How Life Changes In An Instant (6)

So today was just as hard as I expected it to be. I woke up this morning and my nephew took Ryan, so I could sleep in a bit longer. When I finally woke up, it hit me like a ton of bricks again. I realized that Wayne really wasn't coming back today. For some strange reason, I had it built up in my head that okay, it's been a month, time for him to come home now. We've been apart long enough. I prayed every night that this was just a bad nightmare and I would wake up soon and be able to tell him of the horrible hell I was living in. The only true part that did come true; I am living in Hell and Wayne isn't really coming back.

I had to go and do shopping for Ryan's party tomorrow. I had to drag myself to do it. I am not looking forward to tomorrow, but our little boy deserves to have a special 1st birthday party. Ryan is such a wonderful and handsome little guy. I really hope he grows up to look like Wayne. I didn't know Wayne as a teenager, but have seen pictures and his graduation picture and his son Jimmy's graduation picture look identical. I found Wayne to be the most handsome man I ever laid eyes on. He was an outdoor guy, a hard working man and enjoyed getting his hands dirty. I loved every bump, scape, nick and scar on his hands. He could build and fix everything. He was always working on something. I gave him enough projects and unfortunetly, he wasn't able to finish them all. They say God needed Wayne for a special job. I hope he is having a good time with his family and friends.

The first picture that popped up tonight of Wayne was at a NASCAR race last year. Wayne and I enjoyed watching and going to NASCAR races. We went to Dover for the last 4 years, Daytona in 2003 and a Pocono race. We were lucky to have met some people who gave us the opportunity to go to the races and have the experiences of a life time. We got to go into the pits, meet the drivers, go into their haulers, stay trackside at the hotel and meet a bunch of nice people. Last June, 2 days after Ryan was born, I sent him off to the Dover race. I told him to go and have fun and we (Ryan and I) would be fine. He did go and kept calling every hour. He finally couldn't take being away from us, he left shortly after the race started and drove home to be with his family. I made him go. I wanted him to have fun.

We went with Ryan in September. We had a nice time and Wayne was so proud to tell everyone he had a new son and show off his picture. We wheeled him around the hotel in his stroller and everyone commented on how beautiful he was. If Wayne wasn't pushing him around, he was carrying him and smiled from ear to ear whenever someone made a remark about Ryan. He held Ryan in his big strong arms as we sat in our room and watched the Busch race and Cup race. We had our "1st" race together. We were supposed to go back to Dover this June, but never got to go back together. I know Wayne was there, because Ryan Newman got the pole and he was Wayne's driver.

We enjoyed the races so much. The first time we ever went to Dover, Wayne ran into people he knew from Flemington in the parking lot. There wasn't a place we could go, that Wayne didn't know someone. We've been to different states, different places and he always knew someone. That's just Wayne's life. He knew everyone. I guess it's because he's been here his whole life and was a cop for 28 years.

I miss him so very much and hope he knows that I am writing about him. Trying to express my love and gratitue of him for all the world to read and know. I know in my heart that Wayne knew how in love I was with him and I know how in love he was with myself and Ryan. I am thankful that he was in my life for 15 years. He taught me many things and I will teach them to Ryan. If when I met him years ago and knew that I would end up alone at this point of the game, would I change it? Not for anything in the world. I was blessed to have his love. He made me very happy and I know one day when it's my time, he will do so on the other side.

As Wayne's favorite song "The Dance" goes, "Our lives, there better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance"

I can't wait to dance with him again, one day.

Kim

How Life Changes In An Instant. (5)

I can't believe tomorrow will be one month since Wayne passed away. It feels like it happened yesterday. To me, I feel as if I am standing on the beach at high tide and keep getting pounded with waves that keep knocking me over.

I know I am setting myself up for a very hard day tomorrow. I keep thinking in my mind that this is a bad reality show and tomorrow he will come home. I will be upset that he put us all thru this horrible pain, but be so thankful to see and hold him again. Unfortunetly, that is not the case, thought I wish it with all of my heart. I want Wayne to come home already. He has been away long enough.

I am very torn and emotionally a mess. We are having Ryan's birthday party on Sunday and it is tearing me up inside that Wayne will not be here to celebrate with us. I don't really know how I am going to manage to put a smile on my face and try to have a nice day. Everyone will be laughing and enjoying the conversation with each other. I will be dying inside and feeling so very alone. When ever we attended a party or whatever, of couse we would get seperated and have conversations with other people, but I knew I could look across the room and he would be looking for me also. Our eyes would meet and we would smile at each other. It was our small comfort. I am going to be so lost tomorrow, as it is our first real gathering since his passing. I know I will be scanning the room for him and it is going to be heartbreaking not to see him looking back at me.

