Grief turning to anger

I find that the grief I have, is turning into anger. Don't get me wrong, I still miss Wayne with all of my heart, but I am down right ticked off with what has happened. I am angry that God took a man, who was happy, away from his family. An honest, hardworking man, who always did the right thing. I am angry because the plans we had will never happen now.

I am not happy with my "new" life. It is boring and I am just living day to day. The "old" me is gone forever and I just want our old life back. I want to wake up and be happy, not have this big chunk of my heart missing. I want to wake up and not worry about what new challanges I will have to face alone. Wayne was my rock, he was always there for me. I could always depend on him. Sometimes he looked out for me better than I did for myself.

It has been a long, hard last 8 months. I wish everyday, that this was just a bad nightmare or some type of reality show. I still can't comprehend everything that has happened. I still can't believe that he is gone. I carry on each day, waiting for him to come home. Waiting for this to be over and go back to normal.

I am angry, that he is not here to see Ryan grow, laugh, run, hop "prance", laugh out loud, yell at the dogs, watch the deer, yell "shut the door", ride his quad.... I'm pissed off. It's just not fair. He was so in love with his little boy and his other children and family. He was such a hard working person, too hard at times. Why did God take him, why now? Why leave me here alone with our baby. Our child needs his daddy.

I recently had Ryan stand at the foot of the bed before nite nite and he put his hands together and says "nite, nite Daddy... Love you" THAT KILLS ME!!!!!

I am filled with memories of our life together daily and I don't want to go forward. My past, our past, was the best part of my life. I feel like I have missed out on Ryan's last 8 months of life. In May, I would hold him and he'd fall asleep, now he's a big boy and doesn't need mom's help with that. In that respect, I've blinked and Ryan is getting bigger, each time I open my eyes.

I don't know when or if I'm going to feel better. I can't see that I will. I can just make the pain of losing Wayne go away. I don't want to let anyone new in my life. I know I should be making new friends and doing things, but I don't want to. I'm sure people are tired of hearing me talk about what happened, but how can I stop? It consumes me daily. I am reminded that I am alone, daily. I am reminded daily, that Wayne is never coming back for us. He'll never be there again for me to talk to, laugh with, ask questions, ask for help and most important, to love and have fun with.

So, when I put this all together, I'm one ticked off person. I am in a place I never imagined myself in at this point of my life. I am tired of "being" strong and keeping a brave face on all the time. My life sucks right now and you can't imagine how much my heart aches, unless you are in my shoes. The void I have, not having my best friend by my side daily is in my face reality. I would do anything to bring Wayne back. I would give anything for just one more day. One day to have closure, one day to say goodbye.

His passing was the most unexpected event that I could have ever imagined in my life. I often wonder, how Wayne would be dealing with this, if the roles were reversed. I think he would be in a better place than I am. He always had things to do and would keep himself busy. I know he would miss me, but I have to believe he would find a way to be happy again. I'll never know.

Anyway, I'm sure this blog doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I have a million thoughts going thru my head right now and am just writing as I think it.Well, I guess that's about all I have for tonight.

Thank you for reading.....