I can't believe tomorrow will be one month since Wayne passed away. It feels like it happened yesterday. To me, I feel as if I am standing on the beach at high tide and keep getting pounded with waves that keep knocking me over.
I know I am setting myself up for a very hard day tomorrow. I keep thinking in my mind that this is a bad reality show and tomorrow he will come home. I will be upset that he put us all thru this horrible pain, but be so thankful to see and hold him again. Unfortunetly, that is not the case, thought I wish it with all of my heart. I want Wayne to come home already. He has been away long enough.
I am very torn and emotionally a mess. We are having Ryan's birthday party on Sunday and it is tearing me up inside that Wayne will not be here to celebrate with us. I don't really know how I am going to manage to put a smile on my face and try to have a nice day. Everyone will be laughing and enjoying the conversation with each other. I will be dying inside and feeling so very alone. When ever we attended a party or whatever, of couse we would get seperated and have conversations with other people, but I knew I could look across the room and he would be looking for me also. Our eyes would meet and we would smile at each other. It was our small comfort. I am going to be so lost tomorrow, as it is our first real gathering since his passing. I know I will be scanning the room for him and it is going to be heartbreaking not to see him looking back at me.
Wayne and I had such a close relationship. We discussed everything together. How much to trim off my hair, shoe choices, what movies to rent, what outfits to buy Ryan and what colors looked best on him. When we got married, I didn't think he wanted to be too involved in some of the small things. I once made a decision without him and he told me that I hurt his feelings. I felt so bad inside. Wayne taught me the value of "We" or "Us" not "Me" or "I". As a couple, we are a "We" he would say. There is no more "ME". We are one. He shared everything he had with me and I the same with him. The only thing Wayne wouldn't share was his garage. It was HIS garage and had to be filled with tools and hunting stuff. If I put something of mine in the garage, he would bring it in the house and set it on the kitchen floor, as to say " You have the whole house, the garage is mine". Actually, he did say that. Wayne loved going to Harbor Freight, Home Depot or where ever and buying tool, tools and more tools. Oh yeah, Sears! He never had enough tools or space to store them. Wayne liked to hang out in his garage. It was his "manly" spot. No frilly stuff, no girly stuff and no one elses things in his domain. During the Winter, he would go out into the garage, plug in his redy-heater and just putz around. He would always find something to tinker with and spend hours out there. I would go out and join him and if someone came over to visit, you would find yourself out there to. I go out in the garage now and look around at what was Wayne. It is filled with tools, deer heads, hunting gear and memories, but it is so very empty. It is just a garage without him there. I started to clean up in there and get things back in order as he would have them. It's just very hard, knowing I'll never see him sitting on his dirty swivel chair again. I'll never hear the music playing in the garage and him trying to sing along. I'll never see him working on the Christmas lawn ornaments trying to get all the lights to work or chat with him as he sharpens his mower blades for work.
This weekend is going to be a test. A test of how strong I can be. I know I have to try and do my best for Ryan. It is his first birthday party and he won't remember it, but he is our special little boy and only deserves the best.
I'll keep you posted. Thank you for reading.
Kim
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