Wayne and I had such a close relationship. We discussed everything together. How much to trim off my hair, shoe choices, what movies to rent, what outfits to buy Ryan and what colors looked best on him. When we got married, I didn't think he wanted to be too involved in some of the small things. I once made a decision without him and he told me that I hurt his feelings. I felt so bad inside. Wayne taught me the value of "We" or "Us" not "Me" or "I". As a couple, we are a "We" he would say. There is no more "ME". We are one. He shared everything he had with me and I the same with him. The only thing Wayne wouldn't share was his garage. It was HIS garage and had to be filled with tools and hunting stuff. If I put something of mine in the garage, he would bring it in the house and set it on the kitchen floor, as to say " You have the whole house, the garage is mine". Actually, he did say that. Wayne loved going to Harbor Freight, Home Depot or where ever and buying tool, tools and more tools. Oh yeah, Sears! He never had enough tools or space to store them. Wayne liked to hang out in his garage. It was his "manly" spot. No frilly stuff, no girly stuff and no one elses things in his domain. During the Winter, he would go out into the garage, plug in his redy-heater and just putz around. He would always find something to tinker with and spend hours out there. I would go out and join him and if someone came over to visit, you would find yourself out there to. I go out in the garage now and look around at what was Wayne. It is filled with tools, deer heads, hunting gear and memories, but it is so very empty. It is just a garage without him there. I started to clean up in there and get things back in order as he would have them. It's just very hard, knowing I'll never see him sitting on his dirty swivel chair again. I'll never hear the music playing in the garage and him trying to sing along. I'll never see him working on the Christmas lawn ornaments trying to get all the lights to work or chat with him as he sharpens his mower blades for work.

This weekend is going to be a test. A test of how strong I can be. I know I have to try and do my best for Ryan. It is his first birthday party and he won't remember it, but he is our special little boy and only deserves the best.

I'll keep you posted. Thank you for reading.

Kim

How Life Changes In An Instant (4)

Well tonight I went to a grief group. I was the youngest one their, by half their ages. I was worried at first and didn't think I would fit in. I quickly noticed that pain and suffering comes in all forms. Most of the people there lost their spouses to long bouts of illness. My loss was sudden and unexpected. I think going helped a bit. I realized many other people are going thru the same thing and we are all at different stages.

So, what shall I write about Wayne tonight? I guess I'll talk about fatherhood for Wayne. He has 4 children; Dwayne, Michaela, Jimmy and Ryan. Wayne loved the outdoors. He loved to hunt with Dwayne and Jimmy. He would get excited every Fall when it was time to get back out in the woods. He traveled with his son Dwayne, to New York state each year to hunt with some of his State Police buddies. This made Wayne happy. To hunt with his son and hang out with the guys. He wouldn't miss it for the world. He liked if there was snow on the ground, he said it made it more peaceful. I would always wish him "Good shooting" and he would be like a little kid and ask "Will I Score?" I always said yes, because I knew he would have the patience to wait in the cold for the perfect buck. He had the desire and control to wait hours on end to get the perfect buck. Wayne wouldn't just shoot for the kill. He wanted something good, something he could tell people about. He was a great hunter and would always comment on how people could just shoot small bucks just for the kill. This bothered him. He wasn't taught to hunt that way. He passed this skill on to his son Dwayne and he has perfected it even more.

Wayne enjoyed hunting with his son Jimmy. As he has gotten older, he hasn't hunted much. Wayne missed hunting with him and always hoped he would get back into it. Hunting is a Pedrick family tradition. Wayne also enjoyed coaching football when Jimmy was in the Falcons. He loved doing anything he could with Jimmy and sports always seemed to be their thing.

Wayne's daughter Michaela, is a beautiful woman and Wayne enjoyed watching her grow from his "Little Girl", to a who she is today. Wayne and Michaela were very close. Not a day went by that she didn't make him laugh or put a smile on his face. She is very independent and made Wayne proud with her accomplishments. They enjoyed when they had the opportunity to go shopping together. He would go anywhere with her, as long as she went to Costco with him. He loved to go and walk around with no purpose. He liked "looking".

