Hi Everyone:
Well, we made it thru the weekend. We stayed at my sisters and I am thankful for that. The pain is coming home tonight and everone falls asleep and I am left here awake and on the computer. At least my sister slept in bed with me and I felt safe and secure.
I have failed to mention that my 12 year old neice and 9 year old nephew are living with us. So I have to come home for them to go to school.
It is still so hard to find a way to function daily without Wayne. I miss him every minute of everyday.
I heard the new song by Rascal Flatts this weekend and it just killed me. I think it's "What hurts the most" or something like that. I bawled over and over again, but kind of felt cleansed after.
I was begging so hard for signs on Thursday, for Ryan's birthday and didn't notice anything.
Well yesterday during the day, the kids leap frog table went off. I thought one of her kids must have bumped it and I didn't see.Well last night, we were watching 2 weeks notice (my husband enjoyed watching the girly flicks with me, Sweet Home Alabama, Maid in Manhatten, 2 weeks notice) and the table went off again. I didn't pay much attention to it. About 10 minutes later, it did it again and all the kids were asleep. I said "Is that you honey, are you here?" My sister came in the room and a funny part where she gets hit in the head with a tennis ball and I said, Wayne liked this part and it went off again.
I said I need to change the batteries and see if that is the cause. My sister said they were changed during the week and that it has NEVER done that. I did it about 6 different times. She and I know he was there. I was so thankful for the sign, because I was missing him so much.
Then, we went ot bed at 11:30 last night. About 10 minutes after we got in bed, we heard something fall and go boom. We both liftted our heads to see if one of the kids would come walking in the room and nothing.
When I talked to my Mom this morning, she said she was on her computer last night and at 11:30, she heard something fall downstairs and her and the cats noticed (they lifted their heads). When she went downstairs later, she saw nothing.
Go figure... Sign or coincidence? My husband and my mom were best of friends too.
I miss Wayne so very much. He is my best friend in the whole world and I know I am living now, but feel like the old saying' I am in Hell on Earth" I hate thinking everyday that I have to live my whole life still without him and wait for it to be my time.
I would NEVER harm myself, but god, I would give it all up right now if I knew I would be with him again. I have to now be mom and dad for Ryan and it's very tough. I don't want to do anything but curl up and die, but I can't do that because of Ryan.
I still don't know if I fully, honestly get it. I tell myself at night that he is away on a hunting trip and that's how I am able to fall asleep. I just want him to come home. I want to see his smile. I want to touch him, hold him, hug and caress him.
My husband was such a kind, gentle teddy bear. He intimidated alot of people because of his muscular size and being a cop. I was intimidated when I first met him. He was a manly man, yet he would go shopping with me. For each holiday, when Halmark came out with the new animated whatever, he would go out and get it for me. He had no problem going to buy formula, diapers or pads for me. He wasn't afraid to say "I Love You" in front of his buddies and take some ribbing from them. He was secure with who he was. He could fix anything and build anything. He truly was a great man.
Thank you so much for reading all of my posts and replying back. It does help me get thru the night.
Thank you: Kim
No comments:
Post a Comment