Tonight is 4 weeks since I lost my wonderful husband. It is not getting any easier. I miss him so very much and I hurt inside, every minute of everyday.
Wayne was my best friend. My true soul mate. He was 58 and I am 33, yet we got along better than any other couple we knew. We had our times that we had to be serious, but lived life to have fun and not be so serious and enjoy what we had. So many people are on scheduels and have to do the same thing at the same time and so forth. We did what we wanted, when we wanted, even having a baby.
I consider Ryan and I lucky that we were able to spend the last year together, everyday. When I went on materninty leave, we knew I was never going back. Since Wayne was a retired police officer, we got to spend everyday together. He had a landscaping business, so he would go to work for a bit, then stop home and see us and go back out for awhile. But we did get to spend the whole winter together as a family and he had just started back to mowing in April.
Wayne and I were so happy. Before we got married, I woke up one morning and the windows were covered up outside and I couldn't see out. I went outside to see what was going on. My husband hired a company to come and paint the house, so it would look nice when everyone came back after the wedding and the next day. I liked the colors of a house down the road and he told me he went up on their porch and held color samples to try and get the best match. That is just one example of his love for me and his quite kindness. He truly made all my dreams come true. He always went out of his way to do nice things for people. He was working on our pool up until an hour prior to our wedding. There was paint stuck in the filter and he kept working til he had to get ready, again, so it would look nice the next day when people came over. God, this hurts so much. So many people beside myself lost a great man in their life. He was icon of our town and everyone knew and liked him.
I kind of enjoy writing on here. I don't like that I am writing about losing my husband, but getting my thoughts out, kind of helps.
I am doing alot of reading at night, since I can't sleep. I am learning that on the other side, there is no time concept and that we will be together again. I have to believe in that. I have to pray that he will be there for me when it is my time. Without that, life would be even more empty.
It is so difficult waking every morning without him, knowing I will not have the luxury of seeing his wonderful smile or having him kiss me. We enjoyed the 1st hour of every morning, playing with Ryan. I miss that so very much. We laughed at watching Ryan make funny faces and experience new things.
My life seems so empty now. My happiness seems so long ago. I long for one more moment like that. I am scared and afraid that I now have to do this on my own and learn a new road to travel down. I drove off a cliff and there was no warning on the road. I have now landed somewhere that I never knew existed and have to find a new way home.
I want everyone to know what a wonderful, loving man my husband was. He had a great career as a cop for 28 years. He was a great police officer. In the month of December, if he pulled you over for speeding, he would say "You weren't wearing your seatbelt" and the people would be like, what? And he would say "a seatbelt ticket s $45.00 and a speeding ticket is $???" and they would catch on. If they had a child in the car, he would let them go and tell them to go buy a present for their child with what the ticket would have been. He was so cool like that. Everyone loved his "cop" stories. Even if you heard them before, it was wonderful to hear him tell them again. He had such passion in how he spoke. My poor husband hated the whole cop and donut association. When we were dating, I use to send him to Dunkin Donuts during the Winter for hot coco and he would grunt about it, but still go. He wasn't the donut shop cop.
We had so many fun times together when he was a cop. He worked with some other cool guys and they had a great squad. It was very sad and hard to see them say goodbye to their Sergeant. They showed a great deal of respect for him at the services. There were 2 officers on each side of the casket and the cops switched every 1/2 hour. The did a final good bye the day of the funeral and carried him out and there had to be atleast 20 cops outside saluting as they walked by. It was very beautiful, but god, so heart wrenching. These were his friends and co-workers. (some of them were new and didn't know him, but showed their respect) Not many cops these days have a great career like he did or as long.
Well, that's all I have for tonight. I am actually getting a bit tired. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
Kim
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