Annual Christmas Party

Annual Christmas Party

Well, we had our Annual Christmas party on Saturday. I was struggling for a long time, trying to decide if we should have it and how I was going to feel. This was a family tradition we started some years ago, to bring all our family and friends together and have a good time. We had our Christmas party and a Summer party.

I decided to go ahead and proceed as usual. I know that if the roles were reversed, Wayne would have had the party. He loved having family gatherings.(I do too, but he was into it more). I want to continue what Wayne and I started for Ryan to enjoy. After all, he is my main focus in life, he is my drive and my reason.

Almost everyone invited showed up and it was a nice time. I was feeling very sad and had a heavy heart as I was getting myself and Ryan ready. Wayne was always the last one showered and usually just finished getting dressed as the first guests arrived. This too, was a tradition. I was sad, waiting for him, knowing he wasn't going to be jumping out of the shower and asking me what I picked out for him to wear.

Luckily, I was able to keep busy, with so many people here. The time just flew by and before I knew it, the night was over. Everyone left and we started to clean up. I felt guilty, that I had been so busy during the party, that I didn't think about Wayne much. That kills me inside, because I never want to forget Wayne. It was difficult, glancing from room to room and not seeing his big smile looking back at me. No matter where we were, we'd always spy each other and the love in his eyes, would shoot across the room and into my heart. The love he showed my from his eyes and smile were just as powerful as a long, passionate kiss from him.

On Sunday, my brother came over and was fixing my garage door. At one point, the kids were in the way and I said, "Watch out, let Uncle Wayne get thru". I think that is the first slip of tounge that I have had.

I know this is real and that Wayne is not coming back, but somewhere inside, I think he is. I keep thinking, okay, he'll show up on Christmas Day and this will all have been some really bad reality show or something. That I will be VERY MAD that he did this to me, to us, but I would fall to my knees in happiness, just to have him back again.

Wayne was a big strong man. He was very active and never sat still. I still can't and don't understand how this happened. Why him, why now? You can not imagine how much I miss him. How lonely I am everyday without him. I know I am doing better and moving a step forward everyday, but I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, that I forget any of the past. I still can't imagine ever being as happy as I once was, agaiin.

I know that Christmas Eve and Christmas will be a struggle for me. This will be the first time in 15 years, that we are not together. I am going to make Christmas be the best I can for Ryan. He is my focus and this year, it is all about him. When I am feeling sad and down, I will give him and extra hug and a big kiss and he will keep me busy.

Thank you for reading and have a good night.Kim