Emotions are like the ocean.

One day I'm doing fine and then at the sight of Wayne's coat hanging by the garage door, I choked up. I stare loving at his casual dress jacket and think to myself, "This isn't real." Come home Honey, come back now, I miss you so much.

I find myself taking baby steps and then I see something like that and it really kicks me in the butt and reality once again hits and tells me that he's not coming back, I'm alone! Like I've always written, I know he's gone, but my heart doesn't tell me that. I wonder if I'll really ever accpet his passing. Maybe it's natures way of not letting me have a complete melt down. I miss Wayne so very much. Not a morning, afternoon or evening goes by that I don't think of him and things we've done together. Last night, we started chatting about some of our funny stories, things that we did or happened to us and we were all rolling and laughing so hard, our sides hurt. It made me smile and I was happy to remember things I hadn't thought about in awhile.

You know when you work so hard for something and you know what the goal is in the end? That's how I'm living life now, waiting for Wayne to come back and be proud of what I have accomplished. I often think this is a bad reality show and after a month, I thought he'd come home, at Christmas, I thought he'd come home and I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I think, maybe he'll come home on the 1 year anniversary, which is in May. It's so unreal to me that my strong husband didn't make it, that God didn't give him a chance. The chance you hear so many others get. While I would be ELATED and happier than any moment in my life, for him to come back to us, I have thought "Wow" my prayers have been answered then there is a part of me that says, "Oh God, that means I'll have to go thru this all over again one day". Don't take my writing wrong, I would take my best friend back for 1 day if I could. I sometimes go to bed at night and pray, please let me wake up and it it's any day in January 2006 and this didn't happen or I have the knowledge of what could happen and get him to the Doctors for a complete check-up and try to prevent the future from coming true.

Life is so lonely without Wayne. I am living, but it will never be the same!I miss my best friend with all of my heart. No amount of time can ever take that away. People think since it's been 9 months, I should start feeling better. I was never sick! I didn't lose a watch, break a glass, or make a bad choice I regret, I lost my best friend in the whole world. I lost my world!!!!!! I wake up everyday and know he's not here to smile at me, laugh at me, poke fun of me or hear him say I Love You and know he means it from the bottom of his heart. I would so much more have rathered he fell out of love with me and we seperated, at least he'd still be here. Still be here for me to call and ask questions, lean on, trust and be here be with Ryan. I am not the type of person that has feelings and wish pain or terrible things upon any person. I never wanted Wayne to have an ounce of pain for any reason, emotional or any other kind. I am so sad that he lost his life when he was so happy and had so many hopes and dreams to fullfill. I have to wonder what God was thinking when he decides to take someone.

Well, thanks for reading. I just had to vent some of my emotions today. Like my heading says, Emotions are like the ocean. One minute the tide is out and your getting by, but without knowing it, a big wave can knock you off your feet and make you think. Well, today I'm thinking.

Kim