How Life Changes in an Instant (9)

Well tomorrow is going to be difficult. Tomorrow would be our 4 year anniversary and I am having a tough time thinking about it.Last week was 3 months since Wayne passed. Everyone says it will get easier with time, but nothing is getting easier. I still hurt everyday. I still think about Wayne everyday and wish this was all a bad night mare and I will wake and tell him how horrible it was and what I was experiencing and thinking. How lonely I was without him around. I want my heart to stop hurting, the pain to go away and the emptiness to be filled again. I feel so lonely in our house. I say it's just a house to me now, it's no longer "our" home. I miss the laughter, the commotion, the hustle and bustle of everyday life as a family. I try to force a smile everyday, but it's fake and no one really knows how I feel inside.I am trying best I can to carry on and keep our home running smooth, inside and out. My niece and nephew help an awful lot. We have mastered cutting the grass, weed whacking, cutting down trees, blowing the driveway, trying to drain the pool and everything else that needs doing. I feel impowered accomplishing all that we have, but I beg and wish I, we, could have Wayne's approval. Is he proud of us and what we are doing? Does he see how hard I am trying? It's an awful feeling, missing someone and looking for their approval, knowing it will never come. I want him to come home and say "wow, you've done great". Wayne would always compliment me when I tried to do something out of the norm of my usual life duties.
I saw him do everything and watched, so I feel I can try to fill his boots. I know I'll never keep the yard up to his standards, but I think we are doing one hell of a good job for beginners. I love cutting the grass. I think of him the whole time and feel bad that I didn't help out in the past. Though he wouldn't let me, he was a perfectionest when it came to our yard. He was the professional and it always looked beautiful!
I am doing the best I can to get by and deal with each day. I am thankful for the 15 years I had with him and know in my heart and mind, that I have memories that will last a lifetime and always make me smile. Good times and bad. Even if we fought, I loved making up with Wayne. We never stayed mad at each other. Maybe for a few minutes, until one of us said we were sorry. But, my hurt is for Ryan, our son. I hurt knowing he won't remember his father, except thru pictures and stories. He will never know the icon his father was in our town. Everyone knew Wayne. Would you expect less? He was a cop for 28 years. He knew Everyone!!! Ryan will never know how much his father loved him and enjoyed him. How his eyes lit up everytime he saw him. How excited and worried he was the day he was born and how happy we were as a family. He won't ever get to celebrate Father's Day again, he won't have Wayne here to teach him how to hunt, play baseball, work on his car, fix things or get the love he so deserves from his dad. I so wish I was the one who was gone. I love Ryan dearly and know I will do all that I can to mold him into a respectable man, but if Wayne was here, he would love him as much as I do, but he could teach him so much more. A boy deserves his dad. I know Wayne would love him with all his heart and teach him love and compassion (as I will) but he could teach him all the guy things he needs to know.I never, ever, imagined being where I am at this time in my life. Yes, I always assumed Wayne would have passed before me, because of the age difference, but not now. Not at this point in either of our lives.No matter how the dance turned out, I remain thankful for having Wayne in my life for as long as I did. Thankful for the love Wayne gave me everyday. Thankful for the amazing gift of our son. We always said we wanted to make our mark together in the world and our little boy will bring me comfort daily, I know Wayne will live on through him. I know he sees him, but I wish I could see the happiness on Wayne's face, watching Ryan learn and do new things.
4 years ago tomorrow, was the happiest day of my life and I now I am alone. Really, how life changes in an instant!