Here Comes the Sadness

Well, here come the sad times. With Christmas less than a month away, I am already feeling the emptiness in the pit of my belly and the missing piece of my heart.We spent the whole weekend outside, putting up the Christmas decorations. It was hard work and we busted hump to do it, but we got it done. Wayne always made the outside look beautiful and I want to continue his tradition. Everyone is so excited for Christmas to come, I could care less if it came or not.

My Christmas will never be the same again. The first year I met Wayne, he brought my presents to my house and left them under the tree. I joked with him and shook a box and took some guesses. He did not like that and said it wasn't fair. From that point forward, he wouldn't even bring one present in the house for me, until Christmas Eve night. He would buy presents, take them to his mom's house and wrap them there. He always wrapped my presents in beautiful paper and handmade perfect bows. He could out wrap me anyday. His presentation was beautiful. For such a big, strong guy, he sure could wrap!

Our Christmas's were always so special between us. We enjoyed giving to everyone and he always got me something special and put his heart and great thought into it.

Wayne, on the other hand was a pain. He would always guess what I got him as his "Big gift" and was right, more times than not. Two years ago, he lost his wedding band while gutting a deer in New York State. He was very upset about that and hated not having his wedding band on. I had purchased him a new one and alot of other gifts. I gave him all his other presents and waited awhile, then gave him his new ring. He had written down a new ring and put the piece of paper away. He was always like that and it annoyed people.I did get him good awhile back. I purchased and had a enclosed landscape trailer custom built for him. He was at my house and we were doing presents. Then I had someone drive it there and park it outside after he was inside. I made a puzzle and made him follow clues all over the house and finally led him outside and he was very surprised. For once, I got him!

I will miss our Christmas traditions and we always had a Christmas party at our house for our whole family. I wasn't going to do it this year, but decided today, that he would want me to continue and he would do the same if I was gone. I am so thankful that at least we had one family Christmas together with Ryan. Ryan is why I am going thru the emotional hardship of decorating for Christmas and trying to have a nice holiday season. He is so sweet and innocent and deserves to have and make happy memories.I miss Wayne so very much. I feel him around me, I know he's here. I just want to have one more day with him. There is so much I don't know, so much he could teach me, but as we accomplish the tasks at hand, I look back and smile and say to myself, He did teach me and I paid attention. I felt a sense of pride, after we got the outside decorated. It looks beautiful.

As we decorated our tree last night, I was not into it at all. We always put our tree up Thanksgiving weekend, watched movies and decorated the house. I have no other decorations out yet. I have more Christmas stuff than I have room for!!! This is going to be a hard month for me. The holidays are supposed to be spent and enjoyed with the ones you love and the love of my life is no longer here with me. I know I have Ryan here and I am thankful, but the love I have for our son and the love I have for my husband are so completely different. It's lonely and sad not having the love of your life by your side, to share with and make memories with.

Thanks for bearing with me, I'm sure there will be many more unhappy thoughts for me this month. Be thankful for the husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend that is by your side. Even if you sometimes disagree or whatever, be thankful, because life could change in an instant. Be sure that the ones you love know it, everyday. I am blessed with the fact that I knew how much Wayne loved me and that he knew how much I loved him.

That knowledge will last me a lifetime with a smile in my heart.