An Empty Chair

So, tonight I went to my mother-in-laws with Ryan to see the "guys". Today was the 1st day of Shotgun season here and it is a family tradition for everyone to come in and have dinner tonight. I didn't think it would be as emotional for me, but as the time got closer to go tonight, my heart was hurting. We all have our respective places at her dinner table and Wayne had the head chair and I sat by his side. It has been this way for as long as we've been together. When I walked in and saw his chair, my eyes started to fill with tears. This was the first time I would be at his mothers and not have him sitting by my side. I wasn't sure if I could actually sit down and do it, but his cousin sat in the chair (without knowing what I was thinking) and I guess that made it a bit easier. It wasn't his brother or son sitting there, taking his place.

It's going to be 7 months on Sunday and I still can't believe that this is real. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have my husband back. I miss my best friend so much. I miss knowing that I could always depend and count on Wayne. I trusted him with my life and there are very few people in the world that I have that much faith in. Wayne was the number 1 person I trusted. My heart is so lonely and I feel like he is off at war and will be home soon. I just want him to come home. I have no one to talk to, to tell how my day was and no one to make plans with. Every plan I had, has slipped thru the cracks and doesn't exist any longer. We had plans, together, as a couple, as a family. Now, I have no plans. How sad.I just want to be loved again. I want to give my love to Wayne and have our happy, fun life back.

Everyone else around me is going on with life, I guess I am too, but dragging my feet and living in the past. The past keeps me going. The past is my happiest time of life. A time in my life that I don't see being happier or having that feeling again.I am tired of people saying or thinking that because I am young, I will find another man and continue on with my life. It's not going to be that way. I love and respect Wayne so much and value what we had. I could never open my heart up like that again. I could never be loved the way Wayne loved me and anything else, would fall short and I would and will always compare to my life with Wayne to anything new. In my heart and mind, I had the best life possible. We weren't rich with money, but we were filthy rich with love and happiness and that's what matters most to me in life. That's why being without it now kills me, hurts me and makes my heart empty.I also know, that I could NEVER, have our son call another man "Daddy". Ryan has the most amazing father, who is up in heaven, watching over us everyday. I will never do that to Wayne or Ryan. Ryan will learn and know how great his father was and have wonderful happy memories of his daddy. I can play both roles of mom and dad and give Ryan a great life and that is what I plan on doing. He, is the reason I haven't completely lost my mind and gone crazy. If I didn't have Ryan, I don't know where I'd be right now. I am thankful for him, as he has made me keep going and because of him, I can not and will not give up.I know, I always write the same thing over and over, but this is life. I have lost the closest person to me in the world and he's never coming back for me.

I can't stop thinking about Wayne, as we were together for 15 incredible years and i will never stop thinking about him or missing him. Wayne made all my dreams come true. There was nothing more in the world he could have given me. His love was the greatest gift and when you lose that, it hurts real bad. I don't know how long it will take until I see some kind of happy times again. I honestly, don't think I will ever feel the contentment I had in my life and heart 7 months ago, again. How could I? Nothing will ever be the same and I will always be looking back, because I am too afraid to look forward.