Wayne had raised his 3 children right and was enjoying retirement. Along came Ryan. Wayne was so proud to have a new son and so was I. We didn't care if we had a boy or girl, as long as they were healthy. Wayne didn't want to know the sex of our child and I wanted to. After a few months, I got excited about not knowing also. I can honestly look back and say that not knowing was the greatest present ever. It made it all the more exciting. Wayne was the one to announce in the delivery room that we had a son. His name is Ryan Ford Pedrick. We both agreed we liked the name Ryan, after Ryan Newman (#12 NASCAR driver) Ford is because daddy could have had a new truck or a baby and he chose to have a baby.

Wayne was such a wonderful father to Ryan. I was very afraid of having this new life in our hands to take care of. He assured me it would be okay and I would be a great mom. One night after my mom left to go home, Ryan was 11 days old. Wayne was working and I slept out in the living room so we wouldn't disturb him. Ryan awoke and was crying. I couldn't get him to stop. I tried everything. It had to be 2am and I stood in the middle of our living room, holding Ryan and crying along with him. All of the sudden, Wayne was holding us and telling me it would be okay. He took Ryan and rocked him for over an hour, until he fell back to sleep. That was the defining moment of my new motherhood that I knew it was going to be okay. Wayne gave me the confidence I needed.

Wayne and I enjoyed watching every new moment in Ryan's life. We were blessed as a family, that with Wayne being retired, he got to spend everyday with Ryan and I. Even though it was landscaping season, Wayne would go out and work and stop in between jobs to see how we were doing. We had the perfect life. Wayne couldn't stay away too long during the day, because he said he missed us. I had to make him go to work sometimes.

Wayne had this amazing patience that he taught me. I use to be a bit uptight and have very little patience. Being a mom made all of that change. When I would get flusterd, I could look over at Wayne and he would just smile his big "Wayne" smile and I was okay.

I know we were blessed that Wayne got almost a whole year to spend with Ryan everyday. He truly loved being a "daddy" again and I know Ryan was the apple of his eye. Ryan is a "Daddy's Boy" and sometimes I got jealous, because I changed all his diapers and gave birth to him. Ryan would drop me like a hot potato when Daddy walked into the room. (It really didn't bother me, I just busted his hump)

A lot of people say that Ryan looks just like Wayne and I hope he grows up to look like him. Wayne was the most handsome man I have ever laid eyes on. I hope that Ryan takes after his Daddy and enjoys the outdoors, sports (The Yankees) and hunting. I know his brothers will teach him all the in's and out's of both, since they are both gifted with both.

Wayne also became a Grandfather to two beautiful children, Zachary and Jordy. They are Dwayne and Laura's children. He was so proud to be called "Pop-Pop". He loved seeing the excitement in their eyes for birthday's and Christmas. On Christmas two years ago, Zachary had a cold. We went over in the morning to see the presents that Santa left. Zachary wasn't too into opening presents and this made Wayne hurt inside. That night as we were having Christmas dinner, a tear rolled down his cheek. I asked what was wrong. He was still so sad and heartbroken inside that Zachary wasn't feeling well on Christmas.
Wayne was a very caring man and ALWAYS put others and their feelings before his own. He loved the Christmas season and wanted to see everyone happy.

Thank you for taking the time to read about my husband. I enjoy writing about him and it brings a smile to my face as I think about all the memories that we shared Wayne was an amazing person and I know his passing is very difficult for all of people who's lives he touched. Please check back often for more posts.

Kind regards, Kim

How Life Changes In An Instant (3)

