Summer now and we can be out and about and have fun, best we can. Make due with what cards we've been dealt. I made a promise on his one year anniversary of his passing, that I would try to enjoy life a little bit more, for the kids sake. They all deserve it and it's up to me to make that happen. My pain and lonliness of losing Wayne will Never go away and never gets Easier, but I have to do the best that I can for the present and our future and always remember the past. The past makes us who we are today.

K