A strange, but nice feeling.

Today was a good and bad day. I took Ryan to my sisters house so he could play with his cousins and I could get some things done around here. As usual, on my way home, alone, I start to get sad and think about Wayne. I hate not having him here to talk to, to laugh with and just have my best friend by my side. I discovered something about myself and the feelings I am having. I'm not sure if it's a real thing, but I have to call it "Survivor Guilt". I believe I have survivors guilt, as I am so upset that Wayne is gone. Angry that he was taken at such a young age and in the prime of his life. He was so happy and in love. It is true, that he busted his hump all the time and could never sit still, be he was living his life the way he wanted to.

I am not allowing myself to move forward, because I am heartbroken that he is gone and his life here, is over. How can I be happy when he is not here? How can I be happy, knowing that I will never wake up with him again, I will never fall asleep in his arms again and he won't be here for the most important, everyday stuff. So, now that I have made this discovery, I have to figure out how to act upon it and what I am supposed to do with this knowledge. When I figure out my next steps, I will let you know.

As for the heading of my blog tonight; I took Ryan to bed and he was very calm, there was a strangeness about him. He layed on his side of the bed and I proped up a smaller pillow on top of the regular pillow, so he could drink his ba and fall asleep. He first put his one arm behind his head and layed there watching t.v. He looked like Wayne laying there, watching t.v. Then, he kind of rolled over and started to wipe my eyes, as if I were crying. He was so gentle and wiped one eye, then the other and continued to do so for about a minute or two. Then, he layed his arm out and wanted me to put my head on his arm and little chest and snuggle, he grabed my other arm and litteraly, had my put it across his chest and belly. Almost exactly how I would cuddle up with Wayne. Ryan was so calm and it was such a strange feeling. Almost as if Wayne was guiding him to do this. At one point, I looked at him and he just layed there, staring at me. This lasted for about five minutes.(the staring) I'm not sure what happened, but inside, it made me feel like Wayne was around, that he heard me talking to him today and the sweet gentle touches from Ryan were via him.

Well, that's all I have for you tonight. Actually, pretty tired. We seem to keep busy so much during the week, that I am ready for bed by 6pm each night.