Tonight is 4 weeks since I lost my wonderful husband. It is not getting any easier. I miss him so very much and I hurt inside, every minute of everyday.
Wayne was my best friend. My true soul mate. He was 58 and I am 33, yet we got along better than any other couple we knew. We had our times that we had to be serious, but lived life to have fun and not be so serious and enjoy what we had. So many people are on scheduels and have to do the same thing at the same time and so forth. We did what we wanted, when we wanted, even having a baby.
I consider Ryan and I lucky that we were able to spend the last year together, everyday. When I went on materninty leave, we knew I was never going back. Since Wayne was a retired police officer, we got to spend everyday together. He had a landscaping business, so he would go to work for a bit, then stop home and see us and go back out for awhile. But we did get to spend the whole winter together as a family and he had just started back to mowing in April.
Wayne and I were so happy. Before we got married, I woke up one morning and the windows were covered up outside and I couldn't see out. I went outside to see what was going on. My husband hired a company to come and paint the house, so it would look nice when everyone came back after the wedding and the next day. I liked the colors of a house down the road and he told me he went up on their porch and held color samples to try and get the best match. That is just one example of his love for me and his quite kindness. He truly made all my dreams come true. He always went out of his way to do nice things for people. He was working on our pool up until an hour prior to our wedding. There was paint stuck in the filter and he kept working til he had to get ready, again, so it would look nice the next day when people came over. God, this hurts so much. So many people beside myself lost a great man in their life. He was icon of our town and everyone knew and liked him.
I kind of enjoy writing on here. I don't like that I am writing about losing my husband, but getting my thoughts out, kind of helps.
I am doing alot of reading at night, since I can't sleep. I am learning that on the other side, there is no time concept and that we will be together again. I have to believe in that. I have to pray that he will be there for me when it is my time. Without that, life would be even more empty.
It is so difficult waking every morning without him, knowing I will not have the luxury of seeing his wonderful smile or having him kiss me. We enjoyed the 1st hour of every morning, playing with Ryan. I miss that so very much. We laughed at watching Ryan make funny faces and experience new things.
My life seems so empty now. My happiness seems so long ago. I long for one more moment like that. I am scared and afraid that I now have to do this on my own and learn a new road to travel down. I drove off a cliff and there was no warning on the road. I have now landed somewhere that I never knew existed and have to find a new way home.

I want everyone to know what a wonderful, loving man my husband was. He had a great career as a cop for 28 years. He was a great police officer. In the month of December, if he pulled you over for speeding, he would say "You weren't wearing your seatbelt" and the people would be like, what? And he would say "a seatbelt ticket s $45.00 and a speeding ticket is $???" and they would catch on. If they had a child in the car, he would let them go and tell them to go buy a present for their child with what the ticket would have been. He was so cool like that. Everyone loved his "cop" stories. Even if you heard them before, it was wonderful to hear him tell them again. He had such passion in how he spoke. My poor husband hated the whole cop and donut association. When we were dating, I use to send him to Dunkin Donuts during the Winter for hot coco and he would grunt about it, but still go. He wasn't the donut shop cop.
We had so many fun times together when he was a cop. He worked with some other cool guys and they had a great squad. It was very sad and hard to see them say goodbye to their Sergeant. They showed a great deal of respect for him at the services. There were 2 officers on each side of the casket and the cops switched every 1/2 hour. The did a final good bye the day of the funeral and carried him out and there had to be atleast 20 cops outside saluting as they walked by. It was very beautiful, but god, so heart wrenching. These were his friends and co-workers. (some of them were new and didn't know him, but showed their respect) Not many cops these days have a great career like he did or as long.
Well, that's all I have for tonight. I am actually getting a bit tired. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
Kim

How Life Changes In An Instant. (2)

Hi Everyone:
Well, we made it thru the weekend. We stayed at my sisters and I am thankful for that. The pain is coming home tonight and everone falls asleep and I am left here awake and on the computer. At least my sister slept in bed with me and I felt safe and secure.
I have failed to mention that my 12 year old neice and 9 year old nephew are living with us. So I have to come home for them to go to school.
It is still so hard to find a way to function daily without Wayne. I miss him every minute of everyday.
I heard the new song by Rascal Flatts this weekend and it just killed me. I think it's "What hurts the most" or something like that. I bawled over and over again, but kind of felt cleansed after.
I was begging so hard for signs on Thursday, for Ryan's birthday and didn't notice anything.
Well yesterday during the day, the kids leap frog table went off. I thought one of her kids must have bumped it and I didn't see.Well last night, we were watching 2 weeks notice (my husband enjoyed watching the girly flicks with me, Sweet Home Alabama, Maid in Manhatten, 2 weeks notice) and the table went off again. I didn't pay much attention to it. About 10 minutes later, it did it again and all the kids were asleep. I said "Is that you honey, are you here?" My sister came in the room and a funny part where she gets hit in the head with a tennis ball and I said, Wayne liked this part and it went off again.
I said I need to change the batteries and see if that is the cause. My sister said they were changed during the week and that it has NEVER done that. I did it about 6 different times. She and I know he was there. I was so thankful for the sign, because I was missing him so much.
Then, we went ot bed at 11:30 last night. About 10 minutes after we got in bed, we heard something fall and go boom. We both liftted our heads to see if one of the kids would come walking in the room and nothing.
When I talked to my Mom this morning, she said she was on her computer last night and at 11:30, she heard something fall downstairs and her and the cats noticed (they lifted their heads). When she went downstairs later, she saw nothing.
Go figure... Sign or coincidence? My husband and my mom were best of friends too.
I miss Wayne so very much. He is my best friend in the whole world and I know I am living now, but feel like the old saying' I am in Hell on Earth" I hate thinking everyday that I have to live my whole life still without him and wait for it to be my time.
I would NEVER harm myself, but god, I would give it all up right now if I knew I would be with him again. I have to now be mom and dad for Ryan and it's very tough. I don't want to do anything but curl up and die, but I can't do that because of Ryan.
I still don't know if I fully, honestly get it. I tell myself at night that he is away on a hunting trip and that's how I am able to fall asleep. I just want him to come home. I want to see his smile. I want to touch him, hold him, hug and caress him.
My husband was such a kind, gentle teddy bear. He intimidated alot of people because of his muscular size and being a cop. I was intimidated when I first met him. He was a manly man, yet he would go shopping with me. For each holiday, when Halmark came out with the new animated whatever, he would go out and get it for me. He had no problem going to buy formula, diapers or pads for me. He wasn't afraid to say "I Love You" in front of his buddies and take some ribbing from them. He was secure with who he was. He could fix anything and build anything. He truly was a great man.
Thank you so much for reading all of my posts and replying back. It does help me get thru the night.
Thank you: Kim

How life changes in an instant.

My title says it all. I am 33 years old and lost my wonderful, amazing husband, Wayne Pedrick 3 weeks ago tonight. It was very sudden and totally unexpected. It is the worst day of my life and can't imagine life being worse.
Everyone tells me to write and talk about my feelings and hopefully it will help me work thru the pain I am feeling.
Our life was wonderful. We have the most beautiful little boy and he will be on on June 1st. I am very sad that Wayne will not physically be here to celebrate the 2nd most exciting day of my life. The 1st was marrying him.
Wayne was and still remains to be my best friend. We did everything together. We were two peas in a pod. While my husband knew everyone in the world, we enjoyed just being together and even happier with the birth of our son.
I am heartbroken, lonely and afraid. One day I was 1/2 of a whole and now I am just a broken half and don't know how or what life is going to be like without Wayne here everyday.
I am so thanful for our son. He truly is handsome and amazing. He is such a happy baby and Wayne enjoyed every moment he had with Ryan, even when he was cranky.
Tonight is especially hard for me because it is 3 weeks ago tonight that my world came to an abrupt horrible halt. It is also a year ago tonight at almost the same time that I started to go into labor with our son. I was so excited and decided to let Wayne sleep and not disturb him, as he worked hard during the day and I still had a long way to go.
I was blessed with a short labor and everything went perfect. We didn't know the sex of our child and I was elated when he was born and Wayne told me we had a son. A son is cool. He gets to carry on the family name. We fell in love with him instantly. We had so many dreams and plans and things to do with Ryan.
I am greatful that Wayne got to spend almost a whole year with Ryan. We went everywhere. We went on mini vacations and to the shore, parades and such. Ryan is a flirt and Wayne enjoyed watching him flirt and pick up all the ladies wherever we went.
I'm sure this blog is going to be reallllly long and take a long time to write, but I hope this helps me feel better by writing it and telling the world how much of a wonderful man Wayne Pedrick is and was and how many lives he touched.
I have never met another person with the pride, integrity and love that he had. Wayne was an honest, passionate and giving person. He would help anyone and not ask for anything in return.
He would go without and put others before his needs. He was caring, loving and strong yet gentle. Wayne was a "mans man." Everyone liked to be around him and he knew everyone.
This is going to be really tough for me, but if anyone reads this, I hope when they are done reading, they will understand the love we shared, how wonderful Wayne was and how devistated I am without him.
Okay, so here is my story:

I met Wayne Pedrick in 1991. I was 18 almost turning 19. He was a police Sergeant and very handsome. Our first encounter was at a party that got a bit out of control and they were called. I got my first glimpse of him.
About a week later, I had left a friend's wedding and the drive of the vehicle I was in, got pulled over. We ended up at the police station. (I know this isn't looking good for me, but I was never in trouble or a trouble maker) I saw Wayne again. He was getting of duty and wearing light grey champion shorts and a light pink shark tournament fishing shirt. (I have a good memory)
About a month or so later, I was leaving work and had a cold. It was 2am and I had to get something to feel better. (It was July, hot and sucked to be sick)
I went to the closest store that was open and made my purchase. As I walked out, there he was, in his unmarked police car. He said "What, your a snot and you can't say Hi?" I stood there and we talked for awhile. We ended up talking all night long. I was hooked. He was more than I imagined. I knew from that night on, we were ment to be together.