Christmas

So, I woke up on Christmas Eve and was doing fine. As it got later in the day and I had to start to get ready for all the upcoming events, I jumped in the shower and started to cry. This was the first time in 15 years, that my plans were alter. I always had a plan and it always included Wayne. It hit me hard, because for some reason, I had built it up in my mind that he would be home for Christmas. It was a cold dose of reality, that I was alone and he wasn't going to be there.

Ryan and I went to my Grandfathers and spent some time there with family. On our way, we went to the cemetery and laid roses down for Wayne. Ryan looked so handsome, his little smile just melted my heart. Seeing how big he has grown in the last year was amazing and sad at the same time. Amazing, because he is our son and sad, because Wayne is not here to see how big he is growing and experiencing how funny and wonderful he is.

I tried for hours to take a picture of him all dressed up and he wanted no part of it. He was too excited being in a new place and exploring, as all little boys do. A man came over to my Grandfather's and Ryan took to him right away. He stood there and smiled and let him take pictures of him. He wanted "Up, Up" and while it was cute, it killed me inside. Ryan often likes guys and I have to wonder if he is looking for his daddy. Unless you are in my shoes, you can't imagine how difficult that is to deal with.

We left and went to my Mother-in-laws. I had hoped I would have missed the start of dinner, but I didn't. The reason I wanted to miss the beginning was that I wasn't sure if I would be able to deal with Wayne's daughter saying Grace. I knew she was dreading saying it for days. It hit her hard and everyone ended up in tears. This was the first time in 58 years, Wayne was not at his mother's table for Christmas Eve dinner and the first time any of his children weren't with their father.

I know I talk about me and my loss all the time, but believe me, I am very aware of the wonderful man that we all lost. She started to cry and left the table. I went after her and while I was dying myself inside, I managed to try to cheer her up and re-enforce to her that Wayne wouldn't and doesn't want us to cry and that he wants us to continue on and have a wonderful holiday. (I don't know how much I believed my own advice, but I had to try to be strong for her)

We left and went back to our house and did adult presents, because we all had so much to do on Christmas. It was different and I made it thru. I love handing out presents and then I found myself there with a pile to open myself. I received wonderful and thoughtful gifts from everyone.

My neice and nephew got me a necklace with diamond chips, representing themselves and Ryan and beautiful matching earrings. My mother got me a circle of life necklace and everyone got me a necklace of a heart with a missing piece. It is the reunion necklace, for one day that I meet up with Wayne again. Well, that particular necklace made me burst out crying. The fun and laughter that usually filled our family room on Christmas Eve was muted and different.

Another difficult part was when Mickey's boyfriend opend a Christmas present from Wayne. He had started shopping earlier in the year for him and we remembered where the presents were. I think he was touched, but being the strong guy he is, he kept it inside. He liked Wayne alot! I had also found a card Wayne got for Mickey last Christmas for Ryan to give to her and we had forgotten about it and it never got signed, so when I found it, I helped Ryan sign it and told Mickey that her dad bought the card. Just the little things he left behind, touched us all on Christmas Eve.

I started to clean up from the massive amounts of wrapping paper in the living room and when I was alone, I found myself crying, but wiped my tears and told myself that I can go on!On Christmas morning, it was sad waking up without Wayne there, but I had Ryan and my neice and nephew.

We got up and went out and saw all the presents Santa had left and were so surprised! I made the mistake of giving Ryan a 20 pack of Match box cars first. He wanted nothing to do with any other presents!!!!

Again, all the excitement was over and again, I was cleaning up paper and this time, reallllllllly lost it. My neice came in and I felt so bad, but I just hugged her so hard and long and cried. I find myself crying often, but with no-one to hold me. She just let me cry and get it out. I missed Wayne so much and the pain was difficult to deal with. Like I wrote earlier, I for some reason, thought he'd be home for Christmas and he wasn't. Have you ever worked really hard to accomplish something and think, "Oh, when I'm done with this, this will happen?" Well, it hit me that I made it thru, but what I wanted, I will never have again and that I will have to do Christmas alone, for the rest of my life. Mind you I wasn't Alone, but Alone and without Wayne.

We went to my Mother-in-laws and did presents there. She and I had a minute before everyone else arrived and again, I started to cry. I dreaded driving to her house, again, knowing that this was the first year without her baby. Luckily, family started to show up, so we wiped our tears and did presents.

By this time, Ryan and I were pooped and went home and took a nap. We got up and got ready and went to my brother and sister-in-laws house for dinner. On our way, we went to the cemetery and I put down toll house cookies for Wayne and his father. (Wayne loved the cookies at Christmas)

Going to my brothers was different for me, as we had started doing Christmas dinner at our house, but we were invited and I didn't think I would be able to do dinner this year. All the other emotions I was dealing with was enough, not to add having to entertain on Christmas night. We had a nice time and I think we were all tired when we got home.

I called my mother-in-law to see how the rest of her day was. I felt bad, because atleast I had my mom, neice, nephew and Ryan at home with me, but I knew she was alone and we all experience the build up of Christmas and then it's over. We had a nice talk for about an hour on the phone and said we were both tired and hung up and went and got in bed with Ryan.

Last night, we all drove down to my mom's in N.C and I'm winding down from Christmas and the long drive. We did make it thru. There were a few bumps in the road and all of our hearts were heavy, but we made it! That is the most important part. I will always remember the past, but have to make new happy memories too and even though Wayne is not "physically" here, I know he is here with us in spirit and watching over us. There is nothing in the world that would keep him away from his family.

Wayne gave me the most amazing gifts in life. The amount of love Wayne gave me was like Christmas all year long and our greatest gift to each other was our son Ryan. I will continue to be thankful for the time I did have with Wayne and the wonderful task of raising our son, for the rest of my life.I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and you all have a happy New Year!

Kim