Feeling down

I've been feeling a little down lately. Feeling lonely, sad and unworthy. I am still in such shock from losing Wayne. Our son and I, my sister and her family and my mom recently went to the shore for a week. It was nice, but very different. I have been going to the shore for years with my husband. I've only ever really gone in the ocean with him, walked on the beach with him and all the other things that go along with vacation, with him. I tried the best I could to enjoy, for Ryan, but was so sad inside everyday. I kept thinking "Wayne and I did this" and so on.

My feelings of unworthyness stem from being alone. Before I met my husband, I was 19 and didn't know who I was or what I wanted to be or do. I met him and KNEW he was the man for me, despite the age difference, we clicked and that was it! I then became his wife (I was so proud) and then a mom to our wonderful son. Wayne was 1/2 of me and I was 1/2 of him. Some say we were sickening sweet, as we loved to spend every minute together and after 15 years, still didn't know enough about each other. There was always something new to learn or tell.

We pretty much made all of our decisions together, paint colors, dinner, flowers to plant, blah, blah, blah. Now that is all gone and I feel like a no one. Not important and have no purpose. Fall is coming and I have this sick feeling in my belly when I think about it. Facing it alone and knowing the holidays are around the corner. I know I have made it this far, it's almost 4 months.

It's so sad to be alone. I know my family is getting tired of me talking about him, but I have nothing else to think about. It consumes me all day, thinking about him, wondering if I will ever see him again (on the other side), thinking about the plans we had and things that needed doing. It is so painful to walk around our house, in his garage and see his projects, his clothes, his everything. No one gets it! It kills me to see these things and know he's never coming back. The person I love most in this world, the person who was Always there for me, right or wrong, is never going to touch me again, tell me it will be okay, inspire me, help me and love me, help raise our son, teach me, is not coming back for me. I feel so overwhelmed having to face the world alone. I was a somebody before, 1/2 of a team and now I feel like nothing. No one to love me.

I've been feeling like a bad mommy too. Ryan is now walking and running and getting into everything. He has also started with tantrums and I don't exactly know how or what to do. I feel like I am supposed to fix it and everyone is looking at me and making comments. I need Wayne's help, he would tell me it will be okay and be my other 1/2 when times are tough.

I just want to find a way to make it thru best I can, for Ryan and I. He deserves the best and happiest future I can provide. That is what Wayne would expect from me. I love our son so very much and he is a major reason I have come this far.

My heart breaks for anyone in my position. It hurts when you know people are tired of hearing about it, moving on and you are stuck. No one calls anymore, no one visits and no one knows just how scared and lonely I really am. In a million years, I never would have thought that at 34, I would lose my best friend, have a young baby and be alone.

I would give up anything in the world, to have 1 more day!