How Life Changes In An Instant (6)

So today was just as hard as I expected it to be. I woke up this morning and my nephew took Ryan, so I could sleep in a bit longer. When I finally woke up, it hit me like a ton of bricks again. I realized that Wayne really wasn't coming back today. For some strange reason, I had it built up in my head that okay, it's been a month, time for him to come home now. We've been apart long enough. I prayed every night that this was just a bad nightmare and I would wake up soon and be able to tell him of the horrible hell I was living in. The only true part that did come true; I am living in Hell and Wayne isn't really coming back.

I had to go and do shopping for Ryan's party tomorrow. I had to drag myself to do it. I am not looking forward to tomorrow, but our little boy deserves to have a special 1st birthday party. Ryan is such a wonderful and handsome little guy. I really hope he grows up to look like Wayne. I didn't know Wayne as a teenager, but have seen pictures and his graduation picture and his son Jimmy's graduation picture look identical. I found Wayne to be the most handsome man I ever laid eyes on. He was an outdoor guy, a hard working man and enjoyed getting his hands dirty. I loved every bump, scape, nick and scar on his hands. He could build and fix everything. He was always working on something. I gave him enough projects and unfortunetly, he wasn't able to finish them all. They say God needed Wayne for a special job. I hope he is having a good time with his family and friends.

The first picture that popped up tonight of Wayne was at a NASCAR race last year. Wayne and I enjoyed watching and going to NASCAR races. We went to Dover for the last 4 years, Daytona in 2003 and a Pocono race. We were lucky to have met some people who gave us the opportunity to go to the races and have the experiences of a life time. We got to go into the pits, meet the drivers, go into their haulers, stay trackside at the hotel and meet a bunch of nice people. Last June, 2 days after Ryan was born, I sent him off to the Dover race. I told him to go and have fun and we (Ryan and I) would be fine. He did go and kept calling every hour. He finally couldn't take being away from us, he left shortly after the race started and drove home to be with his family. I made him go. I wanted him to have fun.

We went with Ryan in September. We had a nice time and Wayne was so proud to tell everyone he had a new son and show off his picture. We wheeled him around the hotel in his stroller and everyone commented on how beautiful he was. If Wayne wasn't pushing him around, he was carrying him and smiled from ear to ear whenever someone made a remark about Ryan. He held Ryan in his big strong arms as we sat in our room and watched the Busch race and Cup race. We had our "1st" race together. We were supposed to go back to Dover this June, but never got to go back together. I know Wayne was there, because Ryan Newman got the pole and he was Wayne's driver.

We enjoyed the races so much. The first time we ever went to Dover, Wayne ran into people he knew from Flemington in the parking lot. There wasn't a place we could go, that Wayne didn't know someone. We've been to different states, different places and he always knew someone. That's just Wayne's life. He knew everyone. I guess it's because he's been here his whole life and was a cop for 28 years.

I miss him so very much and hope he knows that I am writing about him. Trying to express my love and gratitue of him for all the world to read and know. I know in my heart that Wayne knew how in love I was with him and I know how in love he was with myself and Ryan. I am thankful that he was in my life for 15 years. He taught me many things and I will teach them to Ryan. If when I met him years ago and knew that I would end up alone at this point of the game, would I change it? Not for anything in the world. I was blessed to have his love. He made me very happy and I know one day when it's my time, he will do so on the other side.

As Wayne's favorite song "The Dance" goes, "Our lives, there better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance"

I can't wait to dance with him again, one day.

Kim