Emotions are like the ocean.

One day I'm doing fine and then at the sight of Wayne's coat hanging by the garage door, I choked up. I stare loving at his casual dress jacket and think to myself, "This isn't real." Come home Honey, come back now, I miss you so much.

I find myself taking baby steps and then I see something like that and it really kicks me in the butt and reality once again hits and tells me that he's not coming back, I'm alone! Like I've always written, I know he's gone, but my heart doesn't tell me that. I wonder if I'll really ever accpet his passing. Maybe it's natures way of not letting me have a complete melt down. I miss Wayne so very much. Not a morning, afternoon or evening goes by that I don't think of him and things we've done together. Last night, we started chatting about some of our funny stories, things that we did or happened to us and we were all rolling and laughing so hard, our sides hurt. It made me smile and I was happy to remember things I hadn't thought about in awhile.

You know when you work so hard for something and you know what the goal is in the end? That's how I'm living life now, waiting for Wayne to come back and be proud of what I have accomplished. I often think this is a bad reality show and after a month, I thought he'd come home, at Christmas, I thought he'd come home and I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I think, maybe he'll come home on the 1 year anniversary, which is in May. It's so unreal to me that my strong husband didn't make it, that God didn't give him a chance. The chance you hear so many others get. While I would be ELATED and happier than any moment in my life, for him to come back to us, I have thought "Wow" my prayers have been answered then there is a part of me that says, "Oh God, that means I'll have to go thru this all over again one day". Don't take my writing wrong, I would take my best friend back for 1 day if I could. I sometimes go to bed at night and pray, please let me wake up and it it's any day in January 2006 and this didn't happen or I have the knowledge of what could happen and get him to the Doctors for a complete check-up and try to prevent the future from coming true.

Life is so lonely without Wayne. I am living, but it will never be the same!I miss my best friend with all of my heart. No amount of time can ever take that away. People think since it's been 9 months, I should start feeling better. I was never sick! I didn't lose a watch, break a glass, or make a bad choice I regret, I lost my best friend in the whole world. I lost my world!!!!!! I wake up everyday and know he's not here to smile at me, laugh at me, poke fun of me or hear him say I Love You and know he means it from the bottom of his heart. I would so much more have rathered he fell out of love with me and we seperated, at least he'd still be here. Still be here for me to call and ask questions, lean on, trust and be here be with Ryan. I am not the type of person that has feelings and wish pain or terrible things upon any person. I never wanted Wayne to have an ounce of pain for any reason, emotional or any other kind. I am so sad that he lost his life when he was so happy and had so many hopes and dreams to fullfill. I have to wonder what God was thinking when he decides to take someone.

Well, thanks for reading. I just had to vent some of my emotions today. Like my heading says, Emotions are like the ocean. One minute the tide is out and your getting by, but without knowing it, a big wave can knock you off your feet and make you think. Well, today I'm thinking.

Kim

Almost 9 months.

So, the 9th will be 9 months since Wayne left. I can't believe that much time has elapsed. In one respect, it seems I have been without him a lifetime, in another, I can remember that night so vividly, like it just happened. It still makes no sense to me, why he had to go now. I still think he is coming home and I'm just doing what I am supposed to do until he gets back. Keeping the hosue clean, organizing the 1,000 toys Ryan has and pull out 20 times a day and cleaning up and getting rid of clutter. It still doesn't seem real to me. The last year of my life is not what I expected it to be. The great joy we had with our son and as a family, yes, but so much other stuff has happened and I'm in a whole different world. Life really does change in an instant, but LOVE never dies.

I had a glimmer of hope in trying to communicate with Wayne on Friday. I had gone on to Oprah's website last week and for giggles, filled out a form about wanting to communicate with a deceased loved one. Well, on Friday night, my cell rang with a number I didn't know. It was a producer from the show and we chatted awhile and he wanted me to send pictures of us and tell him about the amazing signs I have had from Wayne. The show is going to have on mediums. I was so hoping I would make it, but I didn't. The producer called me the other night at like 10pm and I was very surprised by his personal touch and kindness. He didn't have to call me or even e-mail me back, but he said he wanted to call personally before he went home. We chatted a bit and had a few laughs. I was very impressed by this, as I'm sure most of the "show biz" people don't work that way and I'm sure he talks to 10,000 hopefulls a day. The time must not have been right.

Well, that's about all I have in me for tonight. Kind of tired and the cold is horrible. Can't wait for it to atleast hit 20 degrees. Then I can bust out the suntan lotion and bikini.

A strange, but nice feeling.

Today was a good and bad day. I took Ryan to my sisters house so he could play with his cousins and I could get some things done around here. As usual, on my way home, alone, I start to get sad and think about Wayne. I hate not having him here to talk to, to laugh with and just have my best friend by my side. I discovered something about myself and the feelings I am having. I'm not sure if it's a real thing, but I have to call it "Survivor Guilt". I believe I have survivors guilt, as I am so upset that Wayne is gone. Angry that he was taken at such a young age and in the prime of his life. He was so happy and in love. It is true, that he busted his hump all the time and could never sit still, be he was living his life the way he wanted to.

I am not allowing myself to move forward, because I am heartbroken that he is gone and his life here, is over. How can I be happy when he is not here? How can I be happy, knowing that I will never wake up with him again, I will never fall asleep in his arms again and he won't be here for the most important, everyday stuff. So, now that I have made this discovery, I have to figure out how to act upon it and what I am supposed to do with this knowledge. When I figure out my next steps, I will let you know.

As for the heading of my blog tonight; I took Ryan to bed and he was very calm, there was a strangeness about him. He layed on his side of the bed and I proped up a smaller pillow on top of the regular pillow, so he could drink his ba and fall asleep. He first put his one arm behind his head and layed there watching t.v. He looked like Wayne laying there, watching t.v. Then, he kind of rolled over and started to wipe my eyes, as if I were crying. He was so gentle and wiped one eye, then the other and continued to do so for about a minute or two. Then, he layed his arm out and wanted me to put my head on his arm and little chest and snuggle, he grabed my other arm and litteraly, had my put it across his chest and belly. Almost exactly how I would cuddle up with Wayne. Ryan was so calm and it was such a strange feeling. Almost as if Wayne was guiding him to do this. At one point, I looked at him and he just layed there, staring at me. This lasted for about five minutes.(the staring) I'm not sure what happened, but inside, it made me feel like Wayne was around, that he heard me talking to him today and the sweet gentle touches from Ryan were via him.

Well, that's all I have for you tonight. Actually, pretty tired. We seem to keep busy so much during the week, that I am ready for bed by 6pm